^ and very true in some cases, such as ours back in 2015 lol.
@inparent "I carefully asked the “does she know what she wants to do after graduation?”
That is an excellent approach! I am going to use that.
Also, in my experience, I have learned a lot from listening to other parents experiences. There is a lot of information in there that can be beneficial, but you have to verify it because it is often mixed in with a good amount of misinformation.
We took the “what are X’s plans for next fall?” approach, too. I have one niece who went off to basic training at 17 and then to college, several nephews who didn’t finish HS, and another one who is taking a year off from college to regroup. There are many paths, and it takes time to find the right one for each person. (I have one who finished his degree but is still at home trying trying to figure it out.)
I’m in a college prep school-- every kid in my school is going to college, So it’s a safe question at school.
With my son and daughters’ public school, I realize that college may not be on everyone’s radar. So my question is “So, what are your plans for next year?” Again, it’s not about the answer, it’s about showing interest and recognizing that they are all at the Commencement stage in their lives-- they’re all beginning a new path and it’s an exciting time for all of them.
Sometimes people ask because they are looking for the same type of colleges your kid is and want ideas.
Then I tell them. Sometimes they are just generally interested, then I would be more vague…“State College and other smaller liberal arts schools within 2 hours of home.”
My kids were in a high school program that sent a lot of kids to selective colleges, and the kids were mostly pretty open about where they were applying. I know that this shared information had some impacts on where kids applied–especially where they applied early. Whether that’s good or bad is hard to say.
If you don’t want to share, I agree that the best thing to say is, “I’m not allowed to say anything about what my kid is doing, or thinking, or planning.”
Ha, maybe: “the best advice we got was a balance of safeties, matches, and a couple of reaches.” Then, when they nose into the reaches, “Still deciding.” How many? “Still deciding.”
I really think anyone who needs to lean on another parent for college ideas, at this point, 10 weeks from RD deadline is kinda late to the game. You can be supportive without thinking you can fill in their own gaps.
I don’t think it’s nosy to ask where someone’s kid is applying. At the same time, I don’t think there is anything wrong to deflect answering in detail. It’s really up to you. People have different styles of dealing with their personal situations. I personally have no issue with answering the question at all. If I did, I would get pretty upset when someone asks me (which is kinda often) “where (which country) are you from?” It gets very old answering the same question but hey, at least they are showing some interest in me. I frequently answer “I am originally form Korea, South Korea, not North Korea. Ha, ha.” Often, they don’t get the joke. lol
I don’t think it’s nosy to ask where someone’s kid is applying – provided that you don’t follow up with nasty or prying remarks after you get the answer.
One of my kids applied ED to a close-to-top-ranked private university a 6- to 7-hour drive from home (and got in, and attended and graduated). Responses included
“How could you possibly think that school is worth the money?”
“You shouldn’t spoil your kids like that.”
“Our state university is good enough. It makes no sense to go anywhere else.”
“That’s a school for stuck-up rich people.”
“It makes no sense to go that far away when there are good schools right near home.”
“That’s a horrible place. All you ever hear about is the hazing at the fraternities.”
“How can you afford that?”
“I wouldn’t let my kid go to that kind of school even if we had the money.”
and from people with a different point of view:
“I thought she was a really good student. Why isn’t she applying to somewhere better? Did she get low scores on the SAT?”
She graduated six years ago. Occasionally, younger colleagues at work who know that I have grown children will ask where my kids went to college. I’m happy to talk about my son, who had a great experience at our state university and went on to get a master’s degree at a different state school in another part of the country. I cringe at the thought of telling people about my daughter (and cringe again if it becomes necessary to mention that she later got an MBA from a top business school that’s part of another private university at a similar level of prestige).
MArion, what rude people. No wonder people stop answering questions about their college search.
Wow Marian. Amazing, Luckily, I have not encountered people like that. Hopefully, you also got some positive comments about her acceptances and attendance. I would also hope that people would be happy for her that she got to attend such great schools. I can’t believe (and certainly hope) that the positive comments outweigh the negative.
In my world, it was a constant subject of conversation - where are they applying? Do they have a favorite (mine did not)? What are they interested in? This was with good friends, and the parents of fellow students you would run into in the grocery store or in town. I am sure people expressed their opinion of my kids and their choices, but were generally polite. I have a family member who was incredibly secretive and worried what people would think if her kid applied and was rejected from certain schools. Our HS has naviance and a quick look at the top schools clearly shows that even the best students are consistently rejected.
