<p>This seems like the place to come to for advice. My parents have been hounding me about applying to every ivy league school. It doesn't matter which one; as long as it's an ivy, they're making me apply to it. My problem is that my parents don't seem to understand that I have a 3.4 GPA and 1840 SAT score. I've never thought I was, nor pretended to be ivy league material. My parents have somehow gotten it into their heads that starting an Enviro. Club is enough to get you into Harvard.</p>
<p>Bottom line: I'm tired of arguing with them about this. I've got no problem with applying, though I've filled in the essays with things like "Please don't accept me, sorry for wasting your time", but I know the rejections are coming. My problem is that when they do come, my parents will just start placing blame on me, telling me I didn't work hard enough (lie), or that I'm not good enough (another lie). I've already been accepted into Penn State and Rutgers, and I'm waiting on decisions from a few other schools. I'm excited about attending one of those schools, and just wish my parents could be excited about it too. This hurts and it's getting harder to ignore. How do I make them stop?</p>
<p>Print out the the common data sets each Ivy- specifically the data showing: test scores & GPA's of accepted students and give them to your parents. Point out the # of applicants, the number of acceptances, and the numerical chances you have of acceptance at each one based on your stats. Then ask them if they still want to pay for you to apply. If they do, tell them you know you won't get in and that you will not accept responsibility or blame if you are not accepted. Repeat as many times as is necessary in the coming months that you are happy about going to either Penn State or Rutgers[ congtatulations!]</p>
<p>Thanks for your reply. I've tried something similar. I showed them the class profiles for a few of those top schools, and begged them not to spend money on all of those apps. With those schools included, we would have spent nearly 1k in college applications alone, and that's coming from a family that's been struggling financially. They don't care. They get mad at me and talk about not being put off by statistics and how God will make a way, and blah blah blah. I have faith, but I'm also a believer in reality.
And they know I'm happy about my acceptances, but once again, they don't care. It's hard to watch myself get accepted into these schools and have my parents brush it aside. This is literally the conversation we had after my PSU acceptance:</p>
<p>Me: I got into Penn State!
Them: Good. So have you applied to Princeton yet?</p>
<p>Then I don't feel as if I've actually had a "success"; they make me feel as if I haven't accomplished anything if I don't get into one of these schools. And while I know that's not true (I could honestly care less about the ivies), there's still that stupid part of me that's seeking that validation. But at the same time, another part of me is rebelling. It's this weird, conflicting thing that I can't figure out, and it's making me crazy!</p>
<p>Sugarpop, in my experience many parents fall into two categories: the realists and those who don't really understand how it works. Your parents are probably very proud of you and think that any ivy would be lucky to have you (which may be true) but they don't have a true grip on the competitiveness of the situation. What you need to understand, and this may be difficult for a person at your age, is that this is about THEM and not about you. Their misguidance is not a reflection on you, but rather, on their misinformation. I know it's not easy, but you must remember that you can't control how they react, you can only control how you react to them. So...having said that, you must be proud of yourself, the work you've done in high school, your GPA and your SAT scores. You've been accepted into two very good schools. I went to Penn State and had a fabulous experience there and got a great job when I got out. Rutgers is also a very highly regarded public institution. I am a true believer that college needs to be a holistic experience and a large part of your academic success will be predicated on whether you are happy at the school or not. Perhaps having your parents speak with a guidance counselor who will let them know the stats for ivy league acceptance will help. Or maybe you could show them some of the positive aspects of the schools you are accepted into (ie Penn State has one of the top job placement/campus recruiting centers of all colleges and is also one of the top schools for job networking) I'm sure that they only want the best for you and I know that blaming you is not the best way of showing that. In the end, if they still insist that it's your fault that you didn't get into an ivy or a school of their choice, please keep in mind that, no matter what our age, it's difficult to accept the fact that our parents are not perfect and they make mistakes too. I know it can be very hurtful, ignoring it may be difficult and stopping it may be impossible, but try to keep focused on all the positive things you've done and the dreams you have for yourself. Give yourself credit for handling a difficult situation and having the maturity to recognize it and for trying to find positive ways to respond to it. Someday this life lesson will come back to you and you will respond differently to your own children. In the meantime, HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF and keep your sights on all the good things that are coming in your future!</p>
<p>Sugarpop, heartfelt congratulations on your acceptances to two excellent schools! You have every reason to be happy and proud of your accomplishments. And it sounds like, on this topic, you're smarter than your folks. Please find some ways to celebrate... with or without them... because you have earned it. Go out for ice cream with some friends and do a victory dance in the parking lot. Or whatever marks the occasion for you. You've done a great job!</p>
<p>On your question, I must say that curmudgeon's suggestion does have a certain appeal. :) But here's a gentler suggestion for you... consider asking your parents for help with "packaging" your application. Tell them somebody on this forum suggested the book below, and would they please pick it up and read through some of the case studies for ideas? If they want to be so controlling, let them take some control over these applications -- and then they'll feel some ownership in the results, and probably feel more inclined to blame the institutions for outcomes they don't like. Amazon.com:</a> What It Really Takes to Get Into Ivy League and Other Highly Selective Colleges: Chuck Hughes: Books</p>
<p>If that doesn't work, ask them to join this forum and visit this thread, where some of us will give them an earful (really, I'd love to).</p>
<p>And hang in there, kiddo. You are doing a fine job, and you seem to have a level head on your shoulders. Parents have a way of coming around, although it sometimes takes a pretty long time. Keep in mind that yours want what they think is the best thing for you, because they really do care about you. Parents are all too human, with plenty of flaws, and sometimes we can have a lousy way of showing our love for our kids. What I'd give for the instruction manual that was supposed to come with my son... but your folks didn't get a manual either, and now they're trying their best to make sure you get the best in life. Knowing that may not solve anything for you, but maybe it will help take the sting out of their unintended barbs.</p>
<p>1]well, you could try applying, and when the expected results come through, say "I told you so". Tell them they can blame "God" or the other applicants who stole your spot, or the Ivy's themselves for not accepting you. Then walk away whenever the subject gets brought up.
