<p>PS- I’m sorry for the negativity and I really should stop posting in this thread, because we are rapidly losing hope and this is not the place for that. Thank you for your great ideas; we’ve tried them all and nothing has worked. Thank you even more for your concern and support; it is felt and greatly appreciated. I guess it’s hard to accept that this is in D’s hands alone now; only she can decide to make it work, and she has decided not to. </p>
<p>Congratulations to all of you whose kids are making the transition. Have a great 4 years!</p>
<p>I’m feeling much better tonight. S called and talked for about an hour. During the conversation he gave me a list of things he needed. Most were food items he seems to be missing.</p>
<p>He seemed really good and is planning on going to the football game tomorrow.</p>
<p>LasMa, please don’t lose hope yet! It’s still early and I know plenty of kids who did not “settle in” and find their core group til very late in their first semester/year at school. If she likes her classes, that’s at least something. Try to stay positive and encourage her to do the same. Sometimes it seems like they just have to let things gel at their own pace. </p>
<p>Last year my neice went to a private LAC and was miserable first semester. Hated her roommate, liked some classes, no great friends although she had some acquaintances there. We were so afraid she’d decide to move home but she ended up happy and rarely came home at all second semester. </p>
<p>Don’t throw in the towel right along with her. I would suggest she seek out seeing an on-campus counselor - even if it’s to talk about transferring. I honestly think you need to let her deal a little bit more with her local resources. You’re trying to help her lift up her chin and well, it aint working. So… while probably horribly difficult, I wold point her in the direction of the help on her campus.</p>
<p>Regarding dropping out or leaving and regrets. In D’s case, she so bombed academically that it was a completely wasted year except for one class that I don’t believe ever transferred. So basically she is starting college again at almost 25 with about a semester’s worth of classes accrued over three different false starts. But the best thing she did was truly walk away for awhile. She really needed to want it for herself and not because it’s the thing to do OR that she’d be the only non-college graduate in our family since before my great grandmother attended Wellesley. Now that she has her own dream, she sees how smart she really is (something I had been telling her for years and years and years).</p>
<p>LasMa-- Your daughte is comparing how she is feeling on the inside with what is going on with the other kids on the outside. They are all uncomfortable, but adjusting. </p>
<p>Around here almost everyone goes away to college. It’s just a big part of the culture. Then, a whole bunch of kids, many of whom were extremely happy at home, come back and finish college around here. </p>
<p>Also, a lot of the kids who are seemingly adjusting very well may just be partying very hard and not “invited” back. (This happens, too.)</p>
<p>Even though I didn’t think so at the time, even though it killed me to watch her suffer, the best thing that happened for D were some bumps in the road in HS. She may not even be having a ‘better’ time of it than your D, but her expectations are just not as high. So, she says she is happy. But she was unhappy for a good two years in H.S.</p>
<p>Everyone is going to be disappointed in life. It’s just true. I’m very, very sorry your daughter is experiencing so much unhappiness, now. One of my older friends always used to tell me you wish your kids would get thier pain doses in small enoug amounts to make them immune to the arsenic but not in big enough amounts to kill them.</p>
<p>Of course, if it were up to me, I would have protected my kids so much they never would have been able to live in the world. So, I really do know how sad you must feel. In the end, though, I think it will all work itself out. Good luck.</p>
<p>LasMa - I don’t really have any words of advice. I know lots of us are going through this just to different degrees. As a mother I know that many things are harder on us than our children. I don’t know what is right for your D but do know that many of us are thinking about you and your D and sending good thoughts.</p>
<p>LasMa, as odd as it may seem to your daughter, quite a lot of people don’t have friends a month into college.</p>
<p>It can take time. In my experience, the only kids who seem to have friends that early are those who happen to “click” with their immediate dorm neighbors. But quite a lot of students aren’t that lucky. For those who have to seek their friends elsewhere, it can take months to find people with whom they are compatible. This is unpleasant, but I think it’s normal.</p>
