<p>Bob, by all means go there if you can. Does she have a roommate you can contact and who could assess the situation (is she eating, sleeping, working...?) I would also contact the Dean of First year studies, and make him aware of the situation. If your daughter needs to take a break, it is imperative IMO that she should not view this as a failure and get the support and encouragement she will need from teachers and admin.</p>
<p>washdad, Could you tell me how your son feels because his school has only 13% of students from OOS? Thanks. Glad to hear that he is happy overall.</p>
<p>Bob, I am so sorry to hear about your D. I did send a PM to you about a friend, and you might find it helpful. I agree that you should go and visit your D.</p>
<p>Absolutely, Bob, I would suggest you go and assess the situation first-hand. I did ask my son to sign the waiver before we took him to college and he had no problem with it. His college said it would allow them to send someone with him if he needed to be hospitalized and make it easier to communicate with parents. When we were on campus for orientation, the president of the college and the student services guy said we could call them directly if we were worried about our kids and also said that if our kids' safety or wellbeing was threatened, they would find a way to let us know. But some schools seem to interpret the privacy laws differently. </p>
<p>When I was actively working as a therapist the first thing I talked about with my clients of any age was the limits of confidentiality. There is a "duty to warn" if someone threatens to harm themselves, someone else, or even someone's property. But if I were you, I'd go find your child and see for yourself how she's doing. My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the advice...and also the PMs. It helps. I will start a separate topic & look at the older ones mentioned. In answer to questions/suggestions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I am consulting with her physician and also a psychologist. I will ask about a lawyer. I am also talking to many other people. It is difficult to decide on the right approach for someone who resists treatment. (She is over 18...there is little likelihood that we can force her to do anything.)</p></li>
<li><p>My family (spouse, myself & sibling) did visit her last week for the first time since school started. My "gut" had been telling me to do this for a month, but my D kept telling us not to come & she wouldn't come home. She was very hostile to all of us--threatening to cut off contact if we didn't do what she said. In hindsight, we should have gone earlier. When we saw her, we were alarmed by her condition. My D's friends told her sibling that they were worried about her because she doesn't sleep...and other issues. We also met with someone from the college. My D's sibling is back again for another visit. I am trying to arrange for us to see her every 2 weeks or so...as well as for her to visit others...so that we can provide support & monitor how she's doing. </p></li>
<li><p>The college is listening to us, but I don't think they see what we see. First, my D puts on a good "happy" act. Second, they don't know her, so they can't see how she's changed. Third, they seem to have a very hands-off philosophy. They keep telling me she is an adult. I asked why they didn't sent out the information-sharing permission forms as a matter of course and let each family decide whether to submit them. (My D would have signed the forms last summer but not now.) They said it wasn't their policy. They also don't seem to understand that she can have a disassociative break suddenly and without warning, even though we've told them. The fact that she seems happy & laughing does not predict her inner state.</p></li>
<li><p>The story is more complex than what I can publicly post. There are abuse issues surfacing. It is <em>not</em> just freshman blues. There is a reason for her depression. She has needed treatment for many years, but refused it. She is acting out the abuse issues now.</p></li>
<li><p>If she would seek help, she could probably stay at school. At this point, she's in a downward spiral that might cause her to lose her scholarship. We would like her to take a leave of absence & come home before that happens. We are worried that she will hurt herself if she thinks she has failed. Somehow, we need to find a way to treat the depression, because she is not thinking rationally. In honesty, I do not believe she is at the right school for her. Socially, it is dead on the weekends (most people leave or live off-campus), in a bad neighborhood so it takes effort to get away, and she's in a private room--very bad for long nights alone and awake. Academically, it's wonderful, but I would not be sorry if she switched schools.</p></li>
<li><p>Home is a place of safety for her. (Our family & home are not associated with the prior abuse.) She has many good support networks. She has even acknowledged this. However, I think she is afraid that if she comes home, she won't be able to leave again. She also knows she won't be able to act out the way she has at college, and I think that scares her. She is choosing to act out rather than seek help.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>My D has coped with her problems by over-achieving. It is frustrating that the college only sees this as a strength, not a weakness. How many straight-A successful students commit suicide every year, while everyone wonders what possibly could have been wrong? My spouse & I gave her the option of deferring college for a year or of not even going to college. We don't care when/where she goes to school as long as she is dealing with her inner pain. There are many paths to a happy life.</p>
<p>Thanks again for all the comments. It will take a while for these issues to resolve. It helps to know that you are all there wishing the best. And the advice is very good.</p>
