<p>I am the mother of a freshman girl in college. She is about to come home for a 3-½ month summer break and I am not looking forward to it at all. I should be happy, but instead I dont know what to do. If you see my thread from last summer (Daughter</a> has been lying to me! - College Confidential) you can read the background of the story. Basically my daughter made a new group of friends the summer before college, and with them started drinking and (I learned later) occasionally smoking pot at parties. She left in good terms (as you can read at the end of the thread) and I adopted a wait and see approach. We both have changed of course throughout the year: I have learned to be much more hands off than I ever was before; she has learned to live by herself and survived her first year of college. Some things did not change: her drinking and my attitude towards drinking. I thought that distance and time would teach me to be more tolerant of her behavior, but it hasnt.
Maybe what I have learned about the extent of the drinking both at college and at home during breaks has prevented me from changing. Last year I was under the impression that the drinking wasnt excessive and the group was responsible about it, mostly because when she came home she did not look intoxicated. But during both Christmas and spring break she came home clearly under the influence. Although she was able to stand and walk her speech, balance and cognition were compromised. During a party where the plan was for all to sleep over, the mom of the boy hosting the party asked everyone to leave after her son passed out. She did not come home but instead went to anothers house riding in a car with someone that was at the party and had been drinking. That apparently had been done before, but the person driving drove slow and was careful. At college there have been episodes of drinking to the point of vomiting, blacking out and not being able to remember parts of what happened the night before, unexplained bruising and pain due to falling, etc. I know her physical tolerance for alcohol is greater now than in the past. I also know that she is looking forward to smoking pot with her friends from home because her friends in college dont do it. (She has not told me of any of this herself and she doesnt know I know, but all of these are facts).
As far as academics, her grades did fall her first semester and she earned the first C and C+ of her life, along with a B- and a B+. During HS her grades were As with some Bs on the most challenging AP classes. She has 2 jobs where she spends about 10 hrs/week. Her personal appearance is good, shes still clean and neat and this year started working out regularly at the gym. She tells me her grades have improved this semester, even though the drinking has increased.
So as of today I am bracing for a summer of more of the same. Now we dont fight as much as we used to, unless the subject of drinking comes up. Weve always been very close and she tells me that she gets upset because my opinion matters a lot to her. Her attitude towards all of this is that she likes to have fun, that they are responsible, and finds all of the adventures amusing. Even though, I came to the conclusion that I cant make her do anything or stop her from doing anything. That she is an adult in charge of her own life. That I cant ask her to stop drinking, or to go out to parties, or even to go out with this group of friends. I worry about her behavior and the impact it has on her life and her future.
I dont drink, and I have lived my entire life staying away from people that drink. I have no interest in socializing that way. I have lived pretty much on my own since I was 16. I got pregnant at 19 and while in college neither my younger brother nor I had parties or went drinking. My daughter was 7 when I got my engineering degree. I thought that because she is my daughter that I could tolerate intoxicated people in my house, but I cant live that way. I wrote her a letter a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to set some rules well before she came home. The rules affect her but are mostly for myself. In it I told her that if she were going to go out and drink, she would have to stay somewhere else, unless she didnt feel safe in which case she can come home. I didnt say anything about any curfew because shes supposed to be an adult, during breaks she has come home up to 4 am. She always tells me where she is, and I hope she is being honest about it. But having her come at all hours bothers me a lot no matter what shes doing. I was thinking of telling her not to come home after 1 am whatever she is doing, but I am not sure. The rest of the letter was about academics and summer work. Regarding academics it basically says that Cs are not acceptable and if she gets any this semester I will not pay my portion of the tuition, she will have to get loans or pay from her own money. She also has to get a job all summer. Last summer she was not working and it was only 1-1/2 months, this one is 3-1/2 months, she has to get a job. (She is applying and interviewing everywhere, Im sure shell find something).
The problem I have with all of this is: How much is too much? When is it appropriate to take action to prevent disaster? Should I look the other way when I know shes out mixing drinking and smoking pot? How do I know she is not progressing to more dangerous and destructive behaviors? 3-1/2 months is a long time and even if this is done only on the weekends is it ok?
Sorry for the length, and thank you for your input.</p>
<p>Wow, to be honest, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. But if it is any reassurance, you should know that thousands of college parents around the country are currently going through the same issue as you. </p>
<p>As much as you may love and care about your daughter, it is important to realize how she feels. To her, no one understands what she is going through. Not her family, not her friends, not even her mother. She is most likely at an “independent” stage where she feels it is her life, and no one has the right to interfere. (cliche, I know, but it’s true)</p>
<p>You see, the problem with being a kid, is that there’s just no frame of reference for it. Every generation changes so quickly, that you have no one to look to for help.
