<p>BHG: Parents here of a "higher scale"--ouch! I'm sure you didn't meant that how it sounded.</p>
<p>I'll vote along with those who'd rather this thread would stick with helping out parents/students with rocky starts, instead of turning into a Christmas letter.</p>
<p>MY D is doing well, but she definitely shares tons of details- good & bad, but more often the bad, as we are the safe sounding board. We broke the year down into segments, when you're in a bummed out mood, just plan to finish the first term, but really you need to finish the first year to give it a real chance to see how things truly are and she has signed up for classes about which she is excited and is looking forward to 2nd term.</p>
<p>I think my point, mainly, as an experienced parent, is that it can hurt to read how well every one is doing when your kid has doubts- whether the doubt be about the choice and a transfer is imminent, or whether your kid wants to take a year off (we've seen a few of those over the years, some go back, some don't) or whether your kid is merely griping about things not being perfect, but you know as parent that things are "perfectly fine," they just are not "perfectly perfect" :)</p>
<p>I think it is really helpful, too, to realise, as parents, we should not expect ourselves to be able to "fix" this for the kid, but rather, we need to be the perfect & safe listener, allowing them to bounce ideas off us and also making certain that the kid with a choice has considered all the options, to help them make good choices. Some kids don't need that help. My oldest rarely called the 1st year, as I expected, my D2 calls all the time, as I expected. My D1 only called about logistics or when there were crises, so I got pretty good at knowing I could not go fix things, and figured out how I could truly help her was to help her make a good choice, herself....it seems to have worked pretty well, she is a senior, still calls for advice, though deals with the crises with less emotion now....laptop hard drive crashed one day before she was to teach a grad seminar and all notes were on the laptop (hmm, a senior and she still has not figured out how to back up!) She called to complain, ask advice on the computer, and then went to the library to recreate her presentation and gave it. I was very proud of her both dealing with the issue and, finally, realising that being upset would not help anything, she did not have time to be upset, she had work to do!</p>
<p>Oh, hey, about the kids posting differently than the parents- it's probably a couple of things:</p>
<p>The kids mentioned here, having a great time, are too busy having a great time to post. Also, the type of kids having an okay time, may tell great stories and also post their worries.....nothing is ever quite the way it seems! Some kids are probably having both great & lousy moments and what they say depends on when you talk with them.</p>
<p>I would like to reassure many parents of first years, if you have a kid who calls you when in crisis, they may very well rebound quite quickly and forget to let you know they are okay again!!</p>
<p>I think it's perfectly fine to share all of the news - fantastic, good, neutral, and difficult. This post is very useful for 2006-7-8 applicants and their parents to get stories from the front that illustrate: most students really like college; sometimes the adjustment is challenging; the opportunities for self-knowledge and expanding perspectives, hobbies, etc. are enormous; students really do mature; etc.</p>
<p>My son is finishing first term today and then off on a week's UK tour with his a cappella group. His adjustment problems were primarily of the the disorganized-male-having-to-do-for-himself variety - thankfully, he didn't seem to encounter any difficulties due to being in a minority group (US students - 50-60 per year enroll as freshers). He started term with lots of free time and lots of sleep, but once he got involved in the steep learning curve for mastering the repetoire of the singing group and when his physiology tutorials started up, his life snapped back into its familar hectic state in senior year - work work work, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, perform, perform, perform. In short, nothing new! The leopard didn't change his spots. </p>
<p>I am just hoping that he remembers to print off his e-ticket and that he arrives at the airport on time to make his flight home next weekend!</p>
<p><<<disorganized-male-having-to-do-for-himself variety="">>></disorganized-male-having-to-do-for-himself></p>
<p>perfect!!! So true... my smile for the morning.</p>
<p><<<i am="" just="" hoping="" that="" he="" remembers="" to="" print="" off="" his="" e-ticket="" and="" arrives="" at="" the="" airport="" on="" time="" make="" flight="" home="" next="" weekend!="">>></i></p><i am="" just="" hoping="" that="" he="" remembers="" to="" print="" off="" his="" e-ticket="" and="" arrives="" at="" the="" airport="" on="" time="" make="" flight="" home="" next="" weekend!="">
<p>LOL - Why are we so amazed when our kids actually start developing the survival skills to be on their own. They do, but we won't stop worrying about it. :)</p>
</i>
<p>faraway; Yes, I admit that sounded a little dumb. Christmas letter!!!Isn't that great! It's just that many of us have become acquainted online here and it's interesting and even valuable to hear about problems and things that come up during that freshman year. For example, if someone had told me those quad dorms rooms are not all that great. They are TOO SMALL for the 4.I may have questioned the situation sooner.It would not have changed son's decision for a quad but even he did not know how small the living space was.Oftentimes we develop these ideas in our head which are not really reality bound.</p>
