<p>I seem to be a total failure at social rules. It is as if I need a literal manual for it to spare everyone the annoyance.
The only time I don't mess up socially is when I say or do as little as possible around people or I am at a formal setting where there are a lot of rules and predictability. I only do well in presentations because they are rehearsed. Someone recommended the Communications major to me because of the way I express myself during such situations. If only they knew how I was like in the real, unpredictable world!
What are some common social mistakes and flaws people make? How does one avoid them?
I just want to stop being a loser with no common sense.</p>
<p>So how do I become a different person? I need to be different so I can live life like a real 20-year-old girl. Someone like me who can't keep a job, does not have a driver's license, has no close friends, hasn't even kissed or been in any relationship at all, and has an altogether lame life needs to change. I can't be myself because being myself is the problem. Please help me.</p>
<p>It seems to me that you don't have a lot of self-confidence and or don't trust yourself. Try keeping small promises to yourself and move up to making promises for other people. The other thing to keep in mind is that you will make mistakes. Just brush them off though, because social faux pas and whatnot don't really matter. Also learn to take some risks, safety is so overrated. In 20 years you will regret what you don't do, opposed to what you do. Hope this helps.</p>
<p>It's impossible to really say what your problem is here (based on such little information and with only my BA in Psychology and experience working with troubled youth, it would be unethical to suggest a diagnosis anyway), but a lot of people struggle with social skills. My suggestion to you would be to go to your school's counseling center and seek out a licensed psychologist who is trained in a cognitive-behaviorally based social skills training program (ask for a referral). That person will be able to help you learn to pick up subtle social cues and so forth.</p>
<p>As far as the website you referenced, it's one of a mass of popular psychology sites that hope to "fix" you...although I've never seen one so openly manipulative, arrogant, and hostile! Have you read his book? If so, was there anything you found that you thought might be helpful? If not, what are some things you think he might have said in it? (I bet you can guess most of the content as well as anyone else could -- a lot of it is likely to be basic concepts from social psychology.)</p>
<p>One thought I did have is to try taking an intro psych course and then, perhaps, a social psychology class. Much of what is in that book is likely to be covered (and used) in a social psych course. While most social psych classes are not meant to teach you as an individual how to interact with others, many of the concepts you learn in such a course can be applied to your relationships with others. There is a free podcast for a Berkeley Social Psych class at UC</a> Berkeley Webcasts | Video and Podcasts: Psych 160
From that webcast, the lectures on 9/11, 10/30, and 11/8-11/15 appear potentially relevant...unfortunately, most of what you need to learn cannot really be learned from a book or in a classroom. When I worked as a behavioral therapist with children with autism, social skills were a very tough thing to teach (although very rewarding as they learned to do it). You CAN learn social skills, but you ARE going to need some 1 on 1 help.</p>
<p>I felt quite a bit like you did about a year ago; I even had pretty much the same problems (couldn't get a license, no job or relationship, etc.). I'm not the best to get advice from here since I have no psych degree and I'm not a perfect success story either but developing a tough skin to failure and opening yourself up to risks will take you a long way to solving alot of those problems. If you're looking to make friends or find a relationship, just make sure you introduce yourself and talk to all kinds of people- even those that don't seem to interest you that much at the time. If you feel you're "different" or odd, you should look around for different or odd people who can relate to how you feel and whom you would be able to have good conversations with. I know the last bit of advice sounds really weird but its actually worked really well for me throughout high school and especially here in college where's there's a much greater diversity of people.</p>
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It's most useful if you provide examples. Name one social event where you made a "social mistake".
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<p>It is a random array of mistakes. If there was a particular thing I always did wrong, I would have corrected it by now.</p>
<p>An example is when there was a baby, I kept referring to her as "it" much to the dismay of my Mom. I knew the baby's name too. Maybe it was because the baby couldn't talk yet? Or as cold as this sounds, does nothing more than a pet or certain objects? At least I genuinely wanted to keep her company and spent more time with her than anyone else. Why am I so unattached emotionally?</p>
<p>Also, it seems like I have no common sense. In class there was supposed to be a time keeper for speeches and the professor said, "Does no one have a stopwatch?"
I said that I had a stopwatch in my cell phone. Then someone mumbled, "Everyone has a stopwatch in their cell phone." I didn't get the clue that everyone was just too lazy to volunteer, rather than not having the resources to.</p>
<p>Those are both mistakes that anyone could make and probably no one but you remembered by the end of class. I would suggest trying not to focus on your failures but instead on your successes. Look for the times you've done things right (when people have responded positively to you) and try and make more of those instead of trying to eliminate your mistakes. Another thing to try would be hanging out with people who are younger and less mature than you. The reason I suggest this is that oftentimes younger people are likely to be more accepting of you despite social inadequacies because they exhibit similar developmental immaturity. By putting yourself back a year or two socially, you may be able to find a niche of friends who can support you and with whom you can develop socially. (I do realize that adults are likely to treat you more graciously when you make a blunder than are, say, teens or young adults, but if you can place yourself in a social group that is naturally closer to your own stage of development, you'll be more likely to experience early success instead of the graciousness of other people who just don't want to make the social blunder of correcting you.)</p>
<p>No. I was afraid that it might be a fraud. If it wasn't and I did read the book, I would think it is a book that gets rid of that feel good politically correct nonsense and tells you what you really need to know.</p>
<p>I wish I could point out what my specific problems are. I think one of them is lack of self-awareness or being aware of how others feel and what they expect from me. It's like I actually have to try, whereas most people don't.</p>
<p>I'll let you know what I think of the podcast. It's downloading right now.</p>
<p>I wouldn't suggest purchasing his book, but I was curious what you thought he might have to say as it might reveal something of where you are.
