<p>I desperately need the help of some seasoned BS parents! We moved our daughter into school a couple weeks ago and heard loud & clear the school's message to allow your child to dictate the level of communication. We have done so & feel as if we know NOTHING about what is going on with her. We receive quickie text messages and emails. Friends tell us that she would surely be reaching out if she wasn't ok, but is this accurate? How long do we wait it out before telling her that we need to communicate more often & more throughly? 2 weeks? 1 month? I don't know what is right here. I certainly don't want to upset the apple cart. Any guidance is much appreciated.</p>
<p>@girlprep: You are not alone.</p>
<p>See here:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1386496-2012-2013-newbie-parents-support.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1386496-2012-2013-newbie-parents-support.html</a></p>
<p>And here:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/966356-st-andrews-school-delaware-14.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/966356-st-andrews-school-delaware-14.html</a>
[SEE POST #206 FORWARD]</p>
<p>We are in the second year of BS parentage, and I can say that it gets better. Our daughter was TERRIBLE at correspondence last year…and we also had no “weekly call” discussion before she went to school.</p>
<p>This year, she’s been much better. I would say that you should try the “regular scheduled weekly call” after parents weekend if you can hold out…also try to find a channel that works best for both sides. I find that FB mail works best for me, whereas my wife uses texting, and my younger daughter does email. And we all try to get on the phone once a week.</p>
<p>Also, if you want to know what’s going on…an email to a dorm parent or advisor (depending on how school is set up) works wonders to allay curiosity/fears.</p>
<p>If she were miserable, you would know, because she’d be calling you to complain. </p>
<p>If she were visiting the infirmary frequently, you’d know, because the nurses would call you to update you on her status.</p>
<p>No news is good news for the parent of a new boarding school student. Heck, I think you’re doing well to receive “quickie texts and emails.” Then again, she’s a girl, so she’s better at this whole communication thing than boys.</p>
<p>You will probably receive a much fuller picture of life at school during school breaks, once she’s done sleeping.</p>
<p>While the “no news is good news” thing is reassuring and true, I still think it’s good to have some communication beyond the quickie texts for a few reasons:</p>
<p>1) kid might feel like things aren’t bad enough for a call, but by having a longer conversation you can find out more of what’s going on;
2) talking to parents is a good way for kid to get a little perspective on life outside school;
3) you might have something you want to tell your kid;
4) it makes parents happy.</p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with setting the expectations for a reasonable amount of communication. In our case we have a Sunday phone call or Skype. Most days we end up with a quick text or a chat/message exchange over FB. I let DD take the lead on initiating this unless I have something important to ask/tell her. When I see something posted in the day’s Chapel announcements that looks like something she should be aware of I check in with her about it. I realize this is annoying and overbearing, and once I know that she’s tracking that stuff then I’ll stop (so far she doesn’t seem to mind). </p>
<p>DD has only been at boarding school for 2 weeks so I expect that this will evolve but this is how it is so far.</p>
<p>girlprep - there’s nothing wrong with you initiating a phone call to your daughter. Although the school may recommend letting the child dictate the level of communication, keep in mind that you know your child best and if you feel that you need to communicate more with your daughter, then you should reach out to her. My son is a four-year senior and I make a point to talk on the phone with him at least once a week, usually early Sunday evenings. There are many times during the week where we may text, email or have a quick conversation. But I always make a point to speak to him at least once a week.</p>
<p>@girlprep</p>
<p>I agree, it is difficult not hearing from them. They are very busy, and I don’t think they realize how hard it is for parents not to hear.</p>
<p>Ideas: We try to speak once a week (Skype is great), but some weeks don’t happen, so…</p>
<p>Send lots of little packages, goody bags. This is extremely appreciated and lets them know you are thinking of them. Amazon has packaged ones that you can ship direct to them if time and postage are a hassle. It also helps them to make friends by sharing (especially chocolate).</p>
<p>Remember, their independence and responsibility are being built in leaps and bounds, and I agree, you would hear very fast if something were amiss or if they needed something.</p>
<p>This year, my daughter answers e-mails and texts with a few words. That is progress.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have a Facebook account? I have the password (I insisted on this) for my daughter’s account, and I look at her Facebook page and her newsfeed every day. This gives me huge insight into what’s going on.</p>
<p>I get phone calls twice a day (she initiates them, because she wants to chat). We live close enough to the school for me to bring her missing items and take her out for meals once a week or so. I don’t really care if the school wants students to limit communications and be their own persons – she is (our) minor child, not an over-18 college student.</p>
<p>girlprep, you are not alone. We are having a similar experience. It has been 2 weeks and we haven’t quite established a routine communication pattern. At the moment, it consists of brief texts and emails and some sporadic phone calls. Daughter sounds good (and very busy), she assures us things are fine. Still, I’m longing for those longer chats we used to have. </p>
<p>One issue is that while the designated in-room evening study hours would be the perfect time for D to make a call home, she cannot as her roommate has stated that there will be no talking in the room during study hours (even to each other). Roommate is not very flexible from what I have gleaned.</p>
<p>Of course, I can understand roommate’s side too, but it has made it more difficult to get in touch. Especially since there is a time difference…and once study hours are over we are usually asleep here at home! A couple of times D has gone to the hall bathroom to make a call home during study hours, but that’s awkward (and there’s a weird echo). She is hoping for a single room next year!</p>
<p>Hopefully, as things settle down she will be able to carve out some extra time in the evening after dinner but before study hours so we can schedule a call. I miss her!</p>
