I’d highly recommend time at the gym. Does wonders for me. :-bd
Sushiritto – my DH? At a gym? He won’t even come with me to walk the dog! He has not exercised in the 35 years we have been married. He doesn’t take good care of himself. He just reminds me that he’s well insured. All his friends are from work or those relationships I maintain. He doesn’t do home projects or have other hobbies. Work is his life and his identity and he would be happy to work til the day he keels over.
I have a bunch of errands and appointments to attend to now that the holidays are over, and he will be anxious until I get home. Not how I want to live my life!
So if anyone has ideas on how to help a spouse develop a plan for what to do in retirement, I’m all ears (or eyes, on this forum).
@CountingDown I am with you! My H does nothing but sit at his desk to work or sit in chair in den watching TV. He leaves the house to get lunch every day to “break up the day” - because of health issue, he works from home. He is also furloughed. He has been called in as essential today and he is so happy (even though he was suppose to be on vacation) but I think he likes being essential for a few hours (pending legal issue). Not like he was going to help me put up Christmas or do any projects - sigh.
He is already at home ALL THE TIME. Not looking forward to his retirement at all.
@CountingDown , I recently “discovered” a fun way to spend Friday mornings: volunteering to split and stack firewood for town residents (with a special discount for seniors). My wife made me promise not to run the splitter myself (she knows how clumsy I am), but I’m perfectly capable of moving a wheelbarrow and stacking. I also delivered one load of wood during the week; it was a lot of fun, and I will do it again.
It was easy-going exercise, the company was congenial, the fresh air was great, and I feel more a part of my community. Win-win-win.
@CountingDown I have no idea what I’ll do in retirement either, so I can understand. I thought about coaching or teaching part-time, some type of part-time job. I’ve mentioned this before, but as Elle Woods said in Legally Blonde “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” =))
@CountingDown, I have written this elsewhere, but a very wise friend of mine says that when people have community, meaning and structure, they will likely be in a good psychological state. When one is missing, people cope. But, when two or three are missing, people begin to get depressed etc… Some people get all three from work, in which case retirement or layoffs can be devastating. Others get it from religion. SAHMs sometimes get all three from kids/school and lose all three when the nest empties. On CC, one reads about SAHMs really struggling after the nest empties as their meaning in life (raising kids), their structure (kids’ school schedules) and community (often other parents) tends to go away quickly or dissipate (we see much less frequently couples who we used to see when our kids were in school together).
What to do: Find something that gives a sense of meaning. This is often charity work for my former exec friends plus being on startup or non-profit boards. Often these have community built-in. Some people take up art or writing. Classes may help with community. Structure often needs to be superimposed. Meet people for a book group, classes, dare I say gym or walking. Religion is a one stop shop for all three, but I have an approach/avoidance relationship with organized religion (which is mostly avoidance).
Many of us will have to improvise to construct a world that gives community, meaning and structure. I am an itinerant (I run a small consulting firm, I’m a co-founder of a tech startup, I write, I teach an executive course at a university, I do pro bono projects). Most of these activities give me meaning. I have to create my own structure. I have some community from my work/pro bono worlds, but really ShawWife has unbelievable social skills/needs and organizes community for both of us. I don’t plan on retiring until I’m unable to function so I will not lose the meaning right away, although I expect I will shift the mix of my work if/when travel becomes harder.
I believe there are studies that suggest that people who live with (near?) their families as they age live longer. Probably community and meaning become obvious. ShawSon just proposed that we buy a three-family house in the Bay Area with a unit for us, him and SO, and ShawD and SO when they move there.
I’ve noticed folks who have a larger part of their Identities tied to work and few outside activities have a bigger adjustment trying to figure out what to do in retirement than folks who are already doing a lot of things and fit work among them. It is very important for folks to cultivate things they want to do once they aren’t in the work world — for some, it includes a part time job or volunteer work that is similar to a part time position.
" ShawSon just proposed that we buy a three-family house in the Bay Area with a unit for us, him and SO, and ShawD and SO when they move there."
a great idea that is going to cost you more than a pretty penny.
I currently do animal rescue as a volunteer (mostly walking shelter dogs but there all types of stuff that needs done), but hope to add meals on wheels when I retire.
@HImom, I agree that for people other than those who control their own work (and likely even for those that do), one needs to derive meaning from more than work and probably to do so prior to retirement.