However, if the people I knew reacted as you report in #68, I would likely retreat and deflect.
I asked my S last night if he and his friends share what schools they are applying to. He said they are all pretty open about it and know where everyone is applying. Whether I share or not really depends on the person who is asking. I have many friends/relatives who I have no problem talking to about it. However, there are certain people who I know will make a snide remark (similar to what @Marian said)–Oh, so and so went there and hated it; I’ve heard xyz bad thing about it, that’s a really hard school to get into, etc. Or my favorite, where they don’t actually say anything negative about the school but they give you an eye roll, a smirk, etc, because they think your choice is ridiculous.
Yes, the eye roll could be any one, of more, of
“Why does he think he’s _____ caliber?”
“Why do you think he’s ______ caliber?”
“Why would you pay that much when nearby public is just as good?”
“Based on how you dress, I wouldn’t have thought ____ was an option.”
and so many others.
I think the eye roll is the coward’s snarky comment. I can deal with snark, and when necessary, giving as good as I get. An eye roll is difficult to reply to with anything other that an unvoiced FU and a mental tally of adding one to the column of FakeFrends.
But like my “friend” who was so worried about the competition among 3 applicants, how would you feel if another parent used your college targets?
Or if their kid had college X on his radar already and felt you’d throw off his chances? Maybe they think your kid’s grades or ECs defeat his chances?
Our hs class was very small. The GC worked to suggest good matches, but also to distribute apps among a tier.
The answer to "My child goes to XYZ college is " always “Oh wonderful” or “I am not familiar with that school…what’s it like?”
I’m with @ninakatarina and @PetulaClark . . . I have been taking other kids along on college visits for the last year because it’s fun for me and my child, and also because I think other families at my son’s high school tend to be unaware or uninformed about the variety of options.
I went to “Senior College Night” at our high school last night (a little earlier in the year would have been better, it seems to me) and the questions people were asking indicated that they truly are uninformed, even about the basic cost of tuition at the state colleges. Maybe the more informed people stayed home because they didn’t expect to learn much there, but it was concerning. I guess CA kids are lucky because of all the community colleges and in-state publics that are available, so many of them don’t feel the need to look elsewhere or learn about other options. I know finances are a big issue, but it seems like people would want to be aware of basic facts to weigh and consider all possibilities for their kids.
Wow, some of you have gotten really rude responses from people you know!
I must have had somewhere between 60 and 80 people ask me where my son is applying to college between September and now, between his friends’ parents, relatives we saw at a recent holiday and a recent wedding, and the many people with whom I interact at work.
Number of rude replies? Zero.
They asked interested follow-up questions and took their response cues from me. They shared their own children’s stories, or, if they were young or childless, their own memories of the college application process.
Everyone recognized it is a big time in my son’s life and mine and was really nice.
My son has not had anyone give anything other than a nice reply to him either.
I don’t think most of us, me anyway, had any shortage of sincere, well-intentioned, helpful, and honestly curious discussions. One or two rude questions crowds out the memory of the nice conversations, and that’s what the thread is about.
Even in NJ, not everyone is a jerk 
I remember one Asian parent asking me why my younger son wasn’t applying to more Ivy League schools. I don’t think it was meant to be rude, just a different mindset. (I also know that my kid had said he was surprised to discover that his PSAT scores were higher than those of most of his friends, so they may have thought his grades were as good as his scores.) Anyway, I just told the truth, he was applying to a couple of schools, but his grades were not good enough to feel like they were anything, but super reaches, so he was concentrating on slightly less popular schools.
I don’t think my kid “owns” the schools on his or her list. I also would not think, with very few exceptions, that another family would not have heard about a school unless I mentioned it. I think the woman that dropped you was being ridiculous. I have heard that some small private schools attempt to manage the applications allowed to the super elite schools so that the “best” applicants are not taking all the slots.
The reality is, there is some luck involved. Your kid could be a great quarterback and expects to be the starter by junior year. All of sudden, a kid transfers from another district who is better and your kid sits the bench. It may not feel fair, but nobody can tell the new kid he can’t try out for the team because your kid planned to be the QB. Same with applications. If another kid from the same school gets in and my kid doesn’t, there is no guarantee that my kid would have gotten in if that kid had not applied. Some kid from a similar HS a few miles away may beat out your kid anyway.