<p>parkermom: I don’t know your child’s school, but my child’s school doesn’t want kids using phones during study hours. </p>
<p>girlprep: It’s great that you’re getting texts and e-mails. My daughter sometime avoids phone calls because hearing my voice makes her more homesick. Is parent visiting day coming up soon for you? That should answer some of your worries.</p>
<p>My advice: use your insider knowledge and butter your kid up. I text my son about sports, because I know he’s passionate about them. We talk about that stuff for a while, then I slide in the parental questions about schoolwork, the dorm, his advisor. It’s fine–and normal, I’d say–for parents to be the ones initiating the contact while the kids are getting used to semi-independent living, but try to meet them at their level to start. With my daughters I’d try to talk about Glee, or (G*d help me) the new One Direction single…you get the drift. In our family at least, once the seal is broken, that’s when they almost can’t help themselves and the beans start spilling…</p>
<p>girlprep,
We had the same problem during DS’s 1st year. It is VERY frustrating. His residence advisor told us that this is not uncommon-- all the new kids are in sensory overload in their new milieu. They do settle down eventually, and the communications do improve. This year is much better.</p>
<p>Suggest you get her to agree w you to schedule the same time once a week for a quick phone conversation. Sunday mornings before brunch works for us.</p>
<p>parkermom, at my DD’s school they told us at the parent orientation that the dorm prefects will typically let other students come into their rooms occasionally to make a phone call if they don’t want to talk in front of their roommate. Maybe that’s an option your daughter could explore.</p>
<p>Thanks friendlymom, I am going to mention that to my DD. </p>
<p>The dorm head told as at orientation that the first few minutes after dorm check-in (study-hours) are a good time to make a quick call home to parents if needed. But you are right, dharmamom…study time should not be spent on the phone, nor would DD want to do that since she has work to do. She also doesn’t want to disturb or annoy her roommate.</p>
<p>Hopefully, we will figure out a good system of communication by mid-year. It’s nice to know other families had a similar first year experience. It is quite an adjustment to go from talking with your child face-to-face every day to the very minimal contact we have now. Fortunately, I think it is harder on her dad and me than it is on her. </p>
<p>I suppose that’s why I visit this site more frequently now that she’s gone to school. It’s a way to bridge the void (for me) without bugging her all the time. It’s also good to hear about other parents’ experiences.</p>
<p>This is why I could never send my children to boarding school. They are (mostly) not great communicators. When they lived at home at least there was day-to-day interaction! At college there was…way less.</p>
<p>But I agree, no news is good news and you are lucky to get quick texts & emails.</p>
<p>Seeing the same thing with S this past month. He called the first week and it was great. We called him back the next week and could talk to him. But no news after that except for short one line emails. He’s fairly active on facebook that I can see. I finally broke down and sent him an email asking him to call - turns out he had problems with his phone (couldn’t get service). Got him to turn the phone off and back on - problems fixed. He did call this past weekend so we could catch up.</p>
<p>No matter what I still feel disconnected - I think that comes from the fact that we used to all the details while he was at home! Takes a little getting used to this…</p>
<p>Question for the more experienced parents - do you feel like you’ve lost important info about them? Like you don’t know their close friends, the usual groups they are part of, any change in their likes/dislikes?</p>
<p>Arisamp: Some of the changes are also part of growing up. I attended public high school. I don’t think my parents had any idea who my friends in school were. It was a different era, of course, before Facebook and cellphones.</p>
<p>You will learn more about your kids’ schedules on Parents’ Weekend. You’ll also meet some of their friends. It’s hard to discuss social stuff with people who haven’t met your new friends. Also, some of the friendships made in the first few weeks of school will shift, as students get more involved in activities.</p>
<p>As your kids get a handle on the school schedule and workload, they will be more forthcoming. It may help to get into the habit of scheduling phone calls for a time when they have the time and energy to talk. Read the school’s newsletters too, to find out what happened on campus this week.</p>
<p>No news is good news.</p>
<p>Be grateful for the occasional text messages. Text conversations are discreet for students and don’t force acknowledgement of parental hovering.</p>
<p>You sent your daughter off to boarding school to get a great education and to become an independent young adult. Guess what: she is a busy, increasingly independent young woman.</p>
<p>I hope no news is good news, as .02 said. I just worry that DS suffers in silence, trying to be stoic. (LOL, probably he is just fine.) So, I have been reduced to becoming somewhat of a “stalker mom”. (I believe DS is unaware of this.) I feel like I can at least get a vague sense of what he is up to on Facebook (his new ‘friends’, for example…or a picture posted of him there by someone else). And then there are the weekly pictures posted on the school website. Sometimes he’s actually in one (or maybe that kid in the distance that isn’t quite recognizable might just be him). Also, Skype pops up with a message that he is ‘online’ every now and then, too. (I try to resist sending him a message every time this occurs, at the risk of being just too annoying and overbearing.) It is not much, but it is at least a little glimpse as to what he is up to. We also try to get in the weekly phone call or Skype, but the voice/video quality is so poor on both mediums, it is barely satisfying. I know, I know…he is becoming independent. Now I am working on being more independent, too!</p>
<p>Speaking of “stalking” our less than communicative kids while they are away at boarding school…I noticed that one dad (not me) commented on a group shot my daughter and his son were tagged in and his son was like “OMG, Dad…I can’t believe you just did that!” Funny.</p>
<p>Oh yes, the first rule of stalking your kid on Facebook is that you never comment. The only exception is when your existence has already been acknowledged through presence in the photo, but even that one is borderline. </p>
<p>An occasional parental “like” is acceptable, but usually these should be limited to a new cover photo. The main idea is that you want them to semi-forget that they’re friends with you at all.</p>