Hi,
I am a parent to a young child and wanting to make sure I am acting as a role model to prepare them for highschool and college. I would like to know what fellow parents do to instill good study habits and ensure their kid is learning well and excelling in their grades. Do you limit or give no TV or electronic time? Does your child not attend parties? How do you ensure your child understands the material and is able to achieve the As without cheating or staying up many late nights to study? Is your child ‘always studying’? What did you find works for you to raise a happy well educated child that excelled in their exams and extracurriculars? How involved were you given you probably had to work and put food on the table?
I appreciate any advice from parents who are looking out for their kids.
Well for me, my D21 is in 7th grade. There is so much various in the degree of rigor in K-12 education. We live in West Texas in a non competitive area of Texas.
At this age, 7th grade really has minimal home work. I would say the most she ever had was 30 minutes.
She does “afterschool” learning at home with an algebra I text to supplement her school class.
She is allowed 1 hour of “free time” per day during the week M-Thurs to limit screen time. After home work and daily chores, hygiene, she can read what she wants the rest of the night (dystopian lit), John Green books, etc.
My daughter is an introvert, homebody, so limiting social interaction is not a problem, I try to encourage and go out of my way to facilitate any social activity.
I never have to ask her to do homework, it is done when she gets home from school. She has ADHD so structure is very important in our regimen.
The goal isn’t about “how they study.” The goal is to get them enthusiastic about learning and be lifelong learners. Then studying will come naturally.
The Ivy4me screen name is a little problematic. Do you believe the goal is or should be an Ivy League school? Why? Apologies if your name is Ivy
You set pretty high standards here, Ivy. (I’m going to go one step further than @Pizzagirl and assume Ivy is your name. And it’s a lovely name. Like Pizzagirl, I think that setting your sights on the Ivy League for your children is not a good idea. And even if it was a good idea, the screenname should be Ivy4them, not Ivy4me. But that doesn’t matter because we know that Ivy is your name.)
Kids – even the ones who become very successful adults – will not be happy all the time and will not be successful all the time. Some will be downright unhappy, and some will face serious struggles of one sort or another. Growing up can be rough, just as adulthood can be rough.
I also notice that you say “excelled in their exams.” I am guessing that you got your own education in a country other than the United States because a person who went through the U.S. educational system would not say it that way.
I think it’s always a good idea for people who got their own education in one country but are raising their children in another to find out as much as possible about their kids’ educational system. Please stick around on these boards. You will learn a lot of things that may be helpful to your family, starting with the fact that there’s no single crucial set of “exams” that determines college admissions, the way there is in some other countries. In the United States, it’s more complicated than that (maybe too complicated!).
Wow, only 30 minutes of homework in 7th grade? In our regional district, 20 minutes of reading from K on up is standard. By 7th grade (I think this and 11th are the worst grades lol) my kids had about about 2 hours of homework most nights during the week. I had no restrictions directly after school until dinnertime but then all bets were off. Dinner at 5:30 then homework in a quiet study area. I checked the homework until about middle school and then only if mid-terms weren’t up to par (this only applied to my son). In elementary and middle school, I only allowed two ECs at any one time and enforced a lights out policy of anywhere from 7-9 pm depending on age.
My son pushed back in high school and switched out of his honors program at a very good high school when he realized the expectation was 3+ hours of homework each night. He ended up going to a tech school (I dont’ think I ever saw him come home with a book, ugg), played Varsity football and baseball all four years, and joined the military. He is within a few classes right now of his bachelors degree in IT/Cybersecurity.
D had about 4 hours of homework every night in high school, and at least that many hours on one of the weekend days. She was in a IB program and really enjoys academics. The school was her choice and she excelled.
For several years, I was a true role model. I was taking four classes (and working full time) for two years when my kids were 3-5 and 10-12. My son and I would sit together and do our homework after D went to bed.
I’m not sure how young your child is, but for the early grades I made sure they did their homework. I helped check assignments and made sure they were completed. I helped when necessary but not too much because I believe that kids should do their own homework. I started backing off in middle school, letting them be responsible for their assignments. I never expected A’s. I just expected that they would do their homework and try their best. If that resulted in A’s, then great. Now they are in high school, and I don’t even know what assignments they have. They might mention that they have a test or a paper but I don’t always know. One of my kids seems to always have a lot of homework. The other doesn’t, though I think he just may be more efficient about getting it done.
