how do you motivate a smart, lazy kid?

Parents Forum
21

<p>Just random responses as I read the other posts.
It is so true about the pitfall of praising GT kids for their intellect, which boomerangs because they then become afraid of failure, and they secretly worry that they perhaps are not really all that smart, so are afraid to try new things, not be good at them initially, and then refuse to continue them because they feel 'exposed' as not that intelligent.</p>

<p>I do think some kids are more prone to being perfectionists. My son will bang the keyboard in frustration if he doesn't play the piano piece he is practicing perfectly. No one would notice the slip, oftentimes, but I did tell him that he was very talented when he was younger (he plays almost by ear) and that little bit of occasional praise, reinforced today by being considered the best in his piano class, probably makes him feel frustrated when he has to work at it now. I protest about the keyboard and warn him he won't get a new one if this one breaks, but I leave him alone to work it out. He needs to learn that he has to work at something if he wants to be good, no matter how much innate talent he has. I'm grateful he has piano lessons in a group, he shines but he has to put in some work in order to shine. He's competitive and that has helped motivate him to work.</p>

<p>For your son, try to get him around a farm. Around animals. My daughter's middle school science teacher, who was accepted to MIT back in her day but couldn't go as her dad died while she was still in high school, said that she grew up on a farm and was surrounded by nature. That environment was very stimulating intellectually to her. Pierre Curie spent hours and days in the woods near his home as a child, learning firsthand about nature which no doubt stoked his interest in science. Course work is fine, we learn about the discoveries of others who have gone before, but getting a child in the same environment as these early scientists might spark his curiosity and, after some discoveries of his own, might motivate him to expand his knowledge by consulting the textbooks to see what others can say.
After he becomes a researcher this way, you might have him read, Madame Curie by Eve Curie. What a tale. Eve writes like Jane Austen.</p>

<p>I really appreciate Northstarmom's candor about her efforts to motivate her sons. Some people are late bloomers, and I suspect her older son will follow that path.</p>

<p>I think if a person develops a passion for something,anything, that will have a domino effect, leading to another interest and then another, etc., and no doubt eventually to an interest that will please a parent (note to parent: don't comment on how pleased you are. Just let things take their course). The hard part is for the child to discover some start-up passion, esp with the hurried pace of our lives.</p>

22

<p>beat him, with a stick maybe?</p>

23

<p>
[quote]
I really appreciate Northstarmom's candor about her efforts to motivate her sons

[/quote]
Ditto. NSM, thank you for posting candidly about what must have been very frustrating periods.</p>

24

<p>good luck to you</p>

25

<p>Hi, Im new to this. But am single mom with a very intellegent 9th grade boy.
His teachers tell me he is one of those students that just stays under the straight A category,His grades are good but His teachers tell me he isnt living up to his potential.
They say they know he is capable of straight A’s in advanced studies. He doesnt seem to want to put forth the effort to do this,in fact,I think he is avoiding it. Any ideas?</p>

26

<p>Hi Minnie, the other posts in this thread pretty much address what you are talking about. Unfortunately, there is no magic answer. That doesn’t mean your boy won’t be successful, though.</p>

<p>S2 was just like this. Oh
actually he is <em>still</em> like this, and he is 20 and a sophomore in college. He is not attending a Top 20 university, but he is in a program that had a 10% or less acceptance rate. His college grades hover in the B range, with occasional A’s and C’s (more A’s than C’s, fortunately). But, he is a film production major, and he loves, loves, loves filmmaking. So, he throws himself into his film projects and does very well on them, although he frequently procrastinates on finishing things up until right before a deadline, so sometimes he turns his work in late, which hurts his grades. <sigh!> He is involved in many activities at his school and as a freshman had a couple of essays published in the school newspaper. In short, he’s going to be fine, even without an abundance of A’s.</sigh!></p>

<p>I would suggest sitting your son down and asking him about his plans/hopes for the future. He likely doesn’t know “what he wants to be” at this age, but you could ask him whether he sees himself attending college (it’s good to ask this question so he can think about the answer!) and what kind of college he wants to attend. Ask him (in all seriousness and as if this is as good an option as any) if he thinks he would like to attend the local community college. As he starts to think about this, hopefully he can come up with some specific college names. When he does that, you can look on this forum at the “Common Data Set” thread (do a search for it). Then you can look at possible schools and what kinds of GPA’s those schools’ admitted freshmen have. Maybe that will allow you to say, “Oh, gee, I don’t think that school is an option for you, because you don’t have the grades you’d need”.</p>

<p>In the end, this is his life, and it’s his decision what he will do with it. At his age, obviously you have to do some things to encourage him to keep his grades up (adding/taking away privileges, etc.). But he needs to be moving towards taking responsibility for his own choices. Your job is to help him understand that what he does now will affect the options he has later.</p>

<p>Back to my son
 we pretty much brow-beat him into getting the grades he’d need to apply for competitive film production programs. When he had essays he needed to do
I am not making this up
I would take him and his laptop to a cafe that does not have wi-fi, give him money for a meal, and leave him to work on the essay. (This was when he was a junior and not driving yet.) He learned to appreciate this and would take himself to places like this to work after he could drive. In some ways, I feel that we did too much and should have let him just succeed or not. But then again, he is now at a school where he is deliriously happy and doing what he loves. He is holding his own with his grades, even if he isn’t excelling. So maybe it wasn’t completely a bad decision.</p>

27

<p>Try reading the book, “Could Do Better” by Mandel and Marcus. It’s got a nice non-panicky approach to understanding the motivation behind kids’ underachievement and suggested strategies for parents. We enjoyed it and found it helpful.</p>

28

<p>My advice is to take care of your long-term relationship with him as you struggle with incredulity, frustration and anger in the next few years. Don’t nag and try to sound positive with him (you can scream into your pillow). You can’t make him care and pressure makes some of them dig in their heels. As your son’s friends move along to college he might get a burst of late blooming in high school. He could choose to do an extra prep year, take a gap year, start at a community college. There are colleges for everybody. Ours got motivated when she saw how hard it was to get a job. The wonderful world of work made the classroom more appealiing. I know lots of boys who went through this. I’ve heard several friends of our daughter’s say “What was I thinking?” as mature 20 year olds.</p>