<p>Hi. I'm a long-time lurker on this site, but I signed up today to ask this question. </p>
<p>I sent a text question to our child in college yesterday and didn't receive an answer. I still had not received an answer this morning, so I started to become worried. I waited until about noon, then called the university because I didn't know who else to call.</p>
<p>Our child was fine but irritated I had placed this call. When I asked how long I should wait until contacting someone, our child said 48 hours. I asked our child for the roommate's number as backup, which is who the college had suggested calling initially, but our child doesn't want me bothering the roommate.</p>
<p>I am not one to call or text daily and do not expect our child to do so. However, I had asked a question and so I expected at least a one-word reply.</p>
<p>My main concern is my child's safety. How would anyone know if a child got abducted from campus or harmed? I bring this up because I found out (after our child was already at the campus) that two students were murdered near the campus a decade ago. I don't want my child to be the third -- and nobody knows our child is missing until days after it has happened. </p>
<p>Have you set any guidelines with your children about replying to messages? Is 48 hours too long to wait to hear back? As far as safety is concerned, Do your children stay out on weekends until 2 a.m. or have you told them that they need to be inside at a certain time? I have to admit that I sometimes stayed out until dawn when I went to college, but I was in a very, very safe area and there was hardly any crime.</p>
<p>I think it is just a matter of respect to respond back quickly, even if you can’t talk at the moment. So I’d expect to hear something within 24 hours, and I do (oldest is away). </p>
<p>As I’ve explained it to my kids, I’m a woman of mature age, but I still let someone know where I’m going. I don’t have to “get my husband’s permission” to do anything, but I let him know so he knows where to start looking if I don’t return. And vice versa. We expect the same from our kids.</p>
<p>I probably wouldn’t have called the university within 2 days, but I’d have been texting more frequently until I heard back.</p>
<p>My kids don’t text back if they are dodging something they know I want them to do. if I really wanted to hear back, I would then phone and leave a message insisting that they call me. And send a text with that same message after a bit (I know voice messages don’t always get heard, but texts are never missed!). In all caps if I were irritated…</p>
<p>I might call the university (actually, I would probably email her roommate first, I know her email address although I have never used it) if this did not bring a response by the next day. But one text not responded to… I would escalate MY communication before calling the college. My kids know better than to ignore escalated communications.</p>
<p>Yes. I texted again this morning and called. I think I need to get a copy of the class schedule because this morning our kid had a four hour class. If I had had the schedule, I wouldn’t have called until this afternoon.</p>
<p>Does your son blow his friends off like that? 48 hours?</p>
<p>I pay for the cell phone. I don’t do that just so my kids can text their friends. They went off to school with the understanding that I expect to hear from them (actual call) at least once per week or I would assume they didn’t need a phone and would turn it off. While we all had a big laugh they knew I would do it. I know my kids answer their friends texts promptly and I expect the same so I would have expected a reply the same day.</p>
<p>Don’t confuse the issue(s). You are entitled to a reply to your text within a few hours (I don’t know how many, but a lot less than 48), especially if you aren’t harassing him with daily texts. Replying to your text has nothing to do with your son’s safety. It has to do with your peace of mind. Staying out late: also a separate issue.</p>
<p>Your college aged kids? Are you serious?!?! :0</p>
<p>If I don’t hear from my adult children after awhile (including indirect measures such as seeing them post on facebook), I send a quick message asking for “proof of life.” That generally gets a quick response since they know I’m not bugging them about anything.</p>
<p>I agree with PSU85MOM…we pay for the phone, so if I send a text it’s important and respectful to reply. A quick answer, even if - “have to reply later” - is expected. I don’t expect my child to let me know what time she gets home each night, but if I text I expect a reply in a timely manner.</p>
<p>acollegestudent - I don’t think getting a class schedule is intrusive at all, unless the college student is paying for eveything him/herself. If I have the class schedule I can avoid trying to make contact during class.</p>
<p>Since I have sons, I am very used to not being contacted or responded to promptly. One is pretty good about responding but the other can sometimes go without contact for close to two weeks. If I get worried, I just go online and check the phone records for the cell phone. I can’t imagine calling the University in this situation.</p>
