How to deal with college-obsessed parents?

Pre-College Issues High School Life
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Hi guys, so I always thought I was really college-minded, and now that I’m a junior I have to worry a lot more about it. My GPA is pretty good but not great, and same with my SAT. I think my standout quality is my ECs and probably my essay-writing skills. But my parents are absolutely obsessed with the idea of me getting into Stanford (a school that I don’t even want to go to), and think that every single move I make has to be with the goal of getting in in mind.
For instance, today, I brought up to my dad that I wanted to plan a fundraiser for the spring to donate school supplies to our home country (the schools there are seriously underfunded and undersupplied), and he immediately started talking about how I should change it to make it “sound better for college applications”, which, in his mind, was diluting it to either make the funds go to “Africans as a whole” or just a general donation to the NAACP. When I said I wanted to make a measurable difference in our home country, and that I wasn’t doing it for college apps, he flipped and said that now I wouldn’t be allowed to do it at all. A CHARITY EVENT. Basically, in his eyes, if it doesn’t improve my chances of getting into Stanford, it’s worthless.

And no matter how much I try to explain that I am already working my butt off, taking a ton of APs and dual enrollment and improving my grades, they only care about GPA and fail to understand that colleges care about way more than only grades. Trying to explain passion projects to them is worse than talking to a brick wall. They won’t allow me to do many extracurriculars that could seriously help me out in admissions because they don’t follow (what I call) the overused Model UN-Valedictorian-Robotics Club formula.

Am I just crazy and they’re right that GPA is all I should worry about right now? If not, how should I reason with them?

(For context, I have a 3.75 unweighted as a junior but my grades have shown an upward trend, and my school does not do class rank).

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Most colleges actually do care mostly about grades, but the most selective ones, including Stanford, have so many applicants from the top end of the GPA range in hard classes that other things like extracurriculars, essays, etc. become much more important in differentiating admits from the pool of applicants with top-end GPA in hard classes.

As far as extracurriculars that matter, in order:

  1. Be a good enough athlete in a sport that colleges find you to be an attractive recruited athlete.
  2. Do something that shows the highest level of achievement or recognition (international > national > state > local > school).
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This is unfortunate and must be very frustrating for you.

I’m sure you know that your parents are setting themselves up for disappointment. Even with a perfect GPA, high test scores, and stellar EC’s, the odds of getting admitted to Stanford without a “hook” (such as being a recruited athlete) are long. It sounds like you’d be considered an underrepresented minority, so that will be a help, but Stanford is still unlikely. Luckily, you sound like you’re okay with that! You’re a junior, already thinking ahead, and there will be many excellent colleges that will be happy to admit you.

The problem is that your parents aren’t likely to be much help with identifying good match and safety schools, and getting excited about the many good options you will have. You’ll have to find other people who are able to support you from a place of greater objectivity. Here is a good place to start!

In addition to getting your own needs for support and guidance met, you’re unfortunately going to have to deal with your parents’ feelings about the process as well. While I am not recommending that you mislead them about anything, you also don’t have to overshare. Sometimes “smile and nod” is the life skill to call upon.

They’re right that GPA is important. But your grades are not bad, and an improving trend is great. And, you’re right that pursuing genuine passions, and not just trying to jump through hoops for the sake of college admissions, is important too - not just for college admissions, but for you and your path toward becoming the adult you want to be. Unfortunately, your parents may not be able to get into that authentic head-space with you at this point. Hopefully you can find other sources of validation and encouragement, because it sounds like you’re on a good path.

Your parents just want the best for you, and some of their advice may be good. Try to take what helps and “smile and nod” about the rest. You know what you need to do. Get the best grades you can, and pursue EC’s that you care about. Build a balanced list of potential colleges. Talk through your plans and goals with people who can be supportive. You have time, and you don’t need your folks to be on the same page with you every step of the way. Apply to Stanford if they insist; just have other schools on your list that you’ll be happy to attend, and let your parents come around in their own time. All easier said than done, I know, but your relationship with your parents will last much longer than the college admissions process. The day will come when they will be bragging about your accomplishments and insisting that they wanted you to attend College X all along. :slight_smile:

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Thank you so much, this was seriously so helpful! If it wouldn’t be too much to ask, I was wondering if you have any suggestions for good schools to consider applying to?