<p>The University of Chicago really is the academic challenge it is reputed to be. My S rarely gets to bed before 2 or 3 AM (yes studying), yet he has made many friends, has an active and fun social life and is a member of a university martial arts club. </p>
<p>The University has a real emphasis on analysis, discussion, and argument. It permeates the school and the student body. One must be prepared, and have had good preparation. For example, in my son's Greek Thought & Literature course the professor asked how many students had previously had read the Illiad, all raised their hands. Likewise in physics, the prof asked how many had had at least an introduction to some advanced concept, all but one raised their hands.</p>
<p>The university house system is very supportive. Each house consists of about 80 students. They have reserved tables in the dinning hall, do many activities together, and provide planned study breaks. A couple of Sundays ago, for example, the house provided root beer floats for all the students during the house study break (at 11 PM to 12 M). </p>
<p>There are many oncampus activities, including music, movies, lots of parties, and just hanging out. The physical education center, which S loves, is brand new and features modern health club equipment, a huge pool, and two full-size gyms. There is also another sports facility where he trains in martial arts, and where dance, (and my personal favorite) circus club, and other clubs practice. There is a full intramural sports program open to everyone. S plays IM flag football (A game every Sunday fall quarter). S has also made great use of the City of Chicago. He has been to plays, the Chicago Symphony, eaten at a variety of restaurants, hung out on the lake front, attended concerts, and explored Michigan Avenue shopping and the north side of town. He likes Hyde Park (where the University is located), and gets around on the university bus system quite easily.</p>
<p>He loves his dorm and has readily made friends. He has also made friends with students from other dorms, including 2nd and 3rd year students. He has found many students to be fun and out going. There is also a UChicago sense of humor that he has learned fully embrace.</p>
<p>So far, and who knows what the future will bring, he loves it. He is a far better student at Chicago than he ever was in high school. And best of all, he has called me to talk about his life far more than he ever did in high school!</p>
<p>
[quote]
Its interesting to compare the upbeat (mostly) tone of this parent thread to the entries students are writing in the College Life threads..there's alot of homesick,not adjusting well threads over there.Is it a parent vs student perspective? Is it a self selected group who are responding in each case?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I guess that is maybe an explanation of why I have hesitated to post here--even though I have LOVED hearing about everyone's children (they all feel like part of a family!) and have made a mental list of colleges to check out, based upon the great things that everyone has written about the different ones! I also commiserate with any who are worrying, because I am doing the same about my twins and they are right here under my nose!</p>
<p>The truth is, that I want to believe, and from all indications can believe, that son is doing great and that Stanford is the perfect fit for him--and a wonderfully caring place, from the admittedly limited personal contacts I have had with people on the campus. </p>
<p>But, I'm sure that I am not privy to the ups and downs, the minor and major joys and frustrations, that now form his life. I do have my ways of getting snippets of details here and there through the grapevine ;), but I really don't know much, and he is one who quietly bears the hardships and modestly shrugs off the successes (without telling ma or pa too much). I told someone the other day that "he tells us what he thinks we need to know, and he doesn't think we need to know much!"</p>
<p>He said something a few days ago, though, about how good it felt to be back in "his world" (I don't remember the exact words, but it was said in an endearing way) after Thanksgiving vacation. That he now has his own world apart from us doesn't make me sad; it makes me incredibly at peace, that the first chapter of his life as an adult is one where he feels comfortable, challenged, inspired, and where the doors to all kinds of adventure seem wide open. Who could ask for more?</p>
<p>I do sometimes think that we as parents may inadvertently put pressure on our kids when we tell them "college is the best time of your life" or something like that. I know I've said things like that...and I now realize that if a kid feels things aren't always that wonderful, the let down may be even greater or they might feel that there's something wrong with themselves. I remember my son admitting, after just a couple of days after we first dropped him off, that while he was surrounded by nice people, he didn't really feel connected. Then he quickly covered over his statement by saying.."don't think I'm not happy...I really am". I realized then that he felt he needed to reassure us. I immediately told him that we didn't expect him to be happy all the time, and that we wanted to hear about his experience, good, bad, or indifferent.<br>
Regardless, he does seem to be doing really well, but I do think he's the kind of kid who would edit out the difficulties unless things were really tough (unlike my daughter, who is more revealing). But I think I can tell a lot from his tone...at least I hope I can, and I am being more mindful of letting him know no college experience is without its ups and downs.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I'll vote along with those who'd rather this thread would stick with helping out parents/students with rocky starts, instead of turning into a Christmas letter.
