Hopefully there is some joy in spending time in that location, as well as the wedding and family gathering. It does sound a careful matter for consideration.
My S had a destination wedding to facilitate his wife’s family and friends flying sans American visa issues and expense. D and I adore travel, so were happy to go.
There were very few from our side as my family is small in the first place, and I so appreciated the extended family members that were interested and flush enough to come. The wedding was in a very nice resort, and for the sake of price, my step mom, D and I stayed a short distance away in less extravagant accommodation. I’ve had enough death and infirmity around me in recent years to really appreciate the rare times family can gather. Of course your family experience may be quite different.
Heck, even my D’s close to home wedding prompted financial decisions for family members. Not all who lived out of state were able to afford to travel to our area, and even some in state relatives chose not to travel the several hours for an evening reception because they would need to get a hotel (the wedding & reception were not in our hometown & we also stayed at a hotel). No one had any bad feelings about it. My niece had an afternoon wedding with church reception that was in the middle of the state & in the middle of the afternoon. The older folks attended. D was not upset that they missed her wedding but went to her cousin’s, because she understood that the circumstances were different. We all have to make choices. If we’re close to the parents and/or couple, the decision is always a bit more difficult. I really wanted to attend my very good friend’s S’s wedding, which was in the European country his now-wife is from. Unfortunately, my work schedule would have dictated that it be a whirlwind trip, and I just couldn’t justify it. She understood.
“Destination wedding” = “Do I have to get on a plane?” If yes, the answer is always no, no matter who is getting married or where, and I hope no couple has expectations that out-of-state guests or non-immediate family should attend.
We really struggled with sending invitations or just post-wedding announcements to out-of-state friends (and once-removed family) for our son’s upcoming wedding as we did not want to put pressure on anyone but wanted those closest friends to know how much we’d love to include them, that we consider them “family.” It was the wrong choice. I have felt so bad about all those who’ve called to tell me how much they want to come, but didn’t just want to coldly RSVP “no.” Two said “yes” then backed out, I’m sure due to cost. This was really bad form on my part, as I never should have put those friends in that position. I knew ahead of time exactly who would come and who w/couldn’t, right to the person, and should have sent the announcements instead.
This really belongs on the wedding thread, but I feel strongly that no one has any obligation to travel to any wedding and should feel no guilt about declining.
@ChoatieMom _ we will have to agree to disagree. D and SIL got married in Northern VA (where they both grew up and where we were living at the time). They were living in NYC then. Our family was mostly in Illinois (and a few in Texas), SIL’s family were in DC, Florida and South America.
It was not possible to have a wedding where no one (including parents/grandparents/close family members ) traveled. We even considered rural Illinois, but that was even more inconvenient for many.
psychologically, its really hard to switch from a life-long accumulator of cash to a spender. But spending in retirement is exactly why you accumulated for 40+ years.
fwiw: be careful with credit card spending. IMO, if you can’t pay off the bill every month, don’t buy it. (And don’t get me started on HELOC’s as an Emgergency Fund.)
This. I told my 2 kids that I will pay for a family vacation at least once a year. This year we will be going on a 7 day cruise, our first with their families and all the 4 grandchildren and I am even splurging on 2BR suites for them and 1BR for ourselves. Hoping to create happy memories for all as my father did for my brother’s and my family when the kids were young.
I also told them if we ever need financial assistance down the line(remote possibility) I expect them to pay for our upkeep.
Same here. Zero family or friends on either side live in or near Georgia where the wedding will be held. Only my brother/SIL, my mom(?), DH’s parents, and three of his five siblings will travel to attend. Same with bride’s family, none in Georgia, only her maternal grandparents, mother, and siblings (solo) will travel to attend. They do have a lot of local friends between them, but it will be a small wedding. We certainly had no expectation that anyone outside that list would travel to be there.
These nomadic days, I would be surprised if most couples could find a location convenient for more than a few households.
I think the difference is in the expectations… It is hard nowadays for a wedding to be local for lots of people. But, I would hate to think that a bride/groom (and family) would be upset if a guest couldn’t travel to be there - for whatever reason.
