And do you see this issue in your school or community? From the 4/24 NY Times:
I see it at workplace now. Those adults who grew up in that environment now expect their boss to take over what their parents left off. I have had few employees who complained that I wasn’t more in awe of what they did when they were used to be showered with praises by their parents.
Here is a quote from the article:
I feel as if I have read this same article in some form or another so many times.
While some people clearly go to far, having reasonable expectations for your kids is not an altogether bad thing.
We try to communicate that one should use their gifts to the fullest since it is the right thing to do rather than a way to earn love or praise. It is difficult however when so much of our society is about “building the resume” as a path to fame and fortune.
This is very easy. You get them jobs such as mucking horse stalls for $2 a stall and they learn really fast that studying is worth it.
Depends on what is meant by “excel.”
Those who truly excel are a rare breed. They are internally driven by their own desire to accomplish something that fascinates them. It is not a drive that can be put in a person; it is part of the intrinsic makeup of that person. Excellence is a combination of talent and drive. Many people may have one or the other, but not both.
Part of the problem is the very assumption that everyone can excel at something. I don’t think that’s true, and this myth leads to much unhappiness. It’s better for parents to focus on imparting standards of behavior rather than on standards of outcomes.
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I have had few employees who complained that I wasn’t more in awe of what they did when they were used to be showered with praises by their parents.
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lol…give 'em a nice pat on the head and maybe keep a jar of treaties on your desk. 
Everyone has strengths / talents they can develop but only to their individual potential.
There may be a a lot of talented young basketball players but, regardless of how much training they put in, how many of them can be Michael Jordan?
The article is thought provoking. Thanks for sharing it.
I think that it must first come from within, a space that cannot be “instilled”. If it is there, then it can be nurtured, occasionally pushed, and simply witnessed (i.e. we do not get in their way). Parents cannot really claim full credit - most of it for whatever reason is mysteriously inherent. I cannot subscribe to “tiger mom” programming.
I am so glad I can’t relate to this article- not one bit. My parents were unconditionally supportive of me- my successes, failures, and stupid decisions.
Obedience was not expected in my house- but then again, my parents weren’t expected to be obedient from their parents. Challenging authority is a good thing in my family, not something to be discouraged.
I am where I am because of my parents’ love and support. I have always known that no matter what, they would support every good, bad, and disastrous decision I ever made. That gave me the confidence to make those good, bad, and disastrous decisions. On the other hand, I have never had to live up their “expectations” as their only expectation for me was for me to be happy. Whatever path that meant, they were going to be on the sidelines cheering. They were the first to tell me to slow down, to enjoy life, and to not take life so seriously. They told me a “B” isn’t going to kill you and yes, you can quit ballet if you don’t like it. I’m grateful.
@romanigypsyeyes >>
Obedience was not expected in my house- but then again, my parents weren’t expected to be obedient from their parents. Challenging authority is a good thing in my family, not something to be discouraged.
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Well, I’m not sure how extreme y’all were allowed to be “disobedient.” We weren’t expected to be robots, and we were allowed to question certain decisions, but once we voiced “our position,” my parents either reconsidered (based on whether our input was sound), or they stuck to their guns…and we were expected to go along.
There is already a thread on this op-ed from a few days ago:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1770247-parenting-conditional-love-for-merit-op-ed-by-david-brooks.html#latest
And that’s fine for you, m2ck, but that’s just not how it worked in my household.
My dad was a union president so I think bucking authority kind of runs in my blood 
We were never allowed to be disrespectful, but when I, as the child, disagreed with something I would be heard. Sometimes my parents agreed, sometimes they didn’t, but there was a dialogue and even when we still disagreed at the end, it rarely ended without a compromise. I really can’t think of an example of when my parents said “this is how it’s going to be and that’s that.”
By the way, my family and I are well aware of the fact that people think the amount of influence and power I had in my family was weird. But we simply do not have the kid-adult dichotomy as much as other people seem to have. That’s just not how we work and it worked ** for us** which is all one can ask for.
Based on the thread title and not the article my first response is read. When parents are reading and doing other intellectual activities they model behaviors that benefit their kids. Doing well becomes the norm, it isn’t a matter of praise. Expectations set high and taken for granted.