[/quote]
This thread asks the question, "How is it going for your freshman?" So I think it's fair for parents who perceive that their child is happy and well adjusted to their college to share that information with others. Since we don't know one another, it's not the same as a Christmas letter, and I hope we are open to hearing the good as well as the bad. I'm happy to hear about the enjoyment that some youngster are experiencing, and I sympathize with those who are a little slower to make the adjustment or who question their choice. As the parent of a "Happy Camper", I'm just enjoying being on the good news side of things, which has not always been the case. Our lives have not been without dark moments, so I've learned to just enjoy the happy times. I'm sure something else will cloud our honeymoon at some point in time.</p>
<p>CC is at its best, we are at our collective best when we can sympathize with eachother's difficulties and smile at eachother's small or large triumphs. So yes, bring on the good and the bad.</p>
<p>We're also at our best having fierce arguments about politics but personally those threads scare the bejeezus out of me. Phew!</p>
<p>I was one of the first Happy Camper posters but that child is a stiff on the phone and therefore cannot call home to discuss the bumps in the road and things that might scare or worry him. It is freeing but I am a little jealous of those parents whose children use cells to check in often. So I don't get the mild anxiety calls or the problem of the day calls. Instead, I realized Parents Weekend, he has found people his age to talk to about problems and worries. The kids I met seemed goal oriented and practical and largely upbeat...and I realized any one of them could offer support and advice, so this means...I have been replaced by his peers. I haven't looked it up in my dusty Brazelton yet, but I believe the timeline would indicate this is OK. I am a bit bereft but also pleased. I do wish he was a phone person, but have to settle for once a week and he does make an effort to be forthcoming on the phone then. What I saw at Parents Weekend was akin to joy, but the standards at his college are very high and most of the students have stronger HS educations than he did so he is struggling some academically. But I did see intellectual engagement which does not always equate to performance but is a prerequisite!
Anyway, I have enjoyed the way this thread moved from crowing to more nuance about the realities of college life. These are complex years.</p>
<p>idad,
so glad to hear your S is loving Chicago! That was the school we agonized over because it seemed such a good fit for S. It was the school I thought would fit him best and I think I really did fall in love with it when we visited last year. The money issue (no merit or need-based aid, few classes to transfer over) was the clincher and he chose Cal, but I still am w-i-s-t-f-u-l over it. The way you describe your S's experience there so far makes me wish my S could have that as well. Berkeley has exceeded my expectations for him and he is very happy, but some of the strengths of Chicago (argument-oriented, close houses, quirky sense of humor) just won't be happening for him at Cal.</p>
<p>I also wanted to thank idad for a Chicago report that is not commonly addressed on these pages as often as the cultural reports of other great colleges. It's "too serious" reputation sometimes is a dampening factor for interested families, and it is hard to know what to believe if you live far away. It was great to get a balanced report from an actual student, and we will keep this upbeat report in mind for S2.</p>
<p>SOMEMOM - I would like to reassure many parents of first years, if you have a kid who calls you when in crisis, they may very well rebound quite quickly and forget to let you know they are okay again!!</p>
<p>How true - mine just did it to me this week. I fretted and worried. She promptly got over whatever it was that was bothering her and went on with her week.</p>
<p>I guess paybacks are hell - since my mom said my sisters and I (4 of us) use to do the same to her!</p>
<p>College is a big adjustment and definitely has ups and downs. My son expected college to be hard, so he wasn't totally surprised when he struggled in German and found himself frequently up until 2 a.m. getting homework done. He did get caught up in some of the distractions of college life--partying, for example--for awhile and worried his mother a bit. But I know my son and have faith is his ability to make it through. (And the partying didn't last long, thank goodness!)</p>
<p>I do love modern technology. While he makes a weekly phone call to really talk, I also enjoy the occasional text message or IM, often something to the effect of "I got a D on my German test." or "Our concert went well." A little bit of the daily ups and downs to help me keep in touch with "his new world," as someone aptly put it. And then the brief phone calls to ask if he can use my credit card # to order something online... Nice to know I'm still needed!</p>
<p>
[quote]
I do sometimes think that we as parents may inadvertently put pressure on our kids when we tell them "college is the best time of your life" or something like that
[/quote]
.
