I think that fear is an issue. She always thinks that she might need it in the future. My dad was even worse about spending money, though in his case, it wasn’t fear but part of the crazy. They had to live like they were impoverished, because" life is about the struggle" and it can’t become too easy. My mom never bought into that, but she adapted and went along with him. My dad was always happy for me to pay for everything and anything, and that was our family dynamic.
I don’t think she would be thinking about the “fair” aspect, though she recently gave them some money to build a fence and made sure I knew. I made it a point to tell her how important it was and how it could save the dogs lives. I’m doing fine and it would make me happy if she gave my sister some money, even if she bought the entire house for them, it doesn’t need to be accounted for in the will. But in case there was any concern about fairness, I’m thinking that if the suggestion came from me, that would take care of it.
I think you are right on the ‘if it came from me’.
I was able to talk my dad into helping my sister buy out her ex by telling him she needed her part of her inheritance early. I don’t think he actually made note of it, but if were his idea to begin with, he could have helped her. Then we would have split what was left when he died.
I think it’s very difficult if the elders were able to survive despite struggling and are unable to see that what they have is enough. It’s very difficult to have them see another path.
So while it would be easy for you to see the advantages of gifting money while still living, it may be too nerve wracking for someone who has never had anyone to depend on and did just fine.
If your mom is not yet comfortable with gifting early, would it be more agreeable if she established a “loan” program for your daughter? All through a third party or lawyer to make it official? 3%-4% return for your mom seems better than daughter paying 7% , PMI, and multiple closing costs. Then perhaps your daughter could afford more, although admittedly nothing seems affordable in western WA currently.
You know, I really hesitate about the loan option. My parents loaned my sis 40K many years ago to help consolidate debt (on my recommendation), and even though she was very diligent about paying it back with interest, on time, my parents weren’t comfortable with it. They criticized any additional spending (for what they considered luxuries like cable tv), and my BIL ended up selling some stock options just to get rid of the loan. Even for that length of time, it really helped my sister get her finances in order, but my parents always looked at it as a mistake. I don’t think either of my parents have ever been financially literate. Amazing that people can make it to retirement successfully and beyond, not having a clue of what they’re doing.
There are sacrifices the couple can make if they are truly ‘desperate’ to move close.
IDK if the husband is also from the NW and if he is also ‘desperate’ to move.
Lots of problems. I say don’t put your oar in the water. These two adults can figure out if they truly want to make a big move like this into a costlier area - including the sacrifices for whatever their perceived gains are.
Is the elderly mom still living at home? If so, maybe she’d like the idea of chipping in on a house where there might be room for her to come stay if needed someday?
They live far more frugally than we do in retirement, I could never critique that. Likely we spend 10X what they do on annual expenses. Her husband is not from this area, however, they moved here many years ago so we could live close and he loved it, as he is an avid hiker. Then his company went under and they moved back to TN to get his old job back (another move they made to be close to us when we lived there).
There is a pattern here. Two times they’ve moved because of us. I love my sister and her husband very much, and am highly motivated to do what it takes to get them here. I doubt that if we weren’t excited and encouraging them to come out, that they would take the leap. I would think that if one of your loved ones wanted to move to where you were and spend the rest of their lives there, that you would “put your oar in the water”.
That is a good point, definitely something to think about. Right now she’s still living at home, in very good physical shape and able to take care of herself. My niece is staying with her now, which is a very good situation, though I know she won’t live there forever.
My MIL finally, at 95, is realizing that she has more than enough to last. She actually said that she now realizes she can’t take it with her, and she wants to spend some on her kids/grandkids while she’s still alive. It was a shock to hear her say that. She doesn’t have millions, but she is realizing that what she has is more than she’ll ever need. It’s translating into slightly larger gifts for family members - nothing life changing, but the joy it’s bringing MIL is nice to see.
I’m not sure that anyone can find an affordable housing situation to buy in the Seattle area from a lower cost of living. It’s just not possible.
Maybe if they are relocating from San Francisco or Southern California. Not from Tennessee where housing is much more affordable.
Sometimes there’s no way.
@busdriver11 i can see why your sister and bil are extremely reluctant to ask you mom for any money. It might be a tough climb for them to accept money even if circumstances have changed. I might be very stubborn if in the same place. Even if the money was offered.
I have two brothers and two sisters. I thought if I became widowed, I might live some months where my older sister lives. That is it.
We investigated housing near where we grew up, but decided overall we are currently happy where we are and also closer to our DDs/Gkids.
Sounds like Sister/BIL don’t have kids and want to do things a lot with you/your spouse, based on what you further explained - or maybe don’t like where their kids current live?
Hard to know if they remember fondly living there and then needing to move back to TN for a job. What happens when the activities that they want to do may not be physically capable anymore, and they had made sacrifices on dwelling place to move. What happens if one spouse dies - do they still want to live there? Quite a lot of ‘what if’ thinking.
You are looking for some ‘advice’ where just the logistics and financial implications are not positive. Maybe they don’t need any encouragement. It depends on how they believe they can live with the same standard of living they have in TN, or are totally willing to move/make sacrifices/believe they will be happy.
If they are now retired, have they come for a long visit, and do they have greater insight than musing about it?
" I doubt that if we weren’t excited and encouraging them to come out, that they would take the leap. " THAT is very telling.
Sure, it would be very scary to move across the country if my sibling wasn’t excited and encouraging about it. If she was ,”Ho hum, whatever”, I don’t think I’d go for it. But I am very close to my sister. If either one of our spouses passed away, she’d move here in a second. One of her daughters lives in Seattle and the other would love to move here, but her husband’s job makes that an impossibility.
They have had many visits here and lived here for a couple of years (besides my sister growing up in Seattle, obviously). They are willing to massively downscale in the size of house and forego the 5 acres of property they have now. It’s too much for them to handle anyways.
I think it really comes down to these options:
Stay where they are until my mother passes away, and then they can use the inheritance to move wherever they like.
Move now and live a couple hours away, making it a long drive for all of us to see each other.
Get some financial assistance to buy a house closer to us all next year. . They have no idea how well off my mother is, nor have they asked her for help. But I might.
If one of my kiddos needed help moving near me, it would be a done deal, I’d spend my days searching for a property and give them whatever help they needed, no strings attached.
Seriously, cable tv is not a luxury! But that gives you an idea of my parents mindset at that time.
I actually have seen things popping up in places not terribly far from Seattle that are around 400K, it’s surprising and gives me hope. Gig Harbor (sure those places went fast, or maybe it was lowball listings), Sultan, Marysville. Wish it was like 2008 where we could snag some short sales.
My sister has been coming out of retirement to do a home business, so maybe that will take off.
5 acres is too much, as much as I like growing things, I don’t think I can deal with 5 acres. On our recent trip we were in the York area in ME, I think it’s a nice area, I saw sign for 6 acres lot, but my husband can’t imagine what to do wth that much land. Maybe we can handle 1/2 an acre but not 5-6 acres.
What about Vancouver, WA, one of my neighbors in the Bay Area has moved to that area, is tgat supposed to be cheaper than Seattle.
Vancouver is a really good suggestion. Nice area and affordable, for sure. Problem is, it’s still three hours from the rest of us. I’d much rather go running or hiking with her every day like we used to, as opposed to visiting once or twice a month. If I could only figure out a way to make it happen. I’ve had issues finding purpose in retirement, but this would definitely fill the hole.
