How is my essay? I know its a bit early, but I really want this to be flawless.

<p>Okay so I'm doing the first personal statement for UC. Ok so here is the prompt</p>

<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>And this is my essay</p>

<p>In my eyes the world I come from is one that does not accept failure. It is one that is filled with stress and anxiety. It is one that is filled with a myriad of obstacles and complications that constantly throw problems in my face; however, in every tragic world there is always something good that comes out of it.
Throughout most of high school, I hated life. I hated waking up early in the morning and heading off to school. Then the torture continued with plenty of lifeless lectures that taught me of material that I had absolutely no interest in learning. I had aimed my reticule on a computer science major just because my father was a computer engineer who had also majored in that field. I understood that my parents worked hard for my sister and me. However, I could not understand my purpose. I treated volunteering as a checklist for college. I could not understand why I had to work so hard to go to college just so I can work hard to get a job, and then work hard for the rest of my life.
What has all this pain and suffering made me become? It has made me a better person. All the chores that my parents assigned me have transformed me into a responsible family member. All the pains of school have given me abilities in thought process and mental strength. It has grown a curiosity tick in my head. All the swimming and running has made me appreciate nature and not video games. All those tedious hours of volunteering have taught me that a helping hand can mean a lot. All the pointless hours of mind bending computer science has taught me that I don’t want to be a computer engineer. It is a tough and gruesome world I live in, but it is also an awesome world.
From the plethora of obstacles in my life, I have emerged as a student who actually has a goal in life. My world had pushed me to face the tsunami of confusion that was my goal in life. Previously I was headed towards a career and life revolving around computers, but the world has pushed me out of that fate and set me on a new one. From all the not so impressive grades in Calculus and dissatisfaction in programming, my world has presented me with a new goal as a nurse. An occupation as a nurse could perfectly fit all the pieces of my world. From my experiences, a computer engineer is too bland and a doctor contains too much gore for me to handle.<br>
From 17 years of experience in my world, I have been shaped into an individual who appreciates the tough parts in life. I have seen what I really want to be. I realize that it is the tough parts of life that are worth the most, because they are the ones that I learn from and turn into better person. </p>

<p>I think I go a bit off topic at the end. I don't know, I'm really confused right now. Please help if you have the time.</p>

<p>Please review the guidelines in the Essay help section regarding posting essays. You have now basically let the world access this with justa google search. If anyone liked a portion, they can now use it for themselves. Better to solicit help then send it to them.</p>

<p>Wow. Never thought of it that way. Thanks a lot.</p>

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<p>@OP</p>

<p>Send an email to the moderators to have your original post edited/deleted.</p>

<p>Amazing how little common sense remains in the world today.</p>

<p>Maybe you should request the moderators to delete this thread? Click on “report problem post” and explain the situation</p>

<p>who would even want to copy this essay lol its not even that great— generic at best</p>

<p>^^ was that necessary?</p>

<p>Agree. I wouldn’t worry about anybody stealing this essay.<br>
Way too many vague generalizations thrown out without any development. Could you get more cliched than “A helping hand can mean a lot?” Plus you’ve got some words in there that sound like you
trolled the dictionary to find them. </p>

<p>You want to be a nurse because you don’t want to be a doctor or a computer programmer? Not a very well thought out answer. Think about the journey that led you to nursing and tell that story.</p>

<p>I will phrase this better than the above posters:
Your essay is well-constructed, but pretty general. It tells little about you and why you want to do what you want to do. The part about chores, hating school, and volunteering applies to pretty much all high schoolers. In addition, you just put your essay in serious danger by allowing pretty much anyone with an internet connection to grab it. Next time post a request in the Essay forum for a legitimate poster to read it (does not only post in Essay forum, more than x days/months old).</p>

<p>Also, I don’t think you want to tell them you volunteered just for college.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot. So much stuff I would never have thought of</p>

<p>Sent from my DROIDX using CC App</p>