<p>2ollegewego - I’m so sorry about your daughter’s experience! Maybe we should all be wary of colleges who advertise that they are so diverse they have a “diversity club”? A lot of colleges will have small literary or political events that are great places to meet people with similar interests. I hope she finds her niche soon!</p>
<p>Sometimes, the fit just isn’t there. As others have mentioned, social life in college is fundamentally important to emotional development & maturity…it’s not just about the classes.</p>
<p>It sounds as if things have improved slightly, which is wonderful news. Perhaps she will find her niche and be one of those students who just had the initial struggles of adjustment.</p>
<p>But in taking a broader, long-term view though, serious consideration of a transfer may turn out to be the best solution. Many students do learn to manage in spite of their discomfort. However, there are SO many options out there, it seems to me if there’s another place that might meet her academic goals AND could be a better fit beyond the classroom, it could be worth it.</p>
<p>There are many kids who really are struggling with simple homesickness or initial adjustment troubles. But in lots of cases, the college wasn’t the best choice. In talking to parents of kids who transferred, MOST were much happier in their new environment, having chosen it with an eye on what they learned they needed in a college.</p>
<p>She still has 3 YEARS after freshman year…that’s a very long time to live with a situation you don’t feel good about.</p>
<p>I am so sorry your D is having such a difficult time at school. </p>
<p>My younger D (now a hs junior) had a similar experience her freshman year of hs - - rigorous course-load, difficulty finding her set of friends. For my D, the solution was to transfer. We looked for a slightly less rigorous school and found program that was not only the right fit academically, but a great match socially. Lightening the work load and freeing up time for socializing made a HUGE difference. The transfer school, though smaller, had many more kindred spirits for D - - perhaps because more of them were also her ability peers. </p>
<p>DH and I very much regret not having considered the transfer alternative earlier. Throughout D’s entire first year we thought is was just a matter of settling in, that she just needed more time than most for the transition and, of course, from time to time things seemed to improve. The improvements, however, were modest and never long-lasting. </p>
<p>Our experience leads me to advise that your family go with its collective gut, but not to be “fooled,” as we were, by a slight improvement in the situation. The transition from hs to college may be bumpy, but it does not turn a confident, vivacious, out-going kid into a wall-flower who is the butt of mean kids’ jokes. As curiouser said, sometimes the fit just isn’t there.</p>
<p>I had been wondering about the black affinity groups. My older D (a soph at a top LAC) won’t join; she just doesn’t see herself has having much in common with the students who form the majority of the black group. I think she’s not giving them a fair shake (she wants to be treated as an indiv, not just a fungible black student, yet that’s how she’s treating them b/c of membership in the affinity group), but it’s her choice.</p>
<p>Good luck, we’re all pulling for you and your D.</p>
<p>I have not read every response thoroughly so please pardon if this is a restatement.</p>
<p>I throw out that this may not be a racial discrimination but rather a drinking/non-drinking discrimination. One of mine had some issues first semester at a similar school because they did not drink and the folks in the dorm were all heavy drinkers. Mine felt isolated and lonely until finding like minded non-drinkers.</p>
<p>Also several years ago there was a thread about a young lady at Yale I believe who really struggled academically. She did well in high school but when she hit college and was surrounded by equally and even brighter kids she struggled and needed help with time management/study skills. If your daughter is studying ALL the time with no time for EC then maybe a visit to the college tutoring center is in order.</p>
<p>2college - I’d like to send you a private message. Pls make space in PM box. Thanks.</p>
<p>OP – I graduated college relatively recently so this isn’t a parent’s opinion, but I used to agree with your daughter in my lack of interest in cultural affinity groups. However, in this situation, I would definitely encourage her to check it out because it could make this yr/semester easier even if she ultimately transfers. I would not frame it as – you’ll meet your best friends in that group because she will likely say that she won’t be friends with people just because they’re the same race.</p>
<p>However, I would point out the fact that there is clearly a racial issue at this school, and joining an affinity group will give her a group of people who are obviously not going to be judging her based on race; emphasize that they don’t have to be lifelong friends but people that she can do the typical college events with at least for a while – dinners, campus events etc. – so she won’t miss out on that aspect of college. Also, emphasize that she doesn’t have to “self select” and only hang out with the kids she meets in that group. Very likely those kids have other ECs they’re involved in and other friends of various races who are more accepting than the people she’s meeting in class/ECs. It would be good to get an idea of what those activities are and meet those friends of friends because that’s how she’ll start to find her place. Finding her place through dorms/classes/or random clubs which don’t want to include her isn’t working so why not give this a try.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your words of support. </p>
<p>I don’t think the school is too hard for daughter. I think part of the problem is they tested and placed her into advanced classes in 2 of her 4 courses. (In another subject, they placed her so high that she could only take 1 class offered by the dept this semester and it didn’t fit in her schedule.) Also, her classes require lots of time: they not only have labs, they have required study sessions, group homework, and evening exams. Most of the science kids spend a lot of time in class and studying-- which is why I think their social activities end up being so important: because the science kids don’t have a lot of spare time. From what I can tell, the kids who are involved in most of the leadership/ RA activities are majoring in humanities. </p>
<p>I’m keeping an eye on her and, to their credit, so is the school. The administration has impressed me with their quick response. </p>
<p>Busyparent, I have asked her about the drinking thing. She doesn’t think it’s a factor and I do. She has said there is a significant amount of drinking at the school. And I do agree that she should join the diversity club-- she is just resisting. Aj725, thank you for giving me a different way of framing this. I am hoping that she will find her niche. And, if she doesn’t, we will look at transferring.</p>
<p>2college: I tried to respond to your PM but could not. The message was that your space/memory was too full to accept anymore PMs. </p>
<p>But thank you for your response to my PM. Much appreciated.</p>
<p>2C – it seems she has a very stressful schedule (advanced classes as a freshman), and so I see why you write that she doesn’t have a lot of time to explore social clubs.</p>
<p>Her primary issue is not the cold shoulders she’s getting… that is a legit issue, but it is only amplified because she is under great stress. I’m questioning the wisdom of her placing into advanced classes as a freshman.. that seems to be at the root of her time constraints. Yet it seems that train has left the station, so at this point all you can really do is be supportive of her and encourage her to tough it out until the semester is over. </p>
<p>THEN, suggest she take a load that is one class short of normal for her 2nd semester. Did here testing into advanced clases gain her any credits toward graduation from the classes she tested out of? If so, that would certainly make a lighter load 2nd semester more sensible. Allow her to have the time to explore her social opportunities.</p>