Kiddo #1 went through a little of this. I honestly don’t think anyone from our high school has ever gone to her university. It sounded crazy to everyone - except her. She had been accepted at an Ivy, and another Top 10, but the finances would have been a stretch and meant debt. She actually had to mourn the Ivy dream for a little while, and then moved on to getting excited about where she was going. She was accepted to a special program at the university, so it made it a little easier for her to talk about it, “I’m going to be in their XX program, which is why I chose it.” Then she got nods, rather than questioning looks. No one was ever “I’m so happy for you!” which I think was hard on her. But she is happy. She loves her school and what she’s studying and has never regretted her decision.
@My3Kiddos By the way, the fact that the colleges have made a student feel remorse for making a very sound decision is evidence of what wonderful marketers they are!
To some degree, it’s all about that stupid sticker on the back of the SUV. Something that I can agree with frank Bruni about.
BTW, to get back to the point of this thread:
By reminding the D that by delaying gratification towards the future, she is showing more foresight than her peers.
@PurpleTitan Yes,I agree with your premise to a degree. But, the peer pressure is on the 18 year old! By the time they apply to grad school they are wiser and know a little about money and less about peer pressure. And you can’t ignore the ability how we have all been conditioned to be so desirous of attending the schools that are considered elite.
And, in turn that is why some of those schools have become havens of the ultra wealthy.
Wash U has three times as many students from the top 1% of income than from the bottom 60% of income! That is insane but true! Other schools have double the amount from the top 1% as compared to the bottom 60%. Most “elite” schools have a 20% population of kids from the top 1% income bracket.
So, the message I have to my kids is simple - the colleges are greedy business entities and so are we. We will not let them fleece us. We will choose the best school that is a reasonable deal.
A agree that you should focus on the positives of the school where your daughter will be attending.
One thing to think about: When your D arrives at university, she will be surrounded by people who agree that this school is a great choice. Four years from now, she will have great grades and very little debt while her high school friends might not be so well off on either count. However, just because a student goes to a university where she is in the top 5% or 10% of incoming students, don’t expect it to be easy. Even “average” schools have some very strong students and some very knowledgeable professors. The very strong students will mostly be there for one of the same reasons you daughter is going there – they can afford it.
Also, quite a few students go from lower ranked undergrad schools to higher ranked graduate schools. They tend to have two things in common: Great grades for undergrad, and being able to afford to go to graduate school.
I am going to the honors college/program at XYZ University. I am really looking forward to all of the perks that come with the program.
Finances are nobody’s business. Normally I would tell people to ignore comments, but I do recognize how difficult this can be for 18 year olds. Then I would tell my daughter to “rock it” at her school… and she will! There is something to be said for being a big fish.
Going back to the original question, yes I struggle with this as well. I live in a community of name brand buyers, where there is widespread pressure (and perhaps even an expectation) for stronger students to attend a “top” university. In fact, I have an older child attending one such school although she would not have been able to afford to do so without a generous grant. But, generally speaking, money is not discussed around here, and in this sub-culture it is generally believed that a student should go to the most competitive school to which they are accepted. I have a huge problem with this, as I fully understand that the “hardest” school is often not be the best fit for the student, plus there is the pesky issue of finances.
I have two more college bound children, who are completely different humans than child #1, with different interests and strengths. I am introducing them both to schools that are well outside of our local “greatest hits” list because I believe that is what will be best for them AND because that is what our family finances require. Like their older sib, they simply must get merit aid or in-state tuition or out-of-state tuition reductions in order to graduate with zero to minimal debt. Luckily all of those things are within their reach, but one of them has bought into the prestige game and I am fighting an ongoing battle to get her to appreciate the many opportunities that await her and to stop equating success with attending a top 25 (or even top 100) university.
@Bubblewrap666: Teaching opportunity! (OK, easier said than done)
Point out that if she kills it in undergrad, then there may be funded grad degrees at the schools she desires.
I know it’s hard for them to envision their lives beyond college, but to be launched out into the world with zero college debt is going to be SUCH a blessing. That millstone of loans hanging around your neck isn’t going to be made appreciably lighter by having traded up to a bigger name school. To see money go out of your pocket each month to something that is already behind you is just not much fun (I speak from experience). If a school is out of the range of “affordable” for the family, it cannot be in the “you could do so much better” consideration set.
My D attended a very middle-of-the-road public HS, but milked every opportunity she could, academically and EC-wise. That made her a rock start and got her into the top public university in the world. OP’s D needs to look at her college the same way: don’t see it as a step down, but an opportunity to devour every experience she can. Many famous, successful people come from not-Ivies, because they are just those people destined to be successful regardless of where they attend school. She can write a similar story for herself.
And these days, so many colleges just offer a ton of opportunities to those who take initiative. Not to mention that the internet is a leveler as well.
It’s really hard for a teenager to see, but I daresay most adults admire more the kids who have greater goals in life than just getting in to a dream school.
Honors College with a partial scholarship is all that your daughter needs to share.
“but to be launched out into the world with zero college debt is going to be SUCH a blessing.”
My oldest is graduating in May, and I think that she is coming to realize how big this is. She is looking at modest paying jobs for right after graduation, and is realizing that she can live on the modest salary, but that if she had any debt then both living on her own (away from parents) and paying off debt would not have been feasible.
