How my Berkeley Experience Landed Me in the Loony Bin - Real Student Experience

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of California - Berkeley
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<p>Aw man, the mods took down my relevant links to artwork I did to illustrate my story, a link to a video of professor auroux depicting what sitting in his math 53 class was like, a link to a website with other students’ ratings and opinions of Peyam, and a link to the forums where I have documented my progress with anhedonia/numbness/psychiatric symptoms, discussed experiences with other sufferers, discussed theories behind the illness, and discussed possible cures.</p>

<p>Lame!</p>

<p>Well if you want the links, message me.</p>

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<p>accidently posted in the other ‘wow’ thread …reposting
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/johns-hopkins-university/884322-johns-hopkins-undergard-warning.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/johns-hopkins-university/884322-johns-hopkins-undergard-warning.html&lt;/a&gt;
[The</a> happy mask: Carnegie Mellon must address stress culture - The Tartan Online](<a href=“http://thetartan.org/2012/12/3/forum/mentalhealth]The”>The happy mask: Carnegie Mellon must address stress culture - The Tartan)
[This</a> Just In: Princeton Students Are More Stressed Than You > daily princetonian, Dinky Line, eating clubs, Princeton, stress, Tuition | IvyGate](<a href=“http://www.ivygateblog.com/2011/02/this-just-in-princeton-students-are-more-stressed-than-you/]This”>http://www.ivygateblog.com/2011/02/this-just-in-princeton-students-are-more-stressed-than-you/)
[From</a> Stanford to Yale to Columbia, The Daily Beast Ranks the Most Stressful College Campuses - The Daily Beast](<a href=“From Stanford to Yale to Columbia, The Daily Beast Ranks the Most Stressful College Campuses”>From Stanford to Yale to Columbia, The Daily Beast Ranks the Most Stressful College Campuses)</p>

<p>Anyway, though it is informative to hear 1-2 folks review, I think people should take all this with a grain of salt. Yes, college, especially competitive colleges ARE NOT EASY. </p>

<p>Some folks are not cut out for some colleges…plain and simple. Another acquaintance goes to san diego state and thriving there. Find your fit. I have met many berkeley students who do love the environment. </p>

<p>Hope people make their own decisions and not get discouraged by all this negativity. If you aren’t the type to thrive in competitive colleges where you have to swim on your own the most part, go to a place where you can fit with your personality.</p>

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<p>I agree with Ankur in that at first when I went to Berkeley looking for clubs to join (especially during “Calapalooza”) I was sorely disappointed. It’s sad for me to say this, but at a school with 40,000+ kids, I was more disappointed with the club selection than my high school of only less than 1,000. As Ankur pointed out, there is a lot of racial segregation. I walked around and every other club was “Asian” this or “Latino” that. Some clubs are even segregated by gender. What I really DID NOT want to do was get involved with some political, racial, or academics based club. My political ideology does not fit into a neatly-fit category, I did not fit into any of the available racial groups, and I was already bogged down by academics. I was looking for a fun, creative outlet. They probably had some sort of sports club or two, but, meh, I’m not too into sports. What I was looking for was something like animation, art, drawing, writing, building/inventing, film, etc. where I could express myself, be creative, have fun, and meet other people/meet with other people regularly.</p>

<p>I found that there was an arts club, but they NEVER had ANY meetings. I didn’t really find much else. I joined Cal Solar car club because I wanted to build something in real life, but I wasn’t allowed to do anything really as a “noobie.” I had to basically fight to be given a job to do in the club. I guess I didn’t really have the energy to pursue that. </p>

<p>I was so disappointed that I decided to make my own club. I did all the paperwork and everything and turned it in - following all the instructions. It never showed up on the Cal website like all the other clubs for some reason. It was harder to get people to attend my club than the clubs I had in High School. I guess Berkeley kids are just too busy.</p>

