Thanks for your replies to my postings. As my son is in Maryland college, my question is a little more complicated than that. My son was communicating every week during freshman/sophomore years.
As he become Junior, he didn’t communicate with us often. When we visit him, we feel unwelcome.
I am paying the entire bill, and he does not want to communicate, unless he needs something. He can’t even be bothered to say please or thank you when I help him.
He is not replying to email. He is basically a good kid, but has his own view of how things should work. He’s not much for expressing appreciation these days. I find myself wondering what happened to the polite kid I raised. My best advice to self is try to ignore as much as I can and hope it’s just a phase, but if people have any words of wisdom I’d like to hear them. He used to be very “obedient” for lack of a better word, but now he simply does not do what he doesn’t think is important. I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but I would like to know he’s alive, what classes he’s taking, if he likes school, how much he has spent so far, …
How do we make sure, he is not misguided for wrong doing?
Count yourself lucky you had 2 good years of communication!
Your son should respond to your email out of courtesy and to keep you from worrying, but don’t bombard him with emails. Could you strike a deal with him that you will continue to support him financially but require a phone call once a week, or something like that?
My son is a senior this year and he has called me less than 5 times over the last years. It does not bother me a bit because it is party of growing up and he is just like me. Even when we go to visit, we typically go out and eat and go our separte ways. He has is own group of friends and we let his do is thing. I do think your child should respond your emails but it is not something I would work myself up about.
My son (now just graduated) is more of a texting kid. He gives me LOLs on pictures of our cats, and occasionally makes a comment. I know he’s alive, so that’s ok. Now, and when he was in college, a phone call every two weeks was about as much as I expected.
With my eldest DD we did the weekly call freshman year…by Junior year it was like you said…not as often communication. I think it is because they are having fun with their friends at college and are more independent.
My youngest communicates like @donnaleighg …cute videos and such…we call it “proof of life”.
As far as appreciation for college, I would not expect that.
But if it is appreciation for you sending him something or doing something for him, then perhaps Dad (if this is mom speaking, or visa versa) could call him and talk to him about it. Another option is to let him know that if he won’t answer when you try to call/text (I would text rather than email, but do it after classes would be over), then you don’t need to be paying for his phone anymore. But maybe just have a conversation saying that you know as he is getting older, that weekly calls may not be what works, but you want to have some level of communication and what would he prefer.
I do think you should be able to know what classes he is taking.
We speak to our kids once a week. They are out of college now. I suggest asking him how often he’s willing to talk to you, and whether he’d prefer a different method of communication.
@HowardGradly Agreed! My kids all knew that they had to check once per week. It’s important to hear their voice, and know how they were doing both academically and emotionally. I have junior in college and she calls at least once per week. As long as I’m paying for the phone and school, my rules.
I had to gently remind my son that his phone was for my convenience not his, and if he felt as though he couldn’t respond to my texts that was his irrigators but he could also take over the bills. I never had that problem again. He still calls me weekly.
I talk to my college senior once per week. Most weeks it is a fairly quick conversation and this week he was defnitely not in the mood. But a couple of weeks ago he called me early on Sunday because he knew he was going to be out later, which I really appreicated. I also talk to my older son at least once a week or occasionally a week and a half but on a less scheduled basis. I may text them in between if there is something interesting or if I need to ask a question, but I don’t really call them more often than that (except very occasionally).
I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask a grown (or almost grown) kid to check in once per week. You may want to ask about what would be a generalyl good time for a weekly call and to ask your kid to answer or to text you if it is an inconvenient time. I also think you can nudge him a bit. I have been known to say “Thanks mom” to my kids when they forget to which they will usually say “Oh yeah, thanks” or that they were just going to say thanks.
With my boys I generally talked to them every couple weeks. If I didn’t hear from them for a couple weeks I would call them otherwise my schedule is pretty predictable so they generally called me. Usually while walking between classes and now that they are adults at night after work.
My mother, on the other hand insists on weekly calls from me and my sibs and insists on a fixed day and time. I tend to resent that rigidity a tad so did not want to impose that on my kids.
Years ago there was a thread regarding this topic. Many frustrated moms whose sons do not communicate. My son was hard to reach in college and still is. Catching son while he was walking usually worked best as above. No good solution for you. Son ignores calls and emails. Nothing we can do about it. My sister has had her son’s lack of communication solved with his marriage and a wife who will communicate more frequently. That’s how I do it with him as well.
I do not consider it bugging son with frequent calls, I only count the ones I actually talk to him. I guess “no news is good news” has to be the policy to deal with the situation without worry. I send him emails with material of note and sometimes letters with information and opinions. I send and delete soon thereafter. For a son who does not answer communications I was surprised to find he saved them long afterwards.
I would send emails with information, one sided conversations et al. You may be surprised that he does pay attention to them despite never responding when asked. He may shut you out of his life but you don’t need to shut him out of yours.
My mother-in-law called each of her gronw kid’s families on a certain night at a precise time. When the house phone range (especially now that everyone has cel phones) we knew it was her. Often the call were very brief and occasionally felt like an intrusion. But now that she is gone, we miss those calls.
Sometimes you need to “pick your battles.” For example, “kids these days” tend to text far more easily and often than they answer emails or phone calls. You can complain about it, or you can get your questions answered via text instead of requiring an answer to an email. It reminds me of when my son was a pre-teen and I was fixated (for a reason I can’t remember now) that he have a glass of milk at breakfast. He kept “forgetting” to drink it. It became a huge battle until I realized I could buy OJ with calcium and satisfy my (likely unnecessary) need for him to get his vitamins. Peace restored in the kingdom.
Use text for questions, one of them being, when would be a good time for you to give us a call to catch up with you?
I agree separation is good but I am with you. It is annoying and rude. I have a junior too. It would be nice if he called me back. For instance, we were notified his debit card number was stolen and they sent us a new card. His card will stop working Sept. 19. He would not call me back to let him know that he needed to get cash out and that he had tpo pay rent with a check, etc. Extremely irritating. he finally called back and asked what I meant by your card was compromised… I think most kids break away, learn to be independent then come back and turn into a normal human eventually so I am trying to be patient. So, on behalf of your child…can I say thank you for paying for college, thank you for being there for him, thank you for fretting over him, praying for him, consoling him and for feeding him food when he was a ravenous teenager. Thank you for being kind when the world was not. Thank you for caring when no one else did. And finally thank you for forgiving him when he was a dork.
My kid lost his debit card before moving across the country after graduation and couldn’t really see a reason why he might need to get real paper money every once in awhile. “Kids these days.”
Extremely irritating. he finally called back and asked what I meant by your card was compromised… I think most kids break away, learn to be independent then come back and turn into a normal human eventually so I am trying to be patient. So, on behalf of your child…can I say thank you for paying for college, thank you for being there for him, thank you for fretting over him, praying for him, consoling him and for feeding him food when he was a ravenous teenager. Thank you for being kind when the world was not. Thank you for caring when no one else did. And finally thank you for forgiving him when he was a dork.