What is a good ‘go to’ response when a parent at your child’s school asks where your child is applying. This is a parent who has no relationship with you or your child and is only being nosy?
How about
A range of schools with strong XX programs.
A range of liberal arts colleges in the northeast and Midwest
Or mid size to large research universities
Because many people ask this to make conversation and without any other motive, I would make sure the deflecting comment’s tone is light. I usually gave an answer like “It feels like everywhere from Indiana to Maine!” and then added something like what @wisteria100 suggests.
I admit that if I am talking to someone with a kid that age, I will consider asking something like "so has all your travel recently been to see schools? " or “are you consumeD by the college search?” I don’t mean it to be nosy, but am guessing that this is where they are in their lives. Along the lines of "how are you doing with sleep? " when you talk to new parents.
I also tend to assume that it’s just to be conversational and, perhaps, to get some ideas for their own child’s search. My son is now attending a school we had never even thought of until a friend of mine mentioned that her son was applying there and I checked its website out. Her son is there as well. It’s a bit similar to reading this website and getting a thought that maybe you should look into a particular college. Unless the person asking is nasty or a known gossip or you think their child is going to stalk your kid’s list, I see no reason not to answer. By the way, I am notoriously private, not even on FB or Linked in, so it’s not like I openly share information, but that’s a question I would take kindly.
Why don’t you want to share? I have a high school senior, and I am asked this question at least two or three times a week by someone at my work place or by parents from my son’s school I bump into the grocery line. (Heck, I ask it myself of anyone with a high school senior— unless I am not sure they are college bound, in which case I ask the more generic question of what they are planning to do next year.) I won’t trot out my son’s list on an anonymous forum like this, where admissions officers or alumni interviewers may be lurking (albeit unlikely), but I will tell absolutely anyone I know personally. No one will use the information to hurt him in any way! They are just being politely interested in his life and in mine.
But yes, semi-evasive answers like “Several small northeastern liberal arts colleges- what about your child?” work as an initial response if you want to evade. Many people will follow up with, “But what is his favorite?” Then you can just be honest about your reason for not sharing; for example, anyone would understand if you said, “Please excuse me for not sharing his list. I don’t want to be rude, but he is applying to some schools that may be hard for him to get into, and if he does not get in, it will be easier if people don’t ask him about it afterwards. “
I posted this a few years ago.
Just wait. Later they’ll be asking where your student is interviewing for internships and jobs :))
99 % of the time they don’t care where your snowflake is applying. They just want to talk about their own snowflake’s search. Say something like, “Her list changes daily” with a smile, and say, “How is your kid’s search going? Isn’t this crazy?”
I see you are a dad. My guess is this also has a gender component. What you see as “nosy” is merely a conversation opener. It is the #1 topic of HS senior parents – what is your kid doing next year? I completely respect your desire to not broadcast the list – it can definitely lead to unexpected consequences. But it is usually pretty easy to deflect. Say something vague with a smile on your face, and start asking them questions about their own kid.
I love talking about different colleges with people. It’s fun to me. So far, people haven’t asked a whole lot about my current junior as she is just starting to seriously consider schools. The few who do, we’ve really just mentioned the big in-state public as the most likely based on major, convenience, cost and nearby extended family. We may have mentioned we will look at other places, but it would be hard to beat the value. If she decides to apply to any selective, academic reach school, we aren’t likely to share that information. That way, it won’t require explanations or sad faces if she didn’t get in.
@TheGreyKing, you ask how it can hurt. You’d be amazed. First, it puts pressure on your kid. If they don’t get into some or all of the schools they apply to, that is a public embarrassment for them. They will get asked by kids & parents alike about their results if their list is known, and it hurts enough to not get in without everyone asking.
Two, it can strain their friendships. If they get accepted somewhere and a classmate gets deferred or rejected, parents and kids alike can get nasty. There can be behind the back or even open comments about why they think your kid is less deserving of the acceptance than the kid who got rejected. Happened to my D2 with her EA acceptance to UChicago when a classmate who got deferred and eventually rejected found out.
Three, it can add pressure if your kid turns down a prestigious school for whatever reason (cost, fit, preference to stay near home, etc). Others will be openly incredulous. It is easier to stay in your lane and make the right choice for your kid and your family without a bunch over other kids (and adults) pushing prestige buttons with your kid.
Fourth, or can make other parents and students feel bad about their choices. If your kid is applying to Yale, but they are staying with the state U or community college (maybe for financial reasons), and you and your kid are talking about highly ranked schools, again – it can create a rift. Jealousy is pretty powerful, and senior year college pressure brings it out.