<p>I was thinking a bit more about the racial segregation and why people care so much about race and feel the need to segregate/form clubs around it. To me, race and ethnicity are so superficial and shouldn’t matter at all - people should be treated like people - so I was a bit annoyed to see that other people were supporting the idea that skin color or where you were from should be the basis for who you associate with. What I came to realize at Berkeley, though, is that I really wished that I could associate with more like-minded people to me. I missed the type of people I was familiar with in my home town. I guess many other people feel the same way. If you grew up in China Town or something, you might feel more comfortable around Asian people and want to be surrounded by a body of like-minded people to support you. It’s not racist, it’s just simply that people grow affinities towards the types of people that they grew up with. Someone growing up in a more diverse area might not feel as compelled to join a racially segregated club. To prove my point, it’s no surprise that I think a majority of people tend to marry within their race (just look at Obama). It’s probably not even conscious - sort of like why I like freckles and redheads (I don’t know?).</p>

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<p>^ Did you start a “Love a Ginger Kid” club? :)</p>

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<p>First of all, I am really sorry Berkeley was not what you expected it to be. I hope your life is better now…didn’t read all of the long posts.</p>

<p>That being said, your posts are starting to sound “whiny”, “nothing happened the way I wanted…”…kind. Believe me, the world gets only tougher at work. I think you should just move on, rambling on and on in these boards may help blow up steam but you would be so much more at peace by just moving on, doing really well at another university that may be a great fit for you. On another note, a work colleague of mine just went to CSU east bay and did her Comp Science and 8 years later, she is a VP of a very well known company. Just saying…</p>

<p>Life is going to throw you curve balls and challenges. It is upto to you to take the high road and move on…While I appreciate this forum is of “free speech and such” i think there is some responsibility on all to provide objective views in these forums where teens hang on to anything and everything that is said on the internet.</p>

<p>To all - the best thing you can do in college- build yourself a support network of friends…you will be able to weather most storms that come to you. Yes, you are not going to be able to start that club, be the president, get your A’s but if you have the support and network of a good number of friends, you will find you can find your niche. </p>

<p>And yes, would-be Engineers. The first 2 years are incredibly tough…but honestly it gets better. And GPA is counted at the end of graduation…At least that is the way it was. So stick with it, work hard…and if you just can’t cut it in a year or two, yes, do transfer out. People do that all the time…and find somewhere else where they can be a better fit.</p>

<p>If I were an employer, you would come out as being very inflexible and believe me, there are folks like that at work and they complain and complain and noone really gets along with them and they are left on their own. Not saying you are one of them but just cautioning you to look ahead and take the positive out of any situation. Complaining and sounding bitter wont do much good…Anyway, best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>OP, I am sorry about your difficulties and wish you the best in your future.</p>

<p>I think fit is very important. My youngest son just got accepted to Berkeley but he is going to a lower ranking college. Some of his reasons are he doesn’t want to be in a high pressure environment, he doesn’t like the campus/city with the homeless …</p>

<p>It would be good for students to see beyond the rankings and choose what is the best for them.</p>

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<p>Fall2016parent, I’m sorry if I’m coming across as “whiny,” but it seems as though EVERY person I come across asks me the same questions… “why did you leave Berkeley?” Up until now, I couldn’t really give them a straight answer. I could provide a few anecdotes, but they didn’t really capture the essence of why I left. It took literally 20 typed pages to organize and describe why. </p>

<p>I’m not just complaining about my problems either, I’m posting here specifically to provide insight that some might not see on the glamorous surface of such a school. I don’t even tell most of my friends the details. Most of my friends don’t even know that I’m going to probably have ECT.</p>

<p>There is a difference between being inflexible and refusing to tolerate what is clearly bull shi-t. As you can see, I don’t take cr-ap. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say, while the “nice guy” “yes-man” gets trampled over. I have had many jobs and each of my employers have been satisfied and I NEVER complained about work that I was choosing to do where SOMEONE ELSE paid me - even getting up before 4am doing manual labor for minimum wage. A service that YOU are paying for that you are dissatisfied with is something different entirely. Imagine spending $200 without a refund on a Disneyland ticket, and then not getting what you paid for - all the rides were closed, there was no shade or water, it was hot and crowded, the staff were rude and negligent, etc. You can either let it pass and be passive, letting them walk all over you, or not. Imagine how I feel after spending thousands and thousands of dollars investing in going to this college!</p>

