<p>My freshman D seems very happy but has talked of transferring (??), and I talked about that on another thread. </p>
<p>She really lucked out with her roommate and I think that is a huge thing for her.The college gave the students a personality quiz to help to match roommates, and in this case it seems to have worked out well. She is far away from home, in Ohio, but about an hour away by plane from a lot of interesting places. She and bunch kids drove to Washington D. C. to protest the war one weekend, which was pretty exciting for her. She seems to be getting out and meeting a lot of fun people, though it takes time to make those lasting friends, of course, and not enough time has passed yet for that.</p>
<p>She was just home on a short break and seemed eager to go back "home." I can't believe she is already calling her school home! -- but glad she's happy.</p>
<p>My daughter at Harvard is happy. She says that opportunities to meet world leaders who are politicians, business leaders, entrepreneurs, industrialist, foreign leaders, investement banking is truly awesome. She is thrilled to hear what these people says and how their brains are wired. Few of the famous professors are truly aspiring as they make class presentation like a one hour movie which you can watch over and over again. It seems that inside and outside the classroom there is so much to do.</p>
<p>Harvard sounds awesome. My D's school can't compare to the numbers of opportunities to meet such people, but they make an effort to bring people in. My daughter got to hear Robert Kennedy Jr. talk, and it was great. She is very interested in environmental issues, so his book and talk were right on target for her. Geez, the more I think about it, the more I don't see her transferring. KIDS!</p>
<p>My D is at UMich and appears to be adjusting well. I think the early weeks were difficult as she underestimated the difficulty of being so far from home (we are in Los Angeles) and was surprised by the "culture shock" on a number of different levels. That said, she likes her roommate and dorm, appears to have a number of new friends, got into one of the sororities she wanted and finds the classes to be more straightforward than at her HS. (In other words, if she studies, she gets an A and if she does not study but attends class and does the reading, she gets a B.) To be honest, though, if my stepson (age 31) and his mother (my H's ex-wife) were not in Ann Arbor, I am not sure how my D would have handled the adjustment. From the calls I receive, it seems to be getting better with each passing week, but I can't wait to see for myself over Parents' Weekdend.</p>
<p>My daughter is deeply depressed. On top of the usual freshman issues, she has developed serious psychological problems. However, she is in denial and won't go to the counseling center for help. Privacy laws prevent the college from telling us much of anything. (Warning--get waivers signed before your son or daughter goes off to college. My daughter would have signed the papers in August, but not now.)</p>
<p>In hindsight, she should not have gone away to college--especially to a small one with a high percentage of commuting students and minimal social life on the weekends.</p>
<p>We are worried about her safety. At this point, we would like her to take a leave of absence and come home. She will not do this.</p>
<p>If anyone has been in a similar situation, suggestions are welcome.</p>
<p>I am so sorry you are going through this, Bob. It definitely sounds as if the best thing would be for her to return home. How against that idea is she? What is her reasoning? Can she come home and visit for the weekend? If so, think about just taking action (i.e. getting her evaluated--at a major hospital if you're really worried that there are serious problems) and seeing how she responds. You absolutely need to get her home in any way you can if you're worried about her safety. Call the college and express how worried you are and ask about your options. If your daughter is under 18, everything will be easier. If she's over 18, she really is going to need to consent to treatment.</p>
<p>Like abric1's D, my D is also at a gigantic public. She had trouble adjusting in the beginning, since she found it hard to make any friends who weren't on her floor. She was also rejected by the student-run newspaper, which is typical of most freshmen. The long commutes to class she found to be a huge waste of time and very tiresome and thought about transferring to a smaller school.</p>
<p>However, she interviewed and nailed a part time job lifeguarding, which she loves. The hours aren't great--freshmen typically get the early morning hours that the upperclass guards don't want--but she's learning to be an early morning person. A couple of weeks ago she went through rush and is now a pledge with my own sorority (yay!) and is absolutely in love with the it(sorry all you Greek-haters out there!) I think it was the smartest move she made, because now she has so many new and terrific friends, not just freshmen but upperclassmen as well. It seems to be exactly what she needed.</p>