Best rule – come tell us. An anonymous forum of people who share your interest in the topic is better than IRL people! Tell people your kid’s final decision on May 1, but otherwise there is a lot to be said for keeping lists and admission results private.
^^^^ This. Totally agree with @intparent
I was/am always very vague when asked. I also try to mention Allegra College and West Dakotalina State.
Each applicant and their family should make their own decision about what to share. All my sons’ friends are being open with one another throughout the process, supporting and commiserating with one another. And people who ask me about my son’s college process are doing so to be friendly because they know it is a big time in the life of a parent, as a child prepares to leave home for the first time.
There is no “shame” if he is rejected from one or more competitive colleges; the odds are slim and the process is crazy! He will be disappointed at first, but he also knows there are factors outside his control. He is happy with schools at a variety of selectivity levels, so we are hopeful he will be able to go to college somewhere next year! The worst part will be if a rejection comes before another acceptance; the waiting will be stressful. But once he gets in somewhere (and picks a school if he has a choice), it will be time to focus on getting excited about going to college.
And if it’s a safety school rather than a reach or target, I am sure I still will sound so proud and happy when speaking about it that no one will react like it’s a tragedy. People take their cues from the parent or child.
Real friends will be supportive, no matter what happens. We don’t care about anyone else’s reaction.
It is interesting that some of you say you are more comfortable sharing a list on this forum than with friends. I feel the opposite. Much as I value the advice and insights and experiences of people on this board and enjoy sharing the process with you— and I truly do!— I won’t share his list with you, although I will share it with anyone I know personally.
Why? Because I don’t know who you are. I have put some info on this forum that (theoretically) could identify my son to someone reading his file. I would be nervous that one of you just might be an alumni interviewer or admissions officer who reads one or more of my posts close to when you are meeting with my son or reviewing his file and recognizes he is likely to be my son. Extremely unlikely and a little paranoid to worry about, yes, but not worth the risk. If I have listed my son’s choices, and your school is not the most selective on the list, you might reject him for yield protection, assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that he would pick the more selective ones over your college. And as some of his favorite schools are less selective than some others on his list, I could be jeopardizing his chance of getting into a particular college where he would be really, really happy.
I will post threads celebrating his admission(s) as it/they happen(s). I look forward to sharing the news with you then, as well as any thoughts about the process and the individual schools.
To each his/her/hir own!
You haven’t been all the way through the process, right? Some of us have (more than once), and have seen the fallout. At least don’t be the parent and student who crow on social media about every acceptance. That is really painful for fellow students who haven’t gotten good news yet (or don’t get it at all).
The vast majority of college bound students can say their own state’s public university and several other colleges and have the question answered. Example: “I am applying to Rutgers and several other places.” If they persist and you are comfortable just say “Ask me in March where I got in” and smile.
And to answer the question of “which is his first choice?” the answer is always “One of the schools that accepts him!”
Exactly.
Noone ever asked me that! Three kids and no one asked, but I remember asking others where their kid was going. To make conversation, yes, and because I usually knew and cared about the kids in our small town.
I really would love to say
“Gosh I have no idea. OhKid has researched and is choosing on her own!”
What I actually said was
“Gosh I’m not sure, s/he has so many that she likes and they are all over the place. Hopefully s/he can narrow it down a little soon!”
…which was the truth. Kid looked at dozens and applied to a dozen+. I’m not going to stand there and try to name them all for a stranger or casual acquaintance.
You say, “thank you for asking. Our son will let everyone know where he is attending college after May 1”
Repeat as often as needed.
If a parent is asking, you can be assured they will relay that info to their child, who may in turn relay it to other classmates. So you may want to ask your kid how comfortable they are with the list being out there. If it is someone your child has little interaction with, as it seems is the case with the OP, then maybe keeping mum is better. People jump to conclusions all the time. You give out the list and all of a sudden you have people snickering, how does X even think he has a chance at Y? They must have a connection, be donating $, using a pricey consultant etc, only chance in getting is through sports, legacy or URM status etc etc. There are people like that in every high school. If the OP wants to avoid them, that’s probably a good idea.
What I find worse are the people who engage you in bragful conversation but try to obscure it by downplaying it. Like I scored a 750 on my latest practice subject test, but I obviously can’t submit a score like that so I have more studying to do. Or my kid scored a perfect 800 on math but did poorly on the English- 720. Or my parents won’t let me go to this outing because they say I have to study for a subject test, but like subject tests are so easy. I tell my kid to ignore, ignore, ignore. It’s all white noise.