<p>Bob- I know she is an adult, but is she financially dependent on you? If so, you have some level of power, even if it hurts to have to resort to durty tactics, if it is her well-being at stake you may have to do so.</p>
<p>It is a real catch 22, this thing about them being adults and you have no control, then you read about the kids who commit suicide at school or like the 35 year old guy with the student loans. Just because some one is 18 does not mean they are ready for real life. </p>
<p>We're all thinking of you!</p>
<p>Bob I am so sorry to hear of your situation. My first inclination would be to drop everything and bring her home. I would contact the school and perhaps they could set up a counselor to talk to her before you got there. She needs intense therapy to get her through this time. College can wait, and there are also local colleges that she could attend after she gets her life in order. My daughter suffers from an ugly mental illness and had a break her junior year in high school. Our lives were thrown into complete turmoil. I could not imagine handling this with her away at school. We could not even focus on her future regarding school, just getting her whole again. She has since regained her life and is a junior at a local private college and lives at home. There are solutions here, you just need to be the parent and take control. </p>
<p>I hope this is helpful.</p>
<p>Almostlaunched--yes that is helpful. I am realizing that since she went to school we have stepped back too much from our role as parents. Partly this was because we did not want to be "helicopter" parents, but also because we are afraid she won't come home again if we anger her. This is what she has been threatening. (She is adopted, so that is another complicating factor in this situation.) I think we hoped that if we treated her as an adult, she would respond as one. I guess we have a lot to learn about the psychology of this age group.</p>
<p>This year her financial dependency is minimal. Still, she needs money for next semester and we're considering how to use that fact as a lever to get her into therapy. </p>
<p>Thanks again for all the responses.</p>
<p>Bob...I am now almost 50 and my BFF of almost 30 years is adopted also. She comes from a loving family, has wonderful parents and is a happy person. She told me that she had to deal with a lot of emotions surrounding her adoption when she was in college. As great a life as she has had...there were still many unanswered questions in her mind. I know that she sought counseling and it helped her tremendously. I do not mean to step over my bounds here....I just thought it might help to know that kids sometimes struggle with adoption even when they have had a wonderful, loving home. It isn't easy leaving home...I am thinking of you and hope that things get better soon.</p>
<p>Just an update to all those who responded to my request for help. Things have not gotten better. My daughter's physician believes that she is bipolar and in her second manic episode, the first being at the end of her junior year of high school. At her doctor's advice (& after consulting several mental health professionals) we went to try to get her to seek medical help. She called security and had us thrown off campus. Her behaviors have deteriorated rapidly. The college will not take action because she has not acted out in public, even though we have documented her illness--she is exhibiting most of the signs of bipolar disorder. There is still a possibility that she is just suffering from a combination of psychological issues, stress and poor lifestyle choices. Regardless, the medical professionals that we have consulted think that she is headed for a psychotic break and that her life is in danger.
We are trying to figure out what to do about the "she's 18 and over and has a legal right to self-destruct" attitude of the college and our daughter's denial. The NAMI family advocates that I've spoken to have been extremely helpful--I recommend this organization to anyone who is dealing with mental illness. We still have to figure out how to deal with the legal issues.
We considered so many aspects of the colleges that our daughter applied to, but we did not consider their reputations for dealing with mental illness. I would all other parents to consider this, even if your child is healthy. Apparently, 18 is a marker age when many conditions appear.</p>
<p>I don't know what state you're in or she's in but you might want to get a lawyer that handles guardianships in her jurisdiction; you may be able to get temporary guardianship very quickly so that you can have her taken against her will to a hospital for evaluation. I'm so sorry for your situation.</p>
<p>Bob, my prayers are with you and your family. I have a 50 year old brother who suffers from depression so deep he cannot handle his own affairs. He lives with another brother ... after living in his car for several months. Mental illness is so difficult for the whole family. Please keep us posted as you work through this. We are all thinking of you.</p>
<p>Parents, this is an issue many of us haven't considered. My D's school had a place on her health form to check off to allow family access to medical info, which she willingly checked. We can all learn from Bob's experience. If your child's school has a waiver, let him/her know that it is important to allow you access (and promise not to abuse it!). Does anyone have a suggestion for a way to put a waiver on file if the school does not provide one?</p>
<p>No good advice here, I'm afraid, but good luck Bob. This must be such a trying time. </p>
<p>If it hadn't been for a friend complaining about trying to get the right medication for her son's injured hand, we never would have even known about the waivers. I think it should default the other way around-- i.e. the information should be accessible unless the student checks off otherwise. This is an unpleasant surprise for too many parents AND students.</p>
