<p>I'm leaving for college out of town at the end of next month, and I know that in college I would have a much more enriching social life. But, my social skill is poor, and I don't understand how I could change it.
During high school I was a loner. I attended an inner city high school where nobody had the ambition like I did, so I transferred at the beginning of junior year. I liked my new school better, because it was much smaller and appeared to be much more tight knit, and plus, it was more diverse and there were people who aspired to attend top-tier high schools. However, almost everyone had a clique, and because the school is so small, it is very hard to recover from your first impressions/ what one did.
I have a quirky personality. A lot of people say I'm weird, because I say mindless, random things. I thought what I said was funny, but it only weird people out? So sometime during senior year (where I had a depression because of many things), I tried to be bland to get into one group during a college visit. It worked. I got a group of friends to hang out for the first day, but then the next two days there, it kinda fell off, and I didn't want to give off the impression that I was "clinging on" them.
Now, as I am going to college, I want to improve my social skills this summer to prepare for college and the after-college. How? I want to explore my town and make some connections here so that I'll get practice and a good time before leaving, and these skills will also be useful after college.</p>
<p>Has anyone transformed from an awkward, friendless high school student to a socially blooming adult? If so, how? I'm looking for answers from males, because females seem to make friends easier/ got hit on more/ able to have confidants, and thus generally have more social skills than males.
(I am Asian btw. I came to the States a few years ago so I have a slight accent.)</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Stop saying Mindless random mindless things, no one wants to hear it! Use a “filter” to decide if what you are saying is relevant to the conversation and if it is nice. Some people seem to think that if what they are saying is “honest” that it is ok to say whatever they think.</p></li>
<li><p>Ask people questions about themselves and listen!</p></li>
<li><p>Make sure you are well groomed! Shower daily, wash your hair, trim your fingernails and use deodorant. Make sure you are wearing clean clothes that don’t smell like smoke ( if parents smoke). </p></li>
<li><p>Watch other people and try to learn from them just like you were in class. Watch their body language and compare it to yours.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I think the fact that you want to make a change is a good sign for progress. You are willing to take a look at yourself and make some changes. Good luck!</p>
<p>There’s a classic book by Dale Carnegie, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was aimed at business people but it is in essence a people-skills book. You might want to check it out.</p>
<p>Another book is called “Making Friends and Making them Count.” It got quite good reviews. It’s written from a Christian perspective, I don’t know if that is a problem for you. (I haven’t read it myself).</p>
<p>One of my daughters is borderline Aspergers. In late middle schools she started to realize that she had some social difficulties, and she told me recently that she studied YouTube videos one summer to try to figure out how to make conversation, how other people “emoted” (she doesn’t do that much naturally), how to have more typical body language, and other social skills. I had no idea at the time… but will say that she definitely improved some of those skills during that time frame. She can almost pass for “normal” now. I have no idea how she picked which videos to watch and mimic, though</p>
<p>I recently read a non-fiction book where a guy with Aspergers and poor conversation skills decided to try to be a better conversationalist by listening to Howard Stern and modeling after him. The results were actually hilarious, and not always positive. But he said it actually helped him. I do NOT recommend picking Howard Stern as your model. But if there is some talk show host (radio or TV) that you do think has skills you admire, you could study them. This guy actually was on a personal self improvement project, and kept notes on things that bugged other people, how to act in certain situations, conversation topics that worked out vs. not, etc. For someone who has to learn behaviors that a lot of people just seem to be able to do naturally, it seemed like a really good idea.</p>
<p>Also, all of limabeans01 recommendations are right on target.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your advice. Please keep them coming. I’ve read “How to Influence People…” but it’s not anything I hadn’t heard before. @intparent: What is the book about the Asperger guy called? @limabeans:
Yeah, I think so too. But if I don’t do that, then thats not part of my personality. If I try saying normal things, I think I lost that kind of personality and become very bland.
i do, but I tend to do it more with guys. However, asking questions seems like interviewing and looks a bit unnatural.
