How to "convince" mom?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I have crafted a list of colleges over the last few months. I have told my mom where I want to apply. However, we live in St. Louis, so after we visited WashU that's all my mom thinks about! She said if she could choose where I go, she would want me to go to WashU. However, the chances are, I won't get in. I did really love Wash U's campus, but I don't want to make any early judgments if I have not even visited any of the other schools on my list: Tufts, Rice, Lafayette, Reed, Grinnell, Carleton, Brandeis, MST. MOS&T is my safety, and I have already applied - hoping for the reassuring acceptance soon.</p>

<p>I feel my mom is a little prestige driven. She has never heard of any of the schools on my list with the exception of Rice, and of course WashU. In Missouri, there are only three colleges for science-oriented kids - SLU, WashU, and MST. LACs are unknown to us and why go anywhere else when you can go to WashU??? Oddly enough she was a little convinced by USNews rankings, but not the statistical data...</p>

<p>I think she looks down a bit at liberal arts colleges, even though they are held in high esteem by knowledgeable employers and graduate schools. When I try telling her about why I like the other universities, she redirects the conversation back to the glory of WashU. It certainly is a great school and if I am magically accepted I would go in a heartbeat. However that will likely not happen, so I would like her to have an open mind and look at my other less selective options, especially when they are all affordable. She says she has no problems with distance. Nonetheless, 3 of these lacs have free apps, so maybe when all of the acceptances/rejections are on the table I can more accurately describe to her the options we have.</p>

<p>I am planning on majoring in Physics at this point. That may change, but I will probably not be leaving the realm of science and mathematics, that's where my affinity lies. Nonetheless, I still have very avid interests in writing, history, foreign languages, etc. I love the idea of the liberal arts education. I also have found that many LACs excel at sending their students to PhD programs.
<a href="http://www.reed.edu/ir/phd.html"&gt;http://www.reed.edu/ir/phd.html&lt;/a>
Rice is also on that list.</p>

<p>My mom is currently a bit hesitant on my career path. She worries I will choose a major that is unemployable at the Bachelor's level and that I may possibly be sick of school by the time I graduate and not want to go to graduate school. I understand this and realize that could possibly be the case, and I do admit that would be a good reason to choose a Uni over a Lac (Engineering is more available at universities but the job descriptions of engineers appall me). She is very fickle on what she likes. I showed her my Rice college essay earlier tonight, and she said "you know, you are such a great writer, I wouldn't mind at all if you studied something like journalism, communications, etc." </p>

<p>A bit ironic since she is very logically minded and future-focused; she doesn't want me to do physics for lack of career opportunities, but suggests a worse major in terms of career prospects! Although that may be just because before she went to college, she really wanted to go to Mizzou for journalism. She had a child very early and did a 2 year nursing program and has been a hardworking nurse for 30 years. </p>

<p>I've run the net price calculators on all of my prospective universities websites and they are all within affordable range. However, the LACs I want to apply to are among the cheapest on my list, costing 6k, 7.5k, and 8.1k / yr after loans for Carleton, Reed, and Grinnell respectively. WashU, in comparison, has a cost of 13k/yr. While that is certainly doable, a lot of sacrifices would have to be made at home to "push the limit", since we set a price limit around 11k. Plus, Grinnell and Reed are pretty close to us, 6 and 8 hours away respectively.</p>

<p>Also - dad's not really in on this. He seems very excited about every college I tell him about but my mom does not take him seriously (they are divorced). </p>

<p>Sorry for the long post. I get bored at night studying for tests and I come on here and post long-winded posts for anyone willing to read! In essence, I don't think my mom will "threaten" to do anything if I don't do things her way and she does not care ALL that much, but I still want her to be excited and open-minded about what all of my options are.</p>

2

<p>Reed does not seem like it is that close to St. Louis, MO.</p>

<p>Note that you can find liberal arts offerings at schools other than liberal arts colleges. Liberal arts colleges do tend to have smaller frosh/soph courses (but check on-line schedules to see the actual sizes rather than assuming).</p>

3

<p>Yes Reed is far away. Although Grinnell is fairly similar and it is much closer, so that would be more desirable. Distance is not really an issue, so I am told!</p>

<p>Once we get over 10 hour drive, flying becomes more relevant. The money saved by going to a university with a lower net price further away could be used to take the occasional trip home, since my instate options are not as inexpensive. (MST, my safety, has a net price of 8k, and possibly 0 if I win this scholarship, which I will gladly take). I’m also saving money from my job to help pay for those kinds of expenses.</p>

