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<p>Yikes. That kind of describes DH and me to a T. Not sure I like that hard look in the mirror.</p>
<p>My kids always get home at 2 also. Hah! :D. Now I know. Lol</p>
<p>I learned awhile ago that the stress involved with constantly worrying about a college-age student is destructive to your health and well-being. As others have said you need to strike a balance and not overreact.</p>
<p>I have a freshman and a senior and leave it to them to contact me at their discretion. It is a simple plan and it works for me since I tend not to be a worrier (anymore…).</p>
<p>I’m pretty much in agreement with ordinarylives^^^</p>
<p>Each kid is different. My D called home every other day from college. My S doesn’t call home much, unless there is something he has to have from one of his parents. He returns “non-emergency” texts only about 50% of the time. We don’t put “strings attached” just because we pay for something. We are relatively certain that common sense will prevail. </p>
<p>I have absolutely nothing against parents who have tighter rules due to safety concerns. Heck, I’m retired and my mother still makes me call her if I walk to her house (10 minutes away) and return home after dark.</p>
<p>Don’t call a kid in college a child. That might help. Also SO glad I paid my own way thru college. Parental I’m paying for that guilt trips–not awesome.</p>
<p>I haven’t read through all the responses, but don’t you wonder how our parents SURVIVED…</p>
<p>When I went to college, not only were there NO cell phone and NO email, but freshman year roommate and I didn’t even have a phone in our dorm room. My parents heard from me (about) once a week when I went down to the lobby and called them from the pay phone. If I was studying that night or someone else was using the phone for a long time, then sometimes they heard from me every other week when I called.</p>
<p>Now I know what it feels like to have my son ‘go missing’. Once I texted him and hadn’t heard from him by the following day, so then re-texted and called asking him to call me and didn’t hear back for another day, checked Facebook and he hadn’t logged in and sent him another message there. Spent the next night unable to sleep, fearing the worst, trying to convince myself…maybe he just lost his phone. Guess what? He called from a friends phone the next day and told me he’d lost his phone and asked me what he should do. (I think although I felt like hyperventilating and was worried to the point that I was having trouble sleeping, that I still would have waited at least a week before calling the school for a ‘wellness check’)</p>
<p>When I don’t hear from him, I try to consider it a good thing. If something is wrong - I know someone will call since my phone number is listed as his emergency contact, so if he’s unable to call for any reason, I suspect someone else will. I think what I hate worse than not hearing from him, is getting calls from unknown phone numbers in his school’s area code - whenever I see a number I don’t recognize, my heart always skips a beat (or two) before I answer.</p>
<p>"I used to ask D1 when she got home if I knew she was out the night before. I noticed she always said, “around 2.” I finally asked her what was magical about 2, did bars close at 2 or taxi (bus) stopped running. She said, “No, it is just a respectable time to tell your parents when you got home.” I don’t even bother to ask D2 now.’</p>
<p>LOL. Most of my freshman friends do the same thing when their parents ask them that. Interesting to see that from a parent’s perspective.</p>
<p>If my parents call me, and I am not able to respond (or just don’t feel like talking), I will call them back within the next day or two. If my parents text me, usually I am very prompt about responding… but I have definitely forgotten to respond in the past. I would expect at least 2-3 texts and phone calls over 48 hours before calling the University.</p>
<p>This is a freshman parent question. The answer is, after the first semester, you accept that your child has flown from the nest, is an adult in the eyes of the law, however dependent (FERPA is a slap in the face as you pay your child’s bills), and your child will have to sink or swim in life without you at some point, so you may as well get comfortable.</p>
<p>LOL - must be woman kind of thing (sorry for being sexist).
My wife was in the “typhoon mode” last week because of our older daughter who started college a month ago rarely replied to her mom’s texts or calls. Poor me and my younger daughter caught a bit of friendly fire on a particularly frustrating day.</p>
<p>Same behavior of both of my daughter’s cousins who just started college this week - I think this is rather universal.</p>
<p>Back in the good old days when I went to school, the cost of intl’ call was $2 a minute. So my parents never really expected any calls from us (except during major holidays like New Year).</p>
<p>Lastly - yes, the family dog is paying for my daughter tuition - the chance of my daughter responding to his picture is pretty high - another reason why dogs rule.</p>
<p>In terms of how parents in prior generations survived – it was all about expectations. They did not expect to hear from you more than every week or two, so in between they had to live in “no news is good news” mode; they knew if something was truly wrong, no one would be standing in a pay phone line to call - rather an administrator would call from a college office.</p>
<p>Expectations now are different. If DD/DS routinely responds to texts in 10 min or posts on FB once a day and now suddenly hasn’t for 3 days, of course you presume something is out of the ordinary - and you don’t know if that out of the ordinary involves something bad happening or merely long days in the library for some upcoming exam where she got relegated to the basement study room that has a spotty cell signal.</p>
<p>My parents were overseas and I don’t think I called them once in college, but I was very good about writing them weekly. I traveled alone in Europe several summers as well, and spent a year after college traveling in a van with no address at all for almost a year. I know it’s a lot easier for me to be a relaxed parent, because of my experiences, but I do encourage all of you to let your children fly.</p>
<p>^^^^I do try to let my kids “fly.” The problem is all the inner turmoil I feel while doing so. But most of the time I realize that’s my problem and shouldn’t be theirs.</p>
<p>I traveled in Europe solo after I graduated from college. Had a blast. D1 did a lot of solo traveling during her study abroad time. She, too, had a wonderful time, and I’m glad she got to do it. Nevertheless, I’m sure I’d be a ball of angst if D2 did that.</p>
<p>FWIW, i routinely wouldn’t return my parents calls for a week or more</p>
<p>Sometimes as parents - we need to back ourselves up and get some perspective! Like others have done here, look back to the times of no cell phones and barely any telephone calling! My brother went to Andover in 1972 when the rest of the family went overseas. We exchanged cassette tapes back and forth with him. One tape has my Mom commenting “We know you made it to school ok because there was a charge at the book store.” I don’t think they heard from him in a month or so! He had to be 14 or 15. With my college kid, I expect my once a week call - any other communication is gravy!</p>
<p>Ha ha, no, parents never stop worrying. I have a new job and my 81-year old dad grilled me on the safety of my walk from my remote parking lot to my building!</p>
<p>Op I feel you! You will get no judgement from me. I think your fears are normal. The same technology that gives us reassurance today, is the same technology that gives us instant awareness to every tragic happening the world over. Your mind can go wild.