<p>No, I did not start a “love ginger’s club;” my club focused on building gadgets and electronics.</p>

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<p>Trevor was so dismayed by his Cal experience that he voiced his displeasure on Yelp:</p>

<p>[Trevor</a> N.'s Reviews | Simi Valley | Yelp](<a href=“http://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=sdCsKmfLFsv-bNT-MeXIlg]Trevor”>Trevor N.'s Reviews | Simi Valley - Yelp)</p>

<p>“If you want to know what everyone is hiding - what UC Berkeley is REALLY like”</p>

<p>Yeah bro, because we are all hiding stuff and s***.</p>

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<p>I know you didn’t, BerkeleySurvivor. It was my lame attempt at humor.</p>

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<p>Trevor – after some googling I found your posts on a forum about depression.</p>

<p>As a disclaimer, I want to say that I don’t ever exhibit this type of stalker-like behavior. But I’ll be honest, your story scared the **** out of me. Berkeley has been my dream school for years. And now that I finally have the opportunity to go there, I want to know as much as possible about the person who is telling me that it is awful.</p>

<p>So I found your posts. In several of them, you talked about your suicidal girlfriend and how your relationship and breakup with her “were actually large factors” in your illness. In another post, you listed issues that contributed. Several were roommate issues, moving, the girlfriend, and a loss of your support structure. These seem very external to Berkeley itself, and things that would have caused a breakdown at any school. Finally, in a post from March, you indicated that you considered returning to Berkeley to complete your degree.</p>

<p>I understand that there were aspects of Berkeley that you were unhappy with. I understand that there was an immense academic pressure that caused social isolation, and resulted in a positive feedback cycle. But do you truly believe, as you stated in your novel of a post, that the institution of Berkeley is the sole cause of your disease? I am not trying to be accusatory. As someone who has suffered from mental health issues as well, I truly sympathize. But I don’t understand why you’re going to multiple places on the internet to bash the school, when on a different forum you acknowledge a multitude of causes and genetic predisposition.</p>

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<p>Many students are encouraged to believe that taking and getting 5’s on AP tests means that they are as prepared as anyone else to be successful in college. However, high school math does not prepare students for Math 53 and Math 54 (or even Math 1A and Math 1B). Students from some private schools and many international schools do not have the same limitations as California public schools and thus many of their students will come better prepared. It is an illusion that every student has the same chance to get A’s in the UCLA and Cal math and science classes when in fact, those slots were already taken before the students even started class. Think of it like the starting lineup was already determined before the walk-ons arrived. Some walk-ons will make it as a starter, but the majority won’t. Most students coming from California public high schools are competing with each other to get the B’s and C’s.</p>

<p>The issue is that some very capable students are being screened out too early in the process. If they were not good enough to make it through their freshman or sophomore year (whether that means C’s to some or B’s to others), why accept them into the program at all?</p>

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<p>I’m actually really scared to go to Berkeley now.I’m an EEP major.</p>

<p>Should I strongly consider going to UCLA for the less pressured environment, even though their business program is nothing like Haas? I really don’t want to end up with a **** poor GPA and zero social life because of the competitive nature of Cal… I’d much rather be at UCLA, which is a great school still, and study my ass off and hopefully maintain a higher GPA than the one that I’d gain if I went to Cal…</p>

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<p>Dude, EECS is not the same as HAAS or any other major. Your experience may vary.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to scare anybody, take everything with a grain of salt. If I was you, I would go to Berkeley if you got in, then leave after a year or a semester if it wasn’t for you. Just cut your losses early if it doesn’t work out and you will be fine. You will transfer fine. Your gpa won’t be affected too badly by like a semester or a year maybe. The illness only started after my second year, but I knew after my first year that the school wasn’t for me. I just kept going because I felt like I had to since I worked so hard to get into the school.</p>

<p>I was thinking about going back to Berkeley, but I decided against it to prevent the worsening of the illness and because I found a better career path.</p>