4

<p>Reed does appear to have a stronger physics curriculum than Grinnell – it offers a second semester in upper division E&M, classical mechanics, and laboratory that Grinnell does not have. Plus the nuclear reactor.
<a href=“Courses - Physics Department - Reed College”>http://academic.reed.edu/Physics/courses/&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“Major: Physics, B.A. - Grinnell College - Acalog ACMS™”>Major: Physics, B.A. - Grinnell College - Acalog ACMS™;
Oberlin appears to be stronger for physics than Grinnell, but not as strong as Reed:
<a href=“Program: Physics and Astronomy - Oberlin College - Acalog ACMS™”>Program: Physics and Astronomy - Oberlin College - Acalog ACMS™;

5

<p>the nuclear reactor at Reed is very cool. I did not really look into the upper level curriculum too much, something I probably should have done more of…I will look into oberlin, I’ve run the net price calculator, looks about 12k/yr.</p>

6

<p>You don’t need to “convince” your mom --just tell her that you want to apply enough schools that you can be sure of being admitted to some and be able to compare financial aid awards. You’ve said that you are happy to attend WUSTL if you get in – so you are on the same page with your mom there: apply. Then apply to others as well – it is not absolutely necessary to visit, but it sounds like you willing to take on the responsibility to pay for travel and applications if it comes to that. Let your mom dream for now – I think that if you get a rejection from WUSTL in the spring, then she will become much more interested in the other schools. And there’s not much point in trying to get her enthused now about some other school that has not yet admitted you and that may not be affordable – it will be a lot easier once you are able to present a short list of the schools that have admitted you and offered reasonable financial aid. </p>

<p>I hope you’ve factored in your father’s income on the net price calculators – all of the private colleges will want that information, as well as your mom’s income. </p>

7

<p><<<
I’ve run the net price calculators on all of my prospective universities websites and they are all within affordable range. </p>

<br>

<br>

<p>The NPCs are not accurate for divorced families. How did you use them when you have two separate households and incomes? Are either of your parents remarried? Are they both willing to pay “their share” of what the colleges determine they should pay? </p>

<p>Relax with your mom. Wait til acceptances come to deal with WUSTL. </p>

<p>I’m guessing that one reason she may want you to go there is because she is concerned about travel costs for holidays, fall, spring, etc. Who would be paying for those travel costs? Mom? Dad? Both? Is your mom worried that your dad is “gung-ho” about your college choices, but he will be flakey later about paying for various costs? </p>

<p>Edited to add…</p>

<br>

<br>

<p>Now I remember you and your story. No wonder your mom ignores what your dad has to say. She has had the entire “burden” of raising you, while dad seems to be living a child-existance. </p>

<p>I’m guessing that my hunch is right. Your mom is concerned that the entire college burden will be hers, including costs getting you back and forth to wherever you go. And, then there would be her costs if she were to go help you move in, etc. Your dad, on the other hand, just has to go to the Bank of Grandpa if he wants to do anything. </p>

<p>Until you get clarification AND assurances from GRANDPA as to how much he will contribute, don’t trust anything your dad is saying. </p>

8

<p>Why appalled by the job description of engineers?</p>

<p>I would suggest talking to some, BTW.</p>

9

<p>My mother is 100% aware she is making up all of the college costs. My father makes 0/year and is not expected to contribute anything… Any help from dad or grandpa would be a bonus but is not expected by either myself or my mother and she is aware of that. That is why I say she won’t take him seriously…and I understand why and I am not complaining. I don’t take him seriously.</p>

<p>For the NPC we have run them separately twice, each time for each parent, and added those numbers together to get the resulting figures. At many schools the net price for my father was 0 because my father has no income or assets. </p>

<p>I’m not really trying to defend or accuse anyone here. But there are more places in the world than WashU. At this point I feel she wants me to go to a school that has a name but I do not want disappointment when that does not happen.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Good idea. </p>

10

<p>I’m not sure I understand your problem. You don’t think you will get accepted to Wash U. So apply and don’t get accepted. Apply to the other schools on your list…and you will have to choose from the places where you DO get accepted. Oh…and where the cost is affordable.</p>

11

<p>Apply to all these schools. i’m sure your mom will be swayed by a combination of prestige/ranking (since she pays attention to that) and low cost (especially if you don’t get into WashU).</p>

12

<p>thanks for the responses friends</p>

13

<p>What is the problem? You seem to like Wash U just fine. Apply to it along with other schools on your list, making sure you have schools you know will take you and you know will be affordable Then when all offers and costs are on the table, you and mom make the decisions. </p>