Limiting electronics was never an issue in my house when they were younger as both kids are very active and athletic and didn’t have much interest in video games or TV. Now that they are teens, they are allowed to spend their free time as they choose - if they wish to play video games or watch TV that is fine. They are allowed to go to any party they want to go. Both have used good judgement about not going to parties when they believe there will be a lot of drugs or drinking.
Unfortunately, we’ve always been in school districts that equated hours of homework with learning. Most of it was busy work. Let your kids be kids and encourage and hope they have a desire to be a reader. If they are self-motivated readers from an early age, that will take them far and help them discover interests. I did make sure to insert age appropriate classics in to their otherwise self-chosen reading lists.
“Limiting electronics was never an issue in my house when they were younger as both kids are very active and athletic and didn’t have much interest in video games or TV. Now that they are teens, they are allowed to spend their free time as they choose - if they wish to play video games or watch TV that is fine. They are allowed to go to any party they want to go. Both have used good judgement about not going to parties when they believe there will be a lot of drugs or drinking.”
Exactly. My kids were the same ( though substitute “involved” for “athletic” lol. Kids made their own decisions about how much screen time they had attended a chance and before that it just wasn’t an issue. As for parties, and high school both just used good sense. My older daughter was at a party right after graduation that was busted by the cops where they made the kids breathe into the breathalyzer when she Did she came up at 0.0. The cop looked at her and said " so you’re a good girl Huh?"
How old are your kids? 5th grade…or 2nd grade…or 8th grade?
I hope your screenname doesn’t mean “Ivy or bust” for your kids.
Re: studying. We had two kids. We had a study time in the house where our kids were asked to study. During that time…no TV, no computers. But then, that was back when folks actually used books to study. If they didn’t have homework, they could read. But that time was dedicated…weekends excluded.
Things here…our kids never had televisions in their bedrooms. And they still don’t. When our kids were in HS, we had a computer in our den area that everyone used. I realize times have changed…but our kids studied in the main areas of our house, not in their bedrooms.
And most important…we had a set bedtime for everyone…yes even in HS. You know…you need a good nights sleep to be alert and learn well.
My kids attended parties (kids NEED to attend parties), played in leaf piles replete with ticks, watched tv, did nothing for most of the summer, spent time doing Lego, dolls, reading, daydreaming, etc… By the time they were in middle school, eldest, now a senior, became a devoted scholar. That was her own doing. I think my son took his cues from her. We always made it clear that homework and study are very important.
My youngest, now a freshman, is not as scholarly, but still a very good student. He thinks I am strict about grades. I think I am normal about them. Eldest has eventually relaxed about school a bit. She is in the top 5% in terms of course rigor, and that’s where she likes being. She has excellent options for colleges and many have offered her big merit awards. I allow her to take “mental health days” if she feels she needs them. I think she only misses maybe three days of school a year, so it’s fine. My son is more prone to “forgetting” to do homework and occasionally bombing a test. When that happens, the axe comes down about homework. One or two missed assignments, fine. Three or more means no weekend get together with a friend. If he does badly in a test, he meets with the teacher for extra help unitl he gets his grade back up.
My kids, IMO, are pretty normal and happy. They like school and do well. It’s about balance. I mostly dislike the Tiger Mom approach, but I do insist they always aim for at least 90% in every class. That has been, by and large, achievable for both kids.
I’m with @bopper as long as grades were good, do whatever is necessary to keep them that way.
I think it starts very young. I always got hassled about how long things would take me to do. I always told people (including W and kids): “Do your best at whatever your doing”. It became a joke. I think they took it to heart, tho.
We always praise them for their results, (not just effort) though. No incentives other than this.
First and foremost, read to your child. Reading must be a habit and a thing of joy. The best way to ensure that your child does well in school is to spend time reading to and reading with your child.
When they are young, I think creative play is very important. (watching tv is passive). Go to museums, fairs and the zoo often. Constantly expose your child to new intellectual stimuli. Point out connections and place new experiences into context with other information and experience to which your child has been exposed.
Once your child is older and has homework assignments from school, you can build some specific study habits. Do some homework or reading for pleasure every day, even if it is not a lot. Maybe take one day off a week.
You should be aware that different children retain new information in different ways. Reading new information is just one way. Hearing is another - as is writing it or telling it to someone. Your child should do all of these because the information will connect with the memory in different ways and will, in the end, be easier to recall. Some ways will be more efficient in your child than others. Not all kids are the same.
Do not fall into the trap of “more is better.” A Child needs rest, creative play and social interaction with other kids. it can’t be work, work, work all the time. That takes the joy out of learning and can hurt academic success in the long run.
This is just one person’s opinion. There are many others. I am no expert, but our kids have done well in school.
