<p>D has had the same boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. Kind of a friendship, really good friends, then boy-girl friends. They will be going to schools a couple of hours away - neither have a car. They see each other a couple of times a week now - usually at our house/his house for dinner (parents present), lunch/dinner out together, walks at the park, movies - typical stuff. He is a nice guy, but MY OPINION is that she should not tie herself down to one person - yet, that is who she is in many ways - extremely loyal. </p>
<p>While they only see each other a couple times a week, they talk on the phone EVERY night for anywhere from 1-2 hours. Drives me nuts. It's usually late - between 10 and midnight. It such a part of her routine (she is also very routine oriented). I swear it's as much a part of her bedtime routine as her bedtime story was when she was little!!</p>
<p>In about a month, friends will start leaving for college. D will be one of the last, leaving Sept. 1. Her BF will leave around Aug 20th. I anticipate a hard falling when he leaves. I would also LIKE to tell her that she needs to curb her calls a bit - she will not be able to afford this kind of time at school if she wants to get to bed at a decent hour (which she does like to do during the school year). I feel annoyed everynight when she heads off for her nightly call - especially when she complains that "the night goes so fast" or "I hardly have time to do anything once I get home from work, etc.". </p>
<p>Her BF is a nice guy- treats her well - but honestly, he can be very annoying and kind of odd (the rest of the family agrees with me) I just want her to see that there are other "opportunities" out in the world. Maybe this will come naturally once she gets to school...?</p>
<p>I guess I'm looking for advice:
- do I zip my mouth - let things fall where they may for the next month?
- do I tell her how I feel - she has heard my thoughts on the subject to a degree before...</p>
<p>If she's already heard your feelings on the subject, I'd say zip it. If she's not in any danger from bf, and it's just because you don't like the idea of her having a bf, I can't see anything productive coming out of another discussion.</p>
<p>It's going to be up to her to manage her time once she's away from home and at school. LOTS of people have relationships in college, some long distance, some not. And there are plenty of other things as well that she could do once she's away from you that might distract her from her studies- there's no way you will be able to protect her from all that. </p>
<p>You could do like a mom on another thread did- not allow your daughter to go anywhere except the local college! ;)</p>
<p>Also, I recommend planning a ton of fun stuff with her between Aug. 20th
and September 1st. Treat her to movies, shopping, outings, parties with her
girlfriends. Keep her so busy she has no time to mope around. Make her see
that life without a boyfriend can be a good time, too.</p>
<p>I don't know what your social set is like, but I think generally among the population that goes away to college, the number of people who marry their high school honeys is pretty low, and even then it rarely happens without some significant interregnum of seing other people. Especially in college, where the "opportunities" are legion and enticing. So I wouldn't waste too much energy worrying about that.</p>
<p>Criticizing the boyfriend's personal qualities . . . well, you already know how far THAT will get you. There's no good outcome. Your daughter will be angry at you even if she secretly agrees. She will probably be angriest if she secretly agrees.</p>
<p>As for the phone calls . . . let her work that out on her own. She will probably continue them to some extent at the outset of college, when it will be a comforting way to deal with the scariness. I bet that it tails off pretty quickly, though, from both ends, as they have other demands on their time and other interesting people to attend to whom they will see sooner than Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>I agree to zip it. Their relationship will most likely fall apart after a few months since they are at different schools as the both get busy with college life & meet new people. If you butt in now, your dd might actually cling tighter to the relationship out of rebellion & loyalty to him.</p>
<p>To address your feelings of annoyance, perhaps you could invite her to do something privately with you, maybe go out for a treat in the evening.</p>
<p>My older D (soon to be a college senior) had the same high school boyfriend for a length of time similar to your D. He was also a very nice kid she met at church. He was staying in town to go to local U and she was heading away to go to State U. I talked to her before she left for college about how she would really be missing out on college life if they maintained their relationship and recommended that she end it before she left. As you would expect, she was very tearful and let me know she would not be doing that!!</p>
<p>Low and behold, when she got to StateU and involved in the Honors Program and Honors Housing (they plan a lot of social activities, have their own government, etc.), she saw Mom was right and even admitted it a year or two down the road. High School boyfriend made the trip to the campus ONCE in September, she showed him her housing, they went out to eat, etc. and she broke it off the same month. She just closed that door and headed into her future - I hate to say he took it harder. </p>
<p>As others have said, I think these things work themselves out. I have seen very few h.s. relationship withstand the distance and all the great kids they meet in college.</p>
<p>First off good luck. I had to deal with the same situation with my son and he tried to keep the fires burning but finally succumbed to the greater forces of college life. He later told me I was right and should have listened earlier but also thanked me for not pushing the issue that he had to learn for himself.
