How often do you talk to your college kid??

Parents Forum
1

<p>I was in a discussion recently about how often parents (moms) expect to hear from their new college students and thought I'd ask here about the experience of others. One mom said she just "had" to hear from her son daily, which seemed a bit excessive to me. But maybe with cell phones and free long distance, it's not excessive?? One dad said he had no problem calling his daughter's cell phone whenever he felt like it, since he was paying the bill for it!</p>

<p>Maybe the techie means of communication like IMs and email are the best bet?? I don't know how to IM, but surely I can learn!!</p>

<p>We remembered back to the dark ages--how we stood in line waiting to use the only pay phone on the floor. We laughed about how we developed secret codes to avoid the collect charges! I think I went away to school with the expectation that I'd check in with my family every Sunday afternoon. Don't remember that it was a burden or even a point of discussion. </p>

<p>One mom said she knew her son's class schedule and called him every day as he was walking to his morning classes. I know there are parents who make the wake-up call every morning and remind young Joey when his English papers are due. I don't want to be that kind of mom!! Helicopter comes to mind!!</p>

<p>Guess I'm trying to strike a balance between giving my kid independence while still keeping the lines of communication open. I'm smart enought to know that we'll figure it out, but I'm really going to miss having teenagers in my life! They have such energy and are so much fun!</p>

<p>Sorry for rambling. How have you worked this out at your house??</p>

2

<p>We haven't worked it out yet, but my experience from CTY camp tells me that my son is unlikely to feel any great need to talk to us. I think it's good to foster independence, so I think we'll do what my parents did which is agree on a good time to call once a week. There's always e-mail or IM too.</p>

3

<p>I hear from my daughter anywhere from every few days (if a lot is going on), to once a week or so. Right from the beginning we left it for her to call us when and if she wants to, instead of us calling her. We have predictable schedules; she does not. It works out very well. :)</p>

4

<p>Our daughter just finished her second year. With a cell-phone we find that we'll talk several times a week. Either she'll initiate the call or we will. She'll call us in between classes or in the evenings. With our cell phone plan, and probably most plans, the calls are free. This allows a lot of impromptu type calls which keeps the lines of communcation open.</p>

<p>With digital cameras, we get pictures periodically of what's going on as well. All of this technology has just made it easier, cheaper and more seamless to stay in touch.</p>

5

<p>I don't hear from my two sons in college that much. But, in my ideal world, I would like to hear from them once every week or two weeks. I know, cell phones have changed things for a lot of people, and some talk daily with their kids. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my relationship with my kids. But then again, I wonder what they talk about every day. I know one mother who would <em>have breakfast</em> every day on the cell phone with her daughter. Which seems sweet. But on the other hand, why doesn't her daughter socialize at breakfast with the kids at her school? To each his own, I guess . . .</p>

6

<p>I remember reading a thread like this 3 years ago as we prepared to send my oldest son off to college. From his camp history we knew that he would initiate contact infrequently (and that's being generous). We also knew that as our oldest child we would like to know that he was adjusting to his new environment, etc. So we took a suggestion from other CC parents and asked for a weekly phone call from him. We let him decide (after he was at school and understood the flow of his days) when the best time would be. Turned out to be later Sunday afternoon. He hasn't chafed under this request, we don't spend head time wondering how he is or when we'll hear from him. It has reduced stress and anxiety all around. We mostly listen when we do connect - to what he's doing, how it's going, etc. He knows we're here if he needs us in between times, but he hasn't needed to exercise that option. As he progressed through his sophomore year the calls are often shorter than they used to be - he's busier and, I think, needs the connection to home less (as do we). But we still connect weekly. I think it establishes a value for continued connection as we start to spread out geographically and he starts to establish his own life. I think if we hadn't taken this approach we could easily go months without hearing from him...</p>

