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<p>Jym, my grandmother had the same “problem.”</p>
<p>She, as will you, lived a long time and gave her diamonds to her granddaughters. My grandfather, in the meantime, “assisted” the boys in purchasing their engagement rings… </p>
<p>YMMV</p>
<p>That’s a great idea. Hope they don’t have sons! </p>
<p>All kidding aside, I was thinking of letting them each have a stone to reset, when the time comes. My grandmother’s stone is a round, but old european cut, and is currently set in a necklace. My mothers is a beautiful traditional round stone with baguettes. It is large. As I said, larger than mine. I am ambivalent about giving it to anyone, which leaves just the grandmother’s stone , if I hang onto mine and my mother’s.
Well, they can have the silver… 
I have my mothers and grandmothers sets too.</p>
<p>It was pretty simple . Each of our 4 kids were given a lump sum of about 100k for college . One kid attended where had 50% merit aid , and had a lucrative co- op for 7 months of junior year , so he will have money for grad school . Another spent it in 2 years and got a student loan . Another is at Ivy League school , having turned down 3 full scholarships to go there . Her money will be gone in 2 years . We think this was a simple way to deal with this issue .</p>
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<p>Wouldn’t it make more sense to say, “if you come in under budget, the extra will go to [professional school or whatever]”? A $50,000/year school with a $20,000/year scholarship/grant is still more expensive than a $30,000/year school with a $5,000/year scholarship/grant.</p>
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<p>No adjustment for inflation? It is entirely possible that $100,000 would have paid all costs for four years at an in-state public university with money left over a few years ago (first kid), but come up short at the same university now or a few years from now (fourth kid).</p>
<p>*We’re trying to avoid this situation by offering kids the same amount of money per year for college and telling them “it is up to you how much debt you would like to assume”. *</p>
<p>I agreed with this earlier, but I would add that it’s appropriate to adjust for inflation. If you’d pay for the state flagship for Child #1, then that’s the amount for Child #2 and so forth.</p>
<p>That said, if one child has special needs, then that is a whole different ballgame.</p>
<p>However, I can understand Cbug’s situation…they were “green” when looking for colleges for child #1. It’s not like the child dug in his/her heels and demanded the pricier school. In that case, I’d help out with the loans.</p>
<p>We took a little different approach. About 10 years ago we told each of our Ds that we would pay for 3 of 4 years and they needed to save enough funds to pay for their 4th year. Now fortunately D1 is a hpapy junior at a large state school and has been on track in savings, wihtout too high of a hurdle. D2 is by comparison a little behind but not much. She is looking at more expensive options though, but will likely do better on the scholarship front, so net costs differences are hopefully in a reasonable tolerance.</p>
<p>At first glance you may think we have the same issue, but only 75% of it, i.e. 3 years vs. 4. But, what it did do is set the tone early and provided some money management skills to be built up. It also provided some sense that their choices would have an impact on them, but not in an overwhelming way. Also as they get ever closer to the point in time where they will be parting with a large amount of their own money, there may be a greater sense of purpose/seriousness. </p>
<p>For us, we have a one year overlap in tuition due to their ages, which will be substantially dealt with. At the other end, as we get a bit closer to retirement and will be in later 50s, it takes little edge of. </p>
<p>Hope it is some food for thought. Doesn’t work for everyone and there are infinite permetations around this whole question. We think at some point in time, after weddings and whatever life does bring we may eventually consider the question of settling up in some way. But for now no changes in the will, etc., just feels too early. And if they ask, that’s what they’ll hear. So far they haven’t, perhaps because they feel some ownership in this whole thing… Good luck though, so far we’ve been blessed.</p>
<p>We were prepared to pay for full cost of college for both our daughters. They only caveat being that cost of attending not be more than state flagship (UIUC.)</p>
<p>D1 chose private school and received enough in scholarships that total costs just about matched those of UIUC. Following her graduation she participated in an Americorp program that also provided funding for her masters.</p>