14

<p>I don’t know what the problem is I guess, I’m just crazy or weird or childish or something. That’s probably the best plan, we’ll wait and see exactly hat our options there and then all the FA offers will be on the table too.</p>

15

<p>You don’t have to convince your mom of anything…AT THIS POINT.</p>

<p>Just agree with her and say “Love WUSTL and will go if I get in. Also want other choices if I don’t.”</p>

16

<p>

</p>

<p>He will be cooperative with financial aid paperwork, right?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Wouldn’t including all of the income and assets from both divorced parents’ households work?</p>

17

<p>Apply to the schools you want to go to. Apply to the one your mom would like you to go to. Then see who accepts you and who offers great financial packages to you, and make the decision that is best for your goals. Communicate with your mom about your reasons for choosing the colleges you did. From a parent’s perspective, I am assuming she wants the best for you, which means better than what she had when she was your age. Her aspirations for you come from a place of unconditional love, which until you are parent, you might not fully understand. So, while your mom might be a bit of a nag now, assume it’s coming from a good place - she is concerned for you and wants only the best for you.</p>

<p>Your mom might also feel a bit left out, or that soon she will be losing daily contact with her ‘little one’. Time goes much faster in the parent’s mind - it seems like yesterday that you were just a little one, and now here you are about to embark on the next chapter of your life, most likely away from home for the first time.</p>

<p>Your mom needs a little bit of TLC - spend time with her now, before you leave for college. Talk to her about your dreams and aspirations, so she understands what you want and where you’re coming from - what your reasons are for choosing the colleges you are choosing.</p>

<p>That your mom is mentioning a quality school is an indication that she wants you to have a good life, and that is a good sign. There are far too many parents who just don’t care or are too lazy to be bothered. </p>

<p>Good luck to you in your future!</p>

18

<p>“I don’t know what the problem is I guess, I’m just crazy or weird or childish or something. That’s probably the best plan, we’ll wait and see exactly hat our options there and then all the FA offers will be on the table too.”</p>

<p>It is OK! You are making big decisions and processing through it all. I agree with other posters who say apply to A variety of schools and see where you are accepted.</p>

<p>I can understand your concerns. My husband keeps pointing son toward super selective schools and I keep cautioning about the low acceptance rates. It is such a mixed bag of emotions and expectations here. </p>

<p>My son plans on studying physics as well. He plans on grad school too. He has received his share of negative comments about the employability of this path. Bottom line though: he loves physics and has ruled out engineering (took an intro to eng class and did some job shadows). BTW, son is also interested in the LACs you mentioned. They look like such interesting and stimulating environments.</p>

19

<p>OP, you are not being childish – this is an important part of your life, you love your mom, and you wish that she could share your enthusiasm as you explore your options.</p>

<p>But it’s just that your mom has a different perspective. While you may be excited at the prospect of attending a distant college, she might be terrified at the prospect of her soon-to-be empty nest. So emotionally she may be clinging to the hope that you will attend school near home-- and her fear may be that even if you are accepted at WUSTL, you will choose to go elsewhere. It’s a scary thing for a parent when their kid grows up, especially for a single mom. </p>

<p>Try listening to her instead of trying to persuade her. That is, ask her what she thinks and how she feels. Reassure her that you love WUSTL (and that you love her!) and hope that you are admitted and receive adequate financial aid – but tell her that you know that the school is very selective and you would like her help in finding safeties in case you don’t get in. It’s possible that even framed that way, it’s too hard for her emotionally to picture herself alone after you have flown off to some college a thousand miles away - but perhaps if her own concerns are acknowledged, her perspective may shift. </p>

20

<p>Yeah, my dad will be cooperative with all of the paperwork. We see him regularly and our relationship is fine. My mother said last year he made $364. I do not believe he would have made anything significant this year.</p>

<p>He has told me though he will be contributing roughly 2/3k yr for costs, but my mother has told me to not expect or hope for anything. I don’t know how he has that money if he has absolutely no income though.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Fair enough !</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>That makes sense. I should ask her why exactly she liked WashU and see if I can show that in other schools. I would like to try to visit these schools in the next few months so we can compare. We’ve only visited WashU and SLU (And we both liked the former much more), and I’m doing a trip down to MST next month.</p>

<p>Mom seems to be fairly fickle in what she tells me about what she likes in WashU. I can understand she would also be a bit afraid to have me go far away, she’d be at home alone with my 14 year old brother… who hasn’t exactly been doing his schoolwork or taking on responsibility. While he has not even started high school yet I don’t think she wants to be “alone” in the process of getting him up to speed.</p>