How do I convince my husband that getting into a top college isn't as important as how you get into a top college?

Parents Forum
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To me, how you accomplish something is even more important than the accomplishment itself. Success really isn’t anything to be proud of if you had to cheat to do it.

One example that pertains to our family right now is Redshirting. This is when the parents of a child born between October and December wait until their child is almost 6 to send them to Kindergarten, so that they will be older than their classmates and have an unfair advantage over them.

This is clearly cheating, as it’s almost inevitable a child is going to come out on top when being compared to children a year younger than them. However, this is exactly what my husband wants to do. In 2021, our son will turn 5 in the first week of October, which means that he should be starting Kindergarten next Fall. However, he is insisting that we wait until the Fall of 2022, as this means he will consistently perform better than all of his classmates instead of performing worse than 3 quarters of his classmates, as would probably be the case if we sent him on time.

I’m not trying to deny that he’ll do much better in school if we wait a year. Indeed, there are countless studies out there that prove that kids who are older almost always do better.

I have no doubt that if we redshirt our son, he’ll get straight A’s and be in gifted programs all through school, win every class competition, be valedictorian, go off to one of HYP, and have a 6-figure-salary by his mid-twenties.

However, the reason I don’t want to redshirt is simply because it’s morally wrong. It would give him an unfair advantage over the rest of his classmates. I couldn’t genuinely feel proud of my son for outperforming kids a year younger than him. I would feel much happier if he went to an okay college playing by the rules than go to a world-renowned college by cheating.

I’ve tried telling my husband this, but he doesn’t seem to think there’s anything unethical about this. He’s also the breadwinner of the family, so what he says pretty much goes. How do I make him see that you sometimes have to give up what you desire in order to do what’s right? Thank you in advance!

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If you son is turning 5 next October then he would not qualify for Kindergarten in many states. The cut off varies by State with the most common being August 31 or Sept 1st. Red shirting is not cheating - it is too early to tell much about your son - many families and even schools recommend it for kids on the cusp due to maturity vs seeing it as an advantage. This would be a great conversation to have with your family doctor or your son’s current teacher (if in person) to understand if they think he is ready for Kindergarten.

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it’s not morally wrong to hold a child.

Our state mandates that kids be 5 by July 31. Is our entire state morally wrong on this?

do what you think is right for your kid.

We had a kid start K at 6, and one at 4 before they changed the laws in our state. They both are turning out fine. In no way does holding back or sending early affect elite college entrance. there are so many things that play into that equation; and age really isn’t one of them.

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Plenty of parents hold their students back because they aren’t mature enough to handle school, not to give them an “unfair” advantage or “cheat.”

There is also no guarantee that your child will be more successful if you hold them back.

The reverse isn’t necessarily true either. My D was the very youngest in her class but one of the brightest.

IMO, you are over thinking this. If your child is academically ready and mature enough to handle school, send him. If not, then wait.

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Having 2 very young kids for their grade and 1 on the older side (no redshirting, just different cutoff in K), I can tell you that the older ones are not always ahead. Younger ones will catch up to your son if they are naturally smart. So do what’s best for him, but it won’t necessarily give him an edge if he is ready next year.

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You’re exaggerating right? Apart from the fact that he won’t be the only redshirt in class, being smart and/or being gifted is different from being older (I can show you one example of a child two years younger than the redshirts in her class who consistently and effortlessly outperforms them academically), and nothing makes HYP certain. To me the argument is more what I see from some other redshirts, apparent even by the time you reach middle school much less high school: you’ve kept your kid back, but they are not noticeably more successful than the average academically, and they may or may not be more successful on the sports field. Was that extra year of kindergarten really worth the wait? Plenty of parents hold their kids back. I personally have not often seen that it has helped in the way they expect. Some kids seem too immature to start school at the normal age/younger end of that, and then I think it makes sense. I don’t have an opinion on the morality of it.

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I agree with the above posters. Do what is best for your son. Boys, in particular, are often “held back” (I don’t particularly care for that term) due to maturity rather than academic capability.

As an anecdote, my brother has an August birthday and was one of the youngest in his class (our state has an August 31 cutoff). He was very successful academically (valedictorian), but he will tell you to this day that he never quite felt he came into his own until college. My parents regret not “holding him back” to let him mature a bit so he could have avoided some difficult times.

My D is a September birthday so by the state cut off should be one of the oldest in her class. Instead I’d say 25% of the class is older than her, and I’ve never felt that was unfair in any way.

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I’d redshirt a boy turning 5 in October, both of my nephews have summer birthdays and it was a no brained for my sister, they’re in HS, bad athletes, and getting A’s and B’s. Sending them to school newly 5 would’ve been a struggle. I have 3 daughter’s and 2 sons, my girls matured faster and were academically stronger early on, plus it was easier for my girls to sit still and follow directions. Girls get redshirted too.

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Definitely depends on what you think is best for your kid, but redshirting has shown to have such insignificant effects on students. They may benefit from it as a child, but by middle school/high school, redshirting will have probably had no effect on them.

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I was going to do a one-word response to your “straight A’s . . .” paragraph – “Hillarious!” But, the rest of your post is not funny. It is judgmental and so sad I almost cried.

