I’m going to fail one of my classes. However I understand what I did wrong it’s just that I don’t have enough time to bring up the course. I’m still planning to go to every class and take notes to better prepare myself for next quarter to retake it.
However my parents are very, very disappointed in me and I don’t blame them. My stomach churns when I think about them and I definitely feel very guilty. They tell me that I’ve ruined any chance of getting into a good grad or professional school and they have a habit of telling me that I’m going to work for insert the person who I admire but also kinda envious of and I won’t ever be respected and be looked down upon society. They also tell me that I’m being very shameful.
But this is also my first quarter and I’m starting from the beginning of the textbook to sort out all the holes in the subject I’ve accumulated the past quarter. I see that there’s a lot. Even if I could go with a C I don’t know if I would really want to because of how big the holes I’ve created.
But they don’t understand that and maybe I’m just fooling myself.
Maybe I just fucked up. There was a college with a program I’ve always wanted to go to for a very long time. It’s very prestigious and it’s at the top of the game of the field I wanted to enter. I feel like this is HS all over again. I didn’t prepare for the summer and just moped around and now I’m just this utter failure.
I was just wondering how parents (particularly ones with high expectations) would act.
What sort of advice would you give me?
Part of making this post is I wanted to rant because all of my friends were cruising through this quarter and it just embarrassed me even more.
I’m not clear from your post exactly what your situation is. Are you a college freshman right now? What does the college with the program you always wanted have to do with this? And how is this HS all over again? Is this the first time you’ve ever failed a class or do you have a history of failing classes? You said you know the cause - what is the cause?
If the situation is that you are failing a course in your freshman year and it’s too late for you to get your grade up to a C (with a change in study habits, tutoring, using the faculty office hours, working with a class-mate who ‘gets it’), then you should go see your academic advisor and as for his/her advice on your options. What are the consequences for failing this class? What if you fail other classes next quarter?
I appreciate that your parents are upset and you want advice on how to make them less or not upset. That’s not going to happen if you don’t have a plan of action when you talk to them. Figure out what you can do here, with input from the school. If failing classes is a pattern, rather than a one-time event, your plan of action is going to have to address that too.
Remember that once your parents get over being upset, they still want the best for you and they still want to help. They are on your side, even when they are disappointed. Figure out what kind of help they can give you, if any and work with them to get a plan of action you can all agree on.
Sounds like you might be part of an ethnic culture that puts pressure on their children to be perfect? That feels anything less than an A+ grade is shameful, not just to the student but to the parents as well? If so, that is a whole different situation and probably no easy answers.
N’s mom has asked some good questions. Reply with concise details so we can better understand if this is a one-time mistake or a pattern. You can recover from this with the help of your school adviser. Find out if it is too late to withdraw from the class.
Your parents are most likely going to continue to say negative comments. Figure out how to tune them out. You can make changes in your study habits, and you can ask for help with the course material. It is possible to improve and become a better student. Try to stay positive as you work to improve.
Well, I’d be really bummed. I’d definitely let you know we’re bummed, mostly because I know you chose not to do the work and let the F happen.
My advice would be not to do it again, and to make sure you KNOW how not to do it again. If you don’t know how to not get another F, seek help.
If it’s a one-off kind of thing where you’re having a wake-up call to how hard you need to work at college (yeah stop looking at what other people are doing, btw), then it’s not a huge tragedy, in my opinion.
If it were my kid and it wasn’t an isolated incident, I’d pull them from college because they need to rethink their path, and it’s expensive to throw money at F’s. At that point I wouldn’t be mad; I’d be really concerned.
I would have a talk with my son or daughter (and drive there so it is in person, if possible). I would want to know why it happened, because it is not always a matter of fault. If it was partying that is different from, say, depression, ADHD, or lack of aptitude. Culturally, yes, some parents might have a problem with this, but I would rather problem-solve. I would try to stay positive, even if it was partying, and try to come to a mutual decision about what to do, including leaving for awhile, getting therapy, getting a tutor, changing major etc. etc.
Preserving transcripts IS important in the future, so if you can withdraw from this class, even if it costs money, it might be worth it. If there is ANY legitimate reason for this failure that can be documented, get that documentation and work with a dean.
Depending on how you are doing with other classes, you can also consider withdrawing entirely. If you have reason for a medical withdrawal (not suggested at all by your post), you can use documentation for that. The only difference w/a regularl withdrawal is that you will have a “W” on your transcript (and lose money) and with a medical withdrawal, often the slate will be wiped clean (and if you have tuition refund insurance, you don’t lose money).