I do all of those.</p>
<p>By the way, I don’t have Asperger. But I’ve been having troubles making friends ever since elementary school, where I had a best friend, but things went totally down from there. I believe it isn’t a culture thing because I had difficulties making friends in both countries, though American people are more open minded.</p>
<p>I agree with all the tips you’ve been given, and but as to your specific question quoted above, the answer is definitely yes. The tips will help you to get there. But it also generally becomes easier in college to find a few people who are on your same “wavelength”. People generally become more accepting and “live-and-let-live” in college, as compared to HS. Depending on where you go to college, your peers may be less concerned with conformity and their place on the social totem pole, than the kids were in HS. There should be people at college who think it’s cool to be concerned with your studies. (If not, you may be at the wrong college.) A lot of young people find in their late teens and early 20s that it becomes somewhat easier to filter and control themselves, and manage their little irritating behaviors. Be encouraged about the possibilities that await you.</p>
<p>Don’t get rid of your personality! You’re talking about making friends, not business contacts. Your friends should people who love you for who you are… people you can be absolutely comfortable with and be yourself around.</p>
<p>The best thing to do, is realize that you are in the exact same situation as every other freshman. The first night in your dorm, go around and introduce yourself. Leave your door open so that others can stop by. Go to every club meeting that interests you. Just put yourself out there and introduce yourself to lots of people. Eventually, something will click. Even in your classes, sit down somewhere and strike up a conversation with the person beside you.</p>
<p>Almost everyone is going to ask the same questions “What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” “What’s your major?”. Find an opening line that you can use with just about anyone. If it’s a class, ask if the person has heard anything about the professor or the course. Just come up with any topic and start up a conversation. Trust me, the first week or so of college is when everyone is extremely open to conversation.</p>
<p>I have a child who struggles socially and it did get better for her in college. </p>
<p>If you don’t read much outside of academic requirements, reading magazines on subjects of interest or newspapers will give you something to talk about. Also, find activities that interest you. My daughter went to an obscure movie group and found people she liked. </p>
<p>Something that might be helpful is taking an interpersonal communications class. You might learn some things about body language that would help you to better read other people. Good luck!</p>
<p>Once people get to know you, you have a lot more latitude to ‘let it all hang out’ and be your quirky self. In the beginning, you might just work a bit more at being conventional, to let things warm up, so folks come to get to know you and aren’t retreating because you seem ‘weird’ (or more accurately, they just don’t understand you yet). </p>
<p>When you think about it, everyone is ‘weird’ once you know them well And it’s why we all tend to do small talk, and cover meaningless topics like majors, sports scores, and weather when we first meet. We don’t really know each other or know how to read one another, we search for something in common, and we probably put our best (and ‘safest’) foot forward. Then with time, and gradual mutual self-disclosure, we share with others our quirks and reveal our eccentricities, and can be our ‘true selves’. Some folks seem fortunate enough to just be so cool they are ‘quirky’ from the outset, but the rest of us probably have to do it a bit more this way.</p>
<p>I think your awareness of your challenges and your desire to grow will serve you very well. I agree with previous posters that college will be a very different experience than high school, with more open minded people.</p>
<p>My son is also socially awkward and a bit of a loner. What worked for him was finding a group with similar interests. I would make sure to get involved in at least one club as soon as you can. Even though you are not Asperger’s, you may benefit from reading some books written for adults with Asperger’s, as they address the very issues and challenges that you want to work on.</p>
<p>Good luck to you! You sound like an interesting young man, you just need to find your tribe!</p>
<p>I would add to the foregoing recommendations: 1) Don’t forget to smile, and 2) take the initiative with people. Don’t wait around for invitations, try organizing get-togethers yourself. For example, invite others over to your room for an evening or to go to a campus event. You might be denied a few times, but you will have a sent a message to others that you want to be their friend.</p>
<p>If you have been “quirky” since at least elementary school, and you are “quirky” in both cultures, the possibility remains that you don’t have the standard neurological wiring for social skills and you could well be somewhere on the asperger spectrum. If you can bring yourself to accept that possibility, then there are many, many materials out there designed to help you learn social skills. There even may be a special social skills study/therapy group at your new university. Once you get settled, stop by the student counseling center and find out what is available.</p>
<p>In our area, students like you are often encouraged to take acting classes. This could help you find better ways to behave more like some of the people around you, even if you don’t feel that that behavior is always representative of the true inner you. That is what acting is all about. You’d also get a chance to do some pretty wild emoting in class (“Now be a tree who is in love with a wood-cutter”), and if you stick with the theater courses for a while and you are a not-gay guy, once the girls consider you to be sufficiently socialized you will never lack for a date.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice. From a shy, nerdy, quirky, high school girl that was so disengaged from what was happening in high school I have to say I blossomed in college. I’m an INTJ and that in itself means I have a weird personality let alone what can come out of my mouth. </p>