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What are your interests? Geographic preference? School size? Budget? Want big time athletics? Interested in theatre? Big city, small city? Rural,urban?

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I’d be happy to brainstorm (as I’m sure others here would too), but need to know more about you. What are you interested in, major and career-wise? What are the financial parameters? (Budget, and eligibility for need-based aid) What’s your state of residence?

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You received some great advice from @aquapt. You may also want to share this blog post from MIT’s admissions office: Applying Sideways | MIT Admissions. Although this is referring to MIT, it applies to all colleges, particularly the Top X ones.

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@JBSeattle @aquapt Thanks you guys! I would probably want to double major in CS and international relations/political science, but apply undecided. I would want to go to a school that’s at least somewhat prestigious as well, and probably do grad school as well. My family’s EFC is relatively high (~$40k) so the budget is pretty flexible. My state of residence is California, and I prefer colleges with good social scenes!
I kinda just threw out a bunch of information at you, but I have a more structured version that I posted earlier on the chance/match forum :smiley:

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Thank you! The article you linked was really helpful as well, it definitely made me feel better about not being a “perfect” student :))

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One way to channel your folks’ interest in Stanford would be to have them put their financial info into the Net Price Calculator and see what the projected cost there would be. Stanford is one of the most generous schools in terms of need based aid, so this will give you a “best case scenario” number which is a good first step in figuring out which types of colleges will work for you financially. Estimate Cost : Stanford University If Stanford’s net price is affordable, then try USC’s NPC and see if that looks affordable too USC Financial Aid : Net Price Calculator

Secondly, if you’re thinking about combining CS with social sciences (poli sci, IR, etc.), you might consider whether you really want CS (i.e. a deep dive into the nuts and bolts of software architecture and so on) or whether something more in the data science, data analytics, info science sphere might fit your interests better. It’s still computational, and you still learn to code, but it’s more focused on computational approaches to the study of other fields (including the ones that interest you) and the “big data” associated with them. This major at Stanford (the better to discuss with your parents, haha) https://datasciencemajor.stanford.edu/academics/undergraduate-ba-program is a good example.

I’ll move over to your other thread to discuss specific colleges. But it will be important to think about majors before applying to the CA publics and other schools that admit by major, because applying to CS can turn matches into reaches and reaches into super-reaches… but not applying to CS can mean that there’s no real chance of switching into CS later.

I’ll save specific brainstorming about schools for your other thread.

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As I have often written, it is healthier to find a college that fits you, rather than trying to fit you to a particular college.

Filtering everything you do through the filter of college admissions can really distort your high school experience.

How much control do your parents have over what you do? Can you do the fundraiser as you originally wanted? Can you pursue the interests that you genuinely have? Can you tell your parents less about what you are doing (while still giving them respect as parents)?

It sounds like you are a hard worker. I hope you have good friends and also enjoy yourself.

In California you have excellent public universities. There are other schools on your other thread, apparently, but in CA I would definitely apply to state universities as a priority. (I believe EC’s are less important there…) During college, you can intern, work, volunteer and get summer jobs to enhance job prospects.

In the meantime I hope you can enjoy the rest of high school. If your parents create stress (and of course they are doing so out of love), talk to your guidance counselor or other counselor at school.

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Can your parents pay the EFC you mention? If so, UCs and CSUs are likely to be in budget, but it is best to apply as a CS major there, since it will be difficult to change into CS later after enrolling at many campuses.

Here is some information about UC admission selectivity:

Recalculate your HS GPA with GPA Calculator for the University of California – RogerHub . Use the weighted capped version for the table below.

Fall 2021 admission rates by campus and HS GPA range from Freshman fall admissions summary | University of California :

Campus 4.20+ 3.80-4.19 3.40-3.79 3.00-3.39
Berkeley 30% 11% 2% 1%
Davis 85% 55% 23% 10%
Irvine 60% 31% 14% 1%
Los Angeles 29% 6% 1% 0%
Merced 97% 98% 96% 89%
Riverside 97% 92% 62% 23%
San Diego 75% 35% 5% 1%
Santa Barbara 73% 28% 4% 1%
Santa Cruz 91% 81% 46% 9%

These are for the whole campus. Different divisions or majors may have different levels selectivity (usually, engineering and computer science majors are more selective).