One thing I might suggest is that people don't have that many expectations of you when they meet you. My guess would be that most of the expectations are ones you are placing on yourself. Think about the ways we really interact with another person.
A typical conversation when meeting someone might go:
M: Hey
K: Hi, I'm Katie, whats your name?
M: I'm Mike.
(some small talk about, perhaps, what our majors are, where we go to school, and why we decided to go there)
M: Cool, hey I gotta go get some homework done, but it was nice to meet you, Katie (right?)
K: Cool. See ya 'round!</p>
<p>Where would you have gotten stuck in a conversation like that? At the beginning (the approach)? The end (unable to close the conversation)? or in the middle (during the smalltalk or the content of the conversation)?</p>
<p>Or are conversations usually ok for you and its something else entirely?</p>
<p>^Somewhere in the middle. I'm not very good at small talk or even the content if I don't have much knowledge about the topic. I listen more than add to the conversation because I don't know what to say. I don't like talking about myself because I think I'm boring and I don't trust people right away with my personal life. </p>
<p>I also make conversations far more serious or pedantic than necessary and if I'm very interested in your topic, it's hard to shut me up and you will be the go-to person for it. I probably wouldn't notice this until you whine or yell at me. </p>
<p>I also have this creepy problem where I repeat what the person says sometimes. It's almost like a reflex. I don't even realize I do it until someone mentions it.</p>
<p>I view everyone as an object for utilitarian needs, which translates to, if you hold the door for me, I'll forget to say, "Thank You." My Mom always complains that I don't consider other people and that they'll hate me for being selfish. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't remember or notice.</p>
<p>I think you just over-think things. Just relax, let everything unfold organically and you will be fine. You are definitely over-analyzing being social. Just be.</p>
<p>I don't really understand why you view people like that. You have the totally wrong approach here. You think that if you avoid social mistakes and play the safest game possible then you'll make friends. I'd argue that you should be doing the exact opposite. People who always say really bs neutral things that never offend anyone are boring. You said you are bad at small talk because you never know what to say or that don't feel comfortable telling people personal things. You have nothing to say because you are keeping everything inside and never sharing. You'll never make friends without sharing personal stuff. What seperates my best friends from my friends is their ability to share things with me which I suspect is the case for everyone. </p>
<p>What you should do is try to find people who you think are like you. If you're a nerd, try finding some other nerds. If you like to weave baskets under water, then find people who do that. Or whatever. Don't approach this by trying to make friends with anyone or everyone, find someone who you think is interesting then talk to them. Then once you make friends with this person there's a good chance they'll have friends that you will like too.</p>
<p>You've mentioned your mom quite a bit in this conversation; it seems like she is overly critical of you and you're letting it get to you. I highly doubt your mother is the epitome of perfection herself so stop taking her so seriously; your social errors seems pretty trivial and are highly unlikely to be the reason you have trouble making friends, its more likely you just need to open yourself up more and trust people.</p>
<p>And if you really are feeling like you need to be less selfish, try doing some volunteer work. It'll make you feel more useful and give you a chance to meet new people (although that shouldn't be your main reason for doing it so try to pick something you're actually passionate about).</p>
<p>^ You have a point. I'm surprised you say that my errors are trivial, as a matter of fact I'm surprised when anyone says I appear or sound normal at all. I really, really need to ingrain that I am okay deep into my mind. :)</p>
<p>It's not like I walk around asking everyone if I'm normal, but if I get to know someone a little better, I slip it in there subtly and then they look a little puzzled and say something like, "You're fine."</p>
<p>As for my Mom, it was just that she went through a lot with me. When I was a child my speech and social skills were so bad I was diagnosed autistic, it also didn't help that my peers called me retarded. It is in the past, as someone said in an earlier post. Now it is time to think about what to do about oneself in the present.</p>
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You just need to stop worrying so much.
Its that easy. Stop being such a little ***** and man. Honestly, nobody matters but you. Thats it. THAT IS IT. Do whatever it takes to get that into your head.
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I think you just over-think things. Just relax, let everything unfold organically and you will be fine. You are definitely over-analyzing being social. Just be.
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<p>I listened to both of you today and since the day is ending, I need to conclude it by saying, "Oh my goodness, THANK YOU SO MUCH!"</p>
<p>Look theres two ways to look at this: 1). (your perspective) i have no friends, i am bad w/ people, my life sucks etc etc OR
2). I can do whatever the hell I want because I've got no arbitrary social conditioning and nobody to hold me back (except myself).</p>
<p>The remedy to this problem is to act completely weird for a day. By doing that, you are training your mind to distinguish between normal and weird.</p>
<p>May I suggest giving up chairs for a few days... instead, lye on the floor and participate in class discussions while staring at the ceiling. After the few days, stick out your tongue all day, even when you talk, and tell people your tongue is stuck. Then just lying on the floor is too normal... instead, writher around and tell people you are collecting dust mites for your collection. The point is to acclimate yourself into weirdness.</p>
<p>Miss Enigma, I think calling a baby "it" is fine, because it doesn't "know" its name yet... plus, even if the name was female (like Apple), calling it a she might be innappropiate because lots of boys are being named Apple these days.</p>