<p>Just wondering if there are any parents going crazy like I am??? My son is a freshman and wants to transfer from the school that HE chose and gave him an incredible financial package. He is disappointed with the lack of rigor, the small size of the campus and town (the things he orginally liked), and the drug culture on campus. He wanted to transfer at Christmas but we told him he needed to stick it out for a year. I'm just wondering if any others are out there in a similar situation?</p>
<p>I personally think you are wise, Texasmom, as I have heard of many kids who are unhappy even at Thanksgiving time and then love their school sometime in spring semester.</p>
<p>That said, transferring is not the end of the world and his reasons seem valid, imho. He's got time, since most apps are due in mid-March. My S transferred last year (forced transfer, tho, due to Tulane's elimination of his major) and I transferred back in the day for the same first reason your son has.</p>
<p>I read the Transfer boards here and I see a lot of kids wanting to transfer, many with not very thought-out reasons. So the adjustment problems are not uncommon.</p>
<p>It's hard, I know, to think of it not working out for your kid. And potential loss of a great $$ package is a pain in the wallet (I know, that's where we are feeling the pain). But you'll get through it. If transfer does become his plan and you have any questions, post or PM me. I feel as though I've been through it in spaces.</p>
<p>Texasmom, what went wrong? Is it the dorm? I went back and relived "our experience" because up to a point we were sharing it :) and all the factors you mentioned were "hashed out" (pun NOT intended) at length. Also, the reach school he loved had even more of a rep for drugs than the school chosen. </p>
<p>Can you be more specific about "lack of rigor"? What kind of classes is he taking? Should he have accelerated (if possible)?</p>
<p>I recognized then and I think we all did that our kids would be the top of the mark but should I assume the theory of a "critical mass" of stellar students didn't hold true or hasn't yet held true? </p>
<p>I'm so sorry this is happening but I feel compelled for his sake to question his first semester mid-term assessment. Has he gone to his advisor? The Dean? The Chair of his (intended) Department? The best prof's in his area of interest? Has he been proactive enough that you feel comfortable that he is taking advantage of all the opportunities available to him? </p>
<p>I know how much thought went into the decision to attend. I know that I could be where you are (literally).</p>
<p>Texasmom--my D ended up transfering after her first year for some of the reasons you gave; mainly lack of rigor--not so much in the classes themselves but in the approach of her fellow (Honors Program) students to the classes, and the party-drinking atmosphere. She also was facing losing major merit money if she transfered.</p>
<p>You can search my posts, I've written on this a ton, but my basic advice is to brainstorm with him ways he can make this work to the best of his ability before choosing another path, and especially emphasizing doing well in his classes no matter what his feelings are, which is vital whether he stays or goes.</p>
<p>Obviously, the money is an issue. My D ended up at a full-pay "selective" LAC; it cost us a lot to make this change. I did tell her that we would not be able to cover any "extras" like travel, internships, special programs, if she transfered, which we would do if she stayed. Wasn't worth it to her; she transfered, and was very happy. But she didn't make the decision until the end of the second semester; she resesarched and applied in winter and spring, and then when the acceptances came in, she made her choice.</p>
<p>Good luck to you; I remember how hard this was on all of us, especially my D.</p>
<p>Could "town too small" be freshman-speak for not having clicked with enough other kids yet? My D had a very tough first couple of months. She kept saying she was going to consciously recognize that it would take awhile, and she wouldn't think divorce until she'd lived with the college relationship for a minimum of one semester. She was 3,000 miles from home, and with no high school friends. She forced herself to go to clubs, different eating places, etc. Making friends, as she did, made the whole campus look different. Now she's quite happy, and looking forward to class selection for next semester. I think part of the adjustment was her decision not to assume the divorce too early in the school year. But feeling more comfortable at the school has taken her the full two months.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>You can reassure him that the classes and the students will get more serious. There are reasons that colleges have the freshmen live apart from the other students. One reason is that this is their first time away from home. As they mature they will be more serious.
