How to avoid troubles with my mom

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello CC parents! I am reaching the final stages of my worrisome incoming freshman career. I move in to my dorm in a little over a month, and some worries have me troubled.</p>

<p>First question to ask:</p>

<p>Do any of you feel "entitled" to some or all money your child is getting for payment toward college? Do any of you additionally feel, if you are not paying anything toward your childs expenses, do you have the right to take 1k-4k from your student in their loans and justify it as a tithe of how much you have spent raising them?</p>

<p>I feel very pressured by my mother to give her insane amounts of money, starting from 1,000 and ending at 4,000. The reason I know she asked for this much money is due to my oldest brother(little under 30 right now) just finished a few years ago paying off his and explaining to me the horrors of it.</p>

<p>He did not live in the dorms and lived at home. At the time, we lived in a very different neighborhood and close to the college I will be attending(me and him picked the same college by the way). When he attended, not only was he discriminated against for being African American but my mother asked him to take out much money in loans, up in the five thousands for her gambling expenses, but in rare times, actual bills. This caused him so much stressed that he dropped out before the end of first semester.</p>

<p>He just opened up to me about this when I am doing my final steps to attending college. He says he is very proud of me but to be wary of what my mother asks of me. In the past, she has gambled thousands away in the casino and refuses to seek out help for herself. All she ever does is beg for money from us, her kids, and if we don't give her money we get kicked out of the house(just as my two older brother did, but not the youngest[I have three of them]{One has gotten kicked out at 16 and the other barely 18}).</p>

<p>Of course, you may be wondering why I am worrying about this if I am staying in the dorms. I worry due to the fact I may need to stay the summer here, and I also generally care for my family.</p>

<p>My second question is: How do I deny her without ruining our relationship? I love my mother, but she has a serious problem.</p>

2

<p>Perhaps [Gam-Anon[/url</a>] may help you. That hard part may be getting her to realize that she has a gambling problem and get her to go to some group like [url=&lt;a href=“http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/]Gamblers”&gt;Gamblers Anonymous]Gamblers</a> Anonymous](<a href=“http://www.gam-anon.org/]Gam-Anon[/url”>http://www.gam-anon.org/) .</p>

3

<p>No, I don’t think my kids should give me money because of my efforts while raising them.</p>

<p>College loans are for college. I don’t really understand how a loan ends up in your mother’s pocket. Can you explain?</p>

<p>If possible, don’t take any loans out at all. </p>

<p>Your relationship with your mother should not depend on how much money you agree to give her. Have you considered counseling? There are a lot of ethical problems here, possibly even legal ones, but you also appear to be enmeshed in a family in trouble, with some pathology going on. You cannot force your mother to get help, so I recommend you get yourself a therapist to deal with these issues.</p>

4

<p>You need to make an appointment with a financial aid officer at your college (You don’t need to divulge the gambling piece) and find out how to arrange your aid and student billing so that any funds you get go directly towards your tuition without passing through your own bank account. Your Mom can hardly withdraw funds that don’t belong to you.</p>

<p>You can tell her that this is the new “automatic payment” system the college is using now (lots of companies have moved towards e-billing and e-payment so it won’t be a foreign concept to her) and that gets you completely out of the loop.</p>

5

<p>Sandi, you are carrying a heavy burden. You sound like a very mature young person. Myheart goes out to you because it is a stressful time and you have enough to worry about without taking on concerns that do not belong to you. No, it is not normal to take money from our kids’ student loans. And no, you should not shoulder the cost of her addiction.</p>

<p>Whether or not she is willing to face her problem is another story but in the meantime you need to focus on getting through school as debt-light as possible.</p>

<p>I agree with ^ posts in that you should limit your loans to paying for your tuition.</p>

6

<p>Is there a relative or friend you could stay with? Make sure your mom does not have access to any of your bank accounts, debit cards, credit cards. Is your dad in the picture? Do you have to take loans to meet your tuition and expenses?</p>

7

<p>It is hard if she is only 17 (or even 18) to have accounts that are in just her name. Maybe she should open a joint account with her brother and use that for all the money related to college and any of her earnings. That will limit your mom’s access. You are just going to have to say no regarding giving her the money – you are not living at home, so NONE of the money you are getting is really meant to cover her expenses for her housing, food, etc. If you have travel expenses to and from school, that could make sense for you to cover. Do NOT take out college loans and give her the money for expenses. The best thing you can do for your mom is complete your education with as little debt as possible and get a good job – if you want to help her out once you are earning a living, you can do that. But don’t borry money intended for college and let her have access for other purposes.</p>

8

<p>You cannot give what you don’t have, so in this case I would say do not borrow more than you need to cover your direct expenses plus books. If you have work study or another job, that will cover your personal expenses. Amounts from work will be smaller and will trickle in as you earn them. You can give your mother small amounts from those checks if you feel it will be necessary to keep the peace, but you will be completely unable to “help” to the tune of thousands of dollars.</p>

9

<p>Everyone responding here is taking a calm and reasoned approach in their posts, but I assure you, every one of us is absolutely horrified by your mother’s expectations and heartbroken that you feel you have to cater to her demands to keep her love.</p>

<p>

If your relationship would crumble because you don’t give her gambling money–you don’t have much of a relationship anyway. (Think about that for a while.) Your mother has an illness that prevents her from putting your best interests first–so YOU have to put your best interests first. And is surely not in your best interests to borrow money for your mother to gamble away. You don’t have to argue the point. You just quietly say “I’m not borrowing any more than I need, and I am done discussing this.” And, as an extra bonus, not having more money to waste could be the best thing that could happen to your mother.</p>

