<p>Though I haven't posted much I do lurk occasionally and thought this was a good thread to jump in on. S is a freshman at UNC-CH and doing well so far grade-wise but I am having second thoughts (regrets?) about his attending an in-state school. The dropoff was anticlimactic compared to many of your stories because we knew he would be coming home the following weekend for a family wedding. What we didn't know was that he would end up coming home EVERY weekend. He met his girlfriend this summer (a jr. in HS) and has been commuting home every Friday and leaving Monday morning. He hasn't integrated himself into the college life at all. He gets along with his roommate, but he goes home every weekend to see his gf too. It's not a matter of us not wanting him here, but I feel as though he is missing out on so many of the experiences your kids are having. We kept hoping that eventually his ties here would wane but this break he dropped a bombshell. He took a job <em>here</em> at the local Y lifeguarding on the weekends. We had encouraged him to get a p/t job next semester but we really thought he'd get one <em>there</em>. I actually feel jealous of y'all missing your kids. So the short answer is that he's doing very well academically but may as well have gone to a CC as far as the college experience goes.</p>
<p>Berkeley prides itself on aggressive diversity so I'm not surprised an Inca is doing well there.</p>
<p>Lucky'sMom, wow. Your S's experience makes me grip even tighter to my "no school within 200 miles" rule. A fair number of parents get vexed with their students being too far away...I was the other way around. I do envy the ones whose students are in the same time zone...one of D's best friends is up at Pacific Lutheran near Seattle and it's a quick 2-1/2 to 3 hour flight home with no connections needed. Coast to coast gives over a full day to travel when going the "wrong" direction.</p>
<p>Son at U Texas in Honors Program and Honor's dorm. Majoring in pre-med and economics. Has had a good semester except for near break up with gf who is at a prominent LA out of state. Near break up caused him to probably get the only B he anticipates. Taking bio, chem, mv calculus and honors econ. Came back at Thanksgiving more convinced than ever he wants to be a doctor. Getting high A's in the science courses did that. (I was impressed as he avoidied AP courses in the sciences in highschool). I think it is good that he doesn't have the pressure of trying to get A's competing with all valedictorian types. Doctors do not have to be scientific geniuses. I have seen a lot of pre-meds get discouraged that way.</p>
<p>Hanging out at the dorm, playing frisbee, ping-pong and too many computer games with the engineering honor's students. Regular swing dancing and occasional things like camping out all night for Dalai Lama tickets. Has even watched on TV his first football game (UT). Maybe next year attending a game? Accoring to him, the Dalai Lama says: " Sleep is the best meditation". Can this be true?!</p>
<p>He is quite happy as he had a nice Thanksgiving with extended family and GF We watched him pack into a car with 5 other multi ethnic UT honors students on their way back to UT Austin. They all seemed happy as larks.</p>
<p>As an aside we feel that as parents we have more of a connection with the UT Liberal Arts Honors Program than we have had with our son's school since elementary, as he has gone to large public schools.</p>
<p>luckysmom,</p>
<p>that is a dilemma, but not a rare one. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about it, just let it run its course. The odds are it won't last, especially given she's still a hs junior. Till the likely breakup you have to just be patient and realize he's doing what he wants to do and is probably happy (and he's at a great school).</p>
<p>TheDad & I think alike on may things and this is one of them. Only we said not within 300 miles.</p>
<p>Along with TheDad and SBmom, I am a fan of spreading the geographic wings for college choice. But... the BF/GF preoccupation can happen even with distance from home. I know of couples where one flees the home campus every weekend to be at the BF/GF campus, thus experiencing nothing of his/her college environment during that time, failing to join any activities, spending little time making new friends etc.
It's a true disappointment (and is certainly more likely when so close to home). As others say, it may run its course before the year is out. It did for my niece, so you can cross your fingers.</p>
<p>On the other end of the geographic argument -- last year, S had to fly home the weekend before midterms for a funeral, and had to deal with his deep, deep grief a long way from us. This year, he has mono. Luckily, we were visiting him when he came down with the worst of the symptoms -- especially since all campus eateries were closed for Fall break -- and could supply him with soup and popsicles.</p>
<p>In spite of all that, the kid is very happy at Columbia and continues with everything, meeting his self-imposed high standards. Has a girlfriend this year, active in his frat, still in two music groups (had his first paying gig), still straddling three possible fields (physics, math, econ) and wants to explore philosophy, at least as a concentration. His favorite class is a huge lecture, but with a flamboyant professor who puts on quite a show. He loves the reading list for this year's core class. Differences between last year and this one: He seems more comfortable in NYC and loves it. (The kid suddenly likes to shop.) He has a much better roommate situation, but he was surprised to discover that the friends he made last year are now scattered in lots of different dorms and harder to connect with. He complains, mildly, that students don't just hang out in each others' rooms much. Belated realization of the benefits of a residential college system? He finally started to go in to talk to some professors. He seemed a little intimidated by them last year. He realizes he is better than a lot of people at a lot of things, but recognizes that he is encountering some people who are truly brilliant. (In my opinion, that's a good thing.)
