Count me in as one who is wide open with friends, co-workers and other parents about the college search and end results. Probably not so much with someone I barely know though. And honestly, if I “lost” a good friend in the process, I’d assume they never really were a good friend to start with. Sorry for those to which it happened and feel differently. And I also believe that kids have more resiliency than we give them credit for. Disappointment and rejection (both publicy and otherwise) are facts of life and learning to deal with that will build character. D knows firsthand how unexpected rejection from several “match” colleges high on the list feels. At the very least, we are able to share her experience with reality when searching for schools and coming up with the app list.
Some people are more comfortable being open/self disclosing and others are not. Would not automatically assume someone asking is being “nosy” or preparing to humblebrag. The subject is understandible and an area of shared experience for most parents of seniors.
I think it depends on who’s asking. There’s one mom I know - her daughter was valedictorian and applying to all the Ivies, splashed everything all over Facebook (except the rejections). In real life I never got the time of day until one day at a school event where she marched right up to me, said hello and literally the next words out of her mouth were, “so where is ___ applying! _____is applying to all the Ivies. She’s certainly smart enough.” I smiled and played it off.
Then after acceptances, a snooty neighbor who has in the past made it clear that working mothers (I am one) shouldn’t bother having kids if they don’t love them enough to stay home and raise them, came up to me in the supermarket, after having not talked to me in literally years, and said, “____ is going to American. Is ____ going to college?”. I somehow managed to answer with no four letter words escaping.
In my experience, it’s pretty easy to tell who’s just making conversation and who has an agenda.
Applying EA or ED sure helped get this problem solved. Now it’s what’s DS doing after? where is he applying for the professional school he wants? I say “we’re basically blanketing every school in the country…”
@NJWrestlingmom , I guess you’re too nice (and I would probably be also) to say that anyone applying to “all the Ivies” must have no idea who they are or what they like, and must be prestige whores. I have tried to, but can’t, invent the combination of personality traits that would be a good fit at each and every Ivy.
In the CC world, where so many are so competitive about targets and chances, it’s hard to only ascribe questions to simple curiosity, sharing, or even nosiness.That mom who dropped us was only a school mom friend, but we talked/emailed often, had mutual friends and interests IRL, had each other to dinner or her holiday party.
She was so worried about her D’s chances that she cut us off. Thud. Well before decisions came out. I do think it spoke to the "friendship, " but it’s a bit of a cautionary tale.
The school discouraged this competitive attitude. Kids could write college names on a big board, as acceptances came in, but without their own names until after March 30. All were encouraged to be happy for each other.
And I can imagine it’s bad if parents are hoping for a sports recruit.
^I hope that isn’t the true answer. Because GCs know next to nothing about financing college. Unless you truly don’t care and can drop close to $300K without a sweat, don’t leave it all to the GC."
No of course not, you’re definitely involved in FA/affordability and however much you want to be in the admissions process.
@3gdad, it’s not always nosiness that prompts a parent to ask this question. I have to confess that when we started the process with our oldest, I was sort of like an ill-trained golden retriever about the whole thing. College! Oh, boy, pant, pant, how exciting! Where should she apply? Where are you applying?! Yay, this is so fun!
You get the picture. It’s embarrassing to remember now, but I really didn’t have an sense of wanting to pry, just to share in the process. But after a disappointment (D, a salutatorian with top SATs, got rejected from her dad’s alma mater–ouch!), I learned my lesson and was much more restrained when my son applied.
I still ask the question, but it’s more along the lines of, “What sort of program is your child interested in?” and “Let me know if you need any pointers. We’ve been through this twice and have learned a lot.”
I didn’t mind if people asked, and grew to expect the “Where is THAT?!?” shocked response when I said either of the choices my kids made.
Asking “where is X applying to college?” assumes that they’re applying at all. I know several kids who really struggled (e.g. with anxiety, eating disorders, disruptive behavior, etc.) and college was just not the right place for them. The parents mostly had positive attitudes and talked about the kid’s plans to get a job and work for a couple of years, then go to community college and then transfer, etc. But if you’re immersed in the whole college application process and you blithely assume that every other family is in the same boat, you can really cause some hurt feelings. Same thing in the spring, if you go around asking “so where is X going?”
So I generally ask some version of “does X know what s/he’s doing next year?” That’s an open-ended question (and it also allows for “no, not really” if that’s the answer) that doesn’t carry any assumptions or judgment. And of course there are also plenty of kids with top grades who intentionally take a gap year, so the fact that they’re not spending this fall sending out applications doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re off track or anything.
Only on CC has choice or elite mattered at all. In real life every MD except 2 went to publics for undergrad, every engineer more publics some CC then transfer and 1 went to MIT.
In my real world experience where you go is practically meaningless for normal jobs and we have never met or hung with people who cared.
On CC everyone cares I wonder if its a locale thing we live in the south lol.
To the OP’s question I would infuse humor …and keep it light.
Yes, asking for plans for next year is a good choice.
When my kids were about to apply to college, almost all the parents with whom we were friendly kept their planning and ideas to themselves. Just a couple of exceptions. One was when my daughter needed professional-quality photos of her art portfolio; one of her classmates’ sisters made the photos. The other was when my son took a special exam for an undergrad scholarship at the college where I teach. In neither my daughters’ nor my son’s case, however, did we share much, if any, information with other parents about the application strategy. We live in the midwest; two of my daughters classmates were admitted to NYU. Only after they were admitted did we learn they had applied.
In retrospect I was surprised by many of the college choices of our kids’ friends. It wasn’t something about which there was any huge rivalry. Sharing some information could have been helpful. But it just was more of an individual family thing than a group process. I think many parents in this large public high school don’t want to bring social pressure on their kids, or to be judged by the success (or not) in their kids’ college aspirations.
Just met someone new today (sharing a bench eating lunch while hiking) who has a senior graduating. I carefully asked the “does she know what she wants to do after graduation?” question, and the answer was “massage school”. Was glad I’d worded it that way. 
I often refer parents who sound a little (or a lot) misguided out here to CC. Seems safer than offering my own opinion.
Similar, intparent: the gal was headed for cosmetology school.
It’s no big deal to tell the truth or completely hide the truth. There are more issues that a parent of a HS senior needs to worry about.
I often name a truly bizarre choice that might be mildly credible. University of Auckland is my current favorite. No one follows up after that
@Massmomm …an ill-trained golden retriever. Oh no, that’s me!!!
I always declined to answer where my kids applied mainly because I was superstitious (really). My oldest is now applying to MBA programs and I still feel that way.
I just roll my eyes and say “the question is where isn’t she applying!” That usually does the trick.