Our DS is 5 years into his career, self supporting and just bought his first starter home on his own.
We are enjoying the opportunity to gift him our castoffs as we get some new things for ourselves like a new smart TV. Makes me feel a bit less decadent for splurging on some “wants” that we definitively don’t need.
We will support our disabled adult DD forever in some way or another. It is an ongoing concern.
It seems there are quite a few of us on CC who will be supporting adult kids due to physical or mental health issues, so we have a lot of company. I’m grateful that we have resources to help D because there really aren’t a whole lot of government or other resources that are adequate or even appropriate.
@musicmom - Thanks for the reminder that most parental burdens are indeed small stuff. Best of luck with you as you support your DD.
The job interview went well - hopefully well enough for them to offer me the job! Hope to find out by the end of the week. Prayers appreciated!
Wonderful, SOS! Keeping fingers crossed.
Interesting question as to how and when to stop funding. ShawSon started his first company as an undergrad, ran it as CEO for 1.5 years while drawing what he called a “ramen noodle” level salary for the year after college, turned it over to an experienced businessman to run, and went of to get an MS in Data Science and an MBA at a school which arguably is the best in the world in both fields. We are fully funding the grad school, though the MBA will take us over what we saved. We may do the increment as a loan to him.
He has already started on Venture number 2. He was offered an assistantship from the Data Science department to continue research he started last year but the business school won’t let him take an assistantship in his first year. Would have covered tuition plus a stipend. He’ll try to negotiate for the next quarter. However, he is still doing the research and taking classes at the business school and doing venture 2, which he says is taking about 30 hours a week. We have largely been paying for him. He says he wouldn’t proceed with Venture 2 after he graduates unless he has investors who will invest at a high valuation in order to pay his own way (and his partner as well), although he may underestimate the cost of living in Silicon Valley. But, instead of taking a highly lucrative job this summer, he wants to work on Venture 2 so we’d in effect be paying for him for the summer (although he would no doubt be able to have the assistantship by then). Do we pay for him over the summer? He plans to put part of each of his ventures in the family trust, so should one or more succeed, that piece would go back to the family itself and not just him.
ShawD is one semester and a bit away from her MSN and will be an NP. She’s working as an RN with a regular nursing salary. We’re paying for rent (she’s paying a little) as we own the condo she’s living in, her uber, cell phone, cable, one of her credit cards, etc. I suspect we’re picking up most expenses, but she’s saving. When she graduates and starts her NP job, we’ll probably transition over most expenses – likely after helping her move.
With ShawSon, it’s a little more complex. His expected net worth is quite high as he is in a fabulous ecosystem for converting talent and drive (he has oodles of both) into wealth. But, we certainly would have paid more for him and his education than for ShawD and her education. Do you seek to make that up in some way?
"Do you seek to make that up in some way? "
You already are going to have him make up for that, by having him pay into the family trust.
You’re not asking your DD to do that, correct?
D1 says, and D2 agrees, that they’ll each support me and my husband when we are old, but each in her own way: D2 financially and D1, by caring for and entertaining us.
@menloparkmom, he volunteered to put in founders shares into the Trust. We haven’t asked ShawD or him to do it. But, he understands how well we have supported him and his sister. And the trust is a dynasty trust so if we were lucky to have a lot of $$ in there, the benefits would the be for our grandkids (and beyond).
I will have to work out the tax issues of his founders shares going into the trust.
The trust bought a condo that ShawD lives in. She did propose that if she moved to a place that we liked, we would help her buy a two family home. We’d live on the ground floor, she and (hoped for) family upstairs. When she had kids and we we around, we’d help take care of the kids. When we got older, she would take care of us. So, similar to @rosered55’s D2.
Forget the trust, drop some money into a Roth IRA, and put the founder’s shares on there. Tax free forever for you and your heirs.
“The trust bought a condo that ShawD lives in. She did propose that if she moved to a place that we liked, we would help her buy a two family home. We’d live on the ground floor, she and (hoped for) family upstairs. When she had kids and we we around, we’d help take care of the kids. When we got older, she would take care of us. So, similar to @rosered55’s D2.”
Though her husband might have a different plan. Many guys might be horrified at that commitment, and want their own home. That trade sure wouldn’t have been worth the money in my family. My husband would have said heck no!
^ Yah, no way would this ever have happened. DW would also have zero interest in this, for either set of parents.
In the spirit of the season, I am thankful to see this thread revived and active! DH and I finally found a fee-based financial advisor that we both like and we’ve begun the process. We could do this ourselves but haven’t demonstrated inclination or aptitude. I am so relieved! This thread has been an inspiration, thanks to the wise ones who freely share their knowledge.
@shawbridge - I wouldn’t worry to much about equity with the kids. The main thing is whether all the kind and generous help is impacting your retirement outlook. If not, just follow your gut.
@colorado_mom - thank you for your kind words.
DH and I feel fortunate that we happen to live in an area with relatively good government supports for adults with developmental disabilities. Emphasis on relatively.
So DD has since birth been hooked into all possible services and programs. Managing them and maintaining eligibility over the years hasn’t been easy but we provide for her as most parents would for a child they love.
It does complicate our retirement picture. We probably will not relocate as we try to arrange a group home home situation for her going forward in this area. We will not start over with her in another location with all new agencies!
And of course, funding her special needs trust at our passing is essential as well.
I’m grateful to have “met” some other CC parents that have children with special needs. The separate thread has been so helpful, such giving people here.
@musicmom, For children with special needs, I think most believe the society should help the family shoulder the burden instead of letting the parents and the children (even after they have grown up) struggle by themselves. This is what a civilized society should do. We could say this is the ultimate “safety net” for everybody because no one would know for sure whether some day s/he may need it due to a reason which is beyond his/her control.
@shawbridge don’t know if you have term life insurance on either of your children, but I would buy 30 year policies on them. We own our policies on our two, but over time as their life situation changes, can name different beneficiaries etc…I had policies on both DDs to be the same amount of insurance I have on me.
I wouldn’t look to ‘equity’ now - I think it is great you can help your son to full potential. DD is doing well career wise.
When your son has fully blossomed with his career after completing advanced degrees, you may want to change things to make what you pass on to your children more equitable.
Sometimes ventures don’t go as well as expected, but sounds like son will be very financially successful in the long run.
@notrichenough, good thought on Roth IRAs. I think it is hard to invest IRAs in relatives’ businesses. Do you have any experience with this?
@colorado_mom, I think we are ok so far. I have been reasonably fortunate thus far and would just have to make sure to match spending choices with income. I also love my work and don’t intend to retire, just slow down.
I met with my former financial advisor yesterday. Nice guy with interesting ideas and fee-laden options. Proposals include:
Not clear how I would fund it all. Some are good ideas. Some too fancy and fee-laden. But, a significant part of this is to get back assets, I think.
I kept D’s 529 plan alive for this same reason, Shawbridge. I figure that I can fund it and then she can either use it for grad school if she ever decides to go, or I can reassign it to grandkids down the line. I might even open one in my own name.
Fee-laden is how planners make more $$$$ and why bogleheads avoid most planners like the plague. Variable annuities are another way they suck money from you. I’d fully investigate before you commit ANY more funds toward this planner and the suggestions. Sometimes getting funds out of investments have tax costs, and loads – buying or selling, as well as annual fees when your funds are invested in high annual fee investments.