Like everyone else's kid, he doesn't sleep nearly enough. When he complained he was tired because of the mono, he stopped himself and added: or maybe it's because I didn't sleep that much this weekend. Apparently, went clubbing Saturday night...</p>
<p>On the distance from home aspect. I think it depends on the kid. My mom was recalling just last week how the first month of school I came home on weekends but after that she never saw me except for major holidays. I was a 45-min. drive from home. (Didn't have a boyfriend back home and loved being "independent"). Also, I was talking to a friend yesterday about his freshman S who attends college about an hour away. They've seen him once this semester, Thanksgiving, and that was only for a day. He's so happy at college and so busy that he just doesn't get home much. His older sister, a junior at a different college about 30 min. away, comes home all the time.</p>
<p>My freshman D is absolutely loving William and Mary. She seems to be fitting in well with a group of kindered souls. Students, including those in frats/sororities, appear to be inclusive. Prior to going there she was a bit concerned regarding all of the hype she read in some of the college guides about the difficulty of courses, reverse grade inflation, etc. In fact, she purposely went slow on joining organizations the first semester so that she did not risk overloading herself. She has since found that there is a significant but not overburdening amount of work, grading appears to be challenging, but fair and there is ample time for other pursuits. She is pursuing a liberal arts concentration. She did say that some of her friends who are in hard science and math courses
appear to have a bit more pressure on them. As an engineer, this is the same thing that I remember during freshman and sophomore years at Stony Brook.</p>
<pre><code>When she came home for Thanksgiving, she could not wait to get back "home"--a Freudian Slip for campus.
</code></pre>
<p>Warning to parents of freshmen:
Saying goodbye after Thanksgiving sophomore year seemed harder than last (feshman) year. I felt more melancholy, realizing DS is extremely grown-up and independent. Seems to need us less and less, other than for filling the empty wallet.</p>
<p>DS is as happy as a pig in a poke. He has loved Rice from day one, and can't imagine being anywhere else. It truly is a perfect fit for him. Like sjmom and faline's sons, mine has blossomed into a very involved, very social, very active, very committed (to academics and extracurriculars- well this is nothing new), very responsible, very mature young man. He is partying much, much less this year. This is due in part to his living off campus (and all those thoughts of having parties at the house just haven't materialized) and in part to his very full, very hectic, very busy schedule. He is triple-majoring, is very active in a number of campus activities and volunteer organizations. He will be spending the first half of his winter break in Nicaragua building a solar power plant with the "Engineers Without Borders". Then, when he returns home, his girlfriend (who lives and attends school out of state) comes to visit for 10 days. We are feeling increasingly insignificant. Not that he doesn't look forward to spending time with us. He's just so involved in things outside of our sphere. He plans to get a job to help with $$, and the once-a-month travels to see girlfriend are affecting his wallet. He's busily looking into summer internships and is just so incredibly forward-directed. He tries to credit us with his being such a good guy. We in turn give the credit back to him.</p>
<p>Now, mind you, everything is not perfect. He's gotten very adept at ways to ease into telling us things that are not great news, like losing his cellphone the day before Thanksgiving break, and then oversleeping and missing his flight Thanksgiving morning. He was pleasantly surprised that we were remarkably calm and understanding , as we went into "problem-solving" mode. I explained to him that perhaps the reason we (or should I truthfully say "I") stayed to calm throughout the transportation ordeal (without benefit of the cellphone-- how did we survive without them??) is that , truthfully, it gave me the opportunity to "parent" him, and take care of him just a little longer. I must be pathetic, but I kinda miss it. It was nice to be needed again.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I must be pathetic, but I kinda miss it. It was nice to be needed again.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>lol. I had the same thought as I lugged chicken soup,apple juice, and popsicles up to my S's dorm room.</p>
<p>marmat - Sounds like our S's may know each other. Math/physics with a science related writing seminar? Princeton is the perfect match we thought it would be. In fact after a couple of days home he was glad to be back at school. The work load is heavy and he's doing a sport, but he's very disciplined and makes sure he gets his zzzz's.</p>
