How Is My Intro? Please Rate~

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>this is my intro for essay #3 for UC's...</p>

<p>Physical appearances are an entity of our culture today. On an aesthetic spectrum, society is constantly scrutinizing both the conservative left and the radical right. One end there is the thin and the beautiful, whom we adulate because of their ‘nearly-perfect’ appearances, yet at the same time attack for their eating-disorders and cosmetic surgery. Swing over to the other end and you will see a handful of those who live by the motto: “Beauty comes from within”. But look towards the center and you’ll find me: a pudgy Asian who was diagnosed with a skin disease and still believes she is beautiful.</p>

<p>i plan on finishing by writing about how i was diagnosed and what i had to go through.. please rate!!!</p>

2

<p>it goes from a broad subject to a narrow one too fast, you don't tie in the first part with the last sentence very well</p>

<p>maybe a 6-6.3/10</p>

3

<p>"conservative left" - Conservatives are traditionally on the Right of the political spectrum. ;)</p>

4

<p>I agree with Celebrian on that one.</p>

5

<p>well if you're gonna write on something personal like a disease that affected you, i'd advise you to keep the style simple and straight-forward. Some sentences seem a bit overdone.
Also: "One end there ARE the thin and the beautiful, whom we adulate because of their ‘nearly-perfect’ appearances,"</p>

6

<p>Periods go inside quotation marks ALWAYS, no exceptions.</p>

7

<p>I would cut the broad info and begin with yourself... you have a solid topic and you don't need to cloud it</p>

8

<p>It is not a good idea to start essays with broad sweeping generalizations, where we lecture the reader on what they think. </p>

<p>Physical appearances are an entity of our culture today.</p>

<p>This kind of thing can 'get you going' into your personal subject, but you don't have room in a short essay for this. You can't write an essay one paragraph at a time. Let it all come out, then edit out the broad lecturing stuff after.</p>

<p>Also, I think you are misuing the word "entity".</p>

9

<p>Is your skin disease SARS?</p>

10

<p>Just some grammar issues. </p>

<p>You might want to say: "Physical appearances comprise an entity of today's culture." (that way you avoid subject-verb-object disagreement). Another subject-verb-object disagreement issue when you say: "On one end there is the thin and the beautiful, whom we adulate because of their..."--you start out with a singular subject and end with a plural object. Also, when you say "'Beauty comes from within'", make sure you put the period mark inside the quote (major grammar faux-pas). Oh, and when you use a colon before "pudgy," you need to capitalize "pudgy."</p>

<p>One other thing--if you're generalizing society so sweepingly, why "handful" as word choice? If you're making such a broad generalization, you should make the word broaders as well.</p>

<p>Sorry, I'm a grammar queen--I couldn't resist. The essay itself sounds like it will be pretty good though. Fine tuning is cake.</p>

11

<p>thanks but i think imma trash this essay~</p>

12

<p>"Is your skin disease SARS?" lol</p>

<p>:In your essay, you sound spiteful.</p>

13

<p>yeah, i dont like the topic....sadly, appearance IS a big part of our culture and you seem like youre giving off a bad impression about your own</p>

14

<p>listen...</p>

<p>i dont know why all you guys want to start off your essays with these elaborate images and wordy language. colleges get bored with that stuff. just be real...be YOU. writing like you would an AP english essay is not going to get you into college...sorry</p>

15

<p>not really getreal. what you need is a balance between your essays: some should be simple and blunt, some funny and others slightly more complex. It all depends on what your trying to convey. You can't express a complicated feeling with the vocabulary of a 10 year old. And you shouldn't write like shakespeare if your topic is a childhood experience.</p>

16

<p>but you do have a point concerning the intro. An intro should capture your attention, which means it has to be easily understandable</p>

17

<p>get rid of adulate. now.</p>

18

<p>I second that, BLH.</p>

<p>I would also like to add that it seems like you tried too hard to impress the reader that you know a lot of vocabulary. I would say, first, work on your grammar, which, to me (and probably 99% of other readers), means a whole hell of a lot more than an impressive vocabulary. What good is using big words if the reader has to grab a dictionary? The reader is going to say, "Screw this!" and pick up the next application, meanwhile, rejecting yours.</p>

<p>Admissions counselors have too many applications to review to be farting around with your incoherent essay. Grammar comes first, then you get to use the privilege of using an expanded vocabulary--and even then, do NOT overdo it. It's like driving a car, you need the license first to legally be able to drive.</p>

<p>While I'm at it, your sentences need to be more solid, too. You have a bunch of mistakes in there that make it difficult to read. For example (one that nobody mentioned):</p>

<p>"One end there is the thin and the beautiful..."</p>

<p>You should say "On one end..." or something similar. Using the words "on one end / on the other end" are a little rough (to me anyway), phrases such as "on one hand / on one side" tend to flow a little better since they are more commonly used.</p>

<p>I must also mention that those phrases may be too played out and may bore the reader, so try to word the thing to be more catchy.</p>

<p>Don't forget to change the "is" to "are" in that same sentence (this was already mentioned, but that type of grammar screw up just kills me).</p>

<p>Heh, maybe my Composition Skills course I'm taking is rubbing off onto me a little.</p>

19

<p>hey can i post the beginning of my personal statement here?..</p>

20

<p>yah the essay just looks boring</p>