<p>She's sick right now (just a cold) and decided to come home to do some "canning" (another new campuspeak word) which is when they stand in the street and collect $$$ for the university's largest philanthropy. She'll be home all weekend, since they're canning just a few miles from here!</p>
<p>I agree. The best thing would be for my daughter to take a leave of absence and come home. However, she has refused. At this point, she is not thinking clearly because of the depression. She is isolating herself. Communication is at a minimum. Friends and relatives have contacted her, trying to be supportive, and she has not responded. </p>
<p>We have been in continual contact with the college for the past 3 weeks, and have begun to put it all in writing. It is a one-way conversation. They will not tell us much and do not seem to have taken action even though we have told them about a previous breakdown during which my daughter tried to harm herself. Meanwhile, my daughter is getting worse.</p>
<p>We have been taken unawares by all of this. We were so focused on sending our daughter to college that we didn't really think through what would happen when she got there. Also, we went to college during the years of "in loco parentis" so we had no idea how much more stressful and lonely being a freshman is nowadays. That would be my advice to other parents--think as much about how to help your child transition during freshman year as you did about where they should go to school.</p>
<p>We are continuing to put a plan together. There is a lot we can do...but nothing that guarantees a happy outcome. I really feel that mental health laws need to change. At 18, our daughter does not have the capacity to choose for herself, especially in the state she is currently in.</p>
<p>Bob -- I am sorry to hear this. Can't really think of anything to do other than what coarranged says. Hoping for the best for you and your daughter. Do you live a long distance away?</p>
<p>This may sound extreme, Bob, but if the story is truly as you say, and your D also has a prior history of suicide attempts, I would get in the car and go get her and bring her home, with or without her consent. Colleges are limited in what they can or will do, and the tendency is toward less in loco parentis than more.</p>
<p>
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The 1974 Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act, or Ferpa, bars schools from sharing information in a student's record without that student's permission. But the law provides several exceptions. Among them: if there's a "health or safety emergency" or if the student is declared a dependent on his or her parents' taxes.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It is a sad story and there were many red flags.</p>
<p>You may want to start a separate thread to get more attention from the veteran posters. My sincere best wishes for a good outcome for your family.</p>
<p>cangel: I'm glad you said that because that was what I was thinking. However, legally, I don't think they can bring her back without her consent. However, they could start a commitment proceeding if they truly believe she is a danger to herself. </p>
<p>I would certainly go immediately, regardless of what, if any, action is eventually taken.</p>
<p>I would also consult a lawyer and a psychiatrist before I left, or concurrantly if there is another parent at home.</p>
<p>I also agree with Cangel, for the record. I had that in my post initially and deleted it because I wanted to hear more information first. Definitely find the best psychiatrist and psychologist/other mental health professional for the times of problems she appears to be having and talk to them beforehand, and talk to a lawyer.</p>
<p>Our posts crossed earlier, Bob. It sounds very serious if she is not responding to supportive gestures from family/friends. She may not want to come home because she won't know what to do with herself at home, and of course, there is a feeling of failure associated with having to come home in the middle of a term. So hard.</p>
<p>One of my daughter's friends is at home this year, instead of starting college away from home, because of depression that started last year. I think it was bad enough that it affected her grades, and she may not have had a choice. But, she is seeing a therapist, volunteering for habitat for humanity and taking a class at a CC. I just saw her recently and she seems to be doing well. I'm saying a prayer for a similar outcome for your daughter. It seems important for a depressed person to be able to feel productive in some way. Just a thought. I'm sure you've probably thought of that. </p>