<p>Yes, my girlfriend at the time did contribute to the stress. In an earlier post I mentioned that if you have a lot of stress in your life already, Cal might not be the best place for you. You need to dedicate your time and be okay with it. My girlfriend was possibly bipolar and would text me all the time. I was afraid that I would lose her and she was the first person I’ve ever been in a serious deep relationship with. My brain was just wired to be obsessed with her. We fought often over stupid things and I really tried my best to be kind, patient, and rational, but in the end, we just weren’t compatible. I guess I tried to force the relationship to work when it couldn’t. I was too naive and too much of a “nice guy” and “wishy washy,” so she felt that it was okay to look down on me. Ironically, though, at times she was really clingy. What a mess! But I doubt anyone who clicked on this thread is interested in hearing about my love life.</p>

<p>Remember that if you go to Cal thinking that your experience will be horrible, then it probably will because you will be looking for reasons to validate your concerns. Many people really love the school and speak highly of it and do fine.</p>

<p>My advice is go, don’t be afraid to try it out, and make a decision about it as soon as you can. After a semester or two you should know enough about the environment to get a feel for if the school is for you. If it isn’t LEAVE. Don’t hesitate! Also, I doubt that only a semester or two would be enough to make you as insane as I went.</p>

<p>A good indicator that the school is “not for you” is if your heart drops or your stomach turns when you look at the number of classes you have to take left and groan knowing that you have to stay at the school for ____ more years.</p>

<p>The stress-diathesis model of mental illness, remember, predicts that illness is triggered in vulnerable individuals after a certain stress THRESHOLD is reached. You should be able to gauge your own threshold. If you are struggling, you will know. Don’t just “bite the bullet” and feel like you have to stay or that you are a failure or giving up so much if you don’t stay if things are too much. A single big stressor isn’t usually enough to trigger anything. Prolonged and repeated extreme stressors can trigger something. Everything builds to hit that threshold. While my girlfriend contributed some stress, it was the stress of everything collectively that surpassed that threshold. I think that everybody has different natural thresholds.</p>

<p>The earlier depression is treated, the more treatable, shallower, and temporary it is. As time progresses, the longer you are in an episode, the more difficult and treatment resistant it becomes. If you feel something strange going on that is more than just a temporary sad or down mood, GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY. I wish I would have. I remember that the depression went away for a week after all the stress of finals was removed, but then I quickly relapsed while still in Berkeley and had to leave in February of that year in the beginning/middle of my 4th semester. This time, I would never see a full remission again. If I hadn’t stayed in Berkeley, perhaps the remission would have been sustained. Who knows?</p>

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<p>Thank you for this, it’s really interesting. I do still think that Cal is the place for me, but it’s nice to hear a more realistic view on things rather than the constant “it’s the greatest place in the world!” you hear from the college itself.</p>

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<p>From post #13 from BerkeleySurvivor, I would actually have to say I do have a similar experience to you as a double major in computer science and cognitive science but I live 10 minutes away since birth, am pretty liberal, I see my family every weekend, got the full ride scholarship so costs aren’t an issue, not looking for a “partner” as I have a long term boyfriend high school sweetheart, and so forth. </p>

<p>Out of all the things you numbered down on a list above I actually can say that I do qualify. But I do believe that #10) Are taking an “easier” major is the one that actually determines if you have a great UC Berkeley experience or not. In the CS classes I had to take, I was waitlisted in almost all of them…not because I didn’t Phase I it but because I didn’t take enough high school AP courses so my TeleBEARs was later than others trying to take it. I took one of the 61 series CS course with Hilfinger, bad idea. And got waitlisted and dropped in another 61 series CS course. I had many setbacks at Cal but I’m still trying to get a degree from here. I had to do summer classes to keep myself on track towards earning a degree “on time”. </p>

<p>But I do sympathize with you, I do often times consider the idea of transferring away. However I go back to thinking about how hard I worked to even get here that I shy away from the idea. Happened multiple times but Berkeley does break you down. It’s not similar to high school where we got 4.44+ GPAs and were always able to enroll into classes. The professors sometimes do not care too and to some professors, being horrible is seen as a good thing —> i.e, notorious Hilfinger who even introduced himself as that in the first lecture.</p>

