How to learn social skills?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Now, as I'm leaving for college out of town at the end of next month, and I know that in college I would have a much more enriching social life. But, my social skill is poor, and I don't understand how I could change it.
During high school I was a loner. I attended an inner city high school where nobody had the ambition like I did, so I transferred at the beginning of junior year. I liked my new school better, because it was much smaller and appeared to be much more tight knit, and plus, it was more diverse and there were people who aspired to attend top-tier high schools. However, almost everyone had a clique, and because the school is so small, it is very hard to recover from your first impressions/ what one did.
I have a quirky personality. A lot of people say I'm weird, because I say mindless, random things. I thought what I said was funny, but it only weird people out? So sometime during senior year (where I had a depression because of many things), I tried to be bland to get into one group during a college visit. It worked. I got a group of friends to hang out for the first day, but then the next two days there, it kinda fell off, and I didn't want to give off the impression that I was "clinging on" them.
Now, as I am going to college, I want to improve my social skills this summer to prepare for college and the after-college. How? I want to explore my town and make some connections here so that I'll get practice and a good time before leaving, and these skills will also be useful after college.</p>

<p>Has anyone transformed from an awkward, friendless high school student to a socially blooming adult? If so, how? I'm looking for answers from males, because females seem to make friends easier/ got hit on more/ able to have confidants, and thus generally have more social skills than males.
(I am Asian btw. I came to the States a few years ago so I have a slight accent.)</p>

2

<p>Women can be awkward too, so my first piece of advice is to not discriminate against others’ experiences right off the bat based on gender. Also, protip: don’t use males/females, as it gets some people’s knickers in a knot. Not mine, but it’s a bad foot to set out on. :p</p>

3

<p>Join clubs, attend events that your RA decides to host, and put yourself out there. I also have poor social skills, but I joined two clubs, one with a community service-based interest and one that was more geared towards a profession I wanted to go into, and through the second club, I got an internship that I knew would help me expand my social skills, which would really help me since a lot of jobs I want ask that applicants have strong interpersonal communication skills. It also helped that I had suitemates (who are now my apartment-mates) who were extremely understanding and were introverted like me (but with better social skills than me). </p>

<p>Also, I’m female and I’ve never gotten hit on, the only people I’m friends with are my suitemates, and I don’t make friends easily at all. I’m still extremely shy and apprehensive about approaching random strangers.</p>

4

<p>I went through a very similar high school experience. I changed cities in grade 9, lost all my old friends and went into a high school with lots of established friendships and groups. I spent most of high school focused on my work, however I found good friends among some of those not considered part of the in-crowd. I made these friends simply by helping with school work, and talking about school work.</p>

<p>I started university similarly, but I started talking to people who sat near me in class (not during class but before and after the lecture) and for homework and tests you can suggest working together.</p>

<p>But I think Sopranokitty gives the best advice, join clubs and societies, but don’t join arbitrarily to become friends, I’d suggest rather go and do what you enjoy. If you are a video game fan, join the gaming club. If you enjoy hiking, sign up for a hiking group. If you are just completely engrossed by the topic you are studying, join your departments society. Nothing builds friendships better than having common interests. </p>

<p>Also last general advice: Don’t swear, don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t getting into shouting matches, don’t say things that might be offensive (like don’t insult anyone, any group or use derogatory terms)
Do be respectful, do say hello to classmates, do hold doors open for people, do be honest</p>

<p>It may sound like silly stuff, but all of it is things you can forget, particularly when you feel down about your social status, but none of it requires being popular or a social butterfly, and none of it is hard.</p>

<p>Hope this helps, and I always write huge posts :D</p>

5

<p>

</p>

<p>Please don’t be one of those guys who assume that girls always get hit on.</p>

<p>I’ve had like two or three guys total hit on me ever, but I’ve been told many times that “I’m sure you have guys asking you out all of the time.” And when I say that I don’t, I’m not being modest, so further insulting me by saying I’m selling myself short/should have a higher self-esteem is just plain annoying.</p>