7

<p>We had a lot of discussion over this in my family during freshman year. We are down South and my daughter in school in New York. I read on CC last year that calling was not usually a good idea, and I took that to heart and for the most part let her do the calling when she needed something (money) or had really good news to share (professor's comments, etc.). I did, however, learn to IM and tried to say hello everyday by IM. She complained at first that even that was excessive. According to her, many of her friends go weeks without talking to their parents. Since many of these friends live in the NJ/NY area and go home for weekends fairly regularly, I pointed out to her that those parents were actually getting a lot more time with their children than I was with a 5 minute IM per day just to catch up on whether anything new was going on or same old thing. We finally settled into that routine.</p>

8

<p>For us-- a one paragraph email with news every couple of days, a one line email every day with a funny link to something once a day. The official "I'm alive" phone call once a week at a set time. The unofficial "girlfriend dumped me" or "I got a great summer job" phone call as needed. We never did IM; I think the kids found it too intrusive; we rarely called them-- always seemed like they were asleep when we did even at noon on Sunday.</p>

<p>This worked for them and for H. I would have loved to talk more frequently, but this was better for them-- they actually had "news" during the 1X week official call, instead of me spending the time asking intrusive questions.... there was stuff to talk about.</p>

9

<p>I'm planning to suggest a once weekly call whenever son wants, but I'm betting Sunday afternoon as he settles down to study will work. I'll probably e-mail frequently, but I'll tell him I don't expect quick answers. And I expect to send snail-mail postcards and care packages regularly, especially the first year. We have Skype here, so if he wants to get one there and use it, fine, but only if he wants. I have friends whose daughters call daily or even multiple times daily, sometimes in crisis and needing support, sometimes just checking in. I doubt my young man will call that frequently, though I certainly hope he will if he needs help. Normal is different for every family.</p>

10

<p>My son calls us; in general I don't call him unless there is something I need to tell him. He usually calls once to several times a week, always in between classes- walking or waiting. We chat for just a few minutes. He like to call when he has something to <em>say</em>- a particularly difficult test, an interesting lab (like the time his professor accidentally lit himself on fire during class), basically anything he's excited about. Last night he called to tell us he was going to be the hall representative for his dorm, whatever that is.</p>

11

<p>We rarely get a call, but when we do, it's to me and it lasts for an hour. That was a surprise, as he's a son, but maybe it shouldn't have been since he often unloaded when he got home from school in HS. But we never bother him on the phone unless there's a specific life detail that needs handling--bank stuff, etc--and I know he appreciates that. He's very independent and is working for much of what his scholarship doesn't cover. I know he appreciates being treated like the adult his behavior makes him. </p>

<p>The result is that, even in Guadalajara this summer, he bought a phone card that allowed him to call us for a half hour block a couple of times. It's been wonderful. I don't think he would have wanted to if we'd harassed him about not calling when he doesn't for a few weeks at a time. (After all, he takes a very heavy course load and works as an RA as well as another occasional job--he has enough to do!) We still send e-mails whenever we want to. He responds to about one in three, more right now since I'm trying to do them in Spanish, and that amuses him.</p>

<p>You have to handle this the right way for your son or daughter's character. Mine is a true adult at an early age, and I am delighted when he chooses to share his life with me. Asking him to call on a schedule? I'd hate being asked to do that, so I wouldn't ask it of him.</p>

12

<p>Usually once a week, but sometimes it stretches into two. I initiate about 60% of the calls. He's always so busy and I don't know his class schedule so it's hard to catch him except on the weekend, so most calls are on Sunday afternoon. We usually talk for at least an hour and he seems to really enjoy the calls.</p>

<p>We also send the occasional email, either a "how ya doin" email or with a specific question that needs answering. I also send him interesting links to stuff maybe once a week. He usually responds to email promptly. His first year we used IM but he doesn't use it much anymore.</p>

<p>My soon to be freshman will never call unless a disaster has happened. He hates the phone and doesn't like email much either. I'm sure I won't talk to him as much.</p>