There is a lot of discussion about failure as a positive in certain places, such as Harvard magazine. Students at Ivies who do well in everything tend not to develop resilience. Try to look at this as a learning experience that can improve your character- hard to see and sounds corny. One of my siblings failed a lot of things until mid to late 20’s and then he took off and is a media executive.
Nothing dooms you, believe me. I don’t know what social or cultural group your parents are in, but with that kind of pressure, you might benefit from having someone to talk to. Nothing against your parents who no doubt want the best for you, and it sounds like you respect and love them, but imperfection and failure are part of life and never really spell the kind of disaster they fear.
Be good to yourself1 You deserve it regardless of grades!!
If you are currently failing a class(assuming you are in college), these are your options:
- Withdraw. Talk to your adviser and see if this is an option. Also make sure you are taking enough credits to maintain full time status.
2)** Study your butt off and get a C.** Go to professor’s office hours and talk them about what you need to do to succeed. How to learn the “holes” in your knowledge. Get a tutor. Go to the Writing center/Math center if applicable. Go the the Student Success Center and learn Study Skills. Read “How to be an A Student” by Cal Newport. Form a study group. C’s aren’t great, but are much easier to recover from in your GPA.
3)** Fail. ** You should try very very very hard not to fail. It will be difficult to recover from for your GPA and any grad schools will look unfavorably at it. Don’t be thinking “what if I study really hard and still fail?” If you do that, then you may find that this course area or college isn’t for you.
If I am a grad school and I see a C freshman year, and good grades after that, I think “okay, they had a little trouble adjusting and then got it together. Great!” If I see an F, then I think "this person didn’t know/didn’t care/was ignoring that they were failing and didn’t talk to anyone at the school about it nor do anything.
Also you say " I didn’t prepare for the summer and just moped around and now I’m just this utter failure." Did you mean prepare for college over the summer? You shouldn’t have to do this. Talk to the Counseling Center and see if you have any depression issues.
Regarding your parents, I do not have insight into how parents with high expectations would act. I would think that most parents would prefer not to be surprised by an F. I would talk to the various people I mentioned above, and then come up with a plan, and then tell your plan to your parents. Tell them you would like their advice on your plan to improve. Also tell them that you are not “person who you admire” and are striving to do your best, not their best. Say that supporting you will be more helpful than yelling at you and you are quite aware of the implications.
^^^ bopper is right. Another possibility, not sure if you can do this: I knew someone back in the day who failed a class, and she retook the class and replaced her grade. Does your school allow this? Might be worth checking out.
My goodness. If you are a freshman, that is a very big adjustment. IN NO WAY are you a failure. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t hit a speed bump now and then in life. I think bopper’s suggestion to talk to your advisor is your first stop. Your advisor has seen many many many kids struggle at some point. That discussion will help you get a better picture of things. Then once you have a plan, then talk to your parents.
There’s no way that failing a class will ruin your future. So once you know how to get on track, your parents will be calmed.
Ah- brings up a bad memory from over 40 years ago. Honors student, junior year required chemistry course in my major. Awfully quiet (thankfully short) ride home with my father after telling him I was getting a C. btw- no honors credit unless a B or better. First time I ever got a grade that low. Did become a physician, which is where I was heading instead of grad school it turned out based on interests. Some fellow chemistry major friends also got C’s and got PhDs in chemistry.
One lousy grade will not kill your planned future. Your parents will get over it. Do not let them badger you et al about this. Kudos to you for figuring out where you went wrong and how to learn the material needed for the future. You need to put the “proper” spin on things. Admit you goofed but have figured things out for the future. A very important lesson learned by you. Finishing the course with a C despite A work on the final means you will have mastered material, and you won’t need to repeat the course.
Life is full of lessons and missteps. If you were privy to the transcripts of every college professor and Nobel Laureate you would find some bad grades along the way. Part of being an adult is still loving your parents but distancing yourself from them- not letting their opinions rule you. Hard when you are still financially dependent as well.
Better to stumble now and pick yourself up than to fall later. You have learned how to deal with misfortune- you may be surprised at the under the surface life of your “cruising” friends. You hit a wall and figured out how to climb over it, they may hit theirs later and not cope as well.
Cheer up- time will heal the hurt.
I appreciate all the replies. Sorry my post wasn’t very clear. I was pretty much sputtering. Yes, I am a college freshman.
I had entered the class thinking it was a review but it turned out the subject went a lot deeper than I anticipated (to the point of beyond recognition) and I screwed up my second midterm and the class became impossible to save. I don’t have any good excuse other than I was just straight out foolish and I didn’t do time management all that well. This started happening in my final year of high school which was what I was referring to.