or
2] let the application deadlines pass, without applying. Your choice. But remember
when your parents start to drive you crazy, just keep repeating to yourself- "I'm going to college, I'm going to college, I'm going to college"
this all shall pass [ in a little over 9 months!]</p>
<p>Sugarpop, how bout this tactic. Tell them you would be very excited IF you were accepted but alas "Mom and Dad I just need to be realistic and I'm so thrilled that I already have two great offers. It would be great if you could support me on the "match" choices and perhaps we (I) can shoot for the Ivy's when I decide to go to graduate school." That way they don't have to feel like you're are dismissing the idea all together. PS...Are they worried about what their friends will think? PPS... Research all the prominent leaders that both Penn State and Rutgers have in their faculties, and point out how exciting, prestigious etc it would be if you had a chance to research or work under them. Be a saleswoman...you can do it! CONGRATS by the way!</p>
<p>OaksMom: My parents have always been very worried about appearances. I feel like they're pushing the ivy thing more for the bragging rights than because they actually feel it will give me a superior education. It's not unusual for them to say "So and So's daughter/son got accepted into namebrand school", and then ask me why I can't do the same.</p>
<p>curmudgeon: Haha I may use that as a last resort.</p>
<p>menloparkmom: Those 9 months can't come fast enough! I'm counting them down, literally.</p>
<p>PSUfan: Thanks for the comment, and I am really trying to make sure I keep the fact they're imperfect in mind. They mean well, I think, but sometimes I just get too frustrated.</p>
<p>(((Hugs))) to sugarpop. Congrats on your successes.</p>
<p>Whoever posted that this is about them not you is so correct. I'm in my mid-40s and still don't totally have my parents' acceptance. But I truly believe that they -- and most parents, including yours -- are doing the best they can with what they've got to work with (I didn't come to this conclusion until I was in my mid-30s and had my own kids, so you'll be excused for not having discovered this already. :) ) YOU know they are being unrealistic, but they haven't learned that yet. I hope you do know they love you and that their dissatisfaction with your choices is a reflection of them and their fears, not you. They are thinking, "If sugarpop goes to an Ivy, this is validation that I am a good parent" and "If sugarpop doesn't go to an Ivy, I will look like a failure as a parent." They will be left to wonder, "Where did we go 'wrong'?" There's nothing you can do to change their thinking EXCEPT prove to them that you made the right choice by going to Rutgers or Penn State and being successful. They will be proud, trust me. Might take awhile, but they will be.</p>
<p>Truthfully, I'd apply to a couple just to make them happy. What will it hurt?</p>
<p>sugarpop, congratulations on your acceptance to fine schools.</p>
<p>I noticed that you said that your family has been having financial problems. Is there any possibility that your parents' obsession with Ivies may be because they have read about the financial aid policies at some of them, and realize that getting into those schools would mean that you would get a lot of aid?</p>
<p>Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a great future ahead of you. How about a compromise to get them off your back? Have them select only one or two Ivys that they really want you to try for and agree that you will apply as a reach. Then move on and forget about it. Penn State and Rutgers sound great!</p>
<p>sugarpop, do you have access to Naviance? Share with them the tool. Tell them it's computer, it's objective and it doesn't recomment any one of the Ivies :-)</p>
<p>Just apply to the Ivy that you like the best and be done with it. Do your best on the application and send it off. Since you won't be disappointed if you don't get accepted, it will be fine for you. You have two acceptances you really like. Your parents will certainly understand that you can't attend a school to which you do not gain acceptance...and that will be that.</p>
<p>I wouldn't waste a minute more time on this.</p>
<p>The only thing is that perhaps "money talks". You can discuss the cost of the application and the cost of attendance...perhaps that will turn them around.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great replies. My parents and I keep having the same discussion, so I think I'm going to try and follow some of your advice and beg them to just let me apply to two or three. Hopefully they'll get over the whole thing quickly! Thanks again for the replies and happy holidays.</p>
<p>Do this: Apply to only the Ivy schools that have your major/geographic interest and the other schools could be non-Ivys like Stanford, Michigan, Northwestern, Duke, etc.</p>
<p>Well, you could say that it's the final degree that's the big attention grabber, so your plan is to do your undergraduate at a price friendly place and then get your MS and PhD at Big Name (where you will be on the payroll as a grad student) -- so they get the bragging rights without the big bills. If they think you have a clever strategy in mind, then they might back off.
I also recommend "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Great book about parents that make a person crazy (you'll either come away thinking your folks aren't that bad -- or you'll KNOW they have issues that are beyond any human ability to cope).</p>
<p>Why don't you apply? Why to waste your time arguing? I do not believe, that you have a chance, but the time you devote to this thread could have been used to show your parents appreciation for their advice. This is a nobel goal, doing what they want will make it easier for you to ask them something that you want.</p>