Around here it is just normal conversation. We have it at the ball parks, at work, the kids talk to each other about it. I asked my son and he said no one ever was hesitant to say where they were applying even if it was a reach. He was amazed people wouldn’t want to answer. I’ve never had a parent not answer directly. Now I had one of those kids who wan’t going to go to college and I just answered she was going to the CC (which she did a year later and dropped out - twice). Sometimes being in the where did you apply conversation her year hurt but I listened thinking of my son.
I know everyone has different filters on privacy. To me it was my child’s decision. He had no problem telling people so I didn’t either.
I agree with @intparent. If you don’t know them, they usually just want you to ask about their search. I usually throw them a bone by saying something vague and asking how their college search is going. Parents who really want to know about your students search usually know you and know you have a student with similar stats or interest in majors. Occasionally they are just feeling lost in the process, and want to know if they are on track.
One thing I’ve learned from talking to parents at swim meets is how complicated the process is and how little many parents know about it. For example, they say their kid is only interested in engineering or business, but most of the schools they are investigating offer neither. Then there is the parent who said their high school junior wants to major in “Medical School.” I say something like “There are a lot of good pre-med college options” and the parent insists that her daughter is not interested in pre-med, she just wants to go to medical school. Okay then. Hmmm. I strongly recommended that she discuss this with her GC, as soon as possible.
I agree that for parents of current seniors, for the mostpart its probably just a normal topic of conversation and not a Gladys Kravitz (showing my age) attempt to be nosy, or a humble brag. IF you don’t want to share, its ok to say “my dau prefers that I not share that. Its hard enough to be permitted to discuss it in our own home!” And keep it light. Then ask them…
My feelings on this are more in line with @TheGreyKing - Each individual has the right to share what they want, but I don’t believe there’s any shame in rejection. I’ve been through this with Kiddo #1 and she was completely open with friends about her choices and results. You can’t get support for rejection if nobody knows you’ve been rejected. I think a lot of her classmates were very hesitant at first to talk about it at school. DD was one of the first to be open about not getting an acceptance to her ED Top 10 (reach). Turns out only one kid she knew got an acceptance to their ED reach. I think they all felt better knowing others got rejected, and then they all celebrated for each other when they got into other schools. (And laughed together at how many ended up getting “waitlisted” rejections.)
I also think being more open could help people to better understand just how hard it is to get in some places. I thought for sure one of DD’s classmates would get into MIT, and so his rejection made me go, “whoa…competition there must be tougher than I even imagined.” Had I not known that he had been rejected, I might have considered my DS a candidate (and his resume pales in comparison to the kid who got rejected). It adds a perspective that we sometimes lose as we immerse ourselves in it with our children.
We just told other parents who asked that our kids were applying to our alma mater, an OOS public. It was the truth, it was not a school on anyone’s radar screen, and it deflected interest on the rest of their list.
Around here people talk about it and I never felt we had to keep things secret. I don’t remember going into great detail - but we didn’t lie if asked. Last weekend I had a very enjoyable conversation with parents of seniors. They mentioned a kid who had really want to go to U of Delaware the year before, but didn’t get a good enough financial offer, but luckily was very happy with SUNY Binghamton instead. I always felt it was good for people to hear that it’s okay to turn down Harvard if you like another school better. (Also that you can get a boatload of rejections if you aim high, but that’s okay.) And you can have less than perfect grades and scores, but still get into some great colleges.
@My3Kiddos I agree with what you are saying, but in the OP’s case it is not kids sharing with friends, it is a fellow parent who the OP barely knows. To me, that is a different situation.
With S1, if pressed, we’d say “Flagship, Harvey Mudd and some other schools.” Mudd is not on the radar around the neighborhood, and enabled us to talk about how great a school it is. We actively sought to distract people from asking about the “obvious” schools where S1 could have reasonably applied for admission (and he did apply to several of those). S1 wanted to keep it low key as well, and he told us which schools we could reveal. I can say it here, but there would have been real blowback if the neighbors knew S had been accepted to MIT and turned it down (or that he had declined a full ride at the flagship).
Among the kids in his STEM program, there was a lot of overlap in the lists, but they were not as wound up about it. They would post their rejection letters on a bulletin board at school. And yes, S1 had some surprises on that wall, too.
Ten years later, only one family in the neighborhood knows where else S1 applied and was accepted. (We carpooled with that family to the STEM magnet program for seven years and they are very good friends. Their S just finished his PhD at a top school.)
S2 was more forthcoming about his list, but he was pretty realistic about his matches/reaches/safeties. He was extremely thankful he didn’t apply to Yale SCEA as over two dozen of his IB classmates had done. That was a bloodbath – but he had an EA acceptance at one of his top two choices, which eliminated nearly all the stress of waiting for April.
The best thing that happened to my son was that he was kind of forced to apply as a junior. Long term CC readers will know he had one day before winter break to get his list to his GC and get recommenders who would write overnight. (Since his GC suggested he do this, she was prepared to get everything done in a day.)
So, none of his friends were applying at the same time. No one questioned me at the time. Later, I would say the flagship, and a few fantasy schools.
