How to comfort friend through college rejections?

Hi all!

Returning after a long while to request some much needed advice. I’m currenlty a freshman at a top-tier school, which also happened to be my dream school for the longest. I have a friend who’s on a gap year who’s applying to colleges again this year (after a relatively unsuccessful first round last year), and so far it’s been unsuccessful. She applied to the school I’m at early decision and was rejected, and has received another one from a school she thought was a target school. She and I both fear she’ll only get into her /safety/ school (she was admitted last year), as the only schools left are reaches. I feel as if I’ve been inadequate so far in comforting her, but I just don’t know what to say/how to comfort her without sounding hypocritical or unauthentic, especially since I’m at my dream school or wasn’t rejected from any schools last year. I really want to be able to comfort her and let her know that these decisions that define her, but without also demeaning myself as I usually do/just sounding fake. How do y’all comfort your friends/what messages have really resonated with you in the face of college rejections? Thanks so much!

Just say you are sorry for the rejections and be happy and positive about the acceptances. Don’t call them safeties, but talk about something you know about how good it is at the acceptance school. If you know someone who goes to the acceptance school, help your friend connect with that person. Offer to go with her to check out the housing over the summer.

I think a lot depends on a lot of things, like how this person is handling things overall, and how much other support they may have in their life. Saying something like “Well, it’s their loss, not yours” or just talking about how the process is so difficult for everyone, can sound great coming from a parent, but it may sound insincere coming from someone else - say a teacher.

For a friend, you really care about this person, and they likely know it. If your relationship allows you to use humor - “well, its a good thing you didn’t buy that sweatshirt!” may sound nicer than “Now I can’t be friends with you anymore!” But I am sure you can imagine friends who tease each other mercilously, where something like that would be perfectly in line even though it sounds out of line, because both friends know its just goofing around.

The best advice I would suggest is to just continue to be a good friend - find something to laugh about, to release some stress. Can you imagine how many kids are getting rejections this time of year - and joking about how much easier it’d have been if their parents had simply paid off a soccer coach at Yale?

“Sometimes I wish I’d been born smart and rich instead of just beautiful!”

I work with people who graduated from a rather wide range of universities, including some that are a reach for everyone and some that would be safeties for many students. No one cares where anyone got their degree.

It might be easier to give advice if we knew which schools we are talking about. However, I have met a very large number of very strong coworkers who went to their in-state public schools. When I was a graduate student at a very selective school there were other graduate students there who had attended a very wide range of schools for undergrad, and there were many who had done undergrad at their in-state public schools.

There will be very strong professors and other very strong students at pretty much any “top 200” university in the US.

One secret in life is to do very well wherever you end up. Another secret is to be happy with the many great things and many great opportunities that we have, and not get too unhappy about the dreams that are not going to happen.

Don’t bring it up until she does. Stop calling it a “safety school”, even if your friend refers to it that way. Remind her of the positives of that particular school (almost every college has something special about it). The advantage to going to a likely school is that she will probably find it more affordable and will graduate with a whole lot less debt. Tell her that you’ve been thinking a lot about that campus, and not only can you picture her doing well there, but you are eager to visit her there. Fifteen minutes of internet research should yield some cool facts about the place.

Just say “This is difficult. How are you doing?” And then listen. Say only positive things about the schools she has left, but save the most positive comments for her. Let her know how much confidence you have in her regardless the outcome.

Your a good friend number 1. Once she has narrowed down her desisions or she gets accepted to one school. Maybe go on Facebook groups with her to help her connect with people there. Help with choosing a roommate etc but only if she wants your input. Just being there as a friend is key and remember, ice cream never hurts either.

Seems like she made the same mistake two years in a row: not having a safety school that she actually likes.

I totally agree with @ucbalumnus .seems that your friend overreached on the college choices.
Maybe look up cool stuff that the “safety” school has?
“hey, did you see that tradition they have of that has? That seems cool.”

Thank you all so much for your responses, I found them so helpful! My friend is a naturally very anxious person who does tend to compare herself a lot to others, so I’ll do my best to try and remind her that she’ll thrive anywhere she goes. She does have a significant merit aid offer from her safety school (which she doesn’t want to go to), but the “safety” (a really really good school) school she got into last year didn’t give her any money which is why she didn’t commit to it. I’m hoping she’ll be happy with her choices/whichever colleges she gets into and doesn’t dwell too much on the “what if’s”. Her list was quite top-heavy but I’ll try to remind her how awesome her other choices are!