13

<p>I just finished my first year of college and my parents left it up to me to decide how little or how often I called home. I called at least once a day and my mom and I would talk for at least an hour. If we had to cut the conversation short, I would call back later that day. My mom is definitely my best friend, so I can't imagine not being able to call her constantly.</p>

<p>But, I know some people (boys mostly) who only call there parents once every couple of months!!! That seems crazy to me...</p>

14

<p>Good advice here and much is similar to what we established. I asked for a once/week "I'm alive" check-in by phone. I certainly don't think that's an excessive expectation. Sundays tend to be the times that many students find work best and that's what D decided. I'll often get additional calls -- many lasting an hour if something interesting or stressful is going on. This has been the most pleasant surprise. I never expected that she would initiate calls that lasted an hour and carry the conversation. We do email now and then as well -- especially if there is something I need to tell her. I do not call her unless there is some urgency. Her Dad IMs occasionally but D says that's rather annoying so I haven't bothered with that although I do have a screen name.</p>

<p>When S goes away, I'm expecting fewer long conversations but we will expect the weekly check-in even if it's brief. I find that I can "read" much more about their well-being from their voice than I can from their written communications...</p>

<p>Best of luck establishing something that works well for everyone.</p>

15

<p>Wow...you guys are good at once a week or less! I think that would make me crazy. At first I wanted to hear from my s every day....whether a quick IM or phone call, just to know he was OK. While we didn't always hear every day, we did hear frequently especially if there was a logistics problem with banking, schedules, etc. Every few days is Ok with me now that he has his freshman year under his belt. </p>

<p>Does that make me a helicopter Mom? If so, so be it.</p>

16

<p>I do pay for her cell( but that doesn't mean that she answers it)- however she didn't have a cell until the year she took off ( and was living at home) after junior year- so that has been just over three years.</p>

<p>I didn't talk to her on the phone much, although she did borrow a friends cell quite a bit ( he had unlimited minutes- those trust fund kids yaknow ;) ), but I did send emails, which she replied to sporadically. That hasn't changed- I might send three emails to her one reply, and she answers about 1/3 of the questions that Ive asked about.
* honey, I would't ask them if I didn't need to know :) *</p>

<p>My sisters oldest called her mom every day- all through college- which I envied at times, but then she moved home after graduation two years ago.
MIne is still in the city when she went to school.
However, close enough for me to visit every once in a while.
Speaking of which, I haven't seen her since her birthday at the end of May, I need to find an excuse to go visit.</p>

<p>When she started college, my youngest was 11 and I was really busy with her so the amount D#1 contacted me, seemed to be good- about every week.
When I was 17, I was moved out, and rarely spoke to my mother for weeks at a time, so I have to keep that perspective. I might miss her, but I know she is happy and healthy & I have done my job.</p>

<p>I would be much more worried if she called home all the time. HOwever- I want to add that I did know her RA/HAs in her dorms- They were her friends, and I knew that if I needed to, that I could contact them, which I did do on occasion a few times over her college years when I had tried repeatedly to contact her and couldn't ( she was on a college field trip and had forgotten to tell me), or when I had distressing news for her, and wasn't sure if it was a good time to tell her- & wanted to check with her HA first.
They were happy to help.
Her school however had relatively small dorms, and the HAs had relatively few students under their wing, about 8 at a time I think.</p>

17

<p>With regard to my son, who is soon to be a senior in college:</p>

<p>Talk -- as in on the phone? Maybe a couple of times a month, usually when one of us has something urgent to say that can't wait for e-mail.</p>

<p>E-mail -- very frequently. Usually several times a week; sometimes once or more a day. We exchange information on all sorts of trivial subjects, and we know that we're not bothering each other because e-mail can wait.</p>

<p>I wonder what the pattern will be with my daughter, who starts college this fall.</p>

18

<p>E-mail is the greatest communication tool that exists. Son will have it at his convenience, no missing the message, I have a copy of what I sent, H and I can forward his/our messages to each other, send links... Can send as many as I wish without requiring his input...</p>