I’ll add this wrinkle to our story too since @Bubblewrap666 mentioned more than one child. Our first kid was not a rock star student. There was no way she was going to get handed a big scholarship. So, she went to community college for two years, and then transferred to our state flagship.
She was happy. It was her first choice. Unfortunately for us, our state’s public universities are very expensive. We had to borrow $30K for two years of tuition because of cash flow problems. I cannot wait for that loan to be paid down. We are throwing everything we have at it. She worked like mad and borrowed her max fed loans to pay for her books, room, and board for two years.
So, when our second kid, who is a very good student, got the full ride, we felt she had to take it. She thought it was “unfair” that she was being “punished” and “forced” to take the full ride because we had already borrowed for the first kid.
As parents, we knew we had not overspent on the first child. We did the best we could with cc and in-state school. And with the second child, we also did the best we could.
It seems to have worked out. Or, at least I hope so!
I know it’s tough as a kid, but at some point you just have to stop caring what other people say and / or think. Easier said than done but something to work towards.
This was the original question. It’s where I want to go will suffice.
Kids don’t have to rationalize to anyone about not attending the “better” or more expensive school that they can’t afford or don’t choose for whatever personal reasons. Make the most out of where you are and be happy.
@rickle1 if only parents could think that way too during this process!
This is such and important conversation. I know very well the stigma that can attach to going to a “lesser” school. I am a widow with 3 girls. D1 is a sophomore in college. . I was very naive and uniformed when we went through the process with D1. I had no idea that there was merit aid available. D1 got into her top choice dream school with no aid at all. Then she got an offer to enter the honors program at her safety with a very generous package. We were shocked, because honestly, I didn’t know that kind of aid existed. I told her the choice was hers, but that she had to give the offer serious consideration. She went back and visited the safety several times. They wooed her with hand written letters and offers of private tours and set up meetings with faculty in her department. Meanwhile the dream school basically ignored her. The safety had the program she wanted and was close to a big city with internship opportunities. In the end, she chose the safety and I was really proud of her. She knows that the money she is saving will help fund her sisters’ education and she feels proud of making that contribution.
She has been there for nearly 2 years now and couldn’t be happier. She is loved by her professors, has a great internship in her field, has made wonderful friends and has made contacts that well help advance her career. There is certainly more of an intellectual spread in a school like hers. But there are plenty of really smart students. The honors program is full of them.
I will say, however, that the sting of judgement from others can still hurt and not just her. There are times someone will ask where my daughter goes to college and when I tell them they actually say, Oh…did she want to go there?" or “Oh…is she happy about that?” Its so degrading. They would never react like that if I said she was going to Harvard, or MIT. One other poster noted that the silence hangs in the air and that is exactly right. Occasional D1 will tell me that she wishes the school had a little more prestige. I understand. She doesn’t wish she were someplace else, but just that the world saw the school in a different light. In the end, it won’t matter. Her school is giving her everything sne needs to succeed in a field she loves. I honestly don’t know if that would be true if she were a small fish somewhere else.
A suggestion for the OP. If its not too late, maybe contact the school and see if D can recieve some of that personal attention that will make her feel wanted. Its a real ego boost to feel truly wanted by a school. If they can arrange a tour for her and a meeting with a student and professor in her field, maybe a day to spend with some honors students, that could go a long way towards helping her feel excited. Good luck.
There’s only one appropriate response when a kid tells you where they’re going. “Great school. Congratulations!” It could be Harvard or it could be East Nowhere Community College and the response should be the same. “Great school. Congratulations!” How do people not get that?
OP- your D needs to practice in the mirror “I’m going to college X and it has everything I am looking for” and then just stop talking.
I use this technique for virtually everything in my life. My neighbors think I drive a cruddy car-- they don’t understand how a person with a decent-seeming job could tool around in my Honda. When someone jokes, “boy I bet you can’t wait to trade that clunker in” I stare at them and say with great enthusiasm “I love my car and it has everything I am looking for in a vehicle”. You come back from a vacation at the Days Inn motel in a low end location and someone at work says “why did you vacation there?” and I say, “it was everything I wanted in a vacation”.
Period. After a while you really own it and after a while people shut up. Why? Because there is nothing to talk about. I don’t care what people think; I’m not interested in a discussion of the relative merits of the Ritz Carlton vs. the Days Inn, and I have zero interest in hearing about a cruise line where you get your own butler to wait on you.
Have her try it until she owns it!!!
Back in the day, my older brother was accepted to a service academy. I remember that my mom especially was thrilled, mostly because of the prestige although the free education might have pleased her, too. Meanwhile I, even though only a sophomore in high school, thought, “Why is he going there? That is totally not the type of environment big bro will do well in.” He went to the service academy, regularly got demerits, and withdrew after two years and enrolled at our in-state flagship.
Fast forward 6 years or so. Big bro was considering law school. His then girlfriend wanted him to go to a private school, partly because it was closer to her home but mainly because of prestige: “Think of the opportunities you’ll have as a grad of this top school!” My parents said, “Think of the choices you’ll have if you go to the in-state public school, for which we can pay without anyone going into debt!” Big bro went to the in-state public school and did public interest law for 20 years. It was a great choice and one I’m sure he’s never regretted.
Tell your daughter to STOP discussing college with others. She can simply say…”I’ll let you all know my final decision after May 1”.
Just stop talking about it with others.