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My opinion…it doesn’t matter what you call it. It’s not going to move the needle on a Stanford admission.

You know….just apply, and let it go. The acceptance rate is teeny.

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My sympathies. The short answer is you will not be able to reason with your parents. In the four years I’ve participated in this forum, I’ve seen many students in your situation. I don’t think I’ve seen one where the parents had a sudden change of mind and decided “any very good” university is good enough. Parents who think T30 enrollment is the only goal don’t easily change and say “Cal State X or Creighton U is good enough.”

My best suggestion for your sanity is to continue doing what you’re doing in school, try to do the ECs that make you happiest while not angering your parents, and try to add as many “other” schools to your application list that you can.

Explain to your parents about how rejective Stanford (and similar schools) really are. Explain that 95% of all applicants are denied enrollment. Explain to your parents that these other schools are backup plans in case the record high application statistics at Stanford work out negatively for your admission chances.

Don’t try to convince your parents to drop their obsession with high-ranked schools. Appeal to their good sense and logic by showing them you need a back-up list of schools so you can make a good choice if Stanford (and its ilk) do not admit you. Tell them you don’t want all your (and their) hard work to go to waste on a foolish “Stanford or nothing” plan. Tell them you’re not saying NO to Stanford - tell them you’re saying “if I don’t get in, let’s have some great options that aren’t in the top 50.”

You’ve done great so far. Keep up the fantastic work. Best of luck to you.

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I say this only slightly in jest: have your parents sign up for College Confidential and post some questions. I would be pretty sure that the CC community would, in a nice way, help them see how difficult it is to get into these “top schools” regardless of grades, EC, etc.

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I just want to say that your worth is not defined by 2 people nor the college you attend.
You will do great and amazing things!

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In addition to all the good responses so far, perhaps your HS has a college night for juniors and their parents? Typically those nights are good for setting expectations. If not, you could have your HS GC speak directly with your parents, once the process kicks off.

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I think that this is a very good project. I think that it would be a good EC to list on your Stanford application, and on the application to other schools.

You are in California. My understanding is that the various Universities of California do not care about your freshman year. An upward trend will help.

You are going to need some financial aid if you attend most private schools. It might be helpful to run the NPC on schools that you consider. However…

California has a lot of very good instate public universities (including the CSU’s).

I agree with the idea of running the NPC for Stanford (Google “net price calculator stanford university”) and see what the result is. You will need to get information from your parents to run the NPC, and will want to show the results to them.

Stanford is a high reach for the strongest students. If you are URM this will help a bit there.

I got my master’s degree at Stanford. The other students in the same program had come from a very, very wide range of other universities. Many had come from in-state public universities. You might suggest to your parents to save a bit of money for your bachelor’s degree with an in-state public university, and then consider Stanford and other schools for a master’s degree. If nothing else, this might put off their pushing for Stanford for four years (or more).

This is very true.

I noticed that someone already recommended the “applying sideways” blog on the MIT admissions web site. The idea is to do what you want to do, and do it really well. This is what I did to get into MIT for undergrad and Stanford for my masters. It is what one daughter did to get into a highly ranked DVM program. However, we did very, very different things. What my daughter did to get into a DVM program for example included reaching inside a cow, which is something that I would have never considered doing (Ew). If you do what is right for you, then it is likely to help you get accepted to a university that is right for you.

One option would be to major in CS, and just take the classes in IR and political science.

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Grades from 9th grade courses are not included in GPA recalculations for UC and CSU frosh applicants. However, the courses must be passed with C or higher grades to count toward the subject requirements (English, math, science, history / social studies, language other than English, visual and performing art), and UC admission readers will see courses and grades listed in the application.

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I know a kid whose profile was much like yours. In fact, he has been dedicated to bringing resources to his village in his home country. He’s thriving at Tufts, which could be an interesting fit for you (if it looks affordable on the NPC).

There are plenty of schools that will value your desire to change at least one part of the world and provide a great education.

Your dad wants the best for you without knowing that the best doesn’t come from just one place. That’s not so unusual – the U.S. university system is so different from that in other places.

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