Im a senior in high school and Im shy but I can hold up a conversation, I just have trouble making actual friends instead of just acquaintances. I struggle with starting a conversation but am fine when someone comes up to me. A lot of people say I seem chill and cool but thats it, usually the conversation ends and we go and do our own thing. The thing is Im a mix of a lot of different cliques in high school and so It gets boring staying with one clique (which most people at my school do). Also no one seems like they really want to make friends (even freshman year was like this). One thing I can say though is I dont step out of my comfort zone which I want to change in college. Is college different? any tips? are there cliques in college? Im planning on going to a big school because Im getting tired of little schools (I went to little schools all my life and it seems like I can step out of my comfort zone more in a bigger environment.
You sound similar to me when I was in high school: I was shy and moved around from clique to clique but never had a totally solid friend group. In college, I’ve been a lot more outgoing and have made a lot of friends, but my situation could still be better.
Again, this is where I was in high school, and still kind of struggle with this now. First and foremost, this is what you need to do to make more friends. You need to actually put yourself out there instead of waiting for people to come to you. It can happen, sure, but if you’re sitting back and doing nothing, there really isn’t much of a reason for people to approach you. You don’t have to do anything elaborate, just go up to somebody if they seem receptive and introduce yourself, then make some small talk. Most people going into college know few, if any, people, so they’ll definitely be trying to make new friends, especially early on in the year. Case in point, I met my best friends at college by just watching a football game in the commons area.
Beyond that, the best way to make friends is to participate in extracurricular activities. I’d highly recommend rushing a fraternity or sorority, but that’s not for everybody. If you’re athletic, you should try out for an intramural sports team. But the best way is to join some club that you’re interested in: you’ll meet a bunch of new people who share at least one common interest with you, and are always welcoming to new members. For me personally, I joined clubs related to my major (Campus Weather Service, Storm Chase Team), and within my college (THON, Student Council), and made most of my friends that way.
I struggle with being outgoing in situations with new people, so I was nervous about making friends in college. I knew the first few weeks of college would be my one shot (in my mind) at making friends since everyone was new and trying to make friends (in reality, it’s never too late to make friends and you’ll make friends throughout the semester, not just the first month). As such, I really put myself out there and tried to be as outgoing as possible—I hung out in the common area in my dorm meeting people and participated in as many new student activities as possible. I was insanely nervous on move-in day and wanted nothing more than to stay in my room, but I made myself talk to people and it worked; I now have a lot of friends on my floor. So that’s my top piece of advice—when you move in to your dorm, be social and talk to people because everyone’s in the same boat, nervous, and wanting to make friends.
Additionally, like @metsfanAJM said, getting involved on campus is also important. I’ve met a lot of friends by working for campus media and joining a few clubs. And it’s possible you could make friends in your classes; it’s less likely, especially in lecture classes, but possibly in smaller, discussion-based classes.
There is a difference between being shy, socially awkward, having social anxiety and being an introvert.
Once you can determine which describes you it is easier to figure out what situations are best for you to socialize in and meet new people.
Im shy and awkward when Im nervous but dont mind talking to be people (unless they are stuck up or treat me like Im a nuisance, which most people in my high school do, that just adds to my nervousness), its just initiating conversation that I struggle with. I moved from another state into the high school Im at right now and I initiated conversation but people didn’t react positive to it so I kind of had a bad experience with that already. They pretty much seemed like they didn’t want to talk and so it kind of discouraged me and lowered my confidence in the area, so now Im worried about what to do in college.
Small talk Im fine with after the initial nervousness but when I do that I usually only make acquaintances (people I talk to here and there and say hi to if I bump into them in the hallway) not friends. acquaintances are fine but it would be cool to have 2-3 people I can call actual friends that I can go to the dining halls with and stuff.
What do you usually say to people? has anyone ever brushed you off or looked annoyed by you?
That’s because high school and college are much different environments. In high school, most kids are in cliques with other kids they’ve known from middle or even elementary school, so in a lot of cases, it would be very difficult for some new kid to show up and join their friend group. Sorry that you had such a bad experience. At college, most kids go in lost and confused, and only know a few kids at most. Most kids go in not knowing anyone. Just keep putting yourself out there and eventually the friends will come.
So should I be fine as long as I do what I did my first day of high school? It didnt work the first time around so Im kind of anxious.
Yes, I would say so. Not everyone will be receptive or turn out to be a friend, but you would just need to move on and keep trying. Again, I think the best and easiest way to make friends is to join clubs, so get on that as early as you can.
Even if some people don’t turn into friends, people aren’t going to be jerks like they might have been in high school. Everyone is pretty nice toward one another, for the most part. And especially the first few weeks of school, everyone’s going to be pretty friendly toward one another and try to make friends–and that’s where you make your move. Seriously, I had the same fears you did; the making friends part was my #1 fear about college. But I put myself out there and made myself join clubs and talk to people as much as possible. It works. Don’t just say hi once and expect that to do the trick; you have to continually talk to people and make an effort to spend time with them.
by spending time with them you mean like asking them to hang out?
Yes. Usually there’s a common area on each floor and a lot of people hang out there especially the first few weeks. If people are playing games or something, ask to join in or start your own and get people involved. Ask people to go to the dining hall with you or to other activities going on.
I came from a similar high school social background as you, but I just learned this technique last semester as a freshman at my college. I am using a technique called the “foot-in-the-door phenomena”, which is basically used in order to create friendships from asking people for small requests to build onto possible bigger requests later on. Find someone seemingly nice and introduce yourself to them. If you run into them again and they seem interested into you, ask for their contact info. Then, ask them to hang out at a common university place (such as the dining hall, library, coffee shop, etc.). If you have good instincts about this person, keep on inviting it to places and you’ve made a friend! Just make sure that this person is inviting you to socializing opportunities too so you guys can have a real bond and this person is not taking you for granted or anything bad. College is a social eye-opener for everyone, so you’re not alone!
Live in the dorms your first year, try to have a roommate. Leave your door open whenever you’re not busy. People will then come in and try to meet you.