<p>Oceansaway - I completely agree with you. Although for me it is much easier said than followed through with.</p>
<p>shawbridge - I think our sons could be best friends if they were at the same school. It seems the students my son is most friendly with are in a dorm on the other side of campus. He would also rather have a debate on the war in Afghanistan than hang out at the frat houses. One thing for your son is to let him know that not all kids will call him even if they really want to hang out. My son is one of those kids that just waits for someone to call him. He is happy “at home” or out with friends so he doesn’t make the effort. I have tried to convince him that he needs to change this attitude of “they will call me” but he’s a teenager and hasn’t realized that I know more than he does.</p>
<p>To all of you posting on this tread. Thanks. You have taken me from a mom worrying my days away to realizing that this is new to all the kids and lots are feeling the same way.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading this thread with great interest. My son’s been at his school for a little over 4 weeks and keeps telling us he hates “everything about it.” The food is awful, the kids are all “geeks”, the classes are boring. We know he’s exaggerating but we can’t convince him that if he had a better attitude things would be better. Everything we try to suggest to make it better…join clubs, see a counselor, etc., he rejects. We think the real issue is that he misses GF who goes to a school near home but he says no. He insists he wants to transfer as soon as possible, but we’re telling him he has to stay for a year and hoping he gets used to it (or breaks up with the GF!) I’m glad that other kids are adjusting, but it’s helpful to hear that we aren’t alone and other kids are having problems.</p>
<p>Sounds like GF issues to me, based on my own D’s struggles wth missing her BF. How about bargaining with him? Tell him you won’t talk about transferring until he’s given a few things a chance, like joining an EC, meeting with either an advisor or counselor or even someone in ResLife, etc. It also helped to remind my D, who chose a school far away instead of one near her BF- that the only real advantage of the closer school was her BF. Not good enough, I’m afraid, for us, and fortunately, not really for her, either.</p>
<p>D too is adjusting to roommate/suitemates issues. There are 8 girls plus the RA in the suite; 2 girls chose to live together and are best friends; one girl is international and not in the suite much; then there is the “gang of four” and D. Until recently, D had been getting along well with them; now the foursome has decided to live together as a group in party central next year and D is odd man out. There’s just a lot of nitpicking going on and things (noise, late nights) that D is unhappy with, but she doesn’t want to rock the boat to make things even more awkward. She is the only one in the suite who has branched out and actually joined any clubs/organizations or become friendly with people she didn’t know in HS. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that she be able to get uninterrupted sleep. Complicating the situation even further is that they’re all in the same honors program and see each other a lot of the time in class. I’m hoping that she will “click” with some people and form some closer friendships. On the one hand, I don’t want to tell her to stay away from her suite (that’s where she lives) but when she’s there she’s miserable. Someone tell me when it gets easier to be a parent!</p>
<p>Your D is doing the right thing by branching out. She should count her blessings that she’s odd man out- those girls sound like they are in for some hard realizations when they find partying gets in the way of good grades. She may also find that over time, those four girls get a bit sick of each other. I’m surprised the RA hasn’t done anythng about the late night noise. Maybe they could hold a meeting and try to get an agreement on a lights-out time? All in all, it’s early days yet, and some of it may get sorted out without your daughter having to do much.</p>
<p>The good thing is that they will have their mini-break soon. D does go out quite a bit as well, but it’s more along the lines of a movie night during the week, or a club activity, with Fridays being a late night for her. RA seems to think everything is fine and everyone is happy, so I think that the ball is in D’s court to say something about the noise issues within the suite. Thankfully, no 8 a.m. classes, but with suitemates coming in at 3 a.m. during the week it does cause some interruptions.</p>
<p>Nice to see some new members offering support and encouragement!</p>
<p>Nice post, oceansaway, thanks for sharing that!!</p>
<p>Good luck to those w/thoughts of transfer, etc. That’s a big step! Got a possible ‘change of major’ at our house (not literally of course, he’s 900 mi away). Guess we’ll see where that leads.</p>
<p>That they do, woody. Parties evidently begin Thursday night! From talking with D, it appears that she is taking a heavier courseload that the others, but she is trying to complete pre-med requirements. She went out with them to one fraternity party early on and didn’t care much for it so didn’t go again. It seems the others have bonded over their shared love of the Greek party scene (not that there’s anything wrong with that, just not D’s thing).</p>
<p>Hi,
I just want to thank you for the input regarding my post on Sunday. It is good to hear others’ caring and enlightening perspectives. I sent a text to my daughter that night and she texted back that the day didn’t turn out totally horrible; she talked to some friends from home, went to a movie on her own, and connected with the friend she was supposed to go to NYC with and he wasn’t upset with her.</p>
<p>Shawbridge, I really appreciated your input re: the social skills and how she views herself and projects to others. My husband and I had a conversation with her yesterday that prompted us to send her an email for her to start to think about how she reacts to things and perhaps sets up expectations that are too much for people, cause her to be disappointed and may make people back off because they can’t (or don’t want) to invest that much into a friendship at the get-go. I also think that Facebook and texting sometimes lead to problems: all your friends really don’t need to know exactly how you are feeling; I’ve suggested that she keep a journal instead (to which i am then told she will “de-friend” me.) And Oceansaway, I too, am hopeful that we’ve instilled enough coping and social skills for her to make it on her own. It just hurts to hear your child so sad.</p>
<p>I know this shall pass. In some respects, it may be a blessing. I am hoping that she will use the time to focus on her studies instead of being a party girl.</p>