<p>Just introduce yourself to everyone you meet and get involved at the very beginning of the school year.</p>

6

<p>

</p>

<p>Yeah, that part of his post jumped out at me, too. I get that a lot! And it’s really, really irritating.</p>

<p>I hear that women have it easier socially a lot and I really don’t think it’s true. Women are brutally competitive and they also expect deep, devoted emotional connections from their friendships which can be difficult to cultivate and maintain. A man that wants to hit on you does not want to be your friend, and is not likely to stick around and maintain a NORMAL friendship with you once you reject him. Now that I’m not single I find I have a hard time making male friends at all… so many either lose interest when they find out they can’t date me (although I never have that kind of interest when I’m actually available!), or worry about giving my boyfriend the wrong impression. I’m not saying it’s necessarily easier for men, either, although I think it certainly could be… women are nuts, you boys know that. :stuck_out_tongue: It’s not any easier for us to figure each other out as it is for you to figure us out.</p>

7

<p>It might be too late for this, but getting a part time job really helped me. Being thrown into an environment with dozens of unfamiliar people helped a ton.</p>

<p>Also, I worked at an inner city McDonald’s and can fully concur that inner city kids are seriously hard to talk to. If your experience was anything like mine, you probably have few mutual interests. Best thing in that situation was to joke around or make small talk until you can get a decent conversation going. (But most of the time that’s impossible unless you’re talking about sex or drugs.)</p>

8

<p>^100% Agreed. Great advice :)</p>

<p>What’s better, get a job that forces you to socialize. Work on a political campaign or try to sell stuff. A quirky personality is good. It makes you unique.</p>

<p>Another good way to learn social skills is to force yourself to be around people, particularly traditional Americans. If you do this a lot, you’ll find yourself unconsciously emulating others, and this will also help make your accent less noticeable over time. I’m Asian too; I’m a first generation immigrant who moved to the US when I was 3 years old. </p>

<p>It might be a bit easier for me since I’ve spent almost my entire life in the US, but the fact remains that my parents weren’t as experienced with socializing. Last year in college, there was a hurricane, and I had the pleasure of spending a few days with my friend’s family in James City County, Virginia. They were a bit too conservative for my tastes, but we had a great time together and they were really friendly people. I also interacted with my State Senator a lot when I was working on his campaign, and I learned a lot about formal American socializing. Furthermore, my cousins live in Oklahoma and Vienna, Austria; I’ve had a chance to visit them a lot and learn about different cultures and traditions. Since then, I feel completely at ease at traditional dinner parties and social occasions. Almost everything I learned about socializing was from being in a social setting and learning unconsciously from others.</p>

<p>As for people, you also have to take culture and demographics into account. Expose yourself to different cultures; it’s not just you or me. Even my more conservative friends have to adapt if they’re moving from a rural setting to an urban setting for college, or vice versa! If you’re in the North or in a northern city, people are going to be a bit more direct and sometimes confrontational, but are also going to be more open minded. If you’re in the South or Midwest, people are much more laid back but are also going to be a lot more conservative. In Europe/Australia, people are a mix between the two; they’re usually a lot more liberal and laid back.</p>

<p>A general rule of thumb is to speak slowly and enunciate. I’m Chinese and I’m fluent in Mandarin; sometimes Asian languages require you to speak faster than you should in English. I learned this the hard way; I’m originally from New Jersey and when I started to make calls for a State Senate campaign in Virginia, some people initially couldn’t understand a word I was saying because I was speaking too fast. I had to consciously slow myself down and enunciate each and every word clearly. Once I did that, it went so much more smoothly.</p>

<p>Anyways, didn’t mean to go on for so long, but I hope you’re able to at least get something out of this.</p>

9

<p>Actually not all females make friends easily. I’m a female and I have like one friend. I’m really shy and I’ve been called weird as well. I’m hoping that when I go to college, everything changes, because my senior year sucked. Just be yourself. There will be people that accept you for who you really are.</p>