Having spent most of my adult life pinching every penny - and even now I have to be pretty choosy about what we can/can’t do - I would completely understand if someone didn’t come to my kid’s wedding. It’s called an invitation, not a mandatory request. If you’re that close to someone, then they should understand if you can’t make it because of money (or time or health or whatever). Family and friends are supposed to be sympathetic and understanding.
Other than for my kids, I don’t foresee traveling to a wedding if it involved a plane ticket. (and I haven’t done it yet.) Maybe for a niece/nephew, but it would depends on my available funds at the time. If I didn’t go, I could afford to send a bigger gift…
Our financial planner told us that the hardest thing about retirement is you switch from a saver to a spender. But he also reminded us that we saved all those years…so we would be able to spend when we retired.
My DH won’t be taking SS or anything from his sizable 401k until September. But we had a very sizable chunk of money in the bank that we are using. Every time I see the bank statement with lower amounts, I wonder. But then I remember…we saved this money for more than several years just for this purpose.
Re: weddings…we went to four last year…and three required travel to other states. Only one was a relative. We had a great time at each location and event…and wouldn’t trade the money we spent for anything else.
I second this. My husband is retired and not taking SS yet, so we are living off our savings. We have plenty, but it is so strange to keep seeing that balance go down. We have tried to do this smartly. I have a small part-time job (paid by 1099 - so not actually an employee) and our only other income is minimal interest. We are keeping some expenses low by having low income (things like medical insurance through the market which is dirt cheap for us because we have such low income).
When we moved eight years ago, we paid more for the house than we had hoped (needed a small mortgage) and figured we’d be very cautious for a few years until we had to start drawing from IRA’s. Then my mom passed away literally days after we moved and now we are in a considerably better position thanks to inheritance.
My nephew is having a sort of destination wedding (a few hours drive from where they and their friends live, and not much further from fiancée’s parents - our side all have to fly). They’re paying for it themselves - primarily, as I hear, to keep her mother out of the planning. I decided to use my parents’ money to treat us to first class flights cross country (husband and me from one city; son from another). I know my mom would have loved the idea - she’s the one who insisted on treating me to my own balcony cabin when I went with her on her last cruise.
I chose not to feel spendthrift and we will all arrive in a much better frame of mind than flying coach. So it’s kind of a health care decision! Husband thinks I’m nuts, but at least we’re using points for our hotel stay instead of the nutty rates being charged.
We almost never travel or I might not have made this plan.
Yes, that’s definitely what it is, it’s hard to transition to being a spender, after saving for 40 years. To help transition, we built up what we thought was an excessive amount in our checking account. But then we bought a truck, totally remodeled our kitchen, got a new roof and massively paid down our mortgage. Seemed like a better idea to pay down the mortgage than having it sitting there, though with interest rate changes, not so smart.
Didn’t think we’d be getting new credit cards again (except to churn cards for bonuses), but since we bought a big piece of forest property with 401K money (don’t regret that at all), now the choice is either cash out more 401K or Roth in a depressed market, or get 0% interest cards to pay the taxes. Since our retirement funds pay at least a stable 4.5%, seemed like the cards were the better option.
Well there is an understandable mindset I’ve heard more than once, “better to celebrate at weddings than just meet up at funerals”. But in this case it sounds like not a family reunion opportunity.
I think everybody understands that the past year has not been good for retirees (an savers) investment wise. If there would be a family void without you, it might be worth the splurge. But don’t feel obligated if the expense stresses you.
I have 3 nieces/nephews. Went to all the weddings (US locations), 2 when working and 1 in retirement (with our own kids also attending this last one, on their own dime). No regrets.
I think I’m just leery of pulling more money out of our retirement funds. I’m sure it will be fine. Just discussing it here on this forum has helped. It’s a big transition from saving to spending money. I didn’t think it would be so hard.
I have 14 nieces and nephews. Haven’t been to all of their weddings (and some are on the second or third wedding), but I’ve been to many of them. It’s always great to see family, but I’m thinking that I’ll limit it to one wedding per person! Unless it’s local, and most aren’t.
I have over 30 nieces and nephews. Been to every single wedding, including those that require flying. No regrets, and never even a thought of not attending. 5 last year alone. And every single niece and nephew was invited to our sons wedding.