Second off, if the boy is annoying, she will figure that out also on her on terms.</p>
<p>I also vote leave it alone ... the couple will figure it out for themselves.</p>
<p>When I was in school I used to run a pool where entrants had to guess the date all the freshman HTH (home-town-honey) relationships would fail. I went to a good school where very few kids were local so all the HTH relationships had some serious distance involved (at least 3 hours by car). Most ended within a week or so of Thanksgiving break ... probably 3/4 ended by the end of Christmas break ... and I'd guess less than 5% survived a year ... and very-very few survived 4 years. A couple can make it through and there is no reason not to try ... but it's not all that likely.</p>
<p>I also agree that talking more serves no purpose and might cause friction, and I also think the idea of planning things for her to do between Aug 20 and Sept 1 is a great idea.</p>
<p>But now I'm going to tell a contrarian story. Spring of my freshman year of college, I started dating a boy who was a senior in the HS I'd gone to (we didn't meet till after I'd graduated.) He went off to a different college, 12 hours away. We wrote (no cell phones then) and spent all vacation times together. Somehow we both "resisted" the call of all the available kids in our respective colleges.</p>
<p>AFter a year, I transfered to his college--disaster, right? Well, not always. It was a much better school than the one I'd been at. We stayed together througout college, married after, and are still a very happy couple with two terrific kids. </p>
<p>I say this not to say that it is likely, but just that it is possible, and to caution other parents not to count it as a loss or failing of some type in their kid if they should actually settle down with somehow young--if it's the right person, it's the right person.</p>
<p>Echoing Garland. I married my OAO from high school 3 weeks after the younger of us graduated from college. We went to different colleges about 8 hours apart and saw eachother once a month. Lots and lots of letters.....</p>
<p>Garland -- I don't think that counts as a contrarian story, exactly. Someone you met at 19 after you had gone to college is a lot different from someone you started going out with as a high school sophomore, even if you happened to have gone to the same high school.</p>
<p>I know four adult couples who were high school sweethearts. As far as I can tell, they are all pretty wonderful marriages. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But of those four couples, only one was together continuously from high school through marriage, and the two of them are 70 now. The others all spent at least part of their college years broken up (one of the couples barely saw each other for six years before reuniting).</p>
<p>Another vote for zip it, plan some activities after the bf is gone, and let the young folks figure it out. </p>
<p>Think of it this way: if you're always commenting/pushing/whatever, then if you find her heading for what you perceive to be a really big mistake, your comments are nothing new. Whereas if you've always been reticent, your input <em>may</em> stand out, e.g., "In case of emergencies, break glass."</p>
<p>I understand your feelings about the subject and you don't want to see your daughter miss out on feeling very open to meeting new friends and a new social life on campus if tied to a boy who is elsewhere. I agree with others that the odds are that the relationship from high school doesn't last through the first year of college. However, a few do. But most don't. It is hard for these kids to see what that will be like now. But that's fine as it will evolve and what will be, will be. So, it is a very common thing. And there are a lot of breakups by Thanksgiving and XMas. And if it was meant to be, then they'll work it out. </p>
<p>One of my kids had a high school boyfriend with whom she was very close when she graduated. In her situation, she graduated HS a year early at the end of junior year and the boyfriend therefore was going to be in senior year back home while she was at college six hours away. I do recall discussing this a bit, but do not think I persuaded her to do anything but we talked about the situation sometimes. By the way, I liked this boy and he treated her extremely well. My personal view was I'd like to see her feel open to enjoying college, including meeting new boys, and to not feel tied down to the boy back in high school at home whom she was basically never going to see the entire year (she was home two days at Thanksgiving, one week at XMAS and that was it, and was away over the summers too.) I don't know how fun it was going to be to date someone she never saw and to miss out on whatever opportunities arose at school. It so happens, she AGREED with this concept and felt the same way. </p>