<p>An important question for your daughter is whether she will be happier, socially, if she comes home and attends the local community college. Because the community college is nonresidential, it may be even harder to make friends there than it is at her current college. This may not matter if a lot of the friends that she already has at home are living with their parents and either commuting to college or working. But if most of her high school friends have gone away to college, she might find that living at home is a very lonely situation.</p>
<p>The other night was parent night at the school. Ds history teacher is so amazing. He taught at the school for 39 years and then thought he had retired until 9/11 hit. And he missed the kids so much he took to substituting. Now he has two classes he teaches. Anyway… he gave us some great advice about the sophomore year. Well… actually he told a story. He has three grown children and his granddaughter is in 9/10th grade. She wasnt on a canoe trip this summer and he gave her a moleskin journal so she could write all about the trip so that he might get to share in the experience when she came back. It was three weeks. the first week was horrible, bugs, food horrible, ran etc. It was a complain and moan fest. Then he noted it started to pick up a little bit here and a little bit there. Then one day she wrote just how beautiful the scenery was and by george, I think I got it! In huge caps she wrote: I can do anything! He said had he been there he would have scooped her up and taken her to the nearest Mcdonalds back at week one. But then she might never know what she could do on her own. He advised us to look at this year as a canoe trip and trust him to call us if there was the risk of potential drowning. So that’s what I am going to try to do.</p>
<p>Just a note to give some of the “drop out” parents hope. My husband dropped out of college after a year, and spent a year sleeping late, partying and mooching at his parent’s house - then moved to a derelict hovel in another city to share a room with an old college friend and work at a natural food store. Met me - a cashier. Went to CC. transferred to state flagship. married me. lived in happy poverty. had baby - lived on combined salary of minimum wage in house with roommates, etc… Graduated college. We went to grad school together, moved into married student housing. had another baby. quit natural food store. got a real job - with two little kids already. My mom claims she wasn’t worried that I was pregnant and living on $4.50 an hour… Lots of different roads to success - husband and I own our own house in lovely area and have secure solid jobs that we enjoy, and are comfortable financially and almost done putting our two kids through private university. It’s not a death nell to drop out for awhile then attend community college!</p>
<p>Twoparent: Check this out… send it to D, have her print it out and while a face to face interaction usually works best, worst case scenario she can casually leave it laying around? Sometimes life is weirdly timely!</p>
<p>I dropped out of college the first year too. Had parents who went to Ivy League schools (Harvard, Wellesley) but time and circumstance sent me to a large public university where I felt lost and intimidated. Returned to same school years later after various jobs, worked full-time at the university so the tuition was free, went to class part time, had my own apartment, and completed a BA at 27 and later, while maintaining a career and raising a family, an MA at 40. The main thing I experienced when I went back to college? Sheer gratitude for learning. The younger people in my classes whose parents were footing the bill, weren’t nearly as grateful as I was to be sitting in a classroom instead of waiting on customers.
I worked in admissions at the same university for several years and I can say this: Sometimes the school isn’t a good fit, for whatever reason: time, place, socially, academically. It’s ok to acknowledge that. The future is still wide open.</p>
<p>Put this in another thread, but probably belongs here:</p>
<p>ShawbridgeSon came last night and we’ll drive him back tonight. He’s doing an art assignment in his mother’s studio right now. Looks and sounds terrific. It still is surprising how big he is (6’4" plus 2 to 3 inches of curls on top and proportional shoulders). It is funny to see his mother hug him as she’s almost a foot shorter (not including the curls). He’s absolutely enthused by his new Debate Team just like he was with Moot Court in high school. As usual, he wants my help in working out an argument he is trying to make [good thing I’m good at this].</p>
<p>We’ve switched away from red meat after he left but ShawbridgeMom is defrosting steaks for dinner. [Well, we’re having salmon but he’s getting steak].</p>
<p>Adding to that,</p>