Donemem-
I see this a little differently. I don't think we pressure (overtly or covertly) our kids to tell us only what we want to hear. I think our kids may now turn to different folks if they have an issue to deal with, or have something that is bothering them. I think my s's roommates or gf are more likely to hear about troublesome issues than is good ol' mom. DS may "screen" me from some of the day-to-day stuff he deals with because (1) he doesn't want me to worry and (2) he doesn't want me to go into "problem-solving" mode, or to suggest ways to handle the issue, especially if he feels he's got a handle on it. He has gotten very adept at delicately bringing up something if it is not entirely positive so that I don't accidentally slip back in to "nag" mode. (I try to reserve that for younger s.!) I would be more concerned if I thought my s. felt he had to candy-coat everything. I can look back and sort-of laugh at the fact that my s's bike was stolen the second day he was at school last year. It certainly wasn't funny, but it was just an issue that had to be dealt with, and he handled it. One of life's lessons, I suppose. I truly feel if and when he needs our help with a problem or issue, he will ask. And when I would find out about something that I thought was important, he either responded with "oh- didn't I tell you about that?" or it just wasn't as big an issue to him as it was to me. Because I am no longer part of his day-to-day existence, I don't hear all the day-to-day things that occur. We as parents need not to project our issues or feelings onto our kids. Something that bothers us may just roll off their backs.</p>
<p>jym626: I think you make some very good points--we are not hearing about every challenge our kids face because they are becoming more independent...a really good thing (just sometimes hard to adjust to). But, if they've been always told how super great and special those undergrad years are (I plead guilty on this), and then things get rough, I wonder if they may feel like "what's wrong with me...if this is supposed to be the best time of my life, I'm in trouble" kind of thing. In fact, one of my friends said her daughter actually verbalized this to her. So, when I heard this, I just decided to tone down my "college is so terrific" stuff a notch, knowing that these years are also filled with significant pressures and challenges.</p>
<p>I think the scary thing is when some of the students feel like they have to tell their parents that everything is fine, and it's not. Like one of the young women that MIT is being sued over, where virtually everyone she was in contact with in her dorm seemed to know that she was severely depressed, and her parents did not know. Any tips on how to elicit both good and not so good news/feelings from sons and daughters? Mine seem pretty open with me, although I can see how any college student may cover-up, especially if they are told that these are supposed to be the best days of their lives!</p>
<p>Donemom - You've made some great points about the pressure kids may feel to live up to our expectations of their college experiences. I also think that our kids are aware of how much money we are spending on their educations, which can put additional pressure on. How can you say, "This professor is so boring and I can't even drag myself to class anymore", when you know that Mom and Dad shelled out $14000 for this semester's tuition? We have to make it safe for our kids to tell us the negative as well as the positive - the disappointing, the exhilarating, the frustrating - as much as they wish to share...</p>
<p>Anxiousmom - so true, I really didn't even think of how the financial sacrifices of parents can really play into this dynamic. I think the best thing to do once we recognize the potential for this kind of pressure is to not only really listen and communicate that we're interested in all kinds of news, but to be alert for differences in their "tone" and to then try to draw them out without prying.</p>