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DH’s nephew has a June birthday and his parents redshirted him, starting Kindergarten at 6. IMO, it’s what you do in that timeframe that matters. They kept him out of school because he was immature and not ready to sit and follow instructions but didn’t work with him on those things and when he started K, he was still a behavior problem. This year, he is 8 and “should” be in 3rd grade (would actually be in 2nd) but due to Covid, they are “doing their best with homeschooling” him and he still doesn’t read but goes on nature hikes and to the park. It’s sad and not his fault but he’s most likely going to need to repeat 2nd grade at age 9.

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Where we live sports seem to be king, and lots of kids are red-shirted. At the beginning of Senior year of HS, my kid was 16 and she had plenty of classmates that were 18 and some that were 19. I think it would have been better for my kid socially if she were not so young. But likewise, some of her older classmates had a hard time socially still being in HS and were ready to have moved on. So you have to think about both ends of the spectrum. Of course if your S isn’t ready for K, you keep him back.

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Do what you think is right–maybe your child has an advantage, maybe not. Things even out in the end. Some kids blossom earlier, some don’t. Believe me, don’t agonize over this decision. In the long run, this isn’t going to change your child’s future.

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Back when my kids were in elementary school, the kindergarten teacher’s hated getting boys who weren’t 5 when school started–most weren’t emotionally/socially ready.

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You lost me when you called it “cheating”. Moving on…

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As another example, my October daughter has outperformed her friend who repeated Kindergarten with a February birthday. He is more than a year and a half older. Is your son ready ? Then send. Is your son not ready ? Then don’t send. If you are not sure if he is ready, then don’t send if you can afford another year of preschool. But please do this not expecting anything. I was considering having my young October daughter skip first grade as she was so far ahead of her older peers. Being too far ahead is not good either, especially for boys who can become trouble. Again, is he ready or not ? Everything else is just a tie breaker. He is not guaranteed gifted classes or all As or to be the best athlete.

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It’s an individual decision but I agree that an October birthday kid would not be starting K at age 4 in other states. I appreciate the OP’s concerns about the ethics involved in redshirting. Kids from lower income families who attend publicly provided preschool (like Head Start or state or local funded programs) don’t get to stay another year in preschool and can’t afford to pay for daycare for an extra year. So then only kids from middle income families get this “benefit” of an extra year.
Among my kids friends, one problem with redshirting is that some sports teams (hockey, soccer) are based on age rather than grade and one kid was really unhappy that he could not be on a team with his classmates. In high school sports, that isn’t a problem.

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I think you really are in the minority by thinking that it is cheating and immoral. If you LIED about your son’s age and submitted a falsified birth certificate, THAT is cheating and immoral.

The best way to make the decision as to when to send a child to kindergarten is to look at that particular child, would would suit him/her best, and get input from pre-K professionals who know the child.

Also, nationwide, an October cutoff date is pretty late! As a preschool teacher, thinking of sending a 4 year old to kindergarten for a month sounds like a very good reason to redshirt.

But your whole unfair argument falls apart because I bet that many/most of his classmates, the boys at least, will redshirt. So he will not be in a class with kids a year younger than him if he goes ahead. Ask the school what the numbers are. I bet it’s pretty common in your state with that October date. FYI… My son has a June birthday and I sent him…he’s more than a year younger than some of his friends and teammates, and close to a year younger than the vast majority of them. It HAS had an impact, in academics, sports, social skills, leadership. I’ve certainly never thought that that any of those kids cheated or had immoral parents or that it is unfair.

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I was always the youngest in my class growing up. The only time it was a problem was when I was the last kid to get a learner’s permit. It never impacted me intellectually or socially or in any other way.

I got to college and there were kids in my dorm a LOT younger. Some were ready for college socially, some weren’t- but by the end of freshman year everyone had more or less figured it out. The only issue was alcohol (a state with 18 years old as the legal drinking age and they took it very seriously) and making sure you were going to a movie and not a bar if the younger friends- not yet 18- wanted to come along.

I think you do what’s right for your own kid as long as the school system is ok with it. And you need to drop ANY notion that your son will be ahead intellectually of kids who are younger than he is. Every high school has a “super senior” or two- kids who are much older than the rest of the grade (held back, started later, sometimes both, undiagnosed LDS’s) who just couldn’t get it together to graduate at age 18 or 19.

This really has nothing to do with getting into college. Nobody can look at a 5 year old- even a gifted 5 year old- and predict what’s going to happen in 13 years. If I told you about the trajectory of some of the “gifted and talented kids” my own kids knew back in elementary school you would cry. Smart kids crash and burn all the time no matter how old they are when they start kindergarten…

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I have no doubt that if we redshirt our son, he’ll get straight A’s and be in gifted programs all through school, win every class competition, be valedictorian, go off to one of HYP, and have a 6-figure-salary by his mid-twenties.

I assume you are writing this in jest. If not, I would appreciate references. In no place have I ever heard any evidence to support this for red-shirted kids.

My younger kid was born the first week of October so we were told he couldn’t start K the year before and due to maturity level, that seemed fine and I didn’t really think about it. He does very well. My daughter who is the youngest in her class also does very well. I think your husband has unrealistic expectations about the benefits that year is going to give your son. And I would save your ethical worries for more important things that will present themselves down the road. Just do what you think is right for your kid, if your husband will agree to it.

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