<p>To Bob Smith. I am a psychiatrist in Rhode Island. It may help you to know that, based on my thirty years experience, it is my opinion that the mental health laws do not prohibit a mental health professional from breaking confidentiality if the patient is at risk to herself or others. In fact, it is just the opposite. As I understand the ethics and the law, the mental health professional is obliged to inform and warn the family (especially if the patient is only 18 years old)if the patient is of danger to self or others. I am not an attorney so I cannot say with absolute certainty, but I am fairly certain about this. Perhaps you may gain some solace by consulting a health care attorney and a psychiatrist on this matter. Most psychiatrists would be very critical of a doctor who did not inform the parents of an 18 year old if she were of danger to self or others or at the very least try very very hard to get the patient to give them permission to tell you how she is doing. Perhaps this can be of some solace to you in that it may mean that the health care providers at her school do not consider your daughter at risk to self or others. It must be very hard for you. Above all, I agree with the previous post that you get yourself to the college asap to judge for yourself.</p>
<p>Bob, I'm so very sorry to hear about your D's situation. I think you've gotten some good advice and hope that you're able to get her some help soon. I can't imagine how frightening this must be for you.</p>
<p>Atlmom said:
"SHe is 6 hours away in another state University with 82% instate quota....I think the ISS are clinging to each other and soon they will branch out to meet new people....we will see."</p>
<p>This reminds of when my S started high school and knew no one. He was a mess the first few days, feeling like everyone knew each other. But I think it was more what you said, that the kids were clinging to people they knew just because they knew them, not because they were such great friends. He's at a small midwestern LAC and seems to be enjoying it, but I know the transition hasn't been without stress. My H visited for family weekend and took S, his roommate, and several friends from the dorm out to dinner. H said they were all very "careful" with one another, apologizing quickly for an imagined slight, etc. H said he realized that it was because the friendships were new and still felt precarious--and <em>very</em> important, like a raft to a drowning man.;)</p>
<p>As for high school, S met a kid on Halloween who became his best friend, and that was that--everything fell into place. Sometimes it just takes a little while to find those people.</p>
<p>Bob- can you and your wife go there, now and see for yourselves- is it normal freshman blues amplified by personal issues, or is it true depression? Could you go offer her two options- come home or get into treatment there, if treatment feels to you like it would work.</p>
<p>All I can say is you have to go with your gut, do not talk yourself out of your concerns, one of my Ds had a different issue and was 25+ hours away and it was very difficult to put my finger on it, I actually had an opportunity to work away from home in her area and took it, it took almost 6 weeks before I determined the problem and she did in fact withdraw for the term- and as a graduating senior. It was an issue of physical safety, but still would have been easy and was easy to talk myself out of my gut instinct for too long. </p>
<p>It was also easy to be blinded by the issues and to not want to force her to stop when she was about to graduate. If she does come home, she can go back, she can finish elsewhere, she can do something productive in the meantime, there are good things which can come out of her time away from school- though you may have to direct her to see those, as she may be overwhelmed with survival.</p>
<p>Bob, I hope you and your wife can just drop everything and drive or fly there. If it were us, we wouldn't know what to think until we laid eyes on the child, held her face in our hands and asked, "how are you?" </p>
<p>If you can afford to go together (if no children left at home, etc.) I'd think that helpful because you can share your perceptions with spouse. </p>
<p>She sounds in such bad shape that you could make up an excuse and say there's a conference in the city for your work. I don't think she'd care. If she needs to see you, she'll just be grateful you show up and not question it.</p>
<p>I'm suggesting don't even ask her, should we come--rather just go. Then you'll know better what to do. How can you assess this situation by phone...I couldn't.</p>
<p>EDIT: BTW, my kids are lousy about responding to "friends and relatives" who contact them at college, no matter how they feel. It's crappy but they aren't good about it. Cousin Sue's phonecall just isn't a priority. The only way they're good if it's grandma (big emotional pull there) or if a cousin emails. But they don't phone anybody back who's not on campus; too irrelevant to their life. </p>
<p>If she's that adamant not to return home, it could be she feels there are things worse about home than college. Can you see her and ask her to make a choice: either come home or stay in place and see the mental health professionals on campus or get an offcampus evaluation. Then at least she's choosing something. You sound like you've already pre-determined she needs to come home, when it's possible she could work this out in place with better help.</p>
<p>Bob,
Do you think it's "just" depression (not that deprssion can't be very, very serious on it's own), or do you think it might be depression mixed with something else (substance abuse, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, etc.)?</p>