On another note my D has a suitemate this year who transfered because she found that the entire culture at her first college was not what she wanted. My point is that your son should not base his decision on transient elements of his current experience.</p>
<p>DD is also far away...at a full pay (almost) college. She is not complaining and actually sounds chipper when we speak and email. She knows, however, that she MUST stay a full year there (no mid year transfers) and IF she decides to transfer, it is to our flagship state U. We've already done the expensive private school route with her. Yes, we know that all private schools are not the same. BUT if she transfers, it will be to the state U (or to the OOS U that his holding her acceptance there from last spring...cost there is about the same for OOS as our flagship).</p>
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DH and DD were getting ready to drive him up to school and DS informs me Sunday night he's made the biggest mistake of his life! He doesn't want to go, there are no classes he wants to take, and here's THE issue...he's going to miss his girlfriend! So I told him he could stay home and go to community college and transfer to the big state school next year if he wanted, but he had to live at home and get a job....well that changed his mind very quickly....he decided to go, but said he's transfering at semester....which DH and I nixed. We told him he had to give it a year.
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<p>I remember this post of yours from last August. The current complaint seems more a continuation of this ambivalence than something arising from his actual experience to me. I think your message should stay the same. He should give it a year. He can put in an application for transfer, but for sophomore year, not second semester freshman. </p>
<p>By the way, October is the second for cold feet (literally as well as figuratively in some parts of the country). Some students get them because suddenly they are waking up to the realities of college: the workload (or lack thereof), the party scene (lack thereof or too much thereof).<br>
If he finds the classes undemanding, he can talk his way into more challenging versions of the requirements (if he has requirements). But he has to show what he can do, whether he wants to transfer or to argue his way into harder classes.</p>
<p>Texasmom, we have been dealing with similar feelings of dissatisfaction for going on 3 semesters now. The differences are that S. turned down money to go to "dream" school where he feels he doesn't fit in well socially. He has talked transfer since Sept. of fresh. year and so far has done nothing about it. Another difference is that he is very satisfied with the academics. At this point (though one never knows) I think he will stay as he feels academics outweigh his social life and there is no guarantee the grass will really be greener somewhere else.</p>
<p>If it is truly the academics that your S. is unhappy with, I would see that as a very valid reason to consider transfer--but not midyear.</p>
<p>One saying that I have repeated to my son that my father used to say to me (and I hated it at the time just as much as S. does) is: "Learn to bloom where you are planted".</p>
<p>I am seeing increasing numbers of kids dissatisfied with their college choices. I am wondering if the expectation of what the experience should be has gotten too high. This could be a result of the increasing selectivity. There is the "I worked so hard in high school to get here and I'm so lucky I got admitted when 75% of the applicants (or whatever) did not, that surely this will be awesome in every respect."<br>
My senior D never doubted her choice and I suspect freshman S will not either. I think a lot of this has to do with going to boarding school and learning a lot of the lessons there. There are going to be kids you don't like. There are going to be parts of the culture you don't like. There may be teachers you don't like. You might get homesick. They also got a feeling for whether they needed to be in a small community like the boarding school or if they were ready for a large school in a city. During the recruiting and application process my son tried so hard to like Williams, but he KNEW if would stifle him in a year or so because the school and the town were too small and too much like his boarding school.</p>
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I am seeing increasing numbers of kids dissatisfied with their college choices. I am wondering if the expectation of what the experience should be has gotten too high.