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<p>I would recommend that any prospective student trying to get a better vibe of Berkeley from this post should take this opinion with a gain of salt. Everyone has difference experiences at Cal and it’s hard to gauge how a university is from one person’s unique situation. That being said, I am an alum of the College of Engineering and I empathize with some of the points made in the OP’s post. </p>

<p>I agree that the housing situation at Berkeley is poor; if you have high standards of living, be prepared to live in really expensive apartments, in relatively poor conditions, or relatively far away from campus (or a combination of the three). I also understand that being in a tough environment like Cal, a majority of the students start questioning whether they even deserve to be here. Additionally, I would say students particularly in engineering tend put academics as a priority over everything else (which makes sense since they are in Berkeley Engineering), but it does mean you have less time to spend on other activities. You also have to be a bit careful in choosing your classes (especially lower division) because there are some professors that are notorious for failing half their students (Ratner, Hilfinger, Sethian to name a few). </p>

<p>That being said, Berkeley does have great qualities. Since it is such a big school, there is something for everyone; the only caveat is that you have to find your niche. The same thing can also be said of opportunities; you have to seek them, but there are a lot out there. The restaurants in the Berkeley area are pretty decent as well, and most places are accessible by public transit. </p>

<p>I like to think that all the curveballs thrown at you build character. Cal has some outstanding professors and outstanding students. Unfortunately it is the bad ones that leave a bad taste in our mouths that we tend to vocalize more.</p>

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<p>@BerkelySurvivor I wish you the best and hope that now and in the future, you remember to value your mental/physical health and your happiness over everything else.</p>

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<p>My heart breaks for you. You should have gone to Yale- more your politcal speed - produced W! right, white, Jesus follower. Contray to others, I believe you emphatically. And I’m scared for my son who I just signed up for summer Math 54.</p>

<p>At our local landgrant-flyoverstate U, they do DiffEq in one 3-credit semester and later Linear Algebra in one 3-credit semester: 6 total semester credits spread over one year. Berzerk squishes all this into one 4 credit semester. i told my son to put on his seat belt, and now perhaps a seat belt is not enough considering your rambling prose.</p>

<p>My son should stay here, where he’s a star, catered to, special, lots of money, doesn’ have touse his GIBill dad transfered to him and can save it for grad school which will then be worth $168,000. The bar is much lower here and there is no polisci business econ program - none that would get one out of our state. he could graduate at 20 with a materials engineering, geothermal energy newables minor, a touch of poli sci and keep up with his Princeton level math for Econ perhaps else where MBA or what ever, Wall Street. he wants to do his lobbying deal -DC and this equivocates to a JD, and he’s have the cash for Big name law school.Georgetown harvard yale columbia.</p>

<p>alas our NYC lobby guy, CAL alum said, do ugrad big name and pick up a jd to increase your power and pay adn work in DC or NYC where lobbyists make themost cause they are the crookedest politicians for bribes and favors and deals… so back to cal.</p>

<p>what was your SAT , ACT to get in. Your writing scores were low due to having to take R1A, a “5” AP ENG comp/lang/or lit gets you out of R both semesters. What about your math? how was your calc prep? AB? BC? 3’s 5’s? I am scared, very scared now ,more since reading your story. I’d always wished mys onto go to a topflight LAC: Williams where the crap you endured at CAL does not exist. there are NO TAs or what ever youcall them: gsi’s or something.</p>

<p>CAL was a bad choice for you. Advice: get off the drugs, keep upwith your exercise and classses and job and go through themotions of what people do who are not depressed and your mind will catch up if YOU are on top of your diet. Be very careful what you eat: more powerful than your psych drugs. No sugar at all, try easing off things till you feel better: two weeks no dairy, later 2 weeks no wheat, etc. that alone should have you feelign better. vitamins. When iworked in SFBay we got people off drugs. </p>

<p>Your shock therapy. Don’t do it. its just as barbaric as hydo therapy: no idea of what they’re doing, completely unscientific. fries your brain and severe memory disturbance and it comes back sometimes andyou remember and get sick again. No magic pill. </p>