<p>He is clear that he hasn’t yet made close friends, but it takes him a while to do so. He says he’s not staying home on weekend nights but has come to realize that the kids in his dorm are not likely his best bet. Apparently, he’s in the nicest freshman dorm in the school (it is magnificent) and he thinks the coaches get their players in there (when he moved in, 3 guys who were significantly taller and broader than he is walked by and I said, “there’s the basketball team” and it turns out the these three 6’8" guys were among the recruits, his roommate is a hockey player and there are a bunch of them in the dorm also – he thinks that he is below the average height on his floor, which probably is not true). He has nothing against athletes and gets along well with his roommate but he thinks that they are typically not as animated by intellectual things as he is. [By the way, I’m not starting an athlete v. non-athlete criticism forum here, just reporting his perceptions.]</p>
<p>The college seems to do everything via email and checking 3 times a day isn’t enough, so I think I’m going to get him a Blackberry.</p>
<p>I agree that son having an iphone is pretty great stuff. He gets all his emails (and with S’s schools alot of information is sent via email and students are absolutely responsible for knowing the information sent).</p>
<p>Won’t comment on the “not as animated by intellectual things” except to say, I think it often depends on the context of the conversation and that some of these things come organically in the moment. Let’s face it, it’s not often that one starts off a conversation with, “let’s get animated while delving into the intellectual!” :)</p>
<p>His expectations:
He did not think it would be as much work as it is</p>
<p>His work practices:
He is learning to work hard so he can continue going to his school</p>
<p>His plans:
He may decide to major in something other than he thought he would</p>
<p>That said, S seems to be doing pretty well, says he still likes his school choice, says he plays, as well as works, and, surprisingly, wants to come home and visit earlier than he thought he would. As an <em>only</em> he has also had to adjust to living in close proximity with other kids.</p>
<p>College is such an incredible time of one’s life, in spite of (and maybe because of) these adjustments. We are grateful he is getting to experience it.</p>
<p>I don’t know, that could come across as [passive</a> aggressive.](<a href=“http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/]passive”>http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/) How about positive reinforcement? On nights when the roomie’s boyfriend doesn’t stay late (or isn’t around), she could thank roomie for considerately “sending him home” (even if she didn’t) at such-and-such a time because “I was really exhausted.” It’s a tricky situation, too bad roomie isn’t abiding by the contract!</p>
<p>My daughter is also a freshman and was so excited about going away to school. It seemed during the first couple of weeks she was making alot of friends and there was a flurry of activity going on. She’s the kind of kid who always wants a close friend, but somehow things don’t work out the way she’d hoped and she feels alienated and like a loser. It doesn’t help that she and her roommate have not clicked and the roommate has befriended alot of the same people, so she gets excluded when the roommate is with the group. She’s lamenting that it is just like high school, all over again. Plus, alot of students leave on the weekend, and she is 6 hours from home, so she can’t come home every weekend.</p>
<p>We’ve being doing all the positive parenting we can from a distance: listening, sending care packages with treats to share, sending words of encouragement that freshman year is full of adjustments and the people she meets now my not be her friends in a few year; how most of my friends that she has met I didn’t even know as a freshman. It sitll doesn’t soften the sting. She did go to the counseling center and the counselor basicially told her the same thing everyone else has: join clubs and activities, get out of your room, do things, even if you have to do it alone.</p>
<p>It is breaking my heart. She called this morning in tears-she was to go on a trip to NYC with a friend, and overslept and missed her ride. I have to tell myself it is one of the life lessons that she won’t forget, and am as strong and supportive as I can be, but when i hang up the phone, I just lose it. Any suggestions on helping her cope (and me cope also?)</p>
<p>To baknmom - {{{{Hugs}}}}. It sounds like you’re doing all you can. It’s good that she went to the counselor - horrible that she missed her ride. (However, not a great day to visit NYC anyway.) Keep encouraging her to get out of her room. Go to the student life link for the college and help her join a club - just one for now. Do it before it’s “too late in the year.” She needs another connection.</p>