<p>D2 chose private school and received a full scholarship (tuition & room/board) plus enough in local scholarships to cover costs of books and a few fees. D2 will not receive any of the monies we would have paid for her undergraduate education. We may, if needed, pay for graduate school. </p>
<p>D1 and D2 are both lovely daughters, but they have different gifts. Trying to be “fair” by giving D2 extras because she has been blessed with a quick and and deep intellect does not seem right.</p>
<p>We are thinking, though, of putting the funds we would have spent on D2s education in a savings account for the grandchildren we hope one day to have.</p>
<p>My parents had eight children and they helped them through college based on each one’s needs and aspirations. (We all also had loans.) There is no resentment between us that the folks aided some siblings more than others.</p>
<p>OP - Thank you for bringing up a really interesting question. It’s definitely worth some thought.</p>
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<p>Yes, this is a great point!!</p>
<p>Often on these boards, you see advice along the lines of “no school is worth $XXX debt; only go if you can pay for it.” But that’s crazy, because the money needs to be earned, either before or after. Sure, debt is unpleasant, but so is forking over the results of your work upfront. Either a school is worth the price they’re offering you, or it’s not.</p>
<p>The same concept applies here, when thinking about equalizing the money factor.</p>
<p>After 5 pages it is clear that the OP’s question is a Rorschach on both child rearing and money (actually it was pretty clear after only two). There is no “right” answer, only a continuum of many different but similar answers stretching from “It’s my child’s choice how much debt to take on” to “We will do everything we can for them”. And the answers also vary depending on our own financial levels and percieved security.</p>
<p>I understand the need for us as parents and the benefits for our children of teaching them to assume personal responsibility. But my sticking point is that I don’t see how or believe that any US child, when a senior in HS, can fully appreciate the psychic toll and pressures of large debt. Or the changes and decision choices it will create or force upon them after graduation. While most of us try to teach our children and help them mature, to prepare them for life, we also try to shelter them and give them as much security and confidence as possible too getting started. Othewise we probably would not be at this site. And God knows they will face the vicissitudes of life soon enough.</p>
<p>For those of you who let your children decide how much debt to take on, or who don’t believe that “fair is equal”, what do you do to help your children really understand the consequences of the choices they are making at age 18?</p>
<p>Daughter at Harvard will run out of money this year . We will see where we are financially , but she may get extra funds . She is working 2 jobs to contribute 5k towards her tuition . She turned down several 4 year scholarships to attend H where we don’t get any aid . She is the baby .</p>
<p>You mailbox is full</p>
<p>Great question by the OP … a couple thoughts and no answers …</p>
<p>When I was a newbie on CC I my position was each kid would get a set amount and they are responsible for their choice and making up any gap in expenses. The two biggest lessons I have learned on CC are
<p>And I can see equal debt after graduation as one of these situations. It is certainly “fair” if each kid is $30,000 in debt in graduation. However is it the best outcome if child #1 has a $30k debt and the investment banker job on Wall Street s/he always wanted and child #2 has a $30k debt and the inner city preschool teacher job s/he always wanted.</p>
<p>I think this is a very tough question … Mom3ToGo and I are struggling with a similar question as we work through our estate planning … is giving each an equal share the best thing if the need is not the same? No answers in this home yet!</p>
<p>I think there are a lot of ways to look at this issue and probably no “right” answer…different families, different financial circumstances and different priorities.</p>
<p>Mathmom basically summed up our situation: we will pay for a college education for each of our children, whatever school is the best fit. Our situation is that we have one child in college and one in HS. We live in a state with excellent public choices at a reasonable price, but College S chose a private institution that does not award merit aid and we do not qualify for need based aid. It is a good fit for him and although we would much rather pay instate tuition (obviously! ) we don’t regret this choice. If S2 chooses a similar path, fine; if he chooses our State U, that’s fine too. Or maybe his choice will be one that will give merit aid. But he won’t get a “rebate” for choosing a less expensive program. I guess this falls into the “fair doesn’t always mean equal” category.
