how much communication should I expect from my college bound son?

Parents Forum
1

<p>OK, so S1 is heading out to college this fall as a freshman.</p>

<p>How much communication should I expect from my son? My goal is to maintain the family dynamics where he voluntarily comes to us for communication, rather than we hound him for that extra piece of information so unwillingly parted by him. If I have a dog, I would rather that it comes to us with tail wagging, rather than we pull it by the leash with claws scratching the floors (I learned early on in my parenting that handling kids can be surprising similar to handling pets!)</p>

<p>To give you some idea: I am not a worry bag. I do my best to give him as wide a berth as I can possible to my son: some may even think we are negligent as he comes and goes as he pleases as late (or "early" should I say) as he wants to. That's because I completely trust him: a really good kid who has never gotten into trouble whatsoever - last summer, he called me to come pick him up since he drank, and would just rather leave the car in the friend's house in their driveway than risk driving after he drank! </p>

<p>He is a very independent kid, went on a college tour on his own (by his choice), and very clearly stated that he is going to the admit week event this past spring by himself. A seasoned traveler.</p>

<p>We talk a lot about the subjects he feels safe enough to discuss with us (e.g., endless evening strategy sessions on office politics at a place he is interning this summer, like how to be noticed, how to network, how to "recruit" and "reward" potential mentors, how to talk to senior executives, how to handle HR gatekeepers etc - 20+ years of learning/observing office politics at multinational corporate giants comes handy as a parent advisor to him!). He also discusses a lot with us on the business/professional matters he is passionate about (econ/finance). We do talk a lot about politics also. He occassionally tells us about comings, goings, and plans of his friends we know well. Even some gossips!</p>

<p>However, he can be very cagey about some other subject matters. He went on an all expense paid national HS student competition final of some sorts for 4 days, and hardly said anything - I get the general sense that he had a very "good" time!). AND, during that time he hardly communicated with us at all. MY H was really hurt by it. He used to tell us about girls also, but I think he discovered that this was not wise and stopped doing that about a year ago (we never comment/pass judgement or advise on "girl issues" - we just listened: even so, I think he decided that it's simply not cool to talk to parents about things like this).</p>

<p>So, for a kid like this with the dynamics described above, how "little" communication should I consider a sign of trouble? It's far less an emotional issue to me than it is to my husband (we are role reversed in this family). </p>

<p>If we hear from him very infrequently due to all the excitement in his new life, I would like to get some feel for whether it's just because we are distant second priority (which is perfectly understandable) or whether there is a trouble? When should I be worried?</p>

2

<p>My son is only a rising HS jr, but I have found he is more apt to “spill” by texting than face to face, by email or phone. H and I are also on facebook and are friends with S. I would be surprised if he hasn’t “blocked” us out of certain things he says on facebook, but for the most part I feel like we get as complete a picture as any parent ever will. Now, he will never tell us about girls and we have accepted that. Not that we haven’t tried to engage him on that topic.</p>

<p>I suggest a daily text after dinner asking how his day was and a little tibet about life at home.</p>

3

<p>While still in high school, our D went to summer school at an amazing university on the opposite coast last summer. We tried funny texts, calling and emails: all getting either no response or attitude. I finally threatened to cut off her credit card if she did not call at the agreed upon time. Having already gotten a preview of what college communications might look like with her, we have been discussing this issue a lot in our house. We have all agreed on the frequency and method and how to handle rearranging of times. I won’t be able to cancel her credit card since she pays her own now but since she will be staying on our coast this time, I could always just show up on her doorstep. Just kidding.</p>

4

<p>In my opinion, daily texts are expecting too much. Which goes to show how much this can vary by family.</p>

<p>What would your H be comfortable with? When S is at camp, he’s free to ignore us for the entire time. When S is traveling we expect a text every third day. Calls are optional. As has been mentioned, facebook can be a good place to catch up. We do have a rule that he must pick up and/or call back asap if we call him. To date we have only needed to call him a few times and he does pick up or get back to us very quickly. </p>

