<p>I'm looking for some advice from some "older and wiser" parents. How can you help your child to get over a bad performance? Recently, my daughter (jr hi aged) did a solo with a city-wide chorus. She got the solo at the last minute(right before performance. I think she got to rehearse once before performance) when original person was sick, because she knew the words and has a good reputation as sort of the "go to girl." There were 2 performances. First one perfect. Second one, the people who had solo immediately before her messed up. She says when that happened she started thinking "you can't mess up, you can't mess up..." Well, you know what happened. Mid stream, she forgot some words. There was a brief period with music but no singing. She maintained her composure and finished well. This isn't the first time she's sung a solo, and the music was a lot easier than other things she has done. She's devastated. Thinks she let people down, made a bad impression, etc. I don't seem to be able to provide much comfort. I've explained that it's a mistake she'll probably learn from, won't be held against her, etc. Has something similar happened to any of your kids during their performing careers? How did they get over it/regain confidence?</p>
<p>Like most performers, my daughter is the ultimate perfectionist who would beat herself up for any [perceived or real] slip-up. I don't do "cheerleader mom" very well (that's where friends come in), so I got into to the habit of helping my daughter evaluate each and every performance. In the early years (middle school), I just asked her to come up with three strengths and three weaknesses in her performances. At first, she would find it difficult to come up with any "good" things; one time she listed a strength as "I didn't throw up while on stage"! But over the years, she's become quite good at realistic self-evaluations, and it's gone a long way in making her a better performer. </p>
<p>In your daughter's case I see three obvious strengths just from your post: she stepped up when needed to help the chorus; she did well on her first solo; and she recovered after her slip and completed the solo. Those are HUGE strengths (particularly for a young performer), and while she may feel inclined to minimize their importance, I would encourage her to recognize that performers learn from their strengths as well as their mistakes.</p>
<p>Hugs to you and your daughter...</p>
<p>Junior high is a difficult time, especially for girls, what with hormones and all. I can remember being devastated by the littlest thing at that age. I don't think there is a lot you can say to help. Just be sympathetic and understanding, but don't allow too much moping around about it. She is certainly just at the beginning of her performing career, and, as you realize--having an adult perspective--but she does not--being so young--this performance will soon be forgotten and even something she will laugh about.</p>
<p>Good luck! It can be hard being a parent!</p>
<p>My S won the concerto competition for a regional youth orchestra when he was in 9th grade. Every rehearsal was fabulous. Night of the performance he bombed. I get sick to my stomach even thinking about it. </p>
<p>The way we dealt with it was honestly (but kindly), with an eye toward future good, rather than rehashing the past. I am positive and encouraging with my kids, but also tend to be brutally honest. We didn't talk about the performance a lot, other than to say, "I'm sorry people didn't get to hear how well you can play." And to ask what happened, with the purpose of learning from it. We found out that lots of kids approached him prior to the performance, asking "Are you nervous?" "Aren't you scared?" and so on. By the time he actually played, he was a wreck. We developed the protocol that in the future, we parents would purposefully protect him. If we weren't around, he learned to isolate himself in a bathroom stall. At college auditions, we found rooms to hide in, and avoided talking with others much. We were able to learn from the experience, and now can laugh about it. On college applications, he was able to write that he won the concerto competition, and performed such and such. He didn't have to write how he played!</p>
<p>This week my D won the same concerto competition. She expressed hope that she wouldn't repeat her brother's experience. We joked that if she has to follow in big brother's footsteps, it's nice when he sets the bar low.</p>
<p>The other thing I would say to you would be to get your daughter "back on the horse." More auditions, solo opportunities, and such - preferably successful ones. Let her know that learning to perform nervous, and to pick yourself up, is part of the musician's life. My S had a chance to hear a concert recently with a horn soloist that he respects greatly. Apparently the soloist cracked quite a few notes, and played rather poorly. It was a lesson for my S that even the "great ones" have off nights.</p>
<p>The other thing that I've had multiple opportunities to share with my kids is this: When you keep reliving a bad or embarrassing moment in your past, it means you haven't done anything worse since then! :)</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice. Those are some good suggestions. She feels a little better each day. I don't know when the next opportunity for a solo performance will be. The musical world is pretty much an unknown to me (not sure where this child got her talent!), so I'm learning new things all the time.</p>
<p>For a performer, it is never the issue of "will I make a mistake?" but rather "what mistake will I make?" In other words, noone is perfect. I listened to auditions this past weekend for a summer opera program, and one young woman forgot the words to start a phrase in the middle of her aria: she drew a blank, paused, the accompanist threw her the words, and she went on. After her audition, during the discussions amongst the judges not one word was said about her slip, a total non-issue: she stayed focused, and she went on. It is true that her peers may judge her more harshly than the professionals, who are well aware that the brain is not an infallible instrument. If she is able to move on, she proves that she has the nerve and determination she will need, if not, her ego is not sturdy enough for the inevitable mishaps of performance. Her long term reaction is the diagnosis. Good luck, and hugs to her and you.</p>
<p>The OP's story puts me in mind of a performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's Patience in which I was one of the chorus of Dragoons. The fellow playing the Colonel was an old hand at patter songs and had sung the Heavy Dragoon scores of times before. However, at one performance, there was a woman sitting in the front row who had brought a score and a small flashlight and was rather obviously mouthing the words a fraction of a second behind the live action on stage.</p>
<p>About midway through the second verse, he caught sight of her for the first time somewhere around "The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky," and his next line or two came out as an incoherent mumble. Not one to miss an opportunity, he waved off the conductor, hopped down off the stage, and made a big deal of borrowing the score and flashlight, showing them to the audience and looking up his lines. Then he profusely thanked the woman as he handed them back, did a loud stage whisper to the conductor, hopped back up on stage and restarted at the beginning of the second verse. </p>
<p>We all accused him of planting her in the audience, but he swore that he had never seen her before and that the effect of seeing her mouth his words a fraction of a second late really had thrown him off. It was one of the more memorable recoveries I have seen.</p>