I plan to continue to go to class and take notes and all but I don’t have any hopes in raising that score and I do hope I can get an A next quarter. Another thing is I honestly do want to retake this course because it’s actually a really interesting course and I was already feeling pretty unsatisfied with the idea of finishing the class with a C. I feel like I need to take things a bit more slowly because I have packed APs and CC classes all my life and it’s becoming a bit hard to breathe now.
When I was writing the post I was just so utterly upset that I didn’t think properly through but I do thank everyone for their input. It was a good reminder that I wasn’t going to drop dead if I failed the course and resilience is definitely a good trait to develop (and something I need to learn).
Another “back in the day story”—only had 2 grades for a class-- Chemistry–midterm and final. That was it. Period.
Midterm was “not good” (to be kind) and I was pretty sure I was gonna fail the class by end of term unless I did something major.
Desperation time. I did EVERY problem in the ENTIRE text over 5 days. Literally, 600 pages of text. Started at page one. I so wish I’d done that sooner. Aced the exam.
It can be done. But it left a mark on me…I did better after that!
OP, glad you are feeling better and proactive about the situation. I want to offer another ray of hope. Many colleges/universities have a policy called freshman forgiveness. Please check with a academic advisor to see if this policy exists at your college and how it works.
Also this may be one of those courses that trips up many freshman. Therefore, tutoring may be available .If not for this quarter, then for the 2nd part of the class which it appears is being offered next quarter. Before you dismiss the suggestion, it is important to know that at all universities it is the BEST students who use the tutoring center.
College is harder than taking all honors/AP classes available in HS. Many top HS students discover they need to study a lot harder than they thought.
Good- you vented, calmed down and figured things out. I recommend a discussion with your college advisor and the professor of that class to be sure this is the optimal solution. No points for going it alone and skipping the advice of those available to you. They may have other suggestions that will help you- that’s part of their jobs. They know their system and certainly have run across your situation numerous times.
Is there any one of us parents who has no scars???
I have mixed thoughts. On one hand, knowing my kid did well in hs, I would hope that he/she would continue into college. On the other hand I know that there can be a huge learning curve/adjustment for a freshman student especially if a kid was in a quarter system for first time. The speed can be brutal. Overall, being honest, an “F” would be a big disappointment to me as parent. But it will be in rear view mirror soon. There are 2 more quarters this year and at least 9 more until you graduate (assuming summers off). The impact/weight of one “F” although not good, can be recovered from. Your chances at a grad/professional school have not disappeared. Talk to your counselor, retake the class if need be, resolve to stay on top of all material from day 1 in future. Move on and upwards. Good luck.
I would withdraw and retake. A W is much less damaging than an F. Your professor may allow you to continue to audit the class to be exposed to the material to better prepare you for your next attempt.
Adjustment to college sometimes has a few bumps along the way. It’s not going to kill your future.
Does your school allow you to replace a grade if you retake a class that you failed? If not, your transcipt will still show a retake and better grade so no worries. Have you found out whether or not withdrawal is possible at this point, for a “W” if need be? That is still an option to look into.
There are a few subtleties in your post that might suggest some burnout. If that is true, nothing wrong with a gap year or semester leave. Harvard’s admissions page used to have an essay on the value of this, don’t know if it is still there, but if it is, it might help with your parents 
I get nervous when students fail and then bank on getting an A the next try. I am sure it is possible. But if you don’t have the motivation in you right now on a day to day basis, or if you think a switch in major or in goals is in order, again, taking a break can do a lot of good.
Good luck!
It appears from other posts the OP is a transfer into a UC.
Can you take the course pass/fail? I remember waaaaayyyy back when I was in college, we were allowed to do that as long as it wasn’t a class toward your major. As long as you can pull a C, you’ll pass the class, and it won’t effect your grade point average.
Honestly, I wouldn’t bother taking the class again if you can pull a C. It would be a waste of money. If you don’t think you can get a C, withdraw and try again. No harm done. Your parents are being a littler overly dramatic about one grade and the trajectory of your future. I get how they feel, since I’m a bit dramatic myself, but they’re just making you feel worse about the situation, and it’s not at all helpful.
How are you doing in your other classes?
I’ll ditto megan–if you can pull the C then take it and move on.
(another way back when story–my Dad (a real rocket scientist) was always understanding when things got tough on the science learning field. He liked to say he made the highest grade on one exam he took–he got a 2. But that was higher than the zeros and negative scores. Let’s just say there wasn’t much grade inflation in the old days!
WHATEVER YOU DO, TALK TO YOUR ADVISER. You still sound like you are going to fail and then retake. this is a BAD idea.