<p>He says it's going to be hard to decide between math and physics for a major. He's taking both, but next semester his physics and math classes are going to overlap 20 min., so he's talking to professors and advisors to figure out what to do. His math professor is a Field's medalist and his physics professor next semester is a Nobel laureate in a field he's interested in.</p>
<p>No girlfriend yet, but he's got his eye out. He wants to have some girls as friends first.</p>
<p>sac-
I hope you got your s. some great deli chicken soup! Lots of places to get good soup in NYC! Hope you were able to enjoy The City and being a parent all in one visit!! Glad he's feeling better. If you need a link to discount Broadway theater tickets, let me know!</p>
<p>Reading all this, boy, I sure wasn't this happy in college. Academically yes, but socially? It just seemed so daunting to me at the time, so vast, so foreign. Does this mean my kid is just more competent than I was? Oh wait, she tells me she's more competent than I am now:). </p>
<p>Just to throw some reminders of life with the teenagers into the mix....</p>
<p>Enjoy your freshman they get much more independent sophomore year. My freshman D was thrilled to be home, shop with me, see all her friends, sad to leave. My sophomore missed his girlfriend, couldn't wait to go back, even though he said hanging with us was the best part(diplomat). He then made plans to shorten his XMas break to 10 days, so he could fly to visit GF, road trip with her to visit all their college friends in the southwest. He is applying to work in NY over the summer at a camp for children with emotional/behavioral problems. It is great to see he is doing so well and is happy, so what more could we wish for....except just maybe missing us just a little, lol</p>
<p>Quote: "Enjoy your freshman they get much more independent sophomore year."
So true! I think it was by sophomore year that my d. told me she now felt that college was "home", and her friends there felt like family. And this, from a formerly somewhat dependent kid who struggled as a youngster when away. So, we were actually pleased for her to make that transition...and luckily, she remains a loving, connected daughter.</p>
<p>It has been such a pleasure reading this thread and enjoy so much hearing all your stories. Would like to jump in after each post but will not, however, have had sincere thoughts about everyone. Hey, aren't we lucky!</p>
<p>luckysmom;I would ask more questions to your son about the actually academic qualities of his university.Does he fully grasp the academic benefits of the college he is attending?I would try to make him more aware of that, as it seems he may be lost in love. The best thing he can do for himself and his girlfriend is concentrate on receiving the best education he can.He may have some more maturing to do and as long as he is pulling good grades in his major I would just keep encouraging him in his studies there for another year or so.(Of course there are other considerations like finances too)Of course, what do I know!!!!(mom of 4- 25, 24, 19, 18)</p>
<p>Sounds like arizonamom and donemom had the same experience I mentioned in post #50. These kids really transition into adults as they move through the college experience.
I was discussing with my younger s. why college seems to be such a great experience-- You spend 4 years with people of the same age, with generally the same array of interests and the same schedule, all in the same living environment. What a great opportunity. Then I told him when I get old and grey I want him to put me in an active seniors living facility, as it sounds like it will model that college experience all over again-- people of the same age, in the same environment, with the same interests and the same schedule! So we'll party a little less and move a little slower... But, I can't wait! :)</p>
<p>Jym, This summer after watching son go through the college process in fall 04, I was confronted with 2 95 + year olds, my parents, who needed to move to an assisted living community. So here I was in June, looking for a place for them. I saw a similarity between son's search and now my search for my parents. I visited places, called on the phone, talked to the "managers" and one day found just the right place for them. They are happy, have their "dorms" and very fancy cafeteria where they all eat together and get to know one another. I watched my dad making new friends after being on his own for years; I watched the dinner conversations. My parents were really scared to make the move but knew they had to. I left them in August. I returned in October and they were really enjoying the place. And yes, they don't party much and walk with "walkers." Most of them! :)</p>
<p>overseas,
We had the exact same experience. After 2 years in a row touring colleges, my husband and I found ourselves, touring small group homes for my mother-in-law. She could no longer stay in her assisted living home due to a decline. We were touring, interviewing, checking out the climate, the other residents. the social atmosphere, extracurricular activities. It felt so similar!!!!!!</p>