<p>I was fairly confident in my child's capabilities of going to a good solid University until I came to this site! Now I'm a puddle of nerves, envisioning my bright sweet boy never going to college! (Not that intense, but kinda close!)
How do you balance the urgency and importance to do well in school and participate in EC's with not making them an anxious mess? How do you give them accurate information and help set appropriate expectations but not be a dream killer?<br>
I have been battling all of this lately, especially since my son tends towards anxiety anyway.</p>
<p>Rule number one: Do NOT talk about college confidential!</p>
<p>(this is a fight club joke)</p>
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<p>As for ECs, encourage full participation in the activities he likes. Period.</p>
<p>Do you think he’s Ivy (or similar) material? If so, yes he needs to follow a passion that is closely related to his major. However, I would venture an educated guess that ECs don’t matter to the majority of schools. Our state schools go by class rank first, then test scores, then GPA. For many schools, a bright student’s grades and test scores are enough to get them in, without even looking at ECs.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath and relax, everything works out in the end. There are a lot of good solid universities. Knowledge is power. Knowing what his chances are at various colleges AND knowing how much you can afford to pay will hopefully prevent some of the heartache that a lot of people go through when acceptances come in the Spring of senior year.</p>
<p>I believe your boy should be told the importance of grades, for sure. What grade is he currently in? And there are so many, many colleges in this country…there is something for everyone.</p>
<p>I do get nervous by reading this CC site. Some students have a gazillion things on their EC list. Mine is focusing on her passion and that is academics(:D) and not pursuing things that are NOT interesting to her. That means no ECs at school. I don’t know what to do. I can’t say I know how to balance it very well. I’m sure she will have great grades and SAT scores. I hope I don’t say anything to mess up what she has already. It could be worse, I need to remind myself.</p>
<p>I have kept my kid off the site, and have used it as a great resource. I will make suggestions and let him investigate. I have also shown him the stats that he needs to go to various schools that spark his interests. Most importantly, I have had him focus on what he wants in a college (small, large, social factors, location, majors) and help him find options that he will love next year. CC has helped me realize that he is not an Ivy kid, and that is fine. CC has also allowed me to meet the great Parents of the Class of 2012 where I can vent and celebrate. I have found that he is happy doing what he loves, and that he has good choices even if he gets a B or drops out of a club.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t fuss too much about ECs unless your child is shooting for the very top, academically.</p>
<p>My son never participated in a single EC in high school. He did have paying jobs, though, starting in the second semester of 9th grade. At first, he shelved books at a public library, and later, he worked in a retail store. He ended up at the University of Maryland at College Park – which was appropriate for him in terms of academic level.</p>
<p>My daughter had significant achievements in only one extracurricular activity, and it was a very common one – instrumental music. She was a major league (all-state level) band geek, but her participation in other ECs was modest, and she didn’t have a single EC that related to her intended major. She ended up at Cornell – which was appropriate for her in terms of academic level.</p>
<p>Could either of them have gotten into Harvard? Almost certainly not. But the colleges they actually attended turned out to be good choices in both instances.</p>
<p>All you need to do is find a good safety school - one which he likes and will thrive at, and where you can pay the bill. Anything above that is an extra (and for many, not even necessary). </p>
<p>There are several thousand colleges and universities in the U.S. The vast majority, including hundreds of really good ones, are begging for bodies (who can pay the bill). </p>
<p>These things have a way of working themselves out (provided he, and you, have a good safety).</p>
<p>I would say learn as much as you can about everything college-related but don’t talk about 95% of it. I do agree that you need to be upfront about the importance of maintaining good grades and staying out of trouble. Don’t be a maniac about the grades, just reinforce that it is important.</p>
<p>Beyond that, be subtle and gentle. If your subtle and gentle suggestions work, great. If not, move on. You don’t mention your son’s age. You can, in a conversational way, try to elicit from him what he is going to want in a college. Then look for some of those on your own to start a tentative list, and find out how much they cost, admission requirements, etc. This is all available on their websites. You don’t want him to find out his senior year that he should have taken four years of foreign language to qualify for admission to his favorite college. These are his decisions but you can help him be prepared when the time comes.</p>
<p>Be aware of criteria for the various awards but don’t make an issue of them. If your son might qualify for them, you can subtly and gently steer him that direction. Low-key, low pressure. Start figuring out where the scholarships are. </p>
<p>And enjoy your beautiful boy while you have him. When he’s gone that nest feels awfully empty.</p>
<p>If your high school has a Key Club, I’d suggest your son check it out. They do community service projects all year long. My daughter can choose how involved she wants to be in each project, from very involved, like running the blood drive, to just a little involved, like bringing in canned food for the food drive. It’s only one club to commit to, but lots of opportunity to do things that look good on college apps.</p>
<p>I had one who was very sensitive and struggled with some anxiety when she was younger, though at this point it’s completely disappeared. (She would credit daily meditation for that, but that’s another thread.)</p>
<p>I said, “We start from the bottom up. So first we find you three schools you can get into worst case and would really like to attend. Once we’ve done that? We’ll look at the rest of it.”</p>
<p>In the end, she had a relatively stellar acceptance season. But, she’d done such a good job with her safeties, she chose one of those instead. Sometimes, when you encourage them to fall in love with their safeties, they actually do. :p</p>
<p>It can be fun, actually, and very stressfree, if you start from this premise.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your son.</p>
<p>LOL shrinkrap! my son loved that movie. so violent!</p>
<p>^Yikes! Actually, it was my brother that was into it, as a “film buff”. Never saw ut; I can’t even THINK about it! But somehow, it came to mind with the original post.</p>
<p>CC does not represent the average student applying to college. Geniuses, overachievers, “helicopter” parents Lol, are way OVER represented. 
