<p>I am dreading April 1st. My child did his very best at high school, has excellent stats, and challenged himself in his Senior year taking four very hard courses at the local Ivy league college. He has been waitlisted by MIT, and as we all know, admissions can be a matter of luck/chance. How do I help rebuild his confidence if he gets rejected by all the first tier schools? I am afraid that any rationalizations that we might offer will not mean much.</p>
<p>I am sure many of you have dealt with similar situations. I would appreciate any ideas for dealing with this. Thanks!</p>
<p>I would suggest to let him cry or let it out in some way. And when he’s done letting out all the disappointment/frustration do something really fun with him and don’t mention the school at all. This is my game plan for April 1st. No matter what, I plan on doing something fun with my family.</p>
<p>Your student will be fine (unless this is the first time he has experienced defeat).</p>
<p>We grow up getting excited for the best and preparing for the worst. Your student knows how he compares to his classmates and what his performance is. I think he probably has a very good understanding of the process and will be prepared to accept what it gives to them.</p>
<p>It will be of no comfort to him, but in my own opinion, he will be the person he is regardless of which college he goes to school at. Whether MIT or state university, it will be up to him to take advantages of the opportunities in life. Where he goes is much more related to his drive and passion that based on which college he graduated from.</p>
<p>I hope he applied to a few safeties. He should feel commended just to be waitlisted.</p>
<p>When my son was waitlisted at an ivy (w/out any hooks), he was profoundly disappointed. I had no clue he even had a shot. A few days later, I congratulated him for being waitlisted because it was a whole lot closer than getting rejected and he realized that indeed, “yeah! I’m pretty okay!” He’s now 3-for-3, with a few to hear from on April 1st. I’m sure it will work out if you planned well.</p>
<p>I agree with what the other posters have said. Also it is important to remember that there are so many great schools out there–and I hope he has applied to some of them with an eye toward excellence in education rather than name recognition.</p>
<p>I think part of the problem is the narrow definition of first tier schools, and I mention this more as a pointer for next year’s applicants than because it will do this year’s any good to be reminded. A highly qualified student has realistic chances of admission to lots of truly excellent schools. And they are all officially “first tier” by general standards. If you and he are setting your sights solely on Ivys and MIT or Cal Tech, for example, of course the chances of disappointment rise, but you are in good company, and you will have lots of it, too. There are many instructive and sometimes disturbing threads on CC about students who narrowed their search prematurely and struggled to find the right place after not gaining admission. But it almost always works out eventually. If you get in, great; if not, move one to consider the other good schools to which you have applied and that wanted you.</p>
<p>remind them of the ways colleges select, rounding out what they need in a particular entering class. this as well as the fact that the numbers of students applying is so high that it is challenging for even the tippy top students to get into their top choice college. good luck to those waiting these tough last few days!</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry. I love you. I know you’re disappointed.” “College X doesn’t really know who you are. Their perception of you is only the tiny slice they could see from your application. They don’t know who you are as a person, and their rejection should be taken accordingly.” “You didn’t seem to be quite the right fit for that school. They might have been wrong. But you’ll do great wherever you are.”</p>
<p>A big part of the whole human experience is being given the gift of your own disappointments and being allowed to have those…I think in our effort to “make our kids feel better,” we sometimes rob them of this opportunity. Believe it or not, and I really wouldn’t SAY this to your kid, as disappointed as they can be is the exact measure of how happy and excited they can be. End of story.</p>
<p>In general, “Man, that’s painful. I’m sorry.” Shake head. “It’ll be okay, but I know it really hurts.”</p>
<p>Also, keep in mind, if you did it right, they’ll be going to college. </p>
<p>The one thing I’ve noticed over the years is that the girls do not like to be told that it will be all right, though they definitely want to hear that it is the school’s loss. The boys want to be told that it will be all right, that they will be okay, but that it is okay for them to be upset for a day or two, or a week, “Cuz who wouldn’t be?” fwiw.</p>
<p>Good luck to everyone. Hopefully it’ll be better than you expect. :)</p>
<p>My old stand-by is “All things happen for a reason. You may not know the reason right away, but you will figure it out along the way.” It may not comfort him immediately but it will eventually make sense. My D is amazed at how this happens all the time and we both have come to truly believe it.</p>
<p>First thing I’d do would be to explain what “first-tier” means. It is an artificial designation given to schools (mostly) by a magazine in the business of selling their ratings. Supposedly their ratings determine what schools are best, and by extension, what graduating students are best. When you explain to student that it is only a sales tactic of a magazine, that may take some edge off. Starting here will lead you to the topic that it is largely the student that determines how much he learns at a school. Many famous, successful people attended schools that are little known; and many infamous people attended well-known schools. So, it really is the student not the school. Many people in the U.S. are successful in their careers. Of those, how many graduated from Harvard(perhaps the best known school)? Certainly far more successful people didn’t graduate from there than people who did. It is a matter of numbers, and personal application.</p>
<p>After you clear that up for the student, then combine posts 9 and 10.