Here’s what I set up with my daughter who is all the way on the east coast. I told her to never venture out off campus alone (she is in NYC). I told her for her safey to always tell one other friend where she is going. When it came to her communicating with me I requested that she show “proof of life” once a day to anyone in our family. She didn’t need to give an update, just a simple “hi” would suffice. Perhaps much depends on what kind of relationship you have with the child prior to their launch to college. My daughter and I have a Rory /Loreli type relationship (see Gilmore Girls for clarity). Since we dropped her off we text, email, snap chat, several times a day. She calls every 2 or 3 days. We Skype as well. I have taken some advice I heard on what a parents role is at this stage, and I conveyed it to my daughter. The advice is that we now transition from being a manager to a consultant. I only give advice when asked. As far as contacting her school, the only time we have called or will ever call is if there is a bill discrepancy. I will add that if a week went by and I hadn’t heard from her and no one else had either. I would be concerned because it is not her normal pattern. I may then contact the RA. I don’t even have his info but fortunately he’s an adonis according to one of her school’s FB pages, and his info is there. (Don’t ask how I know this but it illustrates the type of relationship we have).
Yes I know that back in the day people would go months w/o contacting loved ones etc, but we don’t live in that time now. Obviously if this technology existed back then, people would have used it. My husband is from a rural village in India, he’s amused by all the “attachment parenting” stuff. Particularly the cosleeping. People seem to always point to cultures like his as to beautiful examples of this. He laughs and says they slept like that because they had to not because they wanted to. I think the same applies to communication with College kids of yesteryear.</p>
<p>I send a daily text or photo and expect one in return. It is not because I fear that my child is dead somewhere and no one knows, but because I care about how things are going and I want updates. I also want to share news about how I am doing and what is going on here at the house.<br>
Our family has always done this, when a parent is away on a business trip, or a student is away on a school trip, or any time one of us is not home. I thought about it after this thread, because we never talked about it as a policy. The effort takes me less than three minutes per day. I love my child, and I would be very sad if they did not think three minutes of their day was worth it to share our family news.</p>
<p>Great advice here so far. My DD is in constant contact - be careful what you wish for. I hear ALL the drama (and I can do without it, but I won’t tell her not to call me). My DS, a college freshman, is a different story. But he was not that communicative at home and I knew that would hardly change at college. Fortunately, he has a lot of laundry questions (never knew he was so concerned about his clothes) so I hear those on almost a weekly basis. </p>
<p>However, just about a week ago, he was dealing with a college administrator and, after he emailed her on a Friday, he was upset on Sunday that he hadn’t heard back from her yet. Hmmmm. So YOU want a timely response to an email? See what it feels like? I didn’t use those words, but I let it be known in a more positive way that it’s nice to reply to someone - even with ok or not available now or something - in a timely fashion.</p>
<p>He has also gotten upset when I haven’t answer my cell (especially if he has a laundry question!). Sometimes, it’s just in the other room (charging!) and he could easily reach me on two other lines we have here! That’s another teachable moment.</p>
<p>I do know he is quite busy and I’m thrilled for that. My texts to him usually tell him when I’m available and ask when we can catch up. Sometimes I get a response, sometimes I don’t. </p>
<p>I do love the “proof of life” request and will keep that in my back pocket.</p>
<p>TVenee, never go off campus alone in NYC? Not even during the day? I can guarantee your daughter is breaking your rules all the time. That’s totally ridiculous.</p>
<p>OP, you did get me thinking about what I would do in an emergency, like if I had needed to reach my son ASAP and he wasn’t answering, or if he disappeared for a week with no sign of life.</p>
<p>I have his roommate’s number, so I guess I would start with him. ( calling him only after trying to reach my son in all possible direct ways, including email and fb) I would call the dorm next. Thinking about it, I realized I would like to have a few more friends’ numbers. This year I do know who he hangs out with and could ask for those numbers, but in the future, I may not. And someday he will live off campus, maybe by himself. </p>
<p>You all posting above are right: mothers always worry!</p>