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To me, there is no doubt that this is at play. I also think that the Parent Forum mantra of "fit" (of which I am a key proponent) can be overdrawn and misinterpreted. It is wise to choose a school which will fit your wants and needs. It is childish, imho, to think that there is only one school which will fit or to think that there aren't a number of environments in which you can happily fit or to which you can adapt - because some elements are right and other elements take a period of adjustment and some learning how to adjust.</p>
<p>I think mkm56's advice, from her dad, is very much on the mark: "Learn to bloom where you are planted." I think following this advice will work for a huge number of "dissatisfied" kids. Some few, it won't work. But for most, it will.</p>
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There is the "I worked so hard in high school to get here and I'm so lucky I got admitted
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This was exactly my son's feelings when making his decision. He wanted to go to the school that "reflected" his hard work in high school. Unfortunately, that also has made for much more adjustment. In high school he was the "bright bulb"---in college he is more like a desk lamp in a well-lit room ;) (though sometimes he feels like a night light left on during the day).</p>
<p>But be careful about over-generalizations; if the academics are happening at a lower level than the student hoped for, it may not be because of higher expectations, but because the student really could handle and thrive in a more challenging atmosphere.</p>
<p>Sometimes you can't bloom because the soil is wrong. I don't know if this is the case or not for the OP's kid, but I think it is potentially destructive to students to say, basically, deal with it. Many do indeed find that the place they are is the right place after all; in the main, they're not the ones transfering. Those that do, do not need to be labeled as childish, as hothouse flowers, or that they bear unrealistic expectations. Taking action when a situation truly is the wrong one for you is, from my own and my D's experiences, a strengthening experience.</p>
<p>Again, I don't know what the OP's son will feel like by spring; he may love his school. But if he truly feels like he's gritting his teeth and getting through it, rather than thriving, then perhaps a change will be a chance to bloom.</p>
<p>I agree with you, garland, that the hothouse flowers are, in the main, not the ones transferring. It takes a lot of determination to navigate the transfer process - both in terms of the application process and the adjustment process when starting over at the new school.</p>
<p>I think the overly high expectations/expecting perfection and a complete joyride is another phenomenon, actually a separate one, now that you mention it. Kids, some kids that is, have maybe internalized the "college will be the best years of your life" message in the wrong way, expecting it to be a thrill a minute and outstanding in every regard. </p>
<p>So what MOWC and I are commenting on is probably not all that relevant to transfer kids. More so to kids upset in October that they haven't found the deep friendships they were counting on, don't feel thoroughly comfortable and settled in, aren't sure they have actually found the "dream" school they felt entitled to.</p>
<p>Agree, JMMom. I am not against transferring at all. I am just concerned that there seems to be a lot more dissatisfaction with the choices. When I was still in Texas I was seeing a lot of kids who aimed for something smaller and more selective than UT winding up deciding that UT was really a more fun place to be and coming back for soph year. S had a friend a year ahead of him at his boarding school that chose Philadelphia College and absolutely hated it. She is a happy sophomore now at Bucknell. Our tour guide at Cornell lasted a year at Bucknell and felt like it was way too small for him and he transferred to Cornell. A former classmate of D's hated Cornell so much she left mid-year. Go figure.</p>
<p>mkm56, the val of S's class started freshman year at your S's univ. in 2005. She was not happy with the social aspects from the get-go. Made dean's list so academics were not the prob. She transferred after 1 semester. They were paying full freight and parents decided if she was determined to transfer to our flagship univ. why spend another semester paying the private school tuition. She is now a happy soph. in "blue heaven".</p>
<p>Yes, he has looked down the road to the "blue school". His fear is that coming in as a junior it will be difficult to form social groups in such a large school. Bottom line, my H. and I have decided that if he is unhappy enough, he will jump through the hoops to transfer. If he doesn't make the effort to go through all the transfer hassles, maybe he really isn't that unhappy and just likes to b**** to us ;).</p>
<p>Packmom,
Tried to send you a PM, but that option is not available. My D. just sent in her paper work to NC state. If accepted to the program, we will start looking for housing along the busline you mentioned.</p>
<p>Hi mkm, I don't even know how to activate the PM option. Can somebody tell me?</p>
<p>Packmom, I think you go to "my control panel", click on options and enable private messages.</p>