<p>She was going to have a very very hard time telling this boy because he had no motivation to break up because he was not the one going anywhere. I would characterize this particular nice boy as smitten with my daughter. There was no way he would have chosen to stop dating. I've seen things he has written about wanting to marry her someday (she was 16!). It wasn't like she wanted to break up over any conflict. She really liked him a lot too. But she wanted to go off to college and be free to not be committed to him. She tried to ease into it and had to eventually make it clear the nights leading up to her departure. I know this was very hard for him because in his case, my daughter seemed to be his "life." For him, everything revolved about her. For her, it was not that way as she had pursuits that were separate. She liked having a boyfriend but the relationship was not the centerpiece of her life. For the boy, a lot of his pursuits were due to her encouraging him to do those things. For her, her pursuits were a main facet of her life on their own. Anyway, she did break off the committment when she went to college and dated other boys. She has remained good friends with the boy from home but has rarely seen him as she is rarely here. I know he took this hard. He now is in college too (in state) and enjoying himself. I just saw him the other night and gave him a big hug as I am fond of him. My D was moving on to a new life. However, I never persuaded her to do this, but we did talk openly about it. I'm not saying you need to do that but you could ask her about what she thinks about dating someone from home while in college without giving your thoughts on it. Again, it will all work out however it does for these kids and the odds are that they may not be going out that long in college. You'll have to just watch and see. </p>
<p>While NOT the same situation at all, I did meet my husband in October of my freshman year of college and I was 18 (he was 20). I got married at 20 after my soph year (30th anniv. this month) but for the life of me, can't imagine either of my D's (one a rising junior, 18, and one a rising senior, 20) getting married now. :D</p>
<p>I would suggest zipping it -- except for one thing.</p>
<p>I'm concerned about those long nightly phone calls not so much for the time they take but for the money they're going to cost when the two kids are at school. These will probably be toll calls (if they use their dorm room phones) or will use up vast numbers of cell phone minutes (if they use cell phones). Moreover, a two-hour phone call in a shared room could drive a roommate nuts.</p>
<p>Can you suggest to them that they experiment now with a nightly IM session rather than a nightly phone call? IM doesn't cost anything and doesn't disturb other people in the room. If they find that this IM feels comfortable to them, great. If not, they had better find themselves cell phone plans with lots of minutes (and a means to pay for them), and they had better anticipate sitting in the dorm corridor or some other location outside their rooms for those long phone calls because otherwise their roommates are likely to hit them over the head with the nearest available blunt object.</p>
<p>I had the same situation when I was going to college. I say "zip it" too. Things will take their natural course. With me, I stayed with my boyfriend for 2 years and then it was over. In your daughter's case, she may need the boyfriend to talk with as she adjusts to college. Then you'll see whether the relationship lasts or not. Give her the space and freedom to experience her life as she sees fit. That is the best gift we can give our kids. She sounds like a responsible and bright young lady. Show her you have faith in her and her decisions and just love her through it.</p>
<p>My sister had a BF and both sets of families insisted they go to different schools, away from home for 1 yr. then they could transfer if they wanted. After the one year, both moved home, went to the local university, married the weekend after graduation. Still married with 3 kids. Granted it was before cell phones and internet. But those have changed the going away experience for all of our kids. </p>
<p>I agree, leave it alone and it will take it's course. Try to interfere and you will drive the opposite behavior of what you want and drive her away from you. You can't control what happens when she leaves anyhow. Just stay supportive.</p>
<p>I attended my 30th h.s. reunion last fall. Three "class couples" were there, all happily married with kids. Only one couple had gone to the same college & dated each other exclusively (the others may have been loyal, as well. They attended different colleges. I really have no idea!) It can happen. It usually doesn't. H & I met as college freshmen. I call him the Grade A catch because the male:female ratio at our school was 10:1. </p>
<p>Now, if my kids met what they considered future spouses as 17 year old kids, I'd probably be as anxious as anyone else, despite my own happy experience.</p>
<p>Always appropriate to quote from time to time (from The Fantasticks):</p>
<p>Dog's got to bark, a mule's got to bray
Soldiers must fight and preachers must pray
And children, I guess, must get their own way
The minute that we say "No"!</p>
<p>Why did the kids pour jam on the cat?
Raspberry jam all over the cat?
Why did the kids do something like that?
When all that we said was "No".</p>
<p>My son was once afraid to swim,
The water made him wince
Until I said he musn't swim . . .
Been swimming ever since
Been swimming ever since . . . . Oh,</p>
<p>Dog's got to bark, etc.</p>
<p>Why did the kids put beans in their ears?
No one can hear with beans in their ears.
After a while the reason appears
They did it cause we said "No".</p>
<p>Your daughter brings a young man in
Says "Do you like him, Pa?"
You say that he's a fool and then
You've got a son-in-law
You've got a son-in-law . . . Oh,</p>
<p>Sure as the night comes right after day
Sure as a June comes right after May
You can be sure the Devil's to pay
The minute that you say "No"
Make sure you never say . . . "Nooooooooo"!</p>
<p>(From about 1960, I think. They were talking about us.)</p>