<p>You went through Ericksons youth adolescnece/adulthood crisis and didn’t succeed due to where youwere and circumstance. you had a post pyschotic depression which can take a couple years torecover, not permanent. do not take psych drugs: they will notallow youto cathart and get over it. inventor of thorazine at stanford inthe 50’s never intended this psychotropics to be long-term. You are healthy, by 25, you’llhardly remember not feeling able to so much as move or bathe, but youwill return to normal or better.</p>

<p>No sleep is the precurser and must-have ingredient for a psychotic episode, exacerbated by malnutrition is a recipe for a disaster: yours.</p>

<p>Get as far away as you can from inpatient and drug shrinks . Try to find Marc Levine MD or Irwin Gootnick MD psychoanalysts in SF or similar. Psych is run by drug companies and who ever is trying to shock you should be shot. I’m an RN specialized in psychiatry working inthe finest SF institutions, menigers sF Bay campus Burlingame, Marin General, UCSF Mt Zion psychanalytic institute. get away.</p>

<p>believe in yourself and your brain. Phenomnology, a course i took summer at CAL when i was going to get my masters and decide I DIDN’T WANT</p>

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<p>i COULd write more, but amsleepyand not going to even edit this soyouall can read it. but goo luck to you. remember, your experience is real and valid, you were vulnerable and sensitive. You will be find. aloha</p>

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<p>If anyone is interested in reading more about my experience with my psychiatric symptoms, since I cannot give a link, just google “depression forums,” go to the “depression central” subforums, and my thread should be pinned near the top and called “curing anhedonia/numbness/apathy” or something like that.</p>

<p>At first, I was really reluctant to go on any psych drugs at all. I was scared and flat out refused. I was under the opinion that they would mess with my mind, were not natural, addictive, and were ultimately harmful. I started exercising - and I mean hardcore. I ran across the city I live in a few times. I went out to see friends and tried to be social. I was eating healthy enough, taking vitamins and such. </p>

<p>After a while, I noticed that it was not working, and things were actually getting worse. I watched a “Dr. Oz” special where he talked about natural ways to treat depression using supplements. I spent $200 on various supplements. None of them seemed to have an effect besides sleepiness on melatonin/valerian, and extreme agitation on l-theanine. </p>

<p>It was around this time that I went to the psych ward. Talking things out and expressing my emotions was not beneficial in attacking the root of the depression - I also was not thinking negatively - I like to think that I take an objective view on things as much as possible - so I did not find therapy useful. I was usually more analytical than my therapists. I was desperate to get better, since the “natural” things were not helping, so I started taking Effexor for about 2 weeks. The psych doc asked me how I felt on it, and I told her I didn’t feel any different really. She switched me to Wellbutrin for a couple of days, then asked the same question. I said the same thing. She then told me that there were no “miracle cure pills” and sent me back home.</p>

<p>I found it strange that most of the pills that I have tried did not seem to have any effect on me at all besides the psychostimulants which were riddled with issues and not sustainable. The MAOI Parnate is my most recent med to try, and it has been the first med to have done anything in a long time - but the dopamine-related effects faded after a few days like they did with the stimulants, and I am now just left with the effect serotonin has on mood. </p>

<p>Unlike what is commonly thought, serotonin is not a “pleasure” or “happiness” neurotransmitter, and thus antidepressants are not habit-forming. You will not get cravings to take an antidepressant. Serotonin is an inhibitory neurotransmitter which essentially helps “level you out” by silencing over-active limbic activity that causes anxiety and low moods. Unfortunately, if anhedonia and emotional numbness are your main symptoms, raising serotonin might make them worse, since it also inhibits pleasure circuits. I have found that the Parnate has cut out the lows but has not actually <em>lifted</em> my baseline mood back to pre-depression euthymic levels.</p>

<p>It seems that the psych drugs are more useless than harmful.</p>

<p>ECT is a gamble that I am willing to take to get myself back.</p>

<p>My suggestion for anyone is not to not go to CAL, but to not be afraid to leave if you go there and it isn’t a place you enjoy. Don’t just stay there for the name or because you worked hard to get there. Perhaps my mistake wasn’t going there in the first place, but rather staying there was my mistake.</p>