<p>All I can advise is that when you first arrive on campus if someone is interesting to you take the time to talk to them. BRIEFLY. EVERYONE is looking for a friend the first couple days. I happened on a girl in my dorm meeting who was so interesting to me…this won’t mean anything to you but she looked like Janis Joplin and she had bracelets up to her elbows. I had on plaid pants and a LaCoste t-shirt. I asked her if she had anyone she was going to lunch with and she said no and I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch together. She did. She became my roommate and my best friend for almost forty years and we are NOTHING alike. And i sat and LISTENED to her, saying as little as possible and keeping my mouth still. I listened to her talk about how afraid she was. How she was third generation at our college and the PR department was after her. How far from home she was and how out of water like a fish she felt. SHE wanted someone to listen and I had to fight like crazy to keep my mouth shut. But we became friends. </p>
<p>Find some small thing to connect on and then go SLOW. LISTEN to what that person is saying and if you’re someone who blurts out things that turn people off, hold you breath and count to ten while your mind figures out what is the best thing to come out of your mouth - start practicing tomorrow and MAKE YOURSELF do this. If your mouth is your problem, be a follower for a while. If invited tag alone and make sure you say ONE SENTENCE…after that your mouth stays shut no matter how badly you want to blurt out. If you are shy, well then you’re in the zone but I suspect from your post that it is the opposite. Be shy, let other people sweep you along. Over time, you will figure it out and you’ll make good friends. I did it. You can do it. Believe it or not, I ended up in a field where I determine what comes out of other people’s mouths sometimes and my first piece of advice is to keep the mouth shut and let the brain process then open your mouth. Try it. Count to ten. Count to twenty if you need to. Really listen to the other person and process what they are saying. If that isn’t enough count to thirty. </p>
<p>Good luck, my bet is you love college. Don’t let your personality control you…YOU control your personality and your mouth. If the thought of all this is depressing you, just remember when you are keeping your lips zipped and your brain is cranking along, that being a crazy verbal person can work in your favor later in life…but right now you just need friends. I still make mistakes and have to backtrack to correct work relationships. But the STOP, LISTEN, ZIP the lips until the time is right has never failed me. And I loved college…far more than I loved high school.</p>
<p>^ great advice.
By the way, what do people talk about? Common topics are majors, where are you from and things like that. But after those, I have no ideas what I should be talking about. How long should I carry the convo? I don’t wanna linger because that shows desperation.</p>
<p>Your first couple of weeks, many of your activities will be in groups and you can observe and decide who it is who shares your interests. Music and movies are common topics, I would guess, but you will talk about things that interest you. The classes you are taking will also take up some conversation those first few weeks.</p>
<p>I don’t know whether others mentioned it, but forming study groups is a good way to get acquainted to.</p>
<p>When I am teaching teenagers, there’s always one who blurts out whatever he’s thinking, randomly. It’s true that the other kids don’t really admire that. Since it’s a class situation, I talk about how they can each imagine a gumball machine. Their head is the glass globe, all their thoughts are the gumballs. The place where one bought gumball comes out is the mouth. </p>
<p>And I suggest that every single thought in their head does not have to come tumbling out of their mouth just because they’re thinking it. Some thoughts are beautiful, others are silly. If they have a thought, it’s okay to keep it in there with the other thoughts. When one is really valuable or important, “good enough to buy,” that’s the one to let tumble out of your mouth. The rest will keep just fine up there in your head, keeping company with the other thoughts.</p>
<p>For some reason, the students like this example and I know it’s helped one or two stop blurting out.</p>
<p>I will not be doing my school’s pre-orientation programs because of money, so I think I’ll not make that many friends going to NSO.I’m afraid they’ll have their own groups already to hang at NSO.</p>
<p>I also like where you mention you want to get out now in your home community to try to learn to connect. If you look online under meetup dot com, that’s just an umbrella of all the clubs that are happy to have new members. Try it in your home and see if anything comes up. Sometimes there are photography clubs, outdoor walkers, bird-watchers, a lot of crazy things where people just come together for a common interest.</p>
<p>I suppose in your hometown you’d find people of all ages, so it might be “intergenerational.” Still, it’s good experience, a chance to practice while you’re waiting for college to begin. You can even watch how some of the older people do it. In any club there’s always a few that seem to put others at ease. </p>
<p>This gives you a safe chance to just watch how others operate in a club group. Then, in the fall, off you’ll go to college with just a bit more social experience from your hometown.</p>
I have no idea how she picked which videos to watch and mimic, though</p>