I’m not very good at socializing and I really want my teachers to like me enough to write good recs later this year. There’s one teacher who I think liked me before-- he cold called on me a lot and not really on anybody else-- and he’d always smile at me because I was one of his favorite students last year. But this year, I’ve been facing some personal issues, and my grades in his class have dropped, I don’t participate, and I don’t seem engaged (admittedly, I’m really not sometimes). He’s stopped calling on me and I can tell he’s disappointed in me. I’m also pretty rude sometimes and I ignore him (I really don’t mean it!). I’ve been thinking of talking with him about my change in attitude, but I’m not sure how to go about it and what my reasons would be.
The other teacher I would like to get a rec from, my English teacher, just doesn’t seem to get to know her students personally unless they’re her favorites. I participate regularly and I say some pretty darn good things, but I don’t know how to take the relationship further.
Anyway, is there any advice for a generally quiet, awkward kid to get a teacher to like him/her without ending up being a suck-up or one of those crazy people who has a secret crush on the teacher? And for my personal issue, what should I do to approach those teachers? I was thinking of trying to have casual conversations with them, but I’m not sure how I could do that without seeming unnatural. I’d love to have more personal conversations outside the subject matter as well, but I’m not sure how to lead up to something like that.
How did you guys get good relationships with your teachers? Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks!
EDIT: I can appear pretty annoyed and sullen in class. But really, I’m usually not.
I’m having a similar problem! But, I’d say you should definitely talk to the teacher whom you were the favorite of; if you are afraid of him judging you then maybe send him an email about what you’re problems were and your change in attitude. Unfortunately, a large portion of teachers pick favorites out of the smartest people in the class with the highest test scores and most participation. However, if your teachers are really friendly then go ahead and befriend them! An average student who is friends with the teacher will be recognized more when receiving good grades than the best student who never talks to the teacher. You’re in high school! It doesn’t hurt to open up to teachers, especially when it comes to advise for improvement, etc. Good luck!!!
@raffie I do plan on speaking to him, but I’m still figuring out how to approach him without acting like a suck up. Thanks for the good luck. I hope you get your problem sorted out too!
It isn’t “sucking up” to not be rude or sullen in class, and to do the work and be engaged. That seems like the minimum required to me if you want a decent recommendation. I have to wonder why you expect a teacher to give you a good rec if you can’t be respectful and try hard in their subject area.
@intparent That’s not what I’m doing. I’m genuinely trying in his class. My facial expressions are not always that great, but I do the work and try to be engaged. I’m trying to fix the lack of engagement I’ve been exhibiting this year, but I’m also trying to take the relationship a bit further and that’s what I’m asking about.
Teachers seem to like students who are genuinely interested in learning. They like you even more if you actually have enough discipline and skill to follow through on that interest.
“I don’t participate, and I don’t seem engaged (admittedly, I’m really not sometimes)… I’m also pretty rude sometimes and I ignore him (I really don’t mean it!)”
“I’m genuinely trying in his class.” That seems unlikely.
Trying to be his buddy outside of class isn’t going to fix this. If you are having severe personal problems that are affecting your behavior in class to the point where you are being rude to him (!), this will be difficult to fix, but it might help if you ask to see him and explain the difficult time you have been going through lately, that you realize you haven’t been at your best in his class, and hopefully that you are working on getting back on track. But I think you really have to make an effort to improve.
As professionals, we have the obligation to tell the truth.
I’ll couch it as nicely as I can, but I will NOT sacrifice my professional reputation by lying about the kids I teach. I tell the truth in letters of recommendation.
What truth do you want him to write??? That you USED to be a good kid, but now : “and my grades in his class have dropped, I don’t participate, and I don’t seem engaged (admittedly, I’m really not sometimes)… I’m also pretty rude sometimes and I ignore him.”
I would go to your teacher for extra help outside of class. This will show an interest in his class and teachers like when students care. You say that you know you ignore him, so don’t. Make conversation. Say hi to him when you go into class, say have a nice day when you leave etc. This is also the first step to having a more personal relationship. Also even though it might be hard, try your best to participate and pay attention. He’s not going to write you a rec if you don’t pay attention.
Personally, I wouldn’t tell him about your issue unless it’s severe because he might think you’re making excuses, which would result in not a good rec.
Thanks everyone. I used to hang out in his office during my free periods and talk about history, so I’ll be doing that. I understand that it’s up to me and I’ll be putting in the effort so please stop accusing me of not acknowledging that.
I’m also very shy, so I’ve learned how to “participate” without actually talking. I rarely answer questions, but my teachers have said I’ve a great listener.
Show you’re paying attention by making eye contact & doing well in the class. If you need extra help, ask.
It’s been awhile since you posted this but you could always try interviewing a teacher. I’m doing an independent project and after my interviews most of the teachers called on me and joked around with me more. It breaks down the barriers of thinking that they’re “just an educator” and you’re “just a student”.
It is not a pre-requisite of the student/teacher relationship that you socialize with your teachers. You are not their peer, nor should that be a demand or expectation.
As you were a student who frequently engaged last year, and felt that was received extremely well, a big concern I have as a parent whose children sit in class for many hours a day is, has no one on the faculty approached you to inquire about the change in your classroom activity, participation and engagement?
Teachers do have the presence of mind, and many the training, to be aware when critical changes have occurred in their students, and will often make an inquiry of the student, and an offer to the student to make themselves available for consults. Has this happened for you?
@Waiting2exhale
I’ve made a bit of progress during this time, and surprisingly, a teacher did step in at some point, which was really helpful.
Thanks so much for your concern and sorry for the late response!
I am hopeful that the contact with that teacher began to elicit in you a positive response, and helped you to move into a better understanding of how to get back to a point where you feel you are giving of your best self, and that good things will happen for you as a result of that effort.
None of us is an island, and it is particularly painful when we are surrounded by others and in great despair or pain and it seems no one notices or seeks to make contact with us.
I am glad you have made some progress, and hope you are keeping your finger to your pulse and seeking to gauge what you need to help you get back to you. Continue to reach out to that teacher and others.
Idk, this is gonna sound cheesy, but try to be yourself. Make jokes, talk to them about their lives, you know normal stuff. And obviously, try hard, study hard, etc.