10

<p>I am not sure how you could have excess loan money anyway, since Staffords max out at like $5500 per year and as your mom is presumably not paying towards your college expenses, that seems like less than you need, or just the right amount if you have large grants or scholarships.</p>

<p>My S’ Stafford loans went directly to his school, nothing ever passed through his or my bank account.</p>

<p>Any loans in excess of Staffords would have to be co-signed by your mom and I can’t imagine she’d qualify given what you have said.</p>

11

<p>Just say no, you can’t support her gambling, that this money is specifically for school. Easier said than done, though, I realize. Most people who have problems are the last to realize it. </p>

<p>Your mother is WAY out of line, and NO, this isn’t remotely normal!</p>

12

<p>Maybe your mom felt justified asking for some of your brother’s aid to go towards “room and board” at home? I’ve heard of this happening in some families. When a student commutes, there is a “room and board” estimate in the COA, so some families may feel that the student should “pay” the parents for some of that. Maybe that’s what happened??</p>

<p>Anyway…if you’re going to be living away from home, then your aid will go directly to that, and you won’t likely have extra money anyway to give your mom.</p>

13

<p>Thank you everyone for giving me this advice. I’d like to add more information to this:</p>

<p>In the COA, there is a small piece that covers misc./random costs. Both semesters of these costs toward dorm items like toilet paper, cleaning products, the occasionally splurge, are all wrapped up into 2,000 bucks/1,000 per semester. Right now I am at my 5,500 limit, but my mom was denied the parent PLUS loan. My mother wants that extra 4,000 unsub. for herself. The most my financial adviser and myself wish to take out, only if the need comes up, is 1,000 of that 4,000(this was when my mother was not present).</p>

<p>@Ordinary
FA(a representative at the bursar office or helping organize students financial papers) has already invited me to apply early and are willing to hire me on spot. It isn’t a work-study, but pays more than min. wage.</p>

<p>I plan on graduating from college with 25k debt or less, which will probably be less. Some continuing scholarships I have raise with the COA. Depending on how fast I find a job in my field(Accounting) it will go down relatively fast.</p>

<p>@prefect</p>

<p>Yes; but only 5,500. The 1,000 I am taking out is solely for emergency situations or if I do not get the job at FA somehow or another job I am interviewing for soon.</p>

<p>This is just really scary to me. I know she has kicked out her own kids in the past, and I don’t want to be homeless the summer of 2014 because I refuse to take out loans. Most of my relatives do not know about her problem because she refuses to talk to anyone about it openly, and when she does, she says, “That’s just how life is.”</p>

14

<p>From a purely practical standpoint, I think you’d have no trouble finding a place to live for summer 2014 with that $4000 if it came to that.</p>

15

<p>Doesn’t the stafford get applied to the tuition/room/board invoice? This money in most cases isn’t a check you receive in the mail so she wouldn’t be able to send her Mom any of the proceeds?</p>

16

<p>Just say “No.” If the “relationship” is ruined, she ruins it, not you.</p>

<p>Borrow as little as you possibly can to get through college. There is no benefit to borrow more and give it to anybody.</p>

17

<p>No, but if she borrows the additional 4k, and there’s a refund (as all items in the COA are not directly billed items), it will be sent to the address of record, where mom can presumably get her hands on it. That’s why I suggested borrowing only for direct costs and working for the misc. money so it can’t hit as an enticing lump sum. </p>

<p>Sandi, check with the fin aid office. Could you take out more of that 4k later in the year if you did find yourself in an emergency? I think having money around for emergencies, while a good habit for most of us, would just be too tempting for your mom. She would start applying a lot of pressure.</p>

18

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<p>Not necessarily. Most monies are issued direct deposit as very few schools now issue paper checks (they prefer direct deposit). Perhaps OP could open up an account in the town where she attends school (she should do this anyway so that her work study or campus job checks can be directly deposited). In addition, some schools can and do offer to put funds refunded to the student on a debit card (Op could inquire about this option). This way the money never goes through account that mom has access to. </p>

<p>Since loans have to be repaid, OP should not be accumulating a massive amount of debt, especially if she does not need the $$ for school.</p>

19

<p>Sandi3,</p>

<p>She is way out of line and using her motherly influence over you to try get what she wants. None of this is your fault, it’s all on her. Do NOT let her make you feel guilty for saying no. </p>

<p>Try to be realistic that she has a serious problem, and is unable to have a healthy relationship with you until she works on that problem. It is perfectly ok for you to not have a relationship with her if she can’t change. Don’t let her drag you down with her. Family is family, but there ARE limits. She has crossed the line.</p>

20

<p>@sybbie</p>

<p>I’ll try to work for the misc, but I feel like 25k(probably around 30k it will be in reality with interest) is a good debt cap, considering some students go as deep as 100k or 200k for some degrees. Also, I can pay off debt while in school, I can budget parts of my paycheck to pay for loans early.</p>

<p>@Ordinary
This end of July has been the only time I’ve gotten solid leads/interview to jobs. Part of me needs at least a couple hundred to ensure I can pay paper/notebooks/pens/pencils for school. My books are covered by a scholarship however.</p>

<p>And, thanks everyone for all this advice. I dunno what a true relationship between a mother and her daughter is really supposed to be like. I’m scared as ever to consider the fact I’ll be signing my first possible apartment lease next year, if worse comes to worst. All she ever does with me is take me out to eat every now and then or try to make me see life her way.</p>