<p>I understand what you are saying about dogs/kids and so on but I know that when I travel or am just away from home for awhile, I get very distracted and often find myself thinking of calling my spouse at odd hours. It’s just easier to set a day/time to do phone calls (or text or whatnot.) Also, it avoids hurt feelings.</p>

5

<p>Daily texts!?!!?!?
geeeez</p>

6

<p>when i’m in college i will call once a month lol</p>

7

<p>When I went to 3 week long summer camps I would call my parents every other day, but only for like 2-4 minutes just to check up. I think the minimum your son should be calling you is once every week. In fact, you can call him Sunday night if you want, chances are he won’t be doing anything.</p>

<p>In college I plan to call my parents once every week.</p>

8

<p>Parents of sons shouldn’t expect much, if any, son elicited communication. We call ours on his cell phone once each weekend, at a time he is likely to be free and not studying/out for the evening. I email him with info as I see fit, most questions go unanswered (my monolog, I guess). Once a week is the MAXIMUM I would expect, once per month a minimum to hear a son’s voice when he is away at school. This has worked for 3 years for us.</p>

<p>Letting go is hard for parents, but necessary. Do not expect details, much of the importance of going away is the chance to do things without parents knowing every detail. Sometimes our son has forgotten he hasn’t told us any details and I remind him that we don’t know what he is talking about since he never divulged any info. New freshmen especially may forget that family won’t know much, if anything, about their school/city et al- they have been used to parents living in the same place, experiencing the same weather, getting info from the school and hearing local news.</p>

<p>Tell your son you will call him once a week if he won’t call you- let him pick the time and day for the routine call. You get to hear his voice, even if only for a brief time. Other than that, email as often as you like, but don’t expect a response or even to have him read them if they are too frequent or long. Voicemail is great when you need to talk outside of scheduled times. I find it useful to know his class schedule so a phone call can be made when he has time to talk when questions come up- usually about imminent transportation home.</p>

9

<p>It’s funny. DD1 went off to college two years ago and we hardly hear from her (DW or I phone her about every other week to see how things are going). Her sister, though, gets daily E-Mails. We have to check with her to see what’s up. She’ll be going off to college this year and I’m not sure who I’ll hear from.</p>

10

<p>My son, a rising senior, just finished spending 6 weeks at a music camp. He called sporadically.</p>

<p>He went straight from there to Germany for a music festival. The only reason I know he’s arrived safely is because he’s used our ATM card (either that or the people who have abducted him are somewhat cheap.) He’s getting a pass on no communication here because he hasn’t contacted his GF or other friends either - sounds like he’s busy and that’s a good thing. </p>

<p>I think that it’s not unreasonable to set up what your expectations are in this area and to find out from your son what his are as well. In this conversation it’s important for you to make clear that it’s not that you’re micromanaging his life, but that you’re interested, supportive, and accessible. So to he needs to understand others’ needs as well - that’s part of growing up. Any parent has the need to be comfortable that their child is OK and he needs to respect that. If the expectations diverge, you’ll need to make some kind of agreement where both sides give a little and then stick to the agreement.</p>

<p>It seems to me that you’ve given your son a long leash and that he hasn’t abused it, so I don’t think I’m going out on a limb to say that I think you two will get it worked out to both of your satisfactions so long as you talk about it.</p>

<p>To all the students posting/reading here, remember that the best way to demonstrate some minimal level of gratitude for the people back home who are working two jobs or giving up things they enjoy so you can attend school, is to call home, send an email, or actually write a letter to let them know how you are doing, whether you need any support, and that you appreciate the opportunity you have. When I was in college, I called every Sunday and continued to do that for decades after college. Sometimes those conversations were very brief, but they served their purpose, for both parties.</p>

11

<p>We do the same thing with our son that our parents did to us, call once a week on the weekends. We talk for five to ten minutes. I don’t think it’s too onerous, we learn very little from our conversations! We send the occasional IM or e-mail for issues that need to be taken care of sooner. (What’s the router password? Do you want us to mail you ___ that just arrived today?)</p>

