How to help a non-competitive kid navigate a competitive climate

What are some suggestions on how to navigate the following situations? Kiddo is competitive on the golf course, but generally a very “chill” kid…bright but doesn’t want to seem competitive or seek to be at the top of the heat around the table. Shy kid in the classroom but outgoing outside of school. Kiddo was placed in some higher level classes (Math and Science) where some of the students are openly aggressive and competitive. A few times kiddo has missed the end of a class due to leaving for a game (not golf) or CS commitment. When kiddo called a couple of classmates, here is what followed (I heard this because I was with kiddo at school to watch the games): One student said “Oh, I don’t remember what it was” and the other student said “tough - be there next time”. Is this typical for BS behavior, cultural, or just a bad group in that class do you think?

Asking for advice to share with kid - supportive and constructive advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Firstly, I am sorry, I hate that kind of thing. I see it a little bit even at our local public school and I am always surprised.

I would suggest asking a kid of a different gender. I have found that girls tend to be more competitive with girls, and boys with boys. (don’t know if that was already tried but that’s what I have my kid do).

Also, knowing this, prepare in the future by talking to the teacher early to get homework before leaving or emailing them directly after class to find out what the homework was.

If it gets too out of control can kid talk to the teacher and ask if the teacher has any suggestions of another kid in class who might be more willing to help?

Possibly you have already done all this…

A good teaching opportunity. Jerks are everywhere. BS, colleges, jobs, neighborhoods, etc. can’t filter them out. Rarely, the jerks take over or set the tone and one finds a jerk culture. I don’t think BSs (or at least the vast majority) have such a culture problem. But they are competitive environments, which allow jerks to reveal themselves in the ways you mention. When a reward is on the line (grades, athletic positions, promotions, etc), they pop up like a game of whack-a-mole.
The choice is always to join em’ or go your own way and display (live) better values. It won’t play out like an after school special, where the kids displaying the bad behavior see the light and all are friends in the end. The jerks will stay jerks and may even do worse. That’s one point I make to my own kids - the only result you can count on from doing the right thing is knowing you did so, and that has to be enough.
But moving on from philosophy, I’d suggest filling in the gaps with info from the teacher and finding classmates that share your child’s values and are willing to help each other. If the latter don’t exist in that particular class, make arrangements with the other activities such that classes aren’t missed.

Ugh. That sounds awful. No advice, but lots of sympathy. There is a big difference between striving for excellence and wanting your peers to do badly.

“One student said “Oh, I don’t remember what it was” and the other student said “tough - be there next time”. Is this typical for BS behavior, cultural, or just a bad group in that class do you think?”

My kids did not experience this type of behavior honestly. Many students were driven and pushed themselves but no reports of overt competition among students.

Agree with others that your child should utilize the teacher. I doubt her need to leave early was spontaneous. That teacher/student interaction and personalization is part of why your child is at BS and what you are paying for. Seeking out and fostering help and a relationship with teachers is an important skill to develop at BS and will be very helpful at college as well.

I’d also suggest your daughter look to find a likeminded student to befriend in each class to buddy up with and make the help/information flow a two way street.

Yuck. I am pretty sure DS has not encountered that kind of attitude from classmates. When he has missed stuff — such as having to miss classes and leave school unexpectedly when he had to be quarantined before break — he went directly to teachers. When absences or early dismissal are “excused,” that should be fine. Hopefully your DD has more like-minded friends, and hopefully they share some classes. I agree that it’s good to learn — albeit unfortunate — that there are jerks everywhere.

**“Is this typical for BS behavior, cultural, or just a bad group in that class do you think?” **

That’s horrible behavior, and it’s certainly not “typical” in my child’s experience. Hopefully, it’s just a bad group.

Agree with others who have suggested reaching out to the teacher directly for what was missed. She might also try looking for students who have the same teacher in another section.

Not typical. I suspect that this is animosity directed toward your child, and not indicative of any boarding school culture.

Are you willing to share the school he/she attends “where some of the students are openly aggressive and competitive” ?

I agree with @Publisher. Either it’s a form of bullying or your kid has made a bit of a nuisance of themselves. Maybe he’s asked too many times?

Or possibly there are just some kids who are jerks and super competitive, doesn’t mean the kid was a nuisance. As I said I have seen a bit of it in the public school and I suspect that it happens everywhere. All kids get sick or miss school and need a hand with homework or class notes, that doesn’t make them a nuisance. There are jerks everywhere, or people who can’t get out of their own way (especially when they are 14!).

I have a better understanding of the situation now. It is not a problem with OP"s child. The other kids are just acting in an ultra-competitive manner = jerks.

I think it also might depend on the school. From what we’ve seen in the places we’ve toured was a “pull your classmates up” attitude (but then again, we searched for those types of schools). My favorite response to someone asking about language class placements was our tour guide telling us that 5 kids in his Mandarin class all had quite a few years of experience and the 6th kid only had one and they were preparing for a trip to China. “We knew (student) didn’t know as much as we did, so we helped him get up to speed and kept an eye on him while we were there”.

Does he have an Advisor? If the school has an effective advisory program they should be all over this.

Many do not.

I’m sorry to hear GolfKiddo is dealing with this - a few bad apples can really spoil the experience.
I would suggest connecting directly with the teachers, especially if the game/commitment conflicts will happen regularly. The teachers may offer to provide the assignments/notes directly, or may be able to point GolfKiddo in the direction of a nicer student.
My son has had a couple of conflicts come up with sports and other commitments, and was very pleasantly surprised at the flexible and supportive responses from the adults involved (including his somewhat intimidating coach). In all likelihood, the teachers/advisors have had similar situations (with both sports conflicts and overly competitive students), and will know the best way to handle it.

Thanks @momof3nyc - kiddo did address with teacher and advisor.

How did teacher and advisor respond, @Golfgr8 ?

Is she otherwise enjoying school? Other than these bad apples, are the other kids kind and supportive?

Does your school have a motto that these kids are not living by? Some sort of motto that includes wording about collaboration, teamwork, helpfulness, and/or kindness?

@Golfgr8 I’m guessing they don’t put the assignments in some online system? That situation seems very strange and unfriendly. After all, one day they’ll miss a lesson or assignment and how will they get it? I’ve never heard of this. One kid ( yes, could be a jerk). But multiple kids in the same class isn’t cool. Kids seem to share assignments and questions all the time via text. Hmm.

Thanks @Happytimes2001 - actually there is a new online system but most teachers not using it. Part of the problem. I hear this from other parents at other schools also.

Some schools use Google Classroom…it’s very efficient/effective.