The best part of this was that we threw an acceptance party on a Thursday night, with pizza, for the families of his closest friends. People were genuinely happy for him. The next year, I could be an asset for sons friends. One close friend was set on Yale, which had been a disaster the year before. I encouraged him to look at Princeton, especially for his major. End of story, he applied P EC, financial aid met 100%, and felt he had been at the perfect college for him. His career has been great ever since. (Not saying this boy would not have done just as well if he had gone to Yale, but I was worried about the Y massacre year before. I believe he was the first accepted to P from our HS.)
Wow, I ask all the time, as both a parent and a teacher.
I’m trying to show interest is something I know is important to the kid, that’s all. Five minutes after the conversation, I will have forgotten your answer.
Not once have I run the phone to text my daughter with the classified information. Why would I? And why would she care? If she and the kid were friends, she would already know. If they’re not friends, your answer simply doesn’t matter to her.
It’s a Senior year variation on “Some weather we’re having, huh?”
I had no idea the information was classified, or that I was seen as “nosy” because of the question.
Don’t get frazzled over questions. There’s more stress to come and you don’t want to waste energy on this. For now, I’d just say, as some suggest, she’s still deciding. Then smile, nod, change the topic.
I did lose a friendship over this, very odd. Most kids and parents at our school didn’t bring it up. But one mom friend buttonholed me, was seriously out of joint when her D told her 3 kids were applying to an LAC the (small) high school had very strong connections to. Her D was a perfect match to the art program. The other’s father was famous, a household name. My kiddo was applying as a strong humanities match.
I said, none of the 3 would have a problem. Her dau and mine were going for different majors, I guessed the third wanted a certain top public where her father was an alum and big donor.
All 3 got in. Her D went (and didn’t even like it.) Mine went elsewhere. And that third did go to the top OOS public.
My kid is a junior, but a lot of his friends are seniors. And, frankly, a lot of them are making a hash of this whole college search thing. They are just sort of cruising towards community college, maybe they’ll apply at the cheaper state colleges but they’re not thinking much about applying early anywhere.
We’ve been visiting colleges since halfway through sophomore year, and lately I’ve begun dragging her friends along on anything that’s a day trip. And I ask them where they’re looking, because I know they are smart kids and could get in somewhere decent if only they would take initiative! I would be happy to make group visits with friends to the few remaining day trip places. I would love to coordinate the summer and spring break trips with other families so my kid has a posse when we’re doing the campus tour.
But I’m afraid I come off as weird or pushy when I do this.
It’s tough because a lot of the kids in the magnet program would be first generation college students. I believe that they deserve more than community college, and there are resources out there to make that more affordable.
I’m conscious that I’m being rude. I probably brag a bit too much about how far ahead we are on the college search process and nobody likes to be put on the spot.
But I also remember my freshman year, many moons ago. I went to a college 5 states away, but there was one older girl who I knew from my school who also went there. I had a rough first semester. Last week of classes, sick to my bones with freshman flu, she showed up at my door and forced me to go to the medical office and get medication. Probably saved my grades. If I can steer some of the seniors to the colleges my junior may apply to, she might have a friendly face in a strange new world. And to me, that’s worth a little rudeness.
I agree with @momocarly: I think that this is pretty much just normal conversation. I interpreted questions about “where is my daughter applying” as more of a conversation starter between parents who were tired of talking about the school’s sports teams or prom or politics.
My experience is kinda like that of @ninakatarina. My D19 is a junior now at a private HS but many of her public HS friends are seniors and I get the idea their parents are uninformed or uninterested, and just applying to a few publics here in NC. we have visited colleges in PA, MA, CA. and have a freshman in Oregon. But we have another D who’s a senior at NCSU, so parents know we have some experience here, and not just in OOS privates. I suppose they assume we are wealthy, though D2 did get fin aid at a great LAC. Yes, private schools can be affordable, info I’d be glad to share if only someone asked.
Sorry to go off-topic here: here I am kinda wishing for some nosy parent to call.
Yes, for me it’s just like how parents of toddlers are always talking about toilet training. It is a subject of general interest. Since the OP clearly doesn’t feel that way, it is good to be prepared with a noncommittal response, though.
I agree this is standard conversation with parents of seniors (and the seniors themselves). That being said, it can bite you in the backside. I lost a good friend in the college wars (during acceptances, not applications) and 4 years later it still really hurts
@PetulaClark - my D is an only, so I absolutely LOVE it when I get to share some of my info with others (a major reason I am on this site when D is a college senior)… make sit feel like all that stinking reasearch is still valuable ironically, while D has loved her school, and I would recommend it in a heartbeat- what I REALLY love talking about are the other schools that we/she thought were fantastic, but didn’t get picked (then1st runners up, if you will). They are so cool- I want others to know about them!
there’ s only one go to response for a nosy parent - blissful ignorance. Just say, he/she’s working on it with his GC and I won’t know till later, I’m just trying to stay out of the process!
^I hope that isn’t the true answer. Because GCs know next to nothing about financing college. Unless you truly don’t care and can drop close to $300K without a sweat, don’t leave it all to the GC.
ironically, while D has loved her school, and I would recommend it in a heartbeat- what I REALLY love talking about are the other schools that we/she thought were fantastic, but didn’t get picked (then1st runners up, if you will). They are so cool- I want others to know about them!