12

<p>a little different because son is at a residential math and science high school, but i call once a day (if he had to initiate it, it would probably be only when he needed something). The calls are usually very short, void of details and usually less than 3 minutes, unless there is something specific to discuss ie we are starting the college app process so expect them to be more detailed from now until apps finished.
I told him i only had one rule… I needed to be able to say I love you once a day. (you just never know if you will not have that chance one day and regret not calling or speaking with them… sorry to sound morbid but it is a reality)
(did the same with eldest when he was in college…now out working and totally independent so about once a week chat)</p>

13

<p>He will call the first time he needs to do laundry. For a son, this might be a few weeks into the semester. The second call will be an hour laer, when it’s time to move the stuff into the dryer.</p>

14

<p>nngmm, That sounds like something out of Leave it Beaver! Not only has my son done his own laundry from ag 10, my husband did as well.</p>

15

<p>In our family, texting and IM are the best way to communicate with S with texting probably the preferred method to get a response.</p>

<p>I have noticed that when things are going well with him, we really don’t hear much. It’s when there are problems (of any kind) that he contacts us and then the words flow. This is fine with us. He knows we love him, we know he loves us. He is just trying to become more independent making his own choices and decisions. </p>

<p>There is another thread called What Do Boys Talk About that I really chuckled at. It is so true - not many details are forthcoming. I have come to accept that’s how they are!</p>

<p>hyeonjlee ~ maybe you could explain to your son how much it means to his father for him to keep in touch. Your S may not realize that. I know if I said that to my S, he would definitely make an effort to honor that.</p>

16

<p>My S would call when he needed something or had a question. At first I wanted to do an every Sunday night call, but that didn’t work out. Skype is now our method of communication. I don’t text, so this works for us. As long as I hear from him every 1-2 weeks, I am happy.</p>

17

<p>It’s normal for college kids to --as a result of enjoying their new lives – not communicate that much with family. In fact, typically one hears from them most when they have a problem or are depressed. When things are going well, often the college students are too busy with their courses, friends, and extracurriculars to contact home.</p>

<p>One tip: Just letting parents know about concerns may cause college kids to feel much better and then to easily solve their problems. If you aren’t aware of this, you can become very worried about some problem your kid shared when meanwhile as a result of talking to you, your kid solved their problem or forgot about their problem.</p>

18

<p>I talk to my son about once a week. Sometimes I’m busy or he’s busy and it goes to two weeks. Sometimes I make the call, sometimes he does. Sometimes he’s happy and just sharing stuff, sometimes he wants to know how to do something and once in a while he has a problem but there is minimal drama and he was fairly a pain in the you know where in high school. He’s starting his third year at college and only comes home 2x a year for a month. I miss him, but he posts up lots of pics on Facebook and always sends me a message so I don’t miss the new pictures. He’s used to a family that communicates with one another as he sees me talk to my parents often so I think it’s just ingrained the we should talk more than once or twice a month. My husband’s parents were both deceased before the kids were born, so they take the greater share of the kid/parent dynamics from my interaction with my parents. Early in his freshman year he did call me out of the blue to me at my office to ask how I got the “whites” so bright 'cause he’s came out of the washer pretty dingy - crappy dorm washers.</p>

19

<p>While we are just beginning the conversations of how often we will talk/text/email, I have used a saying around here with the kids for AT LEAST well over a decade made somewhat ironic considering the OP’s dog reference. I tell the kids to throw me a bone. When they were at home (and one still will be) I say throw me the bone or I will have to go digging. Which would you prefer? For Son… it’s throw me a bone and it amounts to I wont keep pawing your lap or scratching on the door (AKA texting/calling) all the time.</p>

20

<p>After a few weeks of some angst - and anger - son agreed to call x1/week at a specified time. In almost 2 years at school, I don’t think he has missed. We call him if we need/want to speak with him but not more than once a week. At this point d thinks she will call every day!!</p>