<p>“acollegestudent - I don’t think getting a class schedule is intrusive at all, unless the college student is paying for eveything him/herself. If I have the class schedule I can avoid trying to make contact during class.”</p>
<p>It’s fine generally, but not if the reason for it is to try to keep track of a person and where they are most of the day. Sure, it will work while you have the power of the purse, but if you are forcing contact and expecting to hear from the student (for no apparent reason, not because you actually need to reach him) every day, expect that they will put an end to that as soon as you are NOT paying for them any more. If that’s what you want to do, it’s certainly up to you.</p>
<p>I’ve got a kid who rarely texts. Or calls. Doesn’t always know where her phone in. I have another who is very prompt. </p>
<p>My take a little different. You asked your child how long you should wait for an answer before you start to worry. The reply was 48 hours. Go with it. HOWEVER, you get to dictate how quickly he replies when you need information. If I’m sitting on a reservation and I need a confirmation, well we all know 48 hours doesn’t cut it. So, you text “Hey, how you doing?” or “Still alive over there?” and 48 hours might be a reasonable time to wait for a response. You text, “Hey, I found a great fare. Can you leave before noon on the 19th?” I think if I didn’t hear back in a couple of hours, I’d be calling. </p>
<p>Tell my college kid to get inside her dorm by a certain time? Seriously, are you kidding?</p>
<p>Easy problem to solve: set the ground rules so everyone knows the expectations. Most kids can text in 24 hours or less (in fact if it gets more than 24 hours it will be lost in a sea of other texts). We also ask for a phone call once a week (best to set up a mutually agreed upon time). </p>
<p>Please do not set curfew limits. You’ve done your job in the first 18 years… now it’s time for them to take the reins. Trust them to be the adults you raised them to be. Will there be hiccups in this transformation? Probably yes. Will that be a better learning experience than anything they learned in class that week? Again, probably yes.</p>
<p>(Edit to add that I wanted just to say “him” instead of “them”… OP did not specify gender, but I see communication expectations as an issue I saw with my son but not with my daughter.)</p>
<p>OP, your student is an adult now and you need to respect that. Would you do the same thing to your spouse if a text wasn’t returned promptly . . . by following up with a call to spouse’s employer?</p>
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<p>This questions seems to have everything to do with controlling the student and nothing to do with the student’s safety. So which is it - do you want control or do you actually want your student to be safe? Terminating his or her cell phone service certainly gives you control . . . but I can’t see that it does anything at all to enhance this student’s safety.</p>
<p>When college students have been at a school for awhile you would expect their friends to know if they haven’t been seen. But for those going to a school for the first time without knowing people there, you can’t expect that there would even be anyone who would realize they are missing, especially if they are attending a bigger school.</p>
<p>I think that when I know my child has a support group, I will be less likely to be uncomfortable not hearing … Still, I think it’s common courtesy to reply. </p>
<p>I hardly text and I have called maybe two times since the beginning of school.</p>
<p>My niece posted her class schedule specifically so her parents would know so they wouldn’t call during class. Not every kid is hiding their life from their parents. </p>
<p>acollegestudent - while I wouldn’t have called after two days both of my kids schools told parents that if you haven’t heard from your kid and are really worried to call and they will check on them. My daughter’s school security office contacts the RA to check if everything is okay. It is generally not a big deal. Her sophomore year they got a call from a parent who hadn’t heard from their son for a week. They believe he was dead for six days before being found in his single room. It doesn’t happen often but this is the kind of thing that keeps us parents up at night.</p>
<p>dodgermom - everyone is perfectly free to get their own cell phone and pay for it. That is what adults do. Even at 50 I call my parents on a regular basis. I think it is sad that so many people find talking to their families so intrusive.</p>
<p>I stole the proof of life idea from posters on CC </p>
<p>My oldest is in touch daily</p>
<p>If I don’t hear from youngest for a while, I just text “need a little proof of life”. She texts back “life”</p>
<p>I can feel the eye roll from here. Lol</p>
<p>Kids are different. I can count on hearing from youngest in a phone call once a week. She also counts a call to her dad as a call to me and vice versa. </p>
if I really wanted to hear back, I would then phone and leave a message insisting that they call me. And send a text with that same message after a bit (I know voice messages don’t always get heard, but texts are never missed!). In all caps if I were irritated…</p>