@menloparkmom, agree. I looked over the break on Redfin and there is some availability in the $1MM+ to $4 MM range. I think ShawSon/SO and ShawD and SO are likely capable of funding their share of the mortgage but probably not the down payment. Could be done through a family trust, renting the units to all three couples in an amount sufficient to cover mortgage and expenses. I have to do the numbers to see if it is sustainable. Plus, ShawWife and I like Sausalito. I’m less interested in living in an urban area. But, it would be a way to be near the kids.
CountingDown, I am also a fed, although thankfully not furloughed this time. During my last several-week shutdown 3 years ago, I contacted Interfaith Works, a wonderful charity in Montgomery County and asked if they had volunteer work i could do. They recommended i go to their clothing center (in Rockville) and help sort clothes and other household items for distribution. I had thought maybe they would need my medical expertise, since my day job is as a physician, but it actually worked out well. It got me out of the house, interacting with people I wouldn’t normally have had contact with, and gave me a sense of purpose, which I sorely needed. Maybe your H would be willing to try something similar.
@Momof3, a friend and I coordinate a project making quilts for the Interfaith Works Women’s Shelter. That’s also where I donate clothes and school supplies. DH used to run the catering at our synagogue, but he is somewhat soured on the shul these days because of my experience when I worked there. I think he’d be into cooking for shelter residents, since we’ve done it fairly regularly for many years.
He wouldn’t mind being an adjunct at a law school, which would be great if he retired before 70…but that’s a tough nut to crack these days.
The hard part is starting the conversation. It’s way, way out of his comfort zone.
Three years into retirement. The first two were super difficult. H still does not have quite enough to do. He still works part time and talks about just another two years (yikes). He has taken over a lot of the cooking and most of the laundry. Exercises way too much (about 30-40 lbs underweight). The most important thing I did was leave the house so the he had to figure it out. He mostly has and our life is the better for it. He also has taken over my glass fusion studio…
I thought retirement was all about not having enough to do. 
I have little structure in my day and I rather enjoy it that way after several stressful decades of working and little sleep and early mornings. It’s a blessing and I’m perfectly content.
@doschicos , I agree. DW has taken 2 weeks for a staycation, and I’m enjoying the “contact relaxation.” I usually get up at 5 or so to make her coffee; sleeping till 7 now, and having a cup by myself. She’s filling bird feeders, going for runs, helping me tarp the deck (long story), and most of all, her lowered stress makes my contact stress disappear. Some day . . .
@CountingDown - I think it would be reasonable to ask him to at least walk the dog with you (or do it himself) now and then. It sounds like you have a lot of other interests to keep you busy.
@CountingDown - my dh started driving for Uber after he retired! It definitely helps that he gets out of the house. He only does it during the day and likes the flexibility of it. Sometimes he drives all day, sometimes part of the day. Sometimes he wants to drive but there isn’t much going on. So, it isn’t perfect. But it’s been a nice transition for him. He feels he is supposed to get up, get out, and earn some money. It isn’t much, but it makes him feel like he is “doing” something. He does exercise often and is part of a run group that has structured events 2-3 times per week.
@Hoggirl I have ridden a few uber rides driven by retirees. They all said the same you say. They liked to get out of house making a little money to buy toys for their grandkids. They were fun to ride with.
Now that kids are (almost) not dependent on us financially, and have all moved out, I’ve decided I’m going to TRY and track my expenses this year, so I can figure out how much I really need to retire.
I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do this, so it won’t be perfect. I charge almost everything, but my husband reimburses me for some things (I shop for Christmas, he pays for half, for example). Sometimes I buy things for the kids, and they reimburse me (like the Mattress set my kid just got and we paid for some of). We paid for a couple of vacations for this year, last year. I haven’t figured out how to account for all this, but I’m going to try to come relatively close. I’m not sure how long I’ll keep it up, but it’s a goal.
@1214mom - As I’ve posted in past, I tracked our credit union “outflow” … cash + checks + withdrawals (including autopays and Visa). The long term averages have been really helpful for retirement planning.
When I updating the spreadsheet (which was just a sheet of paper the first few years), I’ve omitted some non-retirement things like College-payments. I just mentioned them the Notes column. You could do a similar idea to scrub out expenditures that you were reimbursed for.
Note that our situation is simpler than many families. All “outflow” is from same credit union, multiple accounts. So I just do the quick tracking tasks when I balance the checkbook. Which hmm… I need to do now for December 