If none of this makes much sense for your child, you may want to read Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” ; ) Best of luck to you.
I hated it when my mother would say this to me as a child, and I never said it to my own kids.
I don’t think you have to do everything in life to the best of your ability. To me, it makes more sense to prioritize.
When I was raising my kids, they were my top priority. I did my best to be a good parent to them. I most definitely did not do my best at housework, and I sometimes didn’t do my best at earning money in my freelance business.
Similarly, my kids didn’t try their best in every activity they pursued. They only tried their best in the things they cared about the most. They allowed themselves to do some things casually.
I say that it’s sometimes a good idea not to do your best. It can be quite freeing.
I think there is a definitional issue here, and it involves what it means to “study.” I think many people who are recent immigrants to the United States have a different understanding of what this word means from what many Americans think it means.
Studying for quizzes, tests, and exams, usually fairly near in time to the quiz, test, or exam.
For these Americans, it does not mean regular scheduled studying of coursework beyond the assigned homework.
In my experience, most American public school classes are organized so that reasonably bright students who behave as described above can get good grades. Some students may need to do more “extra” work in order to get good grades.
So, if you have a bright kid who is reasonably diligent, my advice would be:
Teach your kid to do her homework on a timely basis, and to do it carefully.
Study before quizzes, tests, and exam, and don’t leave that studying until the very last minute.
If the teacher offers extra credit work, or suggests additional reading for enhancement, do it.
Rather than using a lot of additional time to “study,” use that time for worthwhile extracurricular activities.
To be honest, I almost never see my daughter studying. But she gets all A’s as a final grade, and I get an e-mail from school every day that lists her current grade and homework missed. Sometimes teachers forget to enter homework missed because of being sick, on occasion my daughter forgets to do something herself, but i still don’t reprimand her. I may be a bad mom for putting so much pressure on my kid, but I still tell her that at 12 years old she is old enough to understand that her life is her responsibility. I tell her I think she is extremely capable and can mature enough to organize her time (at least with the current level of studying required in middle school). She is the one responsible for her future and the outcome will be directly proportional to the effort she puts in. Slacking off now doesn’t meant she’ll end up a failure, but in order to achieve the same great end result, she would need to work twice as hard later (as compared to making an effort initially).
I totally agree with @Marian that you need to pick your battles and to teach your kids to do the same. My daughter had a chance to take physics in middle school, which might have allowed her to take AP physics in HS. She went for 2 days and told me she can barely understand the teacher’s accent. I allowed her to switch to a very easy elective. My husband wanted for her to stay in class since he can’t imagine a basic education without in-depth physics foundation. I stood my ground, since it was more important to me to have my daughter fall in love with physics with the right teacher (in which case studying will come easier and hopefully with pleasure), than to be averted by it and push it down her throat just to please her dad. She can always take more physics in college.
We did not set fixed timetables for work, as long as they were doing well in school.
I never saw my son studying at home, not even in preparing for tests. Oh, I think in 7th grade he brought home some “Challenge of the Week” math problem. But otherwise he did almost all of his studying and homework at school. By the time he got home, he was into his hobbies (fantasy sports) or his extracurriculars (doing research and participating in debate in high school). THIS IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR EVERYBODY. But it worked for him because he grasped information, concepts, very quickly, and most exercises – even writing – took only limited amounts of time. He didn’t need our help on this.
I sometimes saw my daughter studying at home. But we didn’t set fixed times to study or not. She sort of modeled herself on her brother (didn’t dawdle over math and other assignments), but she had different talents and would spend extra time on drawing and art. For her English classes she often created interpretive drawings, collages or installations in place of strictly written output like book reports. These we saw her working on – and we often had to shop for supplies for these projects. The teachers, too, enjoyed and encouraged this form of expression. While other students wrote reviews of a book by Maya Angelou, my daughter did an artistic presentation based on it.
@typiCAmom People can always take things to any extreme. I don’t think any form of “do you best…” would mean take a class that is beyond your capability. That would be ridiculous.
I think @Marian makes a good point about needing to choose your battles, and I’m sure my kids do this all the time (I catch them). So, even though I do say this frequently to them, like any kid…I’m sure they don’t apply it in all cases. I’d rather have this, than teach them to cut corners and slack off when they felt it was not important.
@2muchquan, I am not talking about capability, but rather enjoyment. I think if we pushed our daughter to take the physics class, she would have adjusted to the accent and learned the material and would probably get an A. I know she is capable. But it might kill all the love for the subject that I hope she gets to explore under different circumstances and enjoy doing so.