The alcohol, the sex, the drugs…they’re all just a means of searching for a new lifestyle, and trying to find who she is. Every teen matures differently and the ‘bad’ choices that come with the change are a simply a byproduct of growing up. </p>
<p>At this point, as sad as it is, there is actually very little you can do. Your daughter will continue to make her own choices, whether your regard them as responsible or irresponsible, and only when she has had enough, will she move on to the next stage of her life.
When my older brother moved out, my parents incessantly worried about him. They knew he drank, smoked, and wasted his money, but there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. It is, no doubt, one of the most frustrating experiences for a parent, because your child is no longer under your control, yet she is still “immature” and will continue to make irresponsible decisions. </p>
<p>The only thing you can do is hope for the best, and try to convince her not to take the alcohol too far. I’m sure your daughter is a smart kid, but sometimes you just don’t know when you’ve had enough. And if anything bad does happen (God forbid) hopefully it will be one of the experiences which allows your daughter to realize the folly of her lifestyle, and adopt a new perspective on life. As unpleasant as it is to hear, it often takes some seriously bad experience to give someone a reality check and allow them to reconsider their life…from pain comes pleasure.</p>
<p>As for the pot issue…completely disregard it. As long as she knows how to do it without getting caught, she will honestly be fine. If anything, more weed will steer her away from alcohol, as she realizes the hangovers are not worth it haha. Like I said, also a factor of growing up. </p>
<p>Believe it or not, you really don’t have it that bad. Just thank God your daughter isn’t getting into harder drugs. I personally know one student who goes to school in New Hampshire, and his parents drove 8 hours after getting a call that he ODed on opiates and was in the ICU. (awful situation for a parent…I can’t even imagine the drive up there) </p>
<p>Honestly, it seems like you understand the ups and downs of parenthood pretty well, and you don’t seem overly strict or cautious. As long as you don’t suffocate your daughter, but still manage to show some care and concern, you and your family will be perfectly fine. </p>
<p>It’s a tough stage in your life (and hers) but just hang in there and don’t give up hope!
Good luck</p>
<p>You are not alone. I am truly sick of the accepted drinking at schools. Unfortunately, there is not a lot we can do about it other than monitor grades. We have told our last in college if the grades do not hold up we no longer pay for college. I think it is a fair exchange. We work too hard and it is not fair to her dad and I to pay for excessive partying. Perhaps if you set down some rules. There are too many parents out there who think all of the partying is party of the college experience. I am getting so sick of it. good luck</p>
<p>I would set down some rules, but I’d talk to her in person first and see if you two could agree on some basic parameters- like not mixing drinking and driving (even if she isn’t driving) and what time to be home by, etc. I would also be concerned about the pot smoking, unlike the student above, if it is more than an occasional thing. Is she aware of what could happen if she is caught with pot in the car or on her person by law enforcement? Good friends of mine have had to hire a lawyer to help their college aged son stay out of jail for pot possession. She may scoff that she’d get caught, but it happens every day, and the more comfortable kids get with drugs the more likely they are to get caught.</p>
<pre><code>I do think there are things you can do. Talk to her, set some ground rules and have some agreed-ahead of time consequences for breaking the rules. It sounds like she’s enjoying her college experience- that’s great, and it’s also leverage. I would not hesitate to stop paying for college if my kid continued to abuse alcohol and other drugs, or continued to lie and sneak around. You work too hard to support these things that you know are hurting her, and it seems that she is taking your support and generosity for granted. She’s abusing your trust and love. Good luck- you are not alone, as others have said. Most parents look the other way and hope for the best. I don’t think I could do that, and I sense that you can’t, either.
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<p>She is lying to you because the truth is unacceptable to you. I’m not saying it should be acceptable, just saying.
I would use legal arguments when talking about drinking and driving because she has heard all the others.
The legal argument i would use is that the driver can be doing everything right and still end up in prison.
Suppose a drunk is walking on the shoulder of the highway at night. You are driving 25 mph in a 40 mph zone. The drunk turns around to see you approaching, loses his balance and stumbles into the hwy. Through no fault of your own, the man is killed. If you are stone cold clean and sober you do not even get a ticket. However, because you register over the minimum limit, you are convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to time in prison. Any accident, no matter whose fault, will have very negative consequences. Furthermore, if it is your fault and someone is killed, you are spending years in prison.
I would use 2 am rather than 1</p>
<p>“Unfortunately, there is not a lot we can do about it…”</p>
<p>There is absolutely no reason the college president should not hear of your displeasure at his running a high-priced saloon.</p>