<p>baknmom- I sympathize very much. It sounds like you are saying all the right things. My D has had a few of those kinds of situations as well. I’ve found that it works sometimes to minimize things a bit. When My D overslept and missed a shopping trip into the city with a bunch of girls she hoped to be friends with (and cried about it) I said that there would certainly be another opportunity, and what other options did she have for the day? Not being heartless, but not “going there” with her either, into the upset. It reminds me of when she was small and the best stretegy for upsets was to listen but then turn the focus toward something more positive. She’s also really hoping for a close friend, but when I point out that she’s only been there a few weeks and that real friendships take time, it seems to help her see things in context. After all, what other change in ther lives has been as complete and drastic as this one? When I acknolwedge that, it seems to help her feel less bad for not immediately adjusting and having it all work out perfectly. The roommate thing may change as well: my D’s roommate went from ignoring and ditching her to tagging along too much! </p>
<p>On another note: My D called this morning to say her BF from high school broke up with her last night. I knew it had to end (3,000 miles apart is too much to ask of 18 year-olds, IMO). But it was very hard to hear how upset she is. Busy class day today, so that will hopefully distract her. Oh, that first hearbreak! :(</p>
<p>baknmom, I wonder if your daughter might try something additional. I’m sure she’s a great kid, so the problem does not lie with who she is, but it is possible that it could like with her social skills and strategies. What I’m thinking about (naively as I am not a psychologist) are things like how she makes contact, talks to people, develops relationships and/or the attitudes she has in her head (“people won’t like me” or something). I wonder if a cognitive behavioral therapist could help her examine what she’s thinking and try new (and perhaps more effective) social skills/strategies. </p>
<p>I’m sure that just joining clubs etc. will eventually do the trick, but my suggestion would probably a) empower her; b) take the sting out of a rejection because she’s trying a technique; and c) teach her some useful skills and thus make the intervening period better. I’ve seen this kind of thing work incredibly well.</p>
<p>I dropped ShawbridgeSon off last night after he worked at our house yesterday. He too likes making a small number of deep friendships. So far, he said, he hasn’t found the right kids. But, he said, it is just like the beginning of HS. You just put yourself out there. He mentioned a kid in one of his classes who seems quite interesting but he’s in another dorm and has a group of friends there of whom my son is less enamored. My son has called him a few times but he doesn’t reciprocate, so my son will look elsewhere. He’s aware that finding the gems will take time (and he’s a really cerebral kid who would prefer to debate whether the UN is a failure by analyzing three theories of international relations or whether the Supreme Court incorrectly decided Roe v. Wade by creating a fictitious right to privacy in Griswold or playing Diplomacy rather than going to an alcohol-laced dance party).</p>
<p>What was good in the adjustment meter was that when I dropped him off, we walked past about 6 or 8 kids sitting in a common area outside his room. He waved to a girl who waved back. A guy said, “ShawbridgeSon, I haven’t seen you in forever.” All the kids said hello. The girl asked if he’d been home and he said he’d been at a debate tournament in Boston and then spend yesterday at home. They asked about the debate tournament. So, lots of friendly social contact. Friendly, but not friends. He says he doesn’t stay in the dorm on social evenings and has stuff to do. Is not enthused about it but just accepts that that is how things start.</p>
<p>I’m sure you’ve talked with her baknmom with these (realistic) messages, so I wonder if a proactive step might help.</p>
<p>At the risk of offending anyone with different sensibilities, I also have to add to my reponse to baknmom, who asked how she can cope with her own feelings: beyond all the guidance and support I try to give my daughter, I rely on the spiritual practice of “turning it over”. which means I entrust my D to a higher power to look after her (and me). This helps me to let go of some of my anxiety that I have to somehow fix my D’s unhappiness, which, beyond a certain point, is not in my power to fix. For some people this will translate as praying. For others, as practicing the 12 Steps. Or, as holding both myself and my D in an image and feeling of compassion. And for some, as total nonsense, I suppose :). Seriously though, for me, it works: it reminds me that all shall be well in the larger sense, that I have done my best as a parent and can now do best by offering my daughter love and myself, care and kindness. After all the encouragement, suggestions, advice, patience, and care packages, what I have left do to is trust that both she and I are going to be fine. As will you and your daughter.</p>
It’s not a death nell to drop out for awhile then attend community college!</p>
Sometimes life is weirdly timely!</p>