Exactly how my parents and I are. It may seem odd to some, but when there is as much mutual respect as there is in such a relationship, each voice is taken with consideration - and I appreciate that. I was never taught that my worth or opinion was lesser simply by my being a child. By encouraging discussion and debate, my own critical thinking skills were developed at a younger age, and I was more at ease with working with adults both now and when I was younger. So it worked out for me, but all families are, of course, different. 
We encouraged our children not to excel in comparison with other children but with respect to their capabilities. We gave them innumerable opportunities to discover and reveal their interests and talents, to follow their curiosity and develop habits of inquiry and exploration, and to engage in ways of effectively contending and expressing themselves in a variety of skill areas including reading, writing, music, math, sports, science, art and other areas.
This was not a process of excessively praising them or rewarding them. It was one of providing opportunities for self-discovery with guidance from us, the parents, teachers, coaches, etc., appropriate to their evolving interests.
Kids bring with them into the world certain abilities, inclinations, and innate talents. But they don’t know what those are, nor do we, their parents. The fun for them and for us is to see how those talents come out when the kids are given opportunities to explore and to develop skills. But we never withheld our love, approval, tools, or opportunities conditional on whether the kids met some arbitrary goals or objectives.
So…I wrote my response after #11, but stepped away from my computer before posting it. I’ll post it now, but just wanted to add that I like the comments of modeling behavior, mutual respect and self discovery. 
"hmm…obedience. I guess I trend toward ‘obedience’ on the obedience/freedom ‘parenting’ scale.
When my children were very little I would say, “do what I say, this is Mom’s-land.” Was I a tyrant? I don’t think so. I believe structure makes little ones feel safe. This stance was age appropriate in my opinion…especially when it concerned matters of safety. With obedience, you can also teach them how to delay gratification. I admit it worked for us mainly, because I was able to be a stay-at-home mom.
As they got older (around pre-K and school age), we introduced the concept of compromise. [Family dinners are a good place to start this. In my opinion, kids seem easier to deal with while they are eating. ] Yet, I would still occasionally use “because I said so”…I honestly don’t see how you can raise a child without using that phrase at some time. And I confess I even used "“the United States is a free country outside of this house. BUT inside OUR home, it’s Mom’s-land.”
Here are some examples of compromise: nap time; you want to stop naps, then you may not act cranky at bedtime. Deal?
ECs; you want to take gymnastics/dance/baseball/whatever, then you may not quit until the end of the term/the recital/season/whatever. The understanding was they had to do “something”. It taught perseverance, commitment and responsibility.
But as they got older the most important thing we did was to communicate expectations. We made sure they understood what was acceptable and what wasn’t. If they wanted something from us, we talked about it…pros, cons, etc…and then set parameters. If we wanted them to do something, we explained why.
An example: I want your long-term happiness and I believe taking a foreign language for 4 years will make life easier for you. Then I would share that my high school required 2 yrs of foreign language for graduation BUT the university I attended required 4 yrs (level 4) for my degree. It was painful(!) in college. We gave them the choice and both chose to complete the 4th level of a foreign language in high school.
Okay…I seriously rambled. (sorry) I just wanted to share.
No family is perfect. I do not believe for a minute that anyone can say, “My parents never did this…” or “I never did this to my kids…” It may be how you like to remember your parents or how you like to think you treated your kids, but it is fiction. I would like to believe I never raised my voice at my kids or argued with my spouse in front of them or I always allowed them to have a voice, but I know better. We may strive for certain behavior, but I would say I probably achieved my goal only 70-80% of time. In my mind, I like to think I only encouraged, never demanded, but my kids may tell you otherwise. It’s refreshing to hear some young posters think their parents were so perfect in raising them.
I do have a pet peeve about parents that want to discuss every little thing with their darlings.
Parent: “Honey, I would prefer if you don’t throw food when you are eating.”
Child: “But I want to see how far I could throw it.”
P:“Honey, I understand it maybe very interesting to you, but other people don’t like it.”
C:“Why? I will try not to hit them.”
P: “Hone, it is not polite.”
This could go on while the child continues to throw food and utensils at people at the table.
What about, “You are not allowed to throw food. If you do it again I am taking you out of here.” What possible compromise could you be looking for? There are so many situations when kids are young that very directive message is needed. I am sorry, but reasoning and debating with young kids can be like negotiating with terrorist.