My daughter is a bright overachiever and I am an overbearing mother who really tries not to be but… Honestly what I do is try not to pass on my anxiety to my daughter. I have a 3 ring binder with a calendar for marking important dates and reminders - college visits, test dates, reminders to do this Or that pertaining to upcoming college apps.</p>
<p>My daughters is adjusting her dance schedule for the year so she will still have a solo to compete and to put on her application but that is all. No group dances and only independent competitions. This summer will be spent at a week long politics seminar she was accepted for, followed by varsity cheer camp and practices, hiring choreographer for her solo and practicing it, math tutor for fall sat and act and community service required for national honor society. Normally her summers have consisted of dance, cheer and play but we all know this summer will be different. But by adjusting her dance it will allow her to focus on academics and volunteering and college visits… it is what she has to do. </p>
<p>Luckily with her dance background she knows how to work hard. I am taking a deep breath, crossing my fingers and hopefully will watch her blossom. <3</p>
<p>Parents can help best in the early part of high school, I think, by being aware of the details of the college admissions process so that they can help their kids avoid pitfalls – which may come up before the kids themselves are motivated to think about college.</p>
<p>One example: My daughter’s 10th grade schedule included precalculus and AP US History, which meant that she was ready to take the Math II and US History SAT Subject Tests at the end of that year. But as a 10th grader, she wasn’t thinking about standardized testing yet. I was the one who knew about it and suggested that she consider taking the two tests. After trying some practice tests from test prep books and getting good scores, she agreed to take both tests, and as it turned out, she did well on both of them. It would have been a shame for her to miss the opportunity to take those tests at the time when she was best prepared for them.</p>
<p>I love CC, and wish I would have found it earlier in my kids lives. But - I’ve also come to learn that just because it’s a perfect school in CC-world, it may not be the perfect school for your kid. My S attends (and my D will) a school that would never be considered a great school by CC-standards - but they are great schools for them.</p>
<p>Now your S’s perfect school may be a top school and that’s fine too…just don’t let yourself get too caught up in comparing stats and schools on CC to your S. Use it as resource so you are realistic about chances, but ultimately pick whats feels and fits (academically and financially) the best to you all without worrying about where his peers are going, what your friends and family say, the rankings, etc.</p>
<p>My two cents.</p>
<p>When I first started reading CC’s site, I had a similar reaction. If it makes you feel any better, my kid hasn’t gotten perfect SATs, hasn’t published a book and hasn’t discovered a cure for cancer. However, I now realize she WILL get into a good college and she will be a success because that’s just the kind of kids we have. :)</p>
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<p>I think this is exactly the best part of CC-you become aware of things like this.</p>
<p>My son was always playing catchup with the SAT Subject tests because he didn’t take classes earlier in HS because I had never even heard of these tests! He still managed to get into a lot of wonderful schools though and part of that is I found CC in time to have a strategy of where he should apply to maximize his merit aid opportunities. </p>
<p>The only thing I am doing differently with my daughter is to make sure she takes classes as early as she can. I also signed her up for the SAT question of the day-that did get an eyeroll from her but hey she can do them or not but I have made it available to her.</p>
<p>Other than that I am going to leave her alone. My son did the EC’s he wanted and so will she. They both like their summers free and so do I-we live close to the beach!</p>
<p>If your son is anxious-as my son is although he has worked through a lot of it-the best advice I can give you is to just let him do what he needs to do. Balance is such an important part of life-my kids could never be like some kids I see who I don’t think even sleep! Nothing wrong with that if that’s how they are wired-mine aren’t. :)</p>
<p>Remember that the CC world is very skewed towards the higher range of student. My son visited here a few times but stopped-he said when he came on here he would go from feeling pretty good about himself to feeling like a loser! He certainly is far from that-but you will see things on here that are just amazing-of course who knows if all of it is accurate!</p>
<p>OP,
"How do you balance the urgency and importance to do well in school and participate in EC’s with not making them an anxious mess? How do you give them accurate information and help set appropriate expectations but not be a dream killer? "</p>
<p>-First, they are in a driver seat, not us, they decide on EC’s, seek accurate information and set up goals for themselves. You listen and listen carefully. Provide inforamtion only if it is helpful and non-interfering. I have enjoyed the whole process of application to UG, 4 years of D’s UG, application to Med. Schools (D. is starting there in about 7 weeks) and looking forward to be enjoying listener (hopefully) for the next 4 years of Med. School. I have never had anxiety. Instead, I found a new hobby for myself, after work activity that I enjoy so much that I am at the point of being obsessed with it, but on a joyfull side. </p>
<p>D. had been in tons of EC’s and had unrelated minor. All pre-meds have to have EC’s to be successful applicants to Med. Schools, she was not the only one. All of her EC’s and her Music Minor were her way of relaxing, developing relationships, enjoying herself. She would not be as successful academically without them, especially Music and Sorority, but she has enjoyed working as Supplemental Instructor for Chem. prof, interning at Med. Research Lab, volunteering, going abroad, and yes, relaxing at the bar on a weekends with her friends. All during school year, nothing was available in her home town and she did not need to take a single summer class either. They need to choose what they think they witll enjoy participating and take full advantage of it. If they are in their room studying all day long, it is not going to work. Also, being positive, seeking assistance when needed helps. D. ended up graduating Summa Cum Laude with numerous awards, load of friends at her UG and very good choice of Med. Schools to attend.<br>
Relax, let your kid be in charge, let yourself enjoy your time with your precious child and when he is gone to college, do not forget that you are also a person not just a parent. Listen, have patience, help him to go over any humps but do not interfere. They want your love and support, they do not want to be passangers in thier own car (life), they want to drive it.</p>