It also helps us a bit that there is no overlap of their college years. Oh - and we also have said the expectation is to get your degree in 4 years.</p>
<p>We have a 13 yr gap between the 2 who attended college so our own income went up during that time–meaning the older went to an Ivy but received much help from the place, while Baby goes to a private and does receive a scholarship, but borrows twice as much as Older Sis. And Mom & Pop pay more than we did for OS too.</p>
<p>Older Sis has had a highly paying job in computer field, bought her house with huge down payment, has paid off more than half of her mortgage.</p>
<p>Younger wants to major in studio art (freshman, too early to see if she persists) but will in any case not go into the science or technical area as her talents are simply not there.</p>
<p>We are probably going to arrange things in the will so she receives the house or a greater percentage of the assets–as OS will always be better off, even if only by virtue of having had a 13 yr “head start.” However, Little Sis is going to pay off her loans on her own. I really do think it grows them up.</p>
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<p>Another excellent question. Our answer was to make the kids work paying jobs, at least seasonally, and cover some of their own expenses. Both started working at 15. It’s hard for an 18 year old to think long term, but when a kid is standing before you, first paycheck in hand, and you’re reminding her she has to pay X, you can throw in a “now imagine that XX more out of that check would have to go to student loans.” Will it work for every kid. Well, no, but in our case d’11 chose the “boring” local school where mom works over out of town dream school because she’d have had to borrow at dream school.</p>
<p>To those planning on “equalizing” things via your estate plan- make sure to listen to a variety of viewpoints before you set up a plan which treats your children differently. Unless one child has a disability or needs a trust to care of his/her care/medical needs, there is a lot of data that suggests that treating the kids differently once you are gone can set up a very bad dynamic which may last for decades. You won’t be around to smooth things over! Things change- a child with a high paying job may suffer years of unemployment down the road; the kid who teaches Head Start in the inner city may marry a dermatologist; the kid who “will never need a dime” of mom and dad’s help after college could be wiped out after paying for a liver transplant or years of infertility treatments, etc.</p>
<p>So think long and hard before you decide to let your death be the great “equalizer” of whatever differences there have been in your financial support of your kids education. And many an estate has been reduced to dribs and drabs by the time you’re gone anyway-- you may have wiped out your own nest egg paying for long term care!</p>
<p>a tale of two sons and funds.</p>
<p>Told both kids early on that we could pay for each to attend an instate public and graduate debt free. We have a very good state univ. system and both were very happy to attend our state u’s. </p>
<p>A large part of their (separate) college savings funds was U.S. Savings Bonds bought over the years in each kid’s name. They were told that any leftover savings bond money in the fund would be theirs upon graduation to get started in life,grad school, whatever. </p>
<p>S1 got a full ride at big in-state u. (tuition,fees,room,board,books). In addition he worked about 20 hr./week throughout college years while taking 18-20 hrs per sem. Was mostly self-sufficient in college. Midway through college, he needed a vehicle so part of his fund was used to buy a 6 yr. old used truck. The rest remained intact. He graduated with about half of the cost of four years at state u. in the bank. He has a good job and has been totally self-sufficient since graduation. </p>
<p>S2 is full pay at different big in-state u. No scholarships and no jobs during college. We’ve had to subsidize his living expenses. Will grad. in May. Will likely have to move back home with us. If he finds a job away from home, I can see us having to loan him money to get started. He is driving a truck that was DH’s and is comparable to S1’s.
He will still graduate debt free but there will be very little remaining in his college fund. </p>
<p>We promised they would graduate debt free. We’ve held up our end of the bargain. We don’t feel badly that S1 ended up with a lot more in the bank than S2. He worked a lot harder for it and S2 knows it so has no complaints. S1 is a hard worker and S2 takes the path of least resistance. A tale of two sons and funds.</p>
<p>Both are treated equally in our will.</p>
<p>re. the last couple posts … </p>
<p>I raised estate planning as another example (and we were thinking specifically about if one of our kids or their kids has a severe medical condition) of where deciding how to support the kids can get complicated … the question about funding undergrad is a tough one … what about if one want to go to med school and one has no grad school interests … or one asks for help buying a house in a high cost area while the others live in low cost areas. The whole time we are parents we are going to face a serious of questions of what is the best way to support our kids and what is the “most fair” to them in that situation and in whole.</p>
<p>blossom—don’t worry about the “equalizing” issue in the estate plan! It is a modest house. And we have seen plenty, in our own families. </p>
<p>Things also depend on when Mom & Dad “go”— if we were to die today, the younger who has just started college obviously needs more help from the estate than the older who is on her own, has own house, job etc. Even if only to pay the tuition. </p>
<p>And, as you say, it is most likely we will have used most of our assets on ourselves anyway.</p>
<p>Back in the day when cards cost less than a dollar, my grandmother would equalize all of the costs. Each Christmas, Easter and birthday we kids would hope we’d get the cheapest card, 'cause on the back would be taped a dime or nickel and a penny or two so that she didn’t spend more on one than the other! I never asked her about the unfairness in that - if you got the cheapest card, you could end up with a card like your older sister, but also a popsicle from Mr. Malley’s store down the block.</p>
<p>It’s not possible to be truly fair, I guess!</p>