<p>"Did you ever think your parenting had something to do with this? Have you raised him with unreasonable expectations out of him? I don't think you can get help for such a deep-seated issue from teachers and counselors. You're probably going to need therapy for you and your son."</p>
<p>You jumped to conclusions in a very cruel way. I have 2 gifted sons, both of whom have been slackers. The younger one always was very perfectionistic, and that was something that he was born with. While sometimes parenting can cause perfectionistic, kids also are born with their own personalities and characters, and some really are born perfectionistic.</p>
<p>To the OP:
Here's my advice having been in your situation. Do not move heaven and earth to get your slacker son/gifted into college because he may do exactly what my older S did. S told me he wanted to go to college, so I did the work of searching for colleges that he found appealing. I also stood over him to make sure that he got his apps in on time and well done.</p>
<p>S was a very appealing applicant to the mainly 2nd tier colleges where he applied: High test scores, rigorous IB curriculum (that was his choice), an academically-related EC that he had pursued out of passion and was one of the best in the country in. He ended up getting accepted at places like Vandy, Syracuse and chose his 2nd choice, U Minn., which gave him virtually full merit aid.</p>
<p>Then he went off to college, continued pursuing his EC via the school newspaper, where he spent about 30 hours a week, and didn't go to class, getting a .46 average (you read that right) first semester. The college allowed him to stay with scholarship for one more semester, and he did even worse.</p>
<p>After that, he went off on a paid full time internship followed by a 6-month temporary job, where he wasn't hired into a full position probably because the company didn't want to appear to be encouraging him to stay out of college.</p>
<p>Long story short: After a couple of years living far from home and not working while staying with a well intentioned, but misguided relative who wouldn't let him pay rent, S really ended up on his own when the relative retired and moved away. At that point, S woke up to the fact that he didn't want to live in the kind of dumps that his so-called profession as a punk rock musician (something he pursued after dropping out of college) got him. </p>
<p>So, he moved with a friend to another state, got a full time office job, and has been supporting himself in an apartment for 2 years now. He's 24. Still brilliant. Doesn't want college. Says he always hated school, and doesn't want nor need college. He is one of the most informed people you'd ever meet. Reads the great books for fun. Has 400 pages finished of a novel he's writing for fun. Is happy.</p>
<p>Incidentally, H is a college prof, and I was a college prof during most of S's childhood. S literally grew up on a college campus and had many college student "siblings".</p>
<p>Other S-- gifted, slacker, though unlike his brother always loved school. We applied the lessons that we had learned with older S, and did not stand over younger S to make sure that he followed through with college apps. Younger S gathered applications together, looked like he was working hard on them, but never got them. Two weeks after the app deadlines passed, he was promised an Americorps job, something that he found on his own and happily did for a year after graduation while living at home and paying rent</p>
<p>We had told younger S that if he suffered major senioritis senior year in h.s., we would not pay for college until he had gotten at least one year of a 3.0 average. S almost didn't graduate from h.s. because of horrendous senioritis.</p>
<p>During his Americorps year, on his own, he applied to colleges, selected an expensive private LAC, which gave him some merit aid, but even with that, he had to take out huge loans and work during the school year. He is there now, and got a 3.66 fall semester, and says his grades are fine this semester. When we visited him once, we ran into a student who referred to him as "the guy who is always studying in the library." By his own choice, he had left his computer games at home, and didn't get a TV.</p>
<p>Things we had tried with our sons when they were in high school: therapy (for them, for us. Two different therapists said we were good parents and our kids' slacking was not our fault), ADD/ADHD meds (older S is ADHD, younger is ADD, I'm ADD-- diagnosed at age 50, have an Ivy education and a doctorate), counseling on organizational skills, micromanaging their homework, teacher conferences, active role in parent organizations at school, taking them around to colleges, exposing them to careers, encouraging them to follow their passions.... You name it, we tried it.</p>
<p>It ends up, though, that their lives really are in their hands. Some very bright students like older S do not want to go to college and will not work when they go there even if they go on their own volition (H and I had encouraged older S to take a gap year and pursue his interest in journalism fulltime. He had refused). </p>
<p>I have a couple of friends who are college profs who as youths acted exactly as did older S including flunking out of college and pursuing rock music "careers".</p>
<p>I also know some brilliant adult males who dropped out of college, never returned, and then pursued vocational careers like carpentry with success.</p>
<p>The best advice I can give you is not to do the work of getting your S into college, and do make him responsible for funding a major part of his education. He's a bright guy and can get into college if he chooses to. If he doesn't, have him be responsible for supporting himself. I think that one reason that older S finally bounced back and became employed full time is that H and I always had told our sons that after h.s., they would not be welcome to live at home unless they were in college full time or working full time, paying rent and following the family rules. </p>
<p>Younger S wasn't pleased to have to pay rent when he was a full time Americorps volunteer (they get a stipend). His friends (all of whom were great kids, excellent grades, who went to college right after h.s.) thought H and I were mean to have S pay rent and to not pay for his first year of college. However, our strictness on this helped younger S clearly see that he could not live the high life on the type of job that you get without a college ed. His having to take financial responsibility for his college education also helped him take it very seriously.</p>
<p>So....I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me, too.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. I know how frustrating it is to have a bright, slacker son. Once I let go of trying to take responsibiiity for their lives, my own life brightened quite a bit including by my getting deeply involved in some activities and hobbies that I'd put off since I was a teen.</p>