<p>A student who recognizes he or she needs psychiatric help may not seek help out if he or she thinks the parents will find out though. So the waivers serve an interest.</p>
<p>I cannot imagine that my daughter's school would have her father and I kicked off campus! At the very least, they would not kick us off campus without talking to several people, such as the admissions office, the office of residential life, even the campus president. They want our money too badly; we are on the monthly payment plan, though. Was there some kind of big scene? </p>
<p>You said that, "The college will not take action because she has not acted out in public."</p>
<p>Has she acted out in private? What does her roommate say? Or the roommate's parents? What about the RA? Surely someone has witnessed her "deterioration". How are her grades? Has she been in any trouble at all while there at school?</p>
<p>I'm sorry ... but ... there is something about this that just doesn't ring quite right. It seems very illogical. For instance, I have my daughter's advisor's home phone number. He wrote it on the blackboard during parents orientation the day she moved onto campus.</p>
<p>I don't think that this has been changed, but a NAMI advocate would know for sure. Under Cal, section 5150 of Prop 63, only people who pose imminent danger to themselves or others, or who are unable to care for themselves, can be taken into custody for treatment and evaluation. And then they can be held for no more than three days without a hearing before a judge. Furthermore, they must fulfill a specific set of three conditions: they’re a danger to others, a danger to themselves or unable to provide for themselves.</p>
<p>People can’t be hospitalized for having crazy thoughts or acting crazy and even someone who does harbor suicidal thoughts can not necessarily be taken to a mental hospital for evaluation.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs immediate evaluation by a psychiatrist in CA, not a local one in your home town. Only the professional will be able to mobilize to hospitalize your D, if she is deemed a danger to herself.</p>
<p>Good luck. I understand why you are so worried.</p>
<p>fpfan--We were coached by NAMI family advocates on how to approach our daughter and how to persuade her to see a doctor. They also told us that we would almost certainly fail. Believe me--we were calm. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. However, we would never forgive ourselves if something happened to her and we did not try. We did meet with officials from the college administration. They feel they are following the law. At 18, she has the right to refuse treatment unless they observe her do something that is a danger to herself or others. (She was acting out but managed to control herself by the time security arrived.) The policy of the college...it is private...is that we can only be on campus as a guest of our daughter.
I am sorry if none of this makes sense to you. It barely makes sense to me. Two months ago, no one who knows my daughter saw this coming. Our family is devastated.</p>
<p>Bob: I am a clinician and I remember a case where parents of a 19 year old obtained "medical power of attorney/guardianship" -meaning they could dictate that their daughter stay in outpatient mental health treatment or sign her in to a hospital if recommended for a serious eating disorder/they hired a lawyer for themselves and one for their daughter/ the judge ruled in their favor, their daughter was forced to remain in treatment and did very well. I hope this might be an option.</p>
<p>Bob</p>
<p>I think you are providing a valuable message here--make sure you get a waiver signed. Our son's college sent it out saying, "If your child needs to be hospitalized, we want to send someone with him/her and let you know. This waiver will allow this to happen." I explained this to my son and he said, "Well of course, I'd want someone to go with me to the hospital and call you." A medical emergency is an emergency, whether it's "mental" or "physical" health. I think we know now that it's the same thing.</p>
<p>Dear Bob,</p>
<p>Thoughts and prayers are with you. It sounds as if you and your family rescued your D from a very difficult earlier situation. But now, as your D becomes less rational in the throes of the mental health problems she's experiencing, it's going to be very difficult to get her to agree to act in her own best interests, or to let you take care of her.</p>
<p>I wonder if when you apply for legal guardianship, you get a hearing at which, when your D protests, you can get a court-ordered psych evaluation. If that is the case, it might be one avenue to get her into the same room with a mental health professional. </p>
<p>BTW, it is very disturbing that the college, presented with all of the information you've provided, is not stepping up to the plate more. I hope that a lawyer well versed in mental health law in the state where the college is located will be able to offer you some alternatives that will get your daughter at least evaluated. Or, if there are some obvious things that the college could be doing within the scope of local laws, but is not doing, perhaps the lawyer could communicate with the college directly.</p>
<p>I'd say my son is a 9, just because I don't want to say he's the happiest he could possibly be. His school is everything he ever wanted, he has money in the bank for the first time in his life, wonderful friends, loves the whole thing. He came home for a 20 hour visit last week -- just long enough for his orthodontic adjustment and a haircut. He spent much of the time "homesick" for college! After spending just one night "outside the bubble" he was anxious to be back and worried about how he will survive winter break back with us!</p>