<p>Phone calls??? Kids leave home to avoid their parents, not to be bugged by them... Cell phones are the next greatest tool- can capture them out of their room and, best of all, leave voice mail. Good for timely things, you can tell them to read your e-mail...</p>

<p>The above stated, I've noticed so many different frequencies of communication, based on the individuals involved. Daily seems excessive and weekly sounds good, but I would settle for more than once a month. It would seem as though hearing a voice would help monitor the general well being, but if you catch a child at the wrong moment you get the wrong impression (remember reading posts about parent child conversations that were moment specific, later the issues of importance were nonexistent). It would seem good to follow the child's lead, but with compromise to satisfy your needs (none, or once a semester to arrange for transportation home is not enough...).</p>

19

<p>I use short ( a sentence, at most a paragraph) e-mails, several times weekly, to communicate our home family news and just to boost morale. No reply necessary. The college advised us at Orientation this was a very helpful form that kids appreciate, along with Care Packages which are the ultimate thrill.</p>

<p>If I have a short question that needs answering, email also works well; just keep the question in its own sentence, not surrounded by story-line.</p>

<p>Their sleep schedules are so wack-o that I don't like to phone them except if it's urgent. </p>

<p>If I have a big agenda requiring back-and-forth answers, such as planning out their flight home schedules, I actually make an appointment date by email, and say what we'll be talking about. Then, I'm sure to get them when they are ready for the topic, and in a place they can talk helpfully, like in front of their computer for scheduling. To me, that honors their time frame and dignifies them a bit. They have lives, too.</p>

<p>I chose to back off of IM after a short trial (around 2 months) with it with one kid. I actually felt it invasive to the kid. He never objected, but I didn't feel good about knowing when my kid was in or out of his dorm room and at which hours. I recall enjoying my freedom when I went to college, so think they should have similar room to grow.</p>

<p>So when they call out on cell phones (family plan) it's very much their initiative and the conversations always great. If they catch me too busy to talk with them, they seem astonished that I, too, still have a life without them, but we make a quick rearrangement.</p>

<p>I like to forward links, since that's the update of receiving little newspaper clippings from my Mom long ago. Our D strongly, strongly! objected to receiving anything as a "Forward" by email, b/c her college had some system-wide computer filters. If she received too many forwards, her mailbox filled up and it made it very hard for her to conduct normal business.<br>
By contrast, her brother called them "Links of Love." I did learn quickly that they did NOT want any more suggested readings or long articles to read, since they were in reading-heavy courses. They were always much more interested in news tidbits about their younger brother, the dog or guinea pigs, if we moved a piece of furniture (Nooo!!) in their absence. If we had news about their hometown friends, former h.s. teachers, etc. that was of great interest. </p>

<p>I detest the parental attitude that "if I paid for the cellphone, I have the right to call you whenever I please." By that same reasoning, the parent's employer should come by his desk and say, "I pay your salary, now open your top desk drawer and let me see whether you're keeping it neat here."</p>

20

<p>Interesting question and it changes with locations..
At college son can get caught up in a lot of comp sci projects and doesn't want to lose his concentration, so it's better when he calls, HOWEVER I need to hear from his at least after two days of silence so I will call him. We don't get to see him often, because we're in NY and he's Texas so keeping in touch is important. I would say we usually speak at least every other day and find it comfortable. We use cell only, he doesn't like to email me or have me "fill up his email".
Having said that he's working in Japan for 3 months this summer and suddenly we skype (computer phone calls) each other daily for anyhere from 15 minutes to usually 1/2 hour or an hour (computer to computer is FREE!), sometimes with the webcam on. I suggested that we continue this while he's at college. Sometimes we even run out of things to say, but it doesn't bother him, at least we speak English :-). This is the first summer he's not home; but at least we're getting some quality time with him and we treasure it.</p>