<p>All was going well in the first week of school (good roomie, great dorm, getting the classes he wanted). I have been reading the posts and have been following some of your troubles and have kept my fingers crossed since everything seemed to going smoothly. That is until the fever hit and they told him to presume it was swine flu. Nothing like being 1000 miles away and not being able to help your sick child. But what I found out was that he was more concerned about getting others sick and isolated himself appropriately. The doctor from home phoned in a scrip for Tamiflu as he has more than the usual risk. He made a speedy recovery and hopefully kept his germs to himself. </p>
<p>S1 had gotten mono his freshman year during finals week. He was so horribly sick that we nursed him in a hotel room for a few days. </p>
<p>Coping is an important skill to learn, whether you have to deal with an illness or terribly inconsiderate roommate. I hope they all learn hope to cope with the curveballs that life throws at them.</p>
<p>I know you’re supposed to give kids time to adjust, and we have. But S1 was miserable during his freshman year. Everything was wrong: his roomie made friends everywhere except w/ my son. Roomie had a GF, a sister also there, and family in the area. My son had none of that. He ate alone at every meal. He spent hours in the library or in front of his computer. He slept nearly 23 hours a day some days. He has terrible difficulty with logistics too…the mailroom/the laundry/the class time/the discussion sessions with a TA. He started talking about transfering after his first semester, but my H wanted to wait out the year. </p>
<p>Mistake. Bad became much much worse. He ended the year in a psychic ward—suicidal-- for 2 1/2 weeks, but he’s alive. I know this sounds drastic, and it was. That was 3 years ago. He transferred to a local state school after that. It was a small branch, and quite inferior. Again it was bad (like a commuter school), but at least he was living home.</p>
<p>Finally now, he attends a small LAC nearby. He is now living there and hates to come home. He got a text message while I was with him recently and he turned to me and, with a sparkle in his eyes, said it was a girl he really liked. He looked about 15 years old. He didn’t know how to text back.</p>
<p>For S1, the adjustment took forever. We should have listened to him early on. But now he’s finally comfortable --socially, academically, and emotionally. I think we were so “invested” in getting him into college that we weren’t ready to start all over. We thought we had picked the ‘right’ school. We thought it fit his personality and intelligence and that he just needed time. But we realized he’s better off at a less prestigious so all components could work out. It finally did, but it was a very long difficult journey.</p>
<p>Yes…after high school, life just isn’t mapped out so perfectly as it was before. What percentage of kids who start college even finish? We get in a certain rhythm with our kids when they are in the school system and we assume this is how it will continue. But, after high school, life is just a series of choices and some will work and others will not work. If it doesn’t work? We make a different choice. If it does, we keep going until it is time to make another choice. I think maybe the “mistake” is making too much of an emotional investment in having any one choice be “the right one.” To some extent I really do think this begins when the kids get to college. It is the first time in thier life when they really get the opportunity to ask, “Is this right for me?”</p>
<p>If D was really unhappy somewhere and wanted to go somewhere else, over the course of time (not a month but a little longer), I’d encourage her to listen to her gut instinct and to do what “felt” right to her. What else can we really say as the parents of adults?</p>
<p>Still, my heart goes out to everyone whose child isn’t happy. It’s painful to watch our kids be unhappy and to be powerless to do anything about it but love them. I hope it turns around, one way or the other.</p>
<p>poetgrl- what a great insight that our kids go from a structured, guided path to one that is more wide-open. More choices, more freedom, more room to grow can be exciting, but also scary. I think my D is moving from the anxiety of “the future is wide open” to the excitement of it, slowly but surely. One day at a time. Of course, as an empty-nester, I hope to do the same!</p>
<p>TheAnalyst–thanks for asking! Yes, he said it was fixed (w/no input from mom – good thing, that!). Apparently he stayed up for 24 hrs, then the next day worked out at the gym and finally got a good night’s sleep & woke up at 10 a.m. on a Sunday & has been in the right rhythm ever since. Thankful! How are your two boys doing?</p>
<p>zweebopp–how scary that must have been for your son, you and your family! That’s wonderful that it worked out and he is happy now.</p>
<p>Joylnne, our freshman is happy. He hangs with a large group of kids he already knew from high school, which includes a bunch of upperclassmen he knew from football or through his older brother. About five of them went to the Va Tech/Miami game last week-end where they hooked up with other former high school buddies and had a blast, but he reported being happy to get “home” to Morgantown. So for better or worse, he hasn’t had to face that learning curve of making new friends. He already has his group picked out to share an apartment with off campus next year. He is playing flag football and pick-up basketball, but no other ECs. </p>
<p>He had to go to a play yesterday for an English assignment and said it was “not that bad,” which he considers high praise for a play. However, he also mentioned that he left at Intermission because he thought he got all the material he needed and had other things to do, which sounds about par for the course since he didn’t have a mother holding a gun to his head to stay to the end. His grades are going OK and he hasn’t complained about any of his classes, except for all the group projects in his engineering class. </p>
<p>His emails, which always start out “Yo Mom,” are the highlight of my day and always make me laugh. His older brother is super stressing on the job hunt and starting to get me stressed as well. It’s always something.</p>
<p>OdessaGirl came home last weekend for the first time since leaving for college. Her hometown BF broke up with her while she was home. She is sad and it hurts that this didn’t happen this summer when she was home with people that loved her and her long-time supportive friends. Now she is back at college with “new” friends. But I guess that is the way it was meant to be. She tells me not to worry. I tell her that’s what mothers are for.</p>
<p>I posted previously about how I wished we would hear from D. Well, we heard from her a lot this week as she struggled with her decision to leave the golf team (before their first tournament) for her newly discovered passion - rugby! Life is always interesting with that kid.</p>