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Please tell me you’re kidding. Diagnosing a disease by questionnaire? Oy.</p>
<p>I agree with the comments about letting him ‘fail’ and find his own motivation, and the article link posted above was excellent. I wish I had backed off my oldest son (now a HS senior, admitted to 7 colleges so far including his top choice :)) sooner! I worry a little that I’ve been too helicopter-y and he will struggle in college. Love it when he pushes back at me now and says “I’ve got this, mom”.</p>
<p>But I also know that positive motivation helps, because my freshman “B” regular track son became a junior “A” / AP student. Three “carrots” did the trick, YMMV: 1)money (I offered him cash junior year, ONLY for an A for the FULL YEAR, classes like gym and electives didn’t count. He got 5 of them!); 2)visiting beautiful college campuses and meeting beautiful college co-eds at schools that were just a tad out of reach for a B student (we started sophomore year - will be starting freshman year with next son!) and 3) getting a job as a busboy at a restaurant - taste of the real world.</p>
<p>I’m sure some folks will jump on me recommending paying for grades, but it works with some kids. My son likes to have the best of everything, so I knew it would work for him. He loved buying Ray Ban sunglasses and his own iphone with the money he earned. I view it like a real world lesson: work hard, perform, and you earn more; you also feel a sense of accomplishment when you buy yourself a treat that isn’t just handed to you. And paying only for the final yearly grade allowed me to lay off somewhat in worrying about every homework and test grade - and caused him to begin to pay attention to them!</p>
<p>I disagree to let him fail, especially a fourteen-year-old boy. Boys need direction and help to organize, attend to details, and get things done. Don’t go for that stuff (because it’s easier for the parent…) that it’s his decision, his choices, his life. His brain is not even finished until age 20 or more. I am not saying don’t be hard on him–quite the opposite. I’d showed him you are “in there” with him, lots of positive reinforcement on the topics (not sports) that he is good at, explain to him sports management these days take at least some college (I have a niece who is going into it and she’s studying some finance and management in college at a specialized school). AND, he may well be BORED. So many kids I know of who don’t do well in school, and MANY hugely successful people that are interviewed, say they were bored at school. Public schools are largely little challenge and are taught in a very boring way. Find a subject he has a passion for and cultivate that. People take boredom as laziness or a disability, when the kid needs more challenge and an interesting setting/way of teaching/learning.</p>
<p>There’s failing and there’s failing. I discovered the hard way that when my teenage son left something at home that he needed at school, and my reaction was, “oh, you must have been hungry without your lunch or your wallet” vs. me trying to problem-solve- that my son stopped leaving his lunch on the kitchen table. ALL BY HIMSELF. Because I let him suffer the consequences (being hungry, bumming an apple and a granola bar off a friend) instead of showing him my superior organizational skills.</p>
<p>There’s a difference between direction- “have you thought about a topic for your science project? do you need a lift to the library this weekend or will you take the bus?” and swooping in to manage, find a topic, check out the books, suggest source material, etc.</p>
<p>For a kid like the OP’s- maybe starting to feel real life consequences is the way to go. If you are late meeting mom somewhere, she gets annoyed and nags that you’re irresponsible (at least I did). If you are late for work, your boss docks your pay. Different, no???</p>
<p>There’s a huge difference between providing structured discipline “no screen time until your homework is done”, or “have a seat and get that problem set done while I pay the bills” (and keep an eye on you to make sure you aren’t goofing off)–and actually doing the kid’s work. </p>
<p>“I don’t want to go down this route, but should I ask doctor about ADD?”</p>
<p>My 9th grader was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after school started this year. Up until then he was able to keep up with everything. However high school requires you to pay a lot more attention than middle school. It became obvious to me that he needed help by watching him try and do his homework. It would take hours to do his math home work. He kept getting distracted by little things,losing focus and he couldn’t sit still. Have your son do his homework where you can see him. If he has ADD or ADHD I think you will be able to tell that something isn’t right.
Now that he is on meds it’s a total different experience. While he doesn’t like doing homework or studying. He can get it done in a reasonable amount of time. However if your son doesn’t have ADD then the meds will not help and could actually be harmful. </p>
<p>Could you reach out to his gf’s parents? If you unite, you may have more leverage. :)</p>
<p>I read these two threads side by side and feel like some family counseling is in order. You seem overwhelmed and your boys seem to have gotten into a “can’t win” cycle with you. I see that you want them to succeed in life and be self sufficient, but I can’t tell by reading these how you define that. I understand how they are having some confusion and possibly acting out.</p>
<p><a href=“Son got into dream college, now FAILING exams. Please help. - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums”>Son got into dream college, now FAILING exams. Please help. - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums;
<p>As your other thread was closed I will add this here RE both boys. I agree that more often than not some prestigious, highly selective east coast schools are a better route to some professions than Western Kentucky State (your example). I also understand that there are some places and some life circumstances where this transition from HS to college is the biggest, best chance to “get out” and not get side tracked by low skill jobs, teen pregnancy, or a general culture of smaller dreams. I understand your desire to get your boys "launched’ into better circumstances. </p>
<p>My point has been that generally speaking you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Be on their team. I don’t mean to coddle or make excuses but to let them know in a real way that you believe in them and their abilities. It is possible to demand a lot if they know that you believe in them and are really rooting for them. Many of your posts have the tone that you feel that they ARE really made of lesser stuff. You say that you don’t transmit that to them at home, but that seems hard to fully believe. Try changing your internal dialogue and see if that helps. </p>
<p>When our older kid was getting a bit balky during fall of senior year and suddenly acting like a regular teen I told her this: “I understand that you want to be independent and that’s perfectly normal for a teen. However, your best chance of that is to see this college app thing through so that you have the acceptances and scholarship resources to go off and be independent. I want nothing more than for you to go away and fulfill your dreams, so listen to me just a little bit now so you don’t end up living in your room and attending local CC next year.”</p>
<p>She seemed to respond to that idea that I wanted her to have the chances to go off and do her thing. It was just a slight reframing from what you are doing now.</p>
<p>Again, the timeline with your older son is short RE getting ahold of his grades to the point that they are good enough to skate safely through to the end of the year. Even if it’s hard to step back and shift the conversation I encourage you to try. “You’re ruining your life!” historically is not the best way to reach a teen. It seems to just push them away more.</p>