Best wishes.</p>
<p>This. The competition for MIT this year was insane - people on the MIT board were calling it a slaughter. Only a tiny portion of applicants even did well enough to be waitlisted (about 85% were rejected outright). And MIT does frequently take people off the waitlist - they have for the last three years.</p>
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<p>Also this. Nobody should be taking a college rejection personally. The colleges try their best to get to know you, but there is really only so much they can do. It’s not a judgment on you as a person (or even really as a student - top colleges freely admit that there are more well-qualified students in their applicant pools than they can take).</p>
<p>We were in your shoes a year ago. After a thorough college search, my son set his heart on Bowdoin and applied Early Decision. It was a really big deal in our house. He was top boy in his graduating class; five 5s on APs; good SATS, SATIIs, varsity athlete and captain, Jazz Band and Wind ensemble member; member of team that advanced to international academic competition, …He started signing his emails with a polar bear print (Bowdoin mascot).<br>
In the follow up after the deferral in reaffirming his interest in attending Bowdoin, he was told by the Admissions Officer to be “patient”. His school Athletic Director also called, as did his guidance counselor, who has told that DS was an “excellent candidate”. The rejection March 30th was very painful. We went through a whole “why did I work so hard for 4 years” drama.
From good advice on CC we reiterated that we were not disappointed in him, it was their loss, that good things would happen for him. As the mom, I also actually encouraged him to grieve over the rejection, so he could leave this emotional baggage behind him. Made him all his favorite dinners and treats, etc.</p>
<p>We still puzzle over the positive messages from Bowdoin, more non-commital neutral feedback regarding his candidacy would have been more appropriate. We have since learned from another family that they too were lead down the same garden path. To have their hearts broken.</p>
<p>After other acceptances came in, we visited the one school and that he hadn’t visited, made the decision to attend and we embrace that future, never looking back.</p>
<p>Flash forward to this year, he is gloriously happy at a Jesuit college, thriving academically, socially and growing into the fine man he is going to be.
It doesn’t make the journey less painful, but the truth is that we all wind up where we are meant to be.</p>
<p>^^ It is a real accomplishment to be wait-listed at MIT these days! Can you go through and help him find what’s great about wherever he gets in-- first-rate engineering school? Science professors who’ve done such and such? Graduates who’ve gone on to _____ ? </p>
<p>I think so many kids want to get in to MIT or Yale or wherever because they want to prove their worth to their friends and peers, to teachers who haven’t recognized them, to the world. And I understand that all too well. But it never quite works out that way. And meanwhile, as younghoss says in post #11, many magazines get sold. Meanwhile, do whatever you can to remind him that his real accomplishments and abilities are really seen by others. </p>
<p>There’s no getting around it though-- a child’s disappointment, after years of honest effort, is a very hard thing. But it does pass.</p>
<p>I want to echo tuxedocats experience - had similar adventure last year. Son applied ED to Duke. He was at the very top of his class, straight A student with 8 AP classes, 34 ACT, great ECs and community service, fantastic alumni interview - she actually e-mailed son afterwards telling him she was giving him the highest possible rating, etc. He was deferred in December and was beyond devastated, as he had been planning to attend Duke since he was about 10. He stayed home from school the following day and was inconsolable the whole weekend. Then he pulled himself together and sent out 3 appplications - that’s all he had time for. He was accepted at William & Mary, Michigan and Wake Forest and decided to attend Wake.</p>
<p>Fast forward one year and he loves Wake. In truth, it is probably a better fit for him as it is a little smaller and offers an undergraduate business major. I learned a lot from this process. It is a terrible idea for a student to get very attached to one school - you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Be open to several options, apply to safety schools and don’t take rejection personally. I plan not to go throught this type of drama again with S2.</p>
<p>“he is gloriously happy at a Jesuit college”</p>
<p>tuxedocats, I am trying to pare down a list of colleges for DS who is interested in visiting a couple of Jesuit schools. Other than the obvious (Georgetown, etc.) would you be able to share where your son is happy, or just recommend a couple?</p>
<p>:: peaking in shyly because of … well… you know::</p>
<p>The advice is so excellent that I can’t add to it. I can add the ‘me, too’ which hopefully comforts YOU (won’t help you kid at this point I know).</p>
<p>DD heart set on Yale, deferred EA, nervous wreck, and rejected. Heartbroken. All we could do was let her grieve, say You’ll be fine, you are wonderful. (and she IS 2 years later)</p>
<p>And resolved not to let it happen again… but DS, same thing. Only worse since he didn’t get a boatload of accepts to comparable schools to balance the sting.</p>
<p>“It is not you, it is them.” was the mantra.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for these great responses. You have no idea how it helps to read them.</p>
<p>Our weekend was brutal, with a wait list letter from American U, which was the expected “in for sure” school - but it looks like they had 3 times the usual number of apps, this year. I think my daughter will be getting more rejections than acceptances, sadly. But we lived through the tears and self-doubt for 48 hours over the weekend (identical to the posts I’ve read on this thread), and she’s now starting to focus on her safeties (both accepted, already) and what she can do with the opportunities she’s been given, there. I’m more proud of her and her attitude shift than I think I would have been even if she’d gotten into her top reach schools.</p>
<p>It’s all part of the growing up, I know. But I kind of feel like I earned my parenting stripes this weekend.</p>
<p>sthrelk - I think another point, not really addressed on this thread, is that we, the parents, need to grieve a bit too. When our kid hurts, we hurt. We may tell our kids not to take it personally, but frankly, my feelings were hurt a bit when my son did not get accepted at his ED school. We may tell them all the positive things outlined in the above posts, but I will admit that deep down, I too was disappointed. And I think that is ok.</p>
<p>Yes, the how to comfort yourself and spouse when your kid is rejected or hurting…that is yet another thread. Spa Days and smoothies for all!!! Also suggested a late night after your kid has gone to sleep viewing of an incredible tear-jerker movie, which will allow you to cry unabashedly for an hour or so…</p>
<p>I know it will all be all right, but it is soooo hard to let our kids have the pain of growing up. I am told, unfortunately, that this